ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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She sighs a little bitterly at the comment at the ability to sleep. It's relatable to her. They'd cuffed them to the beds before graduation, it'd been hard to sleep after it still within the program. After it was somehow even harder, the nightmares that continued even though she'd done what she thought to bring the room down.

"When I got out I couldn't sleep forever, even when someone offered to stay and watch over me. I couldn't trust them..." It's not comparable to his experience but she hopes by offering him that view into her own life it will let him know it's okay to share these things with her. Hell, somewhere deep within her she hopes that it will crawl deep under his skin and somewhere bloom in his thoughts, remind him of things.

She didn't know how hydra had kept him fueled during all the times he'd been moved, only in the couple years he was in the Red Room with her. Shitty nutritional bars that were supposed to be complete needs and tasted like cardboard.

"All I wanted to eat was fruit when I first got my choice, Clint used to have to remind me that protein was important."

"They don't understand how good fruit tastes when you've been institutionalized. Fresh fruit? Shit's better than chocolate. It was expensive when I was on the run but I always made a way to get some because I couldn't help myself. It reminded me I was free and could eat anything I wanted, you know?"

Protein is important and you can get that in tasteless powder or tasteless bars but Bucky doesn't have to do that anymore. He has all the fresh meat and vegetables he could ask for; he even grows some of them out back. There's fruit, too, and there's some in Wakanda he's never seen before.

"We have so much good food here but you know what I would give my right arm for? A burger. You know, a really greasy diner burger. We had those back in the stone ages, you know, and I miss that. I probably haven't had one since before the war considering rationing."

"Okay old man. When we finally get back to the states you and I have a date with a double bacon cheeseburger and some chocolate and fruit fondue, because I absolutely will not accept that sort of slander at chocolate."

She can't help but smile over at him when she says it. She doesn't even mean date in a romantic sense in this point, she's just wanting to include chocolate in this discussion of things that must be delicious because it was one of her favorite things to overindulge in after.

"Also you really shouldn't give your right arm. Being armless seems like a pretty difficult way to live, even for James Barnes."

"I think I could manage with no arms," Bucky says, laughing softly. "Still got two legs and a brain, don't I? I could figure shit out. Besides, nobody can draft me for another war if I'm completely disabled. Can't keep fighting for other people's problems if I only have half a body."

He laughs again but it's uncomfortable this time because he's slid into something darker without meaning to. They were talking about cheeseburgers and fruit and now he's talking about getting failed by the draft board (does that still exist?) because he'd be completely disabled.

"I'm still learning how to have normal conversations. You've got to give me a pass on that one. I just...yeah. It's not something I'm good at anymore after not having any conversations for, what, seventy years? Felt like an eternity in there."

She takes another drink of her tea looking over the cup at him smiling gently as she shakes her head. He doesn't need to worry about getting weird around her, she's said enough weird things after she'd gotten out of the Red Room and she hadn't event been mind controlled.

"One I don't think the United States has drafted anyone since Vietnam. Two you're absolutely too old, and well three is just that you don't have to worry about it, James. I've been there, hell, some of the guys still say I'm weird about things."

It's a simpler explanation then what she'd like to give but they're just starting to talk to each other, and sometimes it's easier like that.

"What is it you normally get up to when you have guests anyways?"

"My guests are normally twelve and under and want to play with my hair," Bucky says. "So I've come out with some interesting Wakandan hairstyles, that's for sure. Steve just wants to talk about the past. Sam just wants to take the shit out of me. Shuri wants to make sure I'm still sane and take the shit out of me."

Bucky finishes his tea and sets the cup down gently.

"You're probably the most normal visitor I've had here, honestly. Well, T'Challa was nice but very formal so I'd say you and T'Challa have been the closest to fine. I don't want it to be 1945 anymore, you know? But I don't think I'm ready for now yet either."

"Please don't compare me to royalty, James," she says in a half kidding tone. "That is probably treasonous or something." The corner of her mouth curls into a smirk, clearly not too bothered by it.

