ostavil | 001 wakanda

She's nervous as she approaches his hut. She's heard about how he's doing from Steve, but it was all about his relationship with Bucky. No one, not even Steve knew anything about her history with The Soldier, and she planned on keeping it that way. For all she knew, Bucky had no memory of any of it, so what was the point of digging at old wounds for herself.

However recently Steve had gotten busy with something during his regularly scheduled trip and asked her if she wanted to go instead, citing Sam being busy as well. Honestly, it wouldn't have taken much more of an ask to get her to go. She'd been toying with the idea in her mind, but explaining to people why she was there was something she'd wanted to avoid so this had caused her the easiest cover.

"Hey there," she says when she sees him. The mixed feelings flood over her, reminders of an old love, fear of the last couple times she's fought him. Now here he is standing in the door of a hut, in Wakanda, looking so soft and far from either of the men she's previously known.

"Steve said he was worried you were getting bored and sent me," she says with half a smile. "He didn't warn me that the goats might try to eat my jacket as I walked by though."

"They're pretty indiscriminate about their food sources. If you fall asleep around them, you have to worry about your hair," Bucky says, laughing a little. He doesn't quite know how to interact with Natasha since he's had few conversations with her and more attempts on her life. She doesn't seem to hold it against him since she has come to visit him but he still carries guilt about it, just one piece of the guilt he carries all the time.

"I'm sorry it's not very much but I wanted to get away from everything. They offered me rooms in the palace and I rejected them because I felt like I needed to get my head straight and it's easier to do that out here with nothing but the goats and the savanna. I have some kids visit me sometimes but other than that, I'm mostly left alone."

He chances a smile. "And, well, now you're here. You're a new face. I usually get Steve or Sam. I guess I didn't hurt you that badly last time we saw one another? If I did, I'm sorry."

"Oh is that what happened to your hair, Barnes? Goat barber?" she says it with a smile before crossing the distance to get closer to him. When in doubt, make a joke? Right. It always seemed to work for Steve so why not for this James Barnes who she only knows part of. It's worth a shot anyways.

She was worried about awkward greetings as she'd made her way here but that didn't even time to happen. The worries of the plane of do you shake his hand? Do you hug him? Do you jokingly pull a gun on him? They were all put to rest because here he was apologizing.

"Don't you even dare, James. We've all done shit that we regret, but you even get the excuse of brainwashing," she tilts her head to the side a little bit giving him a reassuring half smile. "I will however, accept a promise that you won't ever shoot me again. That seems like a fair trade."

"I solemnly swear never to shoot you again," Bucky says and it is sincere even if there's a tinge of humor to it. He doesn't ever want to hurt anyone again but especially not Natasha, who he's hurt more than once and she seems to have accepted it wasn't his fault and still wants some kind of relationship with him. He doesn't know her well, at all, but she seems to be close friends with Steve and he'd like to know her too.

"It helps that I have no weapons here and I only have one arm. It's very limited what I even could do if I got activated. You'd take me down easily with your garrote. You could nearly do it anyway. I think it's only the...relentless nature of the Winter Soldier that's kept you from succeeding before."

He doesn't really want to talk about that, though, so he wipes his hand off on his shirt for want of something better to do. He's wearing a t-shirt and sweats today even though normally he wears Wakandan traditional clothes and he wonders if that's because he knew Natasha was coming today; he's been known to have a preternatural sense about things before.

"This is the part where I offer you something to drink but all I have is tea. Do you drink tea?"

He's nervous, and she thinks it's very cute. She nods, when he promises not to hurt her more. She trusts him, really, there aren't those nerves stirring that she thought would. Instead he looks soft, gentle in a way she'd never seen him over the years, it's hard to not just want to give him a hug when looks like that.

"Maybe, but I'm feeling awfully lazy about sparring so we'll have to wait another trip to find out."

It's a distraction, a simple one. The suggestion that if they were to fight it wouldn't be because of him being brainwashed anyways. She doesn't want him to think she's worried about any of that.

"Tea sounds perfect though, I am Russia you know," She shoots him a smile like he should know by now Russians love the tea. "Why don't you show me this little simple way of life hut, Steve never really described it."

"One bedroom, one bathroom, galley kitchen, and a tiny living room. Everything is great because it's Wakandan but it's still simple enough that I can live out here on the fringes and pretend to be roughing it. They were nice enough to make it so it's not so difficult to use one arm to get everything I need."

