ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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She nudges her head back against his fingers to let him know that it was okay, and he doesn't need to stop that. Her lips are curled in a smile as she watches him carefully while he explains.

"Awe, that's sweet, but the closest I've come to death any time recently is directly in this room as you said previously..." she gives him a wink to let him know she's not holding a grudge about it though.

"This new arm will do a pretty good job at protecting me though, I suppose. I like it as a pillow more though."

"Can't be a comfortable pillow. It's made of literal metal," Bucky says, laughing at her a little. "I'm sure the other side is probably way more comfortable than this one but if you have strange tastes, I don't think it's my place to change your mind."

Bucky strokes her hair again because she's tilted her head into his hand and he has a soft smile. Touching her makes him happy.

"I bet there's other more comfortable things to use as pillows around here."

That reaction just makes her lean her cheek against the arm after she shakes her head. She likes this, it's him. It's a different metal but the cool feel of it against her skin is reassuring, kindling memories of long ago that were hidden in the back of her brain, tucked away because she didn't allow herself to feel them anymore.

"No thanks, I'm good with you as a pillow..." she doesn't bring up the arm again. It took everything she had to say she'd used it many times and it had never been a problem before so she didn't think it would be now.

"Strange girl," Bucky says. It makes him happy, though, having Natasha so close and when the movie ends, he finds that he doesn't want it to be over. He wants her to stay right here and maybe even fall asleep in his lap but he doesn't know how to subtly send her that kind of signal.

"If you want to stay over, bed's free. I can take the couch for a night so you can be comfortable."

There's no way he won't offer the bed to her. He's a gentleman.

She shifts against him and moves to sit up a little bit, turning so she can look at him. She's close, almost in his lap, but not quite and it's full of tension like she just wants to let herself crash into him like that.

"I just told you that I want to use you as a pillow, I'm pretty sure that would be difficult if you were on the couch, James."

Bucky hopes to god he's not blushing but his face feels hot and he thinks it might be giving things away he doesn't want to give away right now. He doesn't move away from Natasha, though, and she's pressed close enough that she's almost in his lap.

"I guess you're right about that. I can't be in two places at once so I guess we gotta share. I mean...if you're all right with that and all that entails."

"Oh I think we can somehow manage..." she says fondly and moves to get up off the couch offering him a hand. She's not used to leading him, but she's used to leading men in general so it's easy enough. She tugs him over to the bed and then glances down at her clothes and makes a face.

"Do you have a big t-shirt or something I could borrow to sleep in? Jeans kind of suck for being comfortable with that."

"Oh, yeah, I'm pretty sure anything I own will be big on you," Bucky says. He goes to look through the one dresser he has here and pulls out a t-shirt, just plain black, and gives it to her.

"That should work. You're small enough that it should be a dress on you, more or less. If you want something else, I'll see what I can find."

"Yep, no problem" she says and takes the t-shirt before heading to the bathroom to change. She folds her clothing in a nice pile and waits a few minutes, assuming that it is giving him time to change into sweats before she comes back out in just the t-shirt smiling at him.

"It is absolutely bigger then some night gowns I own, that is for sure. How's it look?" She asks and gives him a twirl.

Bucky had taken the time to change into sweats but she's so quick that he hadn't gotten a shirt yet before she comes back out of the bathroom. Men are shirtless all the time, though, so it's not like it's anything she's never seen anymore but he feels...seen.

Her, though. It does something to him to see her in his shirt and it takes him a minute to respond to her question.

"Oh, yeah, you look great. But you always look great no matter what you wear."

"You know how to make a girl blush," she says, but she's not actually blushing. She's gotten much better at controlling those kind of emotions then when she had originally met him. She crosses the space over to him, closing it and stepping in close.

She looks up at him, thinks about wrapping her arms around his neck for a slow moment before she places a hand on his chest. The other widows always called him the handsome American, because that what he was.

"Gonna keep me safe from the wild cats?"

Bucky is a little surprised she has her palm on his bare chest but should he be? Natasha has never been shy about touching him. Still, he feels like that point of contact is burning him like a brand even if he can't pull himself away from it.

"Uh, yeah. I can protect you from the wildlife. Don't normally have a problem with it out here but if it comes up, you can get behind me. I can take it."

She looks up at him and brushes a thumb over his chest. Over the tshirt is the necklace he got her, she hasn't taken it off and under there's a silver chain that's tucked away that you can just see around her neck. She stays for a moment longer before patting his chest and stepping away to crawl onto the bed tucking herself under his covers without even waiting for an invite.

"There's a word in Japanese called skinship, and how important it is for people to have skin to skin contact -- even platonically. I think maybe your body is craving it after so long..."

What Natasha is saying makes sense. People aren't meant to be isolated and alone the way he's been for so long; they're social creatures, simply put, and he's been pushing the limits of the measure of solitude a man can stand without going insane.

Natasha has already gotten into bed and Bucky feels like that's an invitation to join her even if he feels like it crosses some invisible boundary. Maybe she wants the boundary to be crossed - why mention skinship if she didn't want to cross it?

Get in the damn bed, Barnes, he thinks to himself, and slides in alongside her.

"In spite of speaking Japanese, I don't think I've ever heard of that."