"Well, I'm not above hair playing. I could braid it if you want, or if you want to lean over the tub I'm happy to wash it for you. I know for me, it's always nice to when I get to go to the salon and just have someone else deal with it," she explains her line of thinking. She doesn't want to suggest that his hair is too greasy or anything like that.

"Might help you relax a little bit? Not exactly the barber shops of your time."

"Gotta be better than the military barber," Bucky says with a laugh. Maybe it's weird to have a woman wash his hair for him but he doesn't think it's going to come up in regular conversation between Natasha and, say, Tony Stark so it's okay.

"Let's wash it first," he says. "Maybe it's more manageable when it's cleaner than I can ever manage to get it. I don't think I ever get the shampoo out all the way. Easier with two hands than one."

He's adapted but some things are still difficult.

She moves to stand up from the table with a nod, he seems to have taken the instruction well enough and she goes to walk over to the skin and inspect the spray hose that pulled down. It was nice and practical.

"If you bring a chair over here, and your shampoo and conditioner I think the sink might be the easiest place to do this? I'll even blow dry for you after." She adds that last bit like it's some how a lot more work after offering to wash the man's hair.

She knew how different it was to experience touch like this for the first time after getting out and it was a nice change for her. In the Red Room they'd at least had decent hair care even if it wasn't gentle, couldn't have a Widow not be beautiful. She was sure Hydra had never cared about The Soldier for that though.

Also, some little piece of her thought back to baths in hotels crammed in together, washing his hair for him. And it softens her thoughts a little more. This was a dangerous game she was playing an she knew it, but she can't help wanting to help him relax.

Bucky does actually have nice bath products because Wakanda wouldn't let him have less than the best while under their care and it's sort of nice because he feels a lot more like a person when he has real shampoo and conditioner and nice soap and aftershave. He hasn't been shaving regularly because who's gonna care about that, goats? Still, if Natasha is going to make a habit of visiting him, he needs to be on his hygiene a little more so he sneaks on a little cologne and sizes himself up in the mirror and decides that it's about as good as he can ever be anymore.

He lines the bottles up on the counter next to the sink and laughs softly.

"You know, I've never been to a hair salon. Barber? Oh yeah. I was in there once a week, you know. I had to get all the edges shaped nice and get a good shave but never a hair salon. They all used to smell of perms and hairspray, I remember that."

She's impressed when he brings out multiple bottles and not some 12-in-1 product. Steve had always talked about James being well dressed and a ladies man. This was just another one of those things hiding under layers of frozen feelings.

She drags a chair over to the counter to let him sit down and motions to the chair.

"Well then, I hate to tell you this, but we just added blow outs at the salon to our date that will involve cheeseburgers and chocolate covered fruit. If you start telling me too many more stories we're just going to have to book a second date though. You really can only fit so much into one day, James."

“It’s dating now? Damn, I didn’t even know it worked that way in the post-millennium. I missed a lot about everything but in my day, dates were very, very involved. It was dinner, it was dancing, it was walks on the boardwalk - you did everything you could to make it last as long as possible unless she was the kind of girl who was fine with coming home with you.”

Bucky had plenty of those in the day but he only slept with about half of the ones he dated. There was a reputation, sure, but he wasn’t all that bad. He tried to be a good guy about it and not lead anyone on or make them think he was heading down the aisle when he wasn’t. He was having fun before the war and after, maybe, he might have settled down.

HYDRA ruined all that for him. He didn’t get a wedding or a first baby or buy a house or any of the things you dream about doing. He just got misery. This with Natasha feels almost normal and it’s really nice.

“All right, show a man how to wash his hair correctly.”

She starts the water, keeping it away from his head, testing it with her hand, adjusting until she just got the right nice warm temperature of water. While she does it she smiles at him all dumb at the suggestion of the date.

"I more meant it as like - 'it's a date, put it on the schedule' -- but I'm not gonna say no to a proper date with James Barnes. Just give me a call when you're ready to take me dancing handsome."

