ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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The words hurt, but not in the way she expects them to. She's too frustrated at the idea, that somehow the idea that being with her, spending time on missions with her that he would have rather killed himself then do that.

She takes off the necklace he made her and sets in on the table gently. She then reaches under her shirt and pulls out a silver chain that has on it a single silver ring, it's a stylized band of cords that are entwined, nothing fancy. It looks cheap and is a little tarnished but she tosses it gently at him on the bed.

"You asked me to. Years ago, when you told me you loved me. But I guess you would have rather put a bullet in your brain then love a killer. Because you're an America soldier right? And I'm just some dirty Russian whore."

"I don't fucking remember," Bucky shouts but that's before he realizes what she's said completely and lets it settle over him. He asked her to. When he told her that he loved her.

When he told her that he loved her.

"You're not a whore, Natasha," Bucky says, voice softer. He crosses over to the table and picks up the ring, turns it over in his fingers a few times to see if it sparks any memory. It doesn't There's nothing there. He doesn't remember Black Widows, he doesn't remember Natasha, he doesn't remember being in love. It's blank.

When he told her that he loved her.

"I don't remember," he says again, softer. "Nothing's there. Why make up a story that makes you so vulnerable? That's not something you do for a mark. That's exactly what you don't do for a mark. But I don't remember."

"You don't have to remember, you just have to trust me enough to believe me. When I tell you things and not get angry about them.." she sighs and rubs her fingers across her brows in frustration.

"I told you I'd wait as long as you need and I fucking will, but you can't ... You can just not believe me about that you weren't a monster because..." She trails off, she can't even bring herself to say, to explain.

"You were talking about feelings, and doing things, and it wouldn't be right to not get you to understand .. it's .. not consent to explain that we're complicated."

"I was ready."

It's a heavy thing to admit, that he was ready to trust her and be intimate with her when he barely remembered anything but killing people over and over for decades. He'd started to trust her as much as he trusts Steve and Bucky doesn't think he's ever trusted anyone that much in his life. Except now he knows that apparently he and Natasha were in love, once, and he'd given her a token of that love.

"I wanted to be intimate. You were so giving and so affectionate and I was falling, hard, and I didn't know what to do with it. I wanted to be loved."

Now Bucky isn't sure what he wants. He doesn't think it's fair to Natasha to be with her romantically if he doesn't remember their past and while he trusts her when she says they were together (how does that benefit anyone to lie about something like that?) he doesn't remember any of it. It makes them uneven and it means he'll hurt her if he doesn't do or say the things that he did when they were together. He doesn't think he's the same person she fell in love with. He can't be.

"Now...now, it's not fair to you for me to do that because I don't remember. You love someone I don't remember. Someone that probably isn't me. He looked like me and maybe said some of the same things but I don't think he was...this. I'll hurt you if I'm not him."

She closes her eyes and nods. She was expecting it, really, this was the only way this could end she supposes. She lives the ring in his fingers though, because it's really not hers to take.

"Okay then, that's clear at least," It hurts to say like that because she does like this version of him too but she's not going to push him it's not his fault. "It wouldn't have been fair James, to start something without you knowing either. It wouldn't have been fair to you..."

She shakes her head and opens her eyes and looks right at him, giving him a soft smile.

"I'll get out of your house, but just... know it was never only because I was looking for the man I used to know. I liked you for you, and your romance movie list, half of them are movies we used to sneak to watch on the tvs in hotel rooms on missions."

She turns to start to leave and looks over her shoulder and adds.

"Don't hate him when you remember him, he was a good man, and it wasn't his fault that the stupid program made him think it was his job to do all those things... Just like me" she adds softly before she's at the door and walking out.

She's right, of course, that it wouldn't be fair and as much as it hurts, he appreciates the honesty. If she'd started a relationship with him and never told him about their past, he'd feel betrayed and hurt and might not be able to repair anything between them ever.

Maybe it's better to end this before it starts.

Then she says it wasn't just that she was looking for the man she used to know but that she liked him as he was, that the movies he picked out were ones they used to watch together and he clenches his left hand in a fist just hearing the words.

She's leaving. She asks him not to hate himself when he remembers and he doesn't know if he can promise that but he does think he owes her an apology. How do you apologize to your ex that you don't remember your relationship? They don't make a greeting card for that.

***

Time passes. Steve visits again but wisely says nothing about Natasha. He brings everything he knows about the Black Widow program with him but asks him, pointedly, if this is a door he wants to open. Bucky knows that it is. He thinks he owes it to Natasha to try and remember who he used to be so he can resolve this thing between them.