"Yeah, well I suppose you were more used to words for weapons and tactics," she says with a smile. She can tell he's nervous, it's almost sweet to watch, but once he's in bed she tucks up close to him sliding up against his side and resting her head on his shoulder. One hand moves to rest on his chest and she just holds herself there close, skin on skin and sighs softly.

"It's not your fault that you were so much weapon you forgot how to human, James. I'll help you remember... a long time ago someone helped me feel human too when I didn't know how to be."

"That was a lucky someone," Bucky says. It's hard to think when Natasha is curled up against him like this and he can smell the faint scent of her shampoo and feel the softness of her hand against his chest. He wonders what it would be like to be her lover. Not one of her marks, one of those people that get seduced for information, but her lover. He wonders what it would be like to be the person to have her heart.

But Natasha flirts like breathing and while she's said she'd be with him if he'd ever wanted it, that she'd go on dates with him and that she thinks he's handsome, is it real? Are there emotions there or is it just physical? At one point in his life, physical was enough, but he doesn't think it is anymore.

"I'm not the kind of guy who can do this without feelings," he blurts out and he feels like he's made a mistake as soon as he's said it. He can't take it back now. "I'll get hurt."

"He was pretty great..." she says off handedly. It's casual like she's not ready to put much thought in it. Instead she's just enjoying his touch, the softness of his skin, the feel of being close to him again after all these years.

After all they had been through. Yet he doesn't even know that they had been through half of it. When he says he'll get hurt she always blurts out that it was always him, that this isn't lacking feelings, that those feelings never left.

They stayed with her every day she was without him. Even the years she thought she'd never see him again. Until that time he attacked her again.

"I told you, James. I'm here for as much or as little as you need, that I'd let you lead."

"I know, you did say that, it's just...Natasha, I'm a mess. I'm fragile. I can't take it if it doesn't work out, you know? I was under too long to want anything but the real deal but people aren't perfect and you...you've got a lot of options. That's all."

Still, she's chosen to be in bed next to him and not out there pursuing any of those options so maybe he should just shut up about that and just enjoy how it feels to hold her. It feels good to have someone pick him over other people, to choose him over all the better bodies they could have.

"I want someone I could love someday and that could possibly love me back. That's a lot to ask of a person."

The way he talks makes her want to get out of bed and run far away. It feels like he's judging her even though he knows it's more complicated then it being simply that. She tightens a little bit as she listens to him.

She pulls back just enough to look down at him slowly, carefully taking in each part of his face and his concern.

"Some day you're going to think back to this conversation and think you were a real idiot for saying this to me, just so you know."

Her face is soft after she says it and she leans back in to tuck down against him.

"I said whatever you want, and need and I fucking meant it. Don't make me say it again, James."

Bucky realizes now that she'd taken what he'd said as a judgment on her and not on himself and now he's embarrassed and apologetic all at once. She's settled back against him and he sighs heavily enough that she can surely feel the movement of his chest.

"I wasn't judging you, Natasha. I was just...I don't know. But it wasn't a judgment on you at all."

She says that he'll think he's an idiot for saying this to her one day and he doesn't quite know what that means but maybe she means she's willing to put a hell of a lot of investment into him. That makes absolutely zero sense - he's got a lot of work to do before he's healthy enough to be a good partner - but she keeps insisting she's there for anything he needs. Instead -

"What makes me special to you, Natasha? Why are you fighting so hard for me?"

It's tempting to want to say so many things to him. To explain things so she just sighs a little bit and stays quite while she's thinking about it.

"How much do you want to know about that?" she asks curiously. It's only a moment before she adds to it though. "Because I know what it's like to be controlled and used, and I know that under all that rust of it that needs to be knocked out there is a wonderful man underneath it all."

It makes sense, relating to him on a base level because she's been a Widow and he was the Winter Soldier. Nobody else has the experiences they have and no one else can understand them. Sure, they can say they sympathize and say sorry and say they wish that you hadn't gone through them but they don't know. They don't know what it's like to have to murder without a choice in the matter.

Natasha does.

"That's why you feel safe when you're with me? Because you get it? Because I'm pretty sure you're the only person who can get it."

"It's some of the reason that's for sure..." she explains voice soft a hand stroking along where his metal arm meets the flesh of his shoulder. She pauses for a moment, thinking of words before adding.

"Everyone says they don't know me, they can't know me, because I'm too many people or pretend to be. It feels like you see me though, James." She doesn't add that it always felt like he could see her over the years.

"I don't really know how to explain it all though."

"The most important things can never be explained by something so inadequate as words," Bucky says. She's touching him still, hand stroking at his shoulder where it fits in with his metal arm. It's sensitive there but no longer painful after being fitted with the new arm and he closes his eyes. He wants to make noises that are absolutely inappropriate but he bites the inside of his cheek to keep them in.

"L’essentiel est Invisible pour les Yeux."*

The French comes easily, accented well even if you can still tell he's an American, and he gives her a little smile.

*( What is essential is invisible to the eye. - The Little Prince. )

"Where'd you hear that quote from?" she asks curiously. She's surprised but it's not unwarranted, his brain is like a filing box with everything tucked away in a way that brain. She knows that some of it will start to unpack and make sense in his head.

"Just let the feelings," she reassures him and just brushes his shoulder a little bit more. "Close your eyes, just relax, and let the feelings have you. Try not to even think about it..."

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