ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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"Don't you think that spending more time together, would probably help with some of that?"

It's quite, she's not going to beg him to let her stay there. She still wants to run away sometimes when he gets like this, but she's figuratively digging in her heels and not letting herself turn this time.

"Stop explaining, just feel."

"Just feel," Bucky agrees. There's no harming in just letting himself feel and he remembers when Natasha said he'd feel stupid about feeling nervous with her and now he understands what that meant and, well, he does feel a little stupid about it. He offers his hand to her.

"Remember when you said I'd feel stupid about being nervous? I think I know what you mean, now. I didn't have to feel nervous because you already knew me, right? Or some of me, at least."

She squeezes his hand and steps a little closer, looking up at him with a gentle smile. The kind that's soft, and she's kept just for him all these years.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I meant, you already had me hook line and sinker, there was nothing for you to worry about. I'm a sure thing Barnes, and you're going to think you're extra dumb when you were suggesting I'd probably rather be off with one of your friends yeah."

"Well, I'm pretty sure Steve's heart is taken," Bucky says, laughing softly. He's never seen anyone look at a person the way Steve had looked at Peggy Carter and he's not sure why he ever entertained the thought of Steve and Natasha being together.

"But I guess you could say my heart's taken too," he says, squeezing her hand back. "Come on inside. I'm not the kinda guy to just leave a girl standing on the porch when she's the most beautiful girl I've ever met."

She melts a little bit when he says that. She really wants to throw herself at him and wrap his arms around him and just give him a big hug but that just feels a little too much.

"Lead the way, James.." She says instead but she doesn't let go of his hand as she follows him into his home quietly. She knows she's been pushy, and a lot and she'd like to just let him a relax a little bit more.

"You always told me I was the prettiest girl in the world.." she chuckles, "My pretty little spider" She says off hand in Russian, but with an American accent like he speaks.

"I didn't use spider. I couldn't possibly have used something as on the nose as spider," Bucky says, giving her a narrow-eyed look. He leads her inside and goes to get them both something to drink while he turns that over and over in his head. Pretty little spider. Nah, no way. That's never a nickname he'd use.

"Vixen," he substitutes, still in Russian. "That's more like me, I think. I won't believe spider until I remember it myself or have video evidence."

And the latter cannot possibly exist.

She grins at that, hoisting herself up on his kitchen counter to sit taking the drink he hands her and takes a sip looking over at him pointedly as she says it. It's somehow very funny to imagine that this James is much cooler and convinced he is then the one he knows.

"Just so you know, I told you the other Widows used to talk about you, but it was bullshit... you're right you only had eyes for one vixen." She says reassuringly with a grin.

"Guess I'm just too prefect."

"I told you that was bullshit. No one would describe me as fun," Bucky says. It's light-hearted this time, though, not broken and brittle and painful. It's something he can laugh at a little bit now because it's been bandaged over. It's not fixed, not at all, but he can poke a little fun at it.

"I would say I would need a personality transplant to be fun but that's not actually funny since I had one," he adds. "But me only having eyes for you? That tracks. I don't think there's any woman alive or dead who could hold a candle to the great Natasha Romanoff."

"You know, I'm starting to think you've gotten a hell of a lot funnier, James." She says fondly and holds out her arms for him to come closer to her sitting on the counter. She wants to wrap her legs around him a little bit but him standing between them will make it up to that idea.

"I'm sure there's prettier women out there in the world, but I'll settle on being the prettiest in your eyes, because those are the only ones I care about anyways. Plus, let's be honest, I could kick pretty much anyone elses ass."

Bucky moves to stand in front of her so Natasha can wrap her arms around him while she's still sitting on the counter. She's so short that doing this basically makes her the same height as he is and he finds it amusing that finally, this is the way they get face to face.

"I'm pretty sure I'm not funnier. The truly funny version of me died in 1945. I think what I am now is laughable, which has the root of laugh but does not, in fact, speak to my ability to deliver jokes. And yes, you could kick everyone else's ass."

She sets her drink on the counter and drapes her arms around his neck and smiles at him, he's handsome and it's easy to get lost in his eyes. She just looks at him fond, quite for a moment before adding. "Maybe we need to get a comedy movie list then, get your comedy sense up in reaction to it. Bet you'd pick it up soon..."

She takes one of her hands away to bring it up to comb through his hair with a gentle smile.

"It'll get better James, you just have to give it time. When I first got out I was so afraid all the time, kept looking behind my back constantly."

"What did my hair look like then?"

It's an impromptu question, only asked because Natasha has her hand in his hair again and it feels so good that he almost can't string a sentence together. He wonders if she touched his hair like this back then, back during those times he doesn't remember. His dreams showed him with long hair but he has long hair now so he might have simply imagined it that way because it's how he looks now.

"Was it like this?"

The first question he's asked, and she's more then happy to answer that. She smiles at that carding her fingers through his hair a bit quicker in response to it.