Wakandans are nothing if not considerate and Bucky doesn't know how he'll ever thank them or repay the debt he owes. He imagines that Shuri would scoff at the idea of him owing a debt and Ayo would too but he feels like he should do more than express verbal gratitude. He knows he'll always fight for them, no matter the circumstances.

It doesn't take him long to set the kettle to boil and he comes back to see Natasha. She looks much the same as she did in Germany - same flame-bright hair, same confident posture. He imagines that very little rattles Natasha Romanoff and least of all a half-broken Winter Soldier.

"What are things like on the outside right now? Nice and quiet?"

"Oh you know, as quite as ever..." she says casually as he leads her into the room. It's cozy, she notes taking a seat at his little two chair bistro set up that is his kitchen table. She folds up her legs onto the chair crossing them as leans on a hand watching him move around the tiny kitchen.

He looks so calm, but strong. When she'd seen him after they found him in Romania he'd been a shell of himself, someone who was sinking into the shadows, who didn't want to be perceived but this Bucky wasn't like that at all. It's reassuring to see him be more comfortable in himself.

"Not long ago I finished a marathon of a bunch of Bond movies while eating crappy box pasta, so that's how it's going," she teases with a smile. "Is it just Wakandan films here or do they give you access to American media?"

"I can get anything I want here. I've been watching and reading a lot of Wakandan media, though, because it's helped me learn the language. Immersion is best, after all."

He's not sure how they crammed all that knowledge into his head as the Winter Soldier but Wakandan wasn't one of the languages they deemed necessary considering how difficult it is to even get into the country and learning it has been a challenge to occupy his mind while he's been recovering. It's been good for him, he thinks, even if Shuri reminds him daily that he still sounds like an American when he tries to pronounce anything. He's learned that her love language is sarcasm and has even managed to toss some back once in a while. Still, it's nice to see a new face that isn't launching into the Bucky comedy pitch.

"I basically can get anything I want, though, if you want to watch Bond movies and eat...well, my food is all Wakandan at the moment but I'm sure there's some crappy boxed pasta somewhere in this country. It's clearly something that opening up the trade borders would allow in."

"Oh, I know a little bit about learning language through immersion," she nods in agreement. Her mind goes to his Russian, his American accent on it. The she and the other Widows used to refer to him as the American when they spoke about him behind his back. He spoke to all the handlers in Russian there, but he was helping with English pronunciation for all of them as well.

She laughs at the idea of boxed pasta though and shakes her head. "You know, if I never have to eat boxed pasta again, I will not be soon enough, I'm down for trying whatever Wakandan creation Chef James has gotten his training on and watching some bad spy movies though."

She remembers them watching them together on the odd mission she'd earned with him. It was only the best Widows who got to go with him -- which lucky for her she was. But she remembers him liking to watch and criticize the weird tricks they did that made no sense.

"Do you like spy movies?"

"Well, I sort of do," Bucky admits. "Thing is, they do everything wrong. They're so conspicuous, you know? I know I was always around for an intimidation factor as much as anything but I did my work clean and without getting caught. That's the point. And you damn sure aren't supposed to tell anyone your real name. Aliases only."

Bucky laughs, thinking of some of the movies he's seen where the spy just walks right up and introduces himself by first and last name like it's nothing. Stupid.

"Stealth isn't exactly optional but they treat it like it is. Nobody uses C4 as much as they do in those movies. Of course, I guess picking them apart is half the fun, yeah?"

Natasha bites at her lower lip, surprising a laugh. "Barnes, did you just mansplain to me how to be a spy?"

Once she gets the question out her lips curl into a wicked smile that show she's amused by the situation and not upset by it. It's just cute that he was explaining such things. When the tea kettle starts steaming she gets up herself to take care of it helping him out because she's comfortable with it. Pouring two cups before opening his cupboard to look for some jam to put in hers.

"What do you take in your tea, anyways?"

"Nothing. Pretty boring guy. And no, I did not mansplain to you how to be a spy, I was just pointing out all the inaccuracies. Of course you know not to do any of those things. You're actually good at your job."

Being good at your job as a spy more or less means "not dead" and since Natasha has managed that, he imagines she's very good.

"How does it work now since you're an Avenger, though? People don't recognize your face? Or are you always using those new masks they came out with?"

She grins at him. "I was just teasing you James, sorry..." It had more been a hook and line trying to draw him out, see if he still had any of those memories from their time together previously. He doesn't seem to, and that's okay.