She loves dancing, it's beautiful. It's the kind of thing that helped her escape the horrors of the Red Room. Sure, her stuff was mostly ballet, but going old old school dancing with James? Yeah, that sounded nice.

"Alright it's warm. Lean your head over and I'll wash it."

"Oh."

Bucky leans over so she can wash his hair and he's glad he has to have his eyes closed for this because he's mortified. He should have known that date meant "save the date" or "put it on the schedule" and not date but he's an idiot and apparently can't parse the difference.

"I, uh, wasn't meaning to ask you out," he says. It's not as calm and collected as he would like and again, he's glad he can't see Natasha's face because his eyes are closed.

"I just thought it meant something else because it used to, you know? I know you and Steve are...whatever. Friends or something. I wasn't trying to interrupt that."

He's fumbling and it's adorable. Like, really tugging at her heart strings in a way that she didn't know it would with fondness. She loved the Winter Soldier, but James Barnes, he's goofy and god, she thinks it's cute. If he could see her, he'd notice the massive grin on her face as she runs the water over his hair making sure to get it good and soaked before adding shampoo and starting to massage it into his scalp slowly, really getting it in there good.

"Did you just disinvite me from a date, James?" she asks with a laugh. "I don't think I've ever had a man turn down a date with me before."

Well, that was a good thing because most of them had been marks anyways.

"Steve and I are friends. I have tried to set him up on many dates over the years. Most people assume it's me and Clint even though he's got a wife," she admits with a frown. That was always did bother her. Men and women can be good friends even when they work together well like that.

And she loves Laura just like family as well.

"No! I didn't disinvite you! I...look, can we just...I'm in a hole here, Natasha, and I need a shovel. So if you can help me with that and let me regain some dignity, that'd be great. Otherwise I'm going to drown myself in this sink."

Bucky doesn't think it's possible to do that but he's always been interested in accomplishing the impossible. He just doesn't want to do that with an audience around.

Her hands in his hair feel good so he just focuses on that and keeping his eyes completely shut so he can't see whatever look she has on her face. A smile? A smirk? Something in between? He's not sure with her because her trade is being anything for anyone even if he's pretty sure she's just being herself right now.

"No waterboarding yourself, mister." She says fondly with a chuckle. He can hear the affection on her voice with that. He fingers continue to really suds up his hair. She's planning on doing a double cleanse to get him really good and clean, but it feels nice to really make sure that it's set right away this time.

She's not sure what makes her do it. It's instinct, probably because both her hands are tied up in his hair. She leans down and gives his shoulder a kiss through the t-shirt. Dread hits her stomach after she does, she hadn't been thinking and shit, maybe that was a step too far.

"Seriously, when you're ready for New York we will go on a proper date. Until then, you just relax and get better. God knows it was hard enough for me to get over the nightmares."

"Um, yeah, sure. I can show you all the...well, you know them better than me now, I guess. All the stuff I knew is probably torn down by now."

He's a little flustered and confused about the kiss but he also doesn't want to bring it up in case it's just a pity kiss because it was in a strange place and he thinks a romantic kiss would be on his mouth or his cheek or something. Bucky thinks he's overthinking it. Instead, he addresses the one thing he does know about.

"They use Widows hard," he says absently. "Train for years to have no emotions, no politics, no feelings. Perfect ballerinas that get smashed to bits when they're not useful anymore."

"How else am I going to hear about the allies that Steve Rogers got beat up in hm? Come on, you've gotta give me some more ammo at the man," she laughs and then starts to rinse his hair making sure all the shampoo is out before starting all over again to double cleanse.

"Really though, I don't think that it's very different. They don't exactly tear down all those buildings to rebuild them or anything. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised in some ways," she says softly her voice goes a little lower once they get to the widow comments however.

"Aged out, not pretty enough to do the things they want you to do. Broken to bits and discarded, like a doll they're done playing with."

"As if aging is something bad. I remember...it must have been a dream or something. I only know things about Black Widows that I've heard offhand. I don't know anything about them. Just the prettiest Russian dolls, that's all. Malishka, but that's not a doll. Sometimes I get my memories mixed up with my dossier. It's confusing."