"It was long, just like this," she says with a smile. "Sometimes when your head was hurting you'd lay your head in my lap and I'd just run my fingers through your hair for hours, it's why I decided to ask to wash it."

She explains the first day they'd spent together here in Wakanda.

"I thought it might help you relax still to this day."

"Huh. I did like it when you washed it," Bucky admits. He likes her touching it right now, too, and her description of stroking it while his head's in her lap sounds like the most relaxing thing in the world. He realizes now that her washing his hair had been just as much for her as it was for him.

"I thought nobody had ever done that for me," Bucky says. "But it felt so good that I didn't know how to ask for it again. Guess you know me better than I know me at this point considering you can fill in all my blanks."

She combs her fingers through his hair a bit more, brushing some out of his face. He’s handsome, she wonders what he would look like with shorter hair, she’s pretty sure he’d be handsome no matter how his hair was.

“Not all of them, but some. And I’d be happy to fill in what I can for you whenever you want … if you ever decide that you do.”

“I can wash your hair again tomorrow for you if you want, it looks nice today still, I don’t think it’s quite ready for another wash yet.”

"Maybe we could see about actually doing it in a shower this time. Unless that's...crossing a line. It doesn't have to be sex, it can just be a shower."

They've both seen each other naked dozens of times, surely, even if he doesn't remember it and he's not so out of control that he can't see a woman naked and not keep his hands to himself. It can just be hair washing. It's just more convenient in the shower.

She starts to giggle at that and gives him a look.

“I will absolutely have just a shower with you- but you should know that shower was absolutely the first place we ever got dirty together,” she tells him carding fingers through his hair.

“I tried to sneak up on you, and you caught me … then we “practiced” my English and you taught me some very dirty words” she adds with a chuckle.

"I can imagine how many dirty words I taught you," Bucky says, laughing softly. "I went through an entire war. I think I know filthy words in every language, not just English."

It then dawns on him that she said that's the first time they ever got dirty together and he colors a little.

"The first-first time?"

“I am somehow not surprise at all that you know all the dirty words…” she says grinning at him. It’s like that idea has him relaxed a little bit. However when he asks the next question to her the grin fades and something a bit more nostalgic takes over her expression.

“Well, it was my first time with someone I got to choose, the first time just for fun. So you might say it counted like that —“ the seriousness changes as she adds teasingly. “Don’t tell me you’ve got a virginity kink”

Bucky gives her an awkward look and wonders how he can play this off. Being called out on a specific kink - whether it is his kink or not - is a little embarrassing for him. Maybe it won't always be that way and maybe it wasn't when he worked with the Red Room but he's still finding his footing right now and trying to feel comfortable in his own skin again.

"Well, I didn't know. I just thought if I was your first, it was important to know. But I kinda was, I guess, so it doesn't matter. The actual physical...for fucks' sake, Natasha, I'm terrible at talking about this. Are you sure I used to be smooth? Because I was in the 40's but I sure as hell am not now."

She picks up on the awkwardness that he’s feeling and she just melts a little more pulling him in for a hug so she can lean in and kiss his cheek for a moment.

“Sweetheart, you just made sure to check with me to make sure you understand how important something like that is to me. That is smooth and caring — I’m the idiot who turned it into a joke..”

She pulls back and looks him in the eye and shrugs. “I guess sometimes I’m still bitter about the work I had to do sometimes when I was in the room…”

"I'm bitter about it too. What I remember of being the Winter Soldier...I got used too. Maybe not the same was as Widows because you have to use your sexuality to get information, to eliminate targets. I remember being locked up in my body while I got used."

On this, they can agree, and Bucky is sad that they can. Nobody should have to go through the things they've been through.

"It's not fair to have to use something as intimate as sex as a weapon."

She nods, it's true and he's right. They both have been through too much and it's not fair for either of them.

"It was too much for both of us, but now we're out -- and we never have to go back James. Instead we get to be the good guys..." She says and looks at his eyes carefully trying to judge how he feels about the idea of working in the field at all and adds.

"Or you can be a cute stay at home boyfriend, who keeps a lot of plants and cooks dinner."

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back out there," he admits. "So I might be staying at home for a while." Bucky does stumble over "boyfriend" a little and turn it over in his mind because that implies that Natasha wants something with him, something real, and it's a little hard to believe that she does even knowing their history together.

"You ready to agree to that? Being in a relationship? Or was boyfriend just casual and something to make the joke flow well?"

She moves her hand from his hair down to his cheek to cup his face giving him a soft smile.

"Darling, I figure whenever you want that, I will want that. Whenever it is..." she says softly with a smile. "You got me wrapped around your finger and don't even know it."

Then she gets the impulse and she leans in to kiss him, because well, she's not sure it will do them any harm and she wants to kiss him. Besides, he's looked at her like he'd like to kiss her often and she can't help but want to kiss him.

So she does, it's soft and gentle, and slow but it's clearly romantic trying to pour all her feelings over him so she can stop talking about it. She hates words sometimes, and there's been so many words between them recently.

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