Hell, sometimes she wishes she didn't have memories of all the things she'd had to do over the years.

"Masks sometimes, but honestly, practical disguises work really well. If people aren't really looking for you they can't see you. You could be standing right in front of someone you've known for years and have no idea in the right situation," she huffs out a laugh at the idea bringing the tea back over to the table and offering him a cup taking her own.

"That's true. I just don't remember ever having to do that. I think my thing was more intimidation so they wanted targets to know they sent me particularly. I spent a lot of time blending in Romania, though. You're right. If they aren't really looking for you, they can't see you at all. I probably could have managed there forever."

It was no way to live, hand to mouth as he was, but it was free and that was more than he'd had for decades as the Winter Soldier. Bucky thinks this is close to things he doesn't want to poke at, though, so he takes a long swallow of his tea and doesn't care that it's too hot.

"Better here, though. Getting used to freedom, you know? It's like a shirt that doesn't fit me anymore."

"Completely changed, like a shirt that doesn't fit anymore." She repeats the last bit and takes a sip of her tea to hide any feelings that might be there with that. It's complicated, she's happy that he doesn't feel like an intimidation machine though.

He was like a big bulldozing tank for so long. It made sense that he'd like to be softer, less scary then that.

"I mean, I can confirm at least the goats and the kids who live here aren't scared of you as they were very excited to lead me to your hut." She says when she puts the mug down hands cupping around it idly. It's awkward, the entire discussion, but she knew it would be.

"So what's the best thing about freedom been so far, Mr. Barnes?"

"Knowing I can sleep and not worry about keeping one eye open," Bucky says. "I'll never sleep well, I don't think I'll ever do that again, but it's easier to sleep now that I know I don't have to look over my shoulder constantly."

Bucky shakes his head and gives her a rueful smile. "There's the food, too. I'm not half hungry all the damn time. This metabolism takes way more food than someone on the run can manage to get without standing out."

Natasha is asking questions that nobody else has thought to ask. Steve talks about the past and Sam mostly ribs him. Natasha's questions are insightful and they'd feel prying if he didn't know her but from her, he doesn't mind them so much.

She sighs a little bitterly at the comment at the ability to sleep. It's relatable to her. They'd cuffed them to the beds before graduation, it'd been hard to sleep after it still within the program. After it was somehow even harder, the nightmares that continued even though she'd done what she thought to bring the room down.

"When I got out I couldn't sleep forever, even when someone offered to stay and watch over me. I couldn't trust them..." It's not comparable to his experience but she hopes by offering him that view into her own life it will let him know it's okay to share these things with her. Hell, somewhere deep within her she hopes that it will crawl deep under his skin and somewhere bloom in his thoughts, remind him of things.

She didn't know how hydra had kept him fueled during all the times he'd been moved, only in the couple years he was in the Red Room with her. Shitty nutritional bars that were supposed to be complete needs and tasted like cardboard.

"All I wanted to eat was fruit when I first got my choice, Clint used to have to remind me that protein was important."

"They don't understand how good fruit tastes when you've been institutionalized. Fresh fruit? Shit's better than chocolate. It was expensive when I was on the run but I always made a way to get some because I couldn't help myself. It reminded me I was free and could eat anything I wanted, you know?"

Protein is important and you can get that in tasteless powder or tasteless bars but Bucky doesn't have to do that anymore. He has all the fresh meat and vegetables he could ask for; he even grows some of them out back. There's fruit, too, and there's some in Wakanda he's never seen before.

"We have so much good food here but you know what I would give my right arm for? A burger. You know, a really greasy diner burger. We had those back in the stone ages, you know, and I miss that. I probably haven't had one since before the war considering rationing."

"Okay old man. When we finally get back to the states you and I have a date with a double bacon cheeseburger and some chocolate and fruit fondue, because I absolutely will not accept that sort of slander at chocolate."

She can't help but smile over at him when she says it. She doesn't even mean date in a romantic sense in this point, she's just wanting to include chocolate in this discussion of things that must be delicious because it was one of her favorite things to overindulge in after.

"Also you really shouldn't give your right arm. Being armless seems like a pretty difficult way to live, even for James Barnes."

"I think I could manage with no arms," Bucky says, laughing softly. "Still got two legs and a brain, don't I? I could figure shit out. Besides, nobody can draft me for another war if I'm completely disabled. Can't keep fighting for other people's problems if I only have half a body."