He knows Russian and knows it fluently but there's something about dolls that sticks with him and he's not sure why. There's something there but maybe it isn't something to examine with Natasha right here.

"Don't think you aged out, though. They say you defected. Good for you. You'd have to be fifty or sixty before you could age out."

"You flatter a girl, Barnes. You're correct in that I defected, but I don't think I would have lasted that long before they cleaned me up. It's all about asset control, you know that." she says reaching to rinse his hair again now that it's double cleansed and then move on to part three, the conditioner.

"I might not have the answers for everything, but Russian stuff, I might be able to answer. You can ask me any question you might want, about anything that's in your memories okay?" she says that and once again nerves pile up on the inside. What does he remember? What might he ask, not right not but someday down the line even. Is she prepared to answer those questions?

She's not sure. But she owes it to her Soldier that she once loved even though neither of them knew who he was then.

"Well, I'm not going to lie and say you aren't gorgeous because we both know that isn't true," Bucky says. Her hands in his hair feel so nice and he doesn't know if he can rope her into another one of these salon treatments but he almost wishes that he could. It would be nice to have this every once in a while.

"I used to be something, you know. That was before...everything. Now I don't have anything together and I only have one arm so I'm not exactly the catch I used to be. Did you know, I used to be able to get women to actually date me until Steve took that serum? I became invisible after that. Nobody wants the normal looking guy when they can have Captain America."

There's no sarcasm in his tone, only wistfulness, because those had been good days even if there was a war on.

"Probably a good thing they made me a sniper. Didn't have to stand next to Captain Perfect when I was on my belly in the trees."

Once she gets the conditioner though his ends she pauses, as it's time to let it sink in. Of course that coincides with the awkward part of the conversation, with the first man she ever loved was sitting in front of her complaining that one found him attractive. He doesn't even seem to remember being around Widows at all so it's not like she can tell him that they all used to talk about the handsome American who came to train them sometimes.

Of course, that man she love wasn't even all of him. Maybe some parts though. She's not sure, she sees hints of it in his eyes or his smile, or the way he talks sometimes. It's tough to be sure without more time with him though.

"So you're going to want to let the conditioner soak in for a few minutes each time before you rinse, it will help it work better," she explains.

"Anyways, I was never into blondes so I'm not really sure about the first point. You were a sniper though right? Any woman worth her weight in salt would prefer a sniper to a font linesman. Rough and pushy isn't what makes a man good in bed, patience, and the ability to always hit the target though..."

She's not actually trying to flirt with him, just cheer him up a little bit, which makes her surprised that the sexual innuendo is coming out this early but it's there. She wants James to not sound sad.

"I wouldn't know, I haven't had sex since the forties," Bucky says. It's an awkward conversation and he wishes he wasn't in it. Well, correction, he wishes the old him was in it because he'd be suave and know what to say. The man he is now has no idea what to do with it but he cracks his eyes open a little bit.

"Nobody ever complained, though," he adds. "So I guess that means I did well enough."

The women he was with always seemed to enjoy themselves and he thought about making sure that happened whenever he took someone home and he guesses that's what's good for both people. He thinks it's only good if both people enjoy it.

"Do you flirt with everyone you know or is it just me? Because nobody else uses my first name, either."

She huffs out a laugh at the comments. It's a combination of them all that get her though and it's the last one that she follows.

"I flirt with lots of people, it's part of being a Widow. But I'd first with James Barnes even if I wasn't. You're handsome James, and once you spend some time getting your memories sorted out I think you'll see that too."

There's an odd bit of confidence there. If he were to ever remember her, he'd at least know that she does find him handsome. Also then he'd remember he's had sex with at least one person since the forties. With his eyes open she has the urge to climb into his lap and kiss his lips and tell him everything will be okay, but that would just create far more problems then they currently have.

She never knew how to calm him with words, it was always touches when he was having a bad day, or his head was bothering him. She'll have to try her best though.

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