It's a somber visit, honestly, and when Steve's gone, he starts poring through all the files. There's nothing about him in them. There wouldn't be - he's a very well-kept secret - but maybe there's something that's not so obvious between the lines.

There's mentions here and there of "an instructor" and "the American" and he guesses that's him. They're all very vague. No mission rundowns. No dossier. Nothing. It's a useless dead end. Everything is a dead end.

Then the dreams start.

It's never mission work. It's always being crammed into a hotel shower with Natasha or lying in bed with Natasha. It's stealing her little things to give to her that are literally worth nothing at all because it's a game between them and she smiles every time she gets some penny candy or a carved wooden toy or paper bill from some currency they've never seen before that he's folded up into a rose. It's stupid things, always, but she treats them like treasures.

He doesn't even know how to call her. He does know how to call Steve, though, so he does and he leaves a message asking for Natasha. If anyone can help him with this, it's her, and he still has feelings for her even if everything is fucked up right now.

It's hard to leave but she does. The next day she's out of Wakanda, but she leaves a burner phone with Shuri for him to get in contact with her if he ever asks. It seems he doesn't though, because her phone never rings.

She thinks of him everyday but some are harder then others. She buries herself in her own work, going deep into Russia and dark for a while trying to dig up all the information on the soldier program that she can. She doesn't come up with much, and thinks too much about how it would have been better to be doing this with Bucky anyways. She misses him.

She doesn't come out from being dark for another two weeks past when Steve is asked about her. He tells Bucky she's dark but from the moment she hears about him asking to talk to her she doesn't pause to wait for a call or to try to call she hops in the quinnjet to Wakanda. She wants to see him.

She's sitting out under the tree they ate at one time in the morning when he comes out. For her it's the very next day, but it's two weeks past him asking for her.

"I heard you asked for me?"

"Uh, yeah. I did."

Bucky had hoped this wouldn't be awkward but it is, still, and he wishes he could go back to the awkwardness of just being shy and unsure around her instead of this where he doesn't know where he stands. Natasha looks as beautiful as she always does and while he had asked for her two weeks ago, he'd understood she was busy. It makes sense. Her life isn't about sitting around waiting for him to recover his memories.

"I wish I could tell you I remember but I don't," Bucky says, swallowing a lump in his throat. God, he wishes he remembered. He wants to remember that time they spent together and how they fell in love and the words they said to one another. He wants to know what they had that was so important that she wanted to come see him and try to coax it back out.

"Steve got me some files. I saw some vague mentions of what could be me. Not that I didn't believe you, or anything, just that it's corroborated. I've just been having...dreams. That's mostly why I wanted to see you."

"It's okay, James. I'm not holding it against you not to remember me." That's really not what she had been struggling with at all, just at his frustration, with her not seeming to believe him when about any of it. She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a breath.

She's got a bag next to her and she reaches to pull out a file from it biting her lower lip as she opens her eyes and looks at him.

"I was working on getting my hand on something else, this might be a little more complete then what Steve has... there's still a lot of redacted things though." She offers him the file holding it out.

"You can ask me anything, you know. I'll tell you whatever I can."

"I saw enough from Steve's to know I was there," Bucky says. "So maybe this will fill in a little more of the picture. I don't want to look at it right this second, though. Is this just a drop and go or do you have some time to come in?"

Bucky doesn't know if he can repair what they had where she was so comfortable with him and willing to be so patient with him while he was figuring out who he was and what his place in the world is but he'd like if they were at least friends.

"You could at least get a little break to have something to drink or something to eat even if you have to get out of here."

"I would have just sent the file if it was drop," it's a lie. That information is too personal and he didn't want it getting into anyones hands anyways but she's trying to play it cool.

"Sure, I could use some food-- but I gotta ask, is this all you wanted to talk to me about? Just to let me know that Steve got you info?" she asks curiously. She didn't know what she'd been expecting, a question or something more, but not this so she's treading the waters carefully.

"No."

His voice is soft when he says that. Bucky doesn't know how to fix what happened last time because he'd destroyed the good thing they had because he didn't take Natasha at her word and now he doesn't remember anything about this relationship that they had, the relationship that was so important to her that she wanted to rekindle it.

"I just didn't know how to ask you to visit me," he says, just as quiet. "I fucked it all up last time and I can't remember all the important things about us that you fell in love with. I didn't think it was fair for me to just...hold you emotionally hostage."

"It's okay, it's not your fault, I should have told you in a better way... right off the bat or something. I don't know.." She says softly as she shakes her head. Honestly, she really didn't know how to do such a thing, or what the right thing was and she'd replayed it over and over in her mind these last few weeks.

"Like I said, you can as me anything. Just believe me okay. That includes asking me to come visit."