He laughs again but it's uncomfortable this time because he's slid into something darker without meaning to. They were talking about cheeseburgers and fruit and now he's talking about getting failed by the draft board (does that still exist?) because he'd be completely disabled.

"I'm still learning how to have normal conversations. You've got to give me a pass on that one. I just...yeah. It's not something I'm good at anymore after not having any conversations for, what, seventy years? Felt like an eternity in there."

She takes another drink of her tea looking over the cup at him smiling gently as she shakes her head. He doesn't need to worry about getting weird around her, she's said enough weird things after she'd gotten out of the Red Room and she hadn't event been mind controlled.

"One I don't think the United States has drafted anyone since Vietnam. Two you're absolutely too old, and well three is just that you don't have to worry about it, James. I've been there, hell, some of the guys still say I'm weird about things."

It's a simpler explanation then what she'd like to give but they're just starting to talk to each other, and sometimes it's easier like that.

"What is it you normally get up to when you have guests anyways?"

"My guests are normally twelve and under and want to play with my hair," Bucky says. "So I've come out with some interesting Wakandan hairstyles, that's for sure. Steve just wants to talk about the past. Sam just wants to take the shit out of me. Shuri wants to make sure I'm still sane and take the shit out of me."

Bucky finishes his tea and sets the cup down gently.

"You're probably the most normal visitor I've had here, honestly. Well, T'Challa was nice but very formal so I'd say you and T'Challa have been the closest to fine. I don't want it to be 1945 anymore, you know? But I don't think I'm ready for now yet either."

"Please don't compare me to royalty, James," she says in a half kidding tone. "That is probably treasonous or something." The corner of her mouth curls into a smirk, clearly not too bothered by it.

"Well, I'm not above hair playing. I could braid it if you want, or if you want to lean over the tub I'm happy to wash it for you. I know for me, it's always nice to when I get to go to the salon and just have someone else deal with it," she explains her line of thinking. She doesn't want to suggest that his hair is too greasy or anything like that.

"Might help you relax a little bit? Not exactly the barber shops of your time."

"Gotta be better than the military barber," Bucky says with a laugh. Maybe it's weird to have a woman wash his hair for him but he doesn't think it's going to come up in regular conversation between Natasha and, say, Tony Stark so it's okay.

"Let's wash it first," he says. "Maybe it's more manageable when it's cleaner than I can ever manage to get it. I don't think I ever get the shampoo out all the way. Easier with two hands than one."

He's adapted but some things are still difficult.

She moves to stand up from the table with a nod, he seems to have taken the instruction well enough and she goes to walk over to the skin and inspect the spray hose that pulled down. It was nice and practical.

"If you bring a chair over here, and your shampoo and conditioner I think the sink might be the easiest place to do this? I'll even blow dry for you after." She adds that last bit like it's some how a lot more work after offering to wash the man's hair.

She knew how different it was to experience touch like this for the first time after getting out and it was a nice change for her. In the Red Room they'd at least had decent hair care even if it wasn't gentle, couldn't have a Widow not be beautiful. She was sure Hydra had never cared about The Soldier for that though.

Also, some little piece of her thought back to baths in hotels crammed in together, washing his hair for him. And it softens her thoughts a little more. This was a dangerous game she was playing an she knew it, but she can't help wanting to help him relax.

Bucky does actually have nice bath products because Wakanda wouldn't let him have less than the best while under their care and it's sort of nice because he feels a lot more like a person when he has real shampoo and conditioner and nice soap and aftershave. He hasn't been shaving regularly because who's gonna care about that, goats? Still, if Natasha is going to make a habit of visiting him, he needs to be on his hygiene a little more so he sneaks on a little cologne and sizes himself up in the mirror and decides that it's about as good as he can ever be anymore.

He lines the bottles up on the counter next to the sink and laughs softly.

"You know, I've never been to a hair salon. Barber? Oh yeah. I was in there once a week, you know. I had to get all the edges shaped nice and get a good shave but never a hair salon. They all used to smell of perms and hairspray, I remember that."

She's impressed when he brings out multiple bottles and not some 12-in-1 product. Steve had always talked about James being well dressed and a ladies man. This was just another one of those things hiding under layers of frozen feelings.

She drags a chair over to the counter to let him sit down and motions to the chair.

"Well then, I hate to tell you this, but we just added blow outs at the salon to our date that will involve cheeseburgers and chocolate covered fruit. If you start telling me too many more stories we're just going to have to book a second date though. You really can only fit so much into one day, James."

“It’s dating now? Damn, I didn’t even know it worked that way in the post-millennium. I missed a lot about everything but in my day, dates were very, very involved. It was dinner, it was dancing, it was walks on the boardwalk - you did everything you could to make it last as long as possible unless she was the kind of girl who was fine with coming home with you.”

Bucky had plenty of those in the day but he only slept with about half of the ones he dated. There was a reputation, sure, but he wasn’t all that bad. He tried to be a good guy about it and not lead anyone on or make them think he was heading down the aisle when he wasn’t. He was having fun before the war and after, maybe, he might have settled down.

HYDRA ruined all that for him. He didn’t get a wedding or a first baby or buy a house or any of the things you dream about doing. He just got misery. This with Natasha feels almost normal and it’s really nice.

“All right, show a man how to wash his hair correctly.”

She starts the water, keeping it away from his head, testing it with her hand, adjusting until she just got the right nice warm temperature of water. While she does it she smiles at him all dumb at the suggestion of the date.

"I more meant it as like - 'it's a date, put it on the schedule' -- but I'm not gonna say no to a proper date with James Barnes. Just give me a call when you're ready to take me dancing handsome."

She loves dancing, it's beautiful. It's the kind of thing that helped her escape the horrors of the Red Room. Sure, her stuff was mostly ballet, but going old old school dancing with James? Yeah, that sounded nice.

"Alright it's warm. Lean your head over and I'll wash it."

"Oh."

Bucky leans over so she can wash his hair and he's glad he has to have his eyes closed for this because he's mortified. He should have known that date meant "save the date" or "put it on the schedule" and not date but he's an idiot and apparently can't parse the difference.

"I, uh, wasn't meaning to ask you out," he says. It's not as calm and collected as he would like and again, he's glad he can't see Natasha's face because his eyes are closed.

"I just thought it meant something else because it used to, you know? I know you and Steve are...whatever. Friends or something. I wasn't trying to interrupt that."

He's fumbling and it's adorable. Like, really tugging at her heart strings in a way that she didn't know it would with fondness. She loved the Winter Soldier, but James Barnes, he's goofy and god, she thinks it's cute. If he could see her, he'd notice the massive grin on her face as she runs the water over his hair making sure to get it good and soaked before adding shampoo and starting to massage it into his scalp slowly, really getting it in there good.

"Did you just disinvite me from a date, James?" she asks with a laugh. "I don't think I've ever had a man turn down a date with me before."

Well, that was a good thing because most of them had been marks anyways.

"Steve and I are friends. I have tried to set him up on many dates over the years. Most people assume it's me and Clint even though he's got a wife," she admits with a frown. That was always did bother her. Men and women can be good friends even when they work together well like that.

And she loves Laura just like family as well.

"No! I didn't disinvite you! I...look, can we just...I'm in a hole here, Natasha, and I need a shovel. So if you can help me with that and let me regain some dignity, that'd be great. Otherwise I'm going to drown myself in this sink."

Bucky doesn't think it's possible to do that but he's always been interested in accomplishing the impossible. He just doesn't want to do that with an audience around.

Her hands in his hair feel good so he just focuses on that and keeping his eyes completely shut so he can't see whatever look she has on her face. A smile? A smirk? Something in between? He's not sure with her because her trade is being anything for anyone even if he's pretty sure she's just being herself right now.

"No waterboarding yourself, mister." She says fondly with a chuckle. He can hear the affection on her voice with that. He fingers continue to really suds up his hair. She's planning on doing a double cleanse to get him really good and clean, but it feels nice to really make sure that it's set right away this time.

She's not sure what makes her do it. It's instinct, probably because both her hands are tied up in his hair. She leans down and gives his shoulder a kiss through the t-shirt. Dread hits her stomach after she does, she hadn't been thinking and shit, maybe that was a step too far.

"Seriously, when you're ready for New York we will go on a proper date. Until then, you just relax and get better. God knows it was hard enough for me to get over the nightmares."

"Um, yeah, sure. I can show you all the...well, you know them better than me now, I guess. All the stuff I knew is probably torn down by now."

He's a little flustered and confused about the kiss but he also doesn't want to bring it up in case it's just a pity kiss because it was in a strange place and he thinks a romantic kiss would be on his mouth or his cheek or something. Bucky thinks he's overthinking it. Instead, he addresses the one thing he does know about.