"Yeah. I just...don't know how to be that guy and I'm afraid to have emotions about...that. I don't think it's fair to not be who you love and expect anything. I need to remember."

It's difficult to say that because he wants to be with Natasha. He wants what they had before he knew even if knowing the truth is better than living a lie. Knowing is better than not knowing all around.

"So I don't want you to feel tied down."

"James, you can focus on you because that's enough. I'm a big girl, and I can keep myself safe, I promise." She takes a step closer to him but doesn't reach out to touch him, just meets him half way incase he wants to come closer.

"You don't always have to try to protect me like that. I know what it's like for things to change, for people to change, but I know that somewhere in there, those memories are. I know that it wasn't a completely different person I was in love with, just a part of him..." she says with a smile, because she's sure of that.

"Besides, you were dreaming about me, which says to me you like me too."

"I never said I didn't like you," Bucky says. Like feels like too weak a word for the feelings he had been developing for Natasha before everything came out about him having worked with the Widows before and them having a relationship while he was still under. He had been falling in love with her and now he feels like he's encroaching on another man's woman.

"And yeah, I had dreams. I never stopped wanting you. I just feel like I'm encroaching on the ghost you loved. I feel like you're a widow and I'm the new man coming in after your husband died except the husband was...me. A different me."

And clearly a more confident him.

She cocks her head to the side a little bit thinking on his statement which is different and and interesting way to look at it.

"And would you think that about someone who's husband died? That her second husband was loved any less then the first one?" she asks softly, like she's trying to judge his reasoning there. She's a little frustrated in the way that he always seems to be convinced he's right about everything -- but it's also just like how he always was, so there's also some assurance to that.

"Tell me about your dreams James."

"I don't know how I'd feel, Natasha. It's a pretty unique situation, don't you think? This one? I think it'd be different if it was two different men but this like...two halves of myself and I can't access one half of it."

Bucky makes a frustrated noise and when she asks about the dreams, he thinks that's easier to address.

"Dreams about showering with you, about lying in bed with you, about stealing you little things just to make you happy. You loved that man. Me. But I don't remember it the way I remember us curled up and watching movies, you know?"

She wants to get frustrated at that, ask him if that means she shouldn't be allowed to like this one now then, but she doesn't. She just focuses on what he says about the dreams.

"Those sound like memories, not made up ones. You used to fold me these little paper currency bills into flowers, or give me other trinkets." Her face has a little bit of a sad smile when she remembers that and shakes her head.

"When I was missing you out there working, I was missing watching movies on the couch with you too you know, you can stop trying to assume you know exactly how I feel, and just ask."

"Look, I just...I needed to know. You're not wrong for telling me. Steve's files showed me enough to confirm I was there. I'm sure what you've brought me will tell me even more about what I did when I was in the Red Room and why I was there."

Bucky runs his hand through his hair; it's so long now that it gets in his eyes easily and still gets tangled.

"I just don't want to let you down. That's all."

"Hey... James..." She says quietly and she reaches out to take his hand.

"You're not going to let me down, okay? That much I am sure of," she adds softly smiling at him and squeezing his hand for a moment in reassurance. She brushes her thumb over the back of his hand quietly and just gives him a moment to process all this.

"Nothing else, literally, is gonna run me off okay. Just, please, stop trying to apologize and push me away and let me be by your side."

"Yeah, I'm just overthinking it," Bucky says. It's hard not to overthink it though because this is such a strange situation and he doesn't think anyone else would have to compete with their past self in a romantic relationship. It's just...yeah.

"It's just difficult to know there's a part of me missing and not know how to get it back. I feel like it's not fair to either of us for me to not have it, you know? I guess it'll come back eventually, though."

"Don't you think that spending more time together, would probably help with some of that?"

It's quite, she's not going to beg him to let her stay there. She still wants to run away sometimes when he gets like this, but she's figuratively digging in her heels and not letting herself turn this time.

"Stop explaining, just feel."

"Just feel," Bucky agrees. There's no harming in just letting himself feel and he remembers when Natasha said he'd feel stupid about feeling nervous with her and now he understands what that meant and, well, he does feel a little stupid about it. He offers his hand to her.

"Remember when you said I'd feel stupid about being nervous? I think I know what you mean, now. I didn't have to feel nervous because you already knew me, right? Or some of me, at least."

She squeezes his hand and steps a little closer, looking up at him with a gentle smile. The kind that's soft, and she's kept just for him all these years.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I meant, you already had me hook line and sinker, there was nothing for you to worry about. I'm a sure thing Barnes, and you're going to think you're extra dumb when you were suggesting I'd probably rather be off with one of your friends yeah."

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