"They use Widows hard," he says absently. "Train for years to have no emotions, no politics, no feelings. Perfect ballerinas that get smashed to bits when they're not useful anymore."

"How else am I going to hear about the allies that Steve Rogers got beat up in hm? Come on, you've gotta give me some more ammo at the man," she laughs and then starts to rinse his hair making sure all the shampoo is out before starting all over again to double cleanse.

"Really though, I don't think that it's very different. They don't exactly tear down all those buildings to rebuild them or anything. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised in some ways," she says softly her voice goes a little lower once they get to the widow comments however.

"Aged out, not pretty enough to do the things they want you to do. Broken to bits and discarded, like a doll they're done playing with."

"As if aging is something bad. I remember...it must have been a dream or something. I only know things about Black Widows that I've heard offhand. I don't know anything about them. Just the prettiest Russian dolls, that's all. Malishka, but that's not a doll. Sometimes I get my memories mixed up with my dossier. It's confusing."

He knows Russian and knows it fluently but there's something about dolls that sticks with him and he's not sure why. There's something there but maybe it isn't something to examine with Natasha right here.

"Don't think you aged out, though. They say you defected. Good for you. You'd have to be fifty or sixty before you could age out."

"You flatter a girl, Barnes. You're correct in that I defected, but I don't think I would have lasted that long before they cleaned me up. It's all about asset control, you know that." she says reaching to rinse his hair again now that it's double cleansed and then move on to part three, the conditioner.

"I might not have the answers for everything, but Russian stuff, I might be able to answer. You can ask me any question you might want, about anything that's in your memories okay?" she says that and once again nerves pile up on the inside. What does he remember? What might he ask, not right not but someday down the line even. Is she prepared to answer those questions?

She's not sure. But she owes it to her Soldier that she once loved even though neither of them knew who he was then.

"Well, I'm not going to lie and say you aren't gorgeous because we both know that isn't true," Bucky says. Her hands in his hair feel so nice and he doesn't know if he can rope her into another one of these salon treatments but he almost wishes that he could. It would be nice to have this every once in a while.

"I used to be something, you know. That was before...everything. Now I don't have anything together and I only have one arm so I'm not exactly the catch I used to be. Did you know, I used to be able to get women to actually date me until Steve took that serum? I became invisible after that. Nobody wants the normal looking guy when they can have Captain America."

There's no sarcasm in his tone, only wistfulness, because those had been good days even if there was a war on.

"Probably a good thing they made me a sniper. Didn't have to stand next to Captain Perfect when I was on my belly in the trees."

Once she gets the conditioner though his ends she pauses, as it's time to let it sink in. Of course that coincides with the awkward part of the conversation, with the first man she ever loved was sitting in front of her complaining that one found him attractive. He doesn't even seem to remember being around Widows at all so it's not like she can tell him that they all used to talk about the handsome American who came to train them sometimes.

Of course, that man she love wasn't even all of him. Maybe some parts though. She's not sure, she sees hints of it in his eyes or his smile, or the way he talks sometimes. It's tough to be sure without more time with him though.

"So you're going to want to let the conditioner soak in for a few minutes each time before you rinse, it will help it work better," she explains.

"Anyways, I was never into blondes so I'm not really sure about the first point. You were a sniper though right? Any woman worth her weight in salt would prefer a sniper to a font linesman. Rough and pushy isn't what makes a man good in bed, patience, and the ability to always hit the target though..."

She's not actually trying to flirt with him, just cheer him up a little bit, which makes her surprised that the sexual innuendo is coming out this early but it's there. She wants James to not sound sad.

"I wouldn't know, I haven't had sex since the forties," Bucky says. It's an awkward conversation and he wishes he wasn't in it. Well, correction, he wishes the old him was in it because he'd be suave and know what to say. The man he is now has no idea what to do with it but he cracks his eyes open a little bit.

"Nobody ever complained, though," he adds. "So I guess that means I did well enough."

The women he was with always seemed to enjoy themselves and he thought about making sure that happened whenever he took someone home and he guesses that's what's good for both people. He thinks it's only good if both people enjoy it.

"Do you flirt with everyone you know or is it just me? Because nobody else uses my first name, either."

She huffs out a laugh at the comments. It's a combination of them all that get her though and it's the last one that she follows.

"I flirt with lots of people, it's part of being a Widow. But I'd first with James Barnes even if I wasn't. You're handsome James, and once you spend some time getting your memories sorted out I think you'll see that too."

There's an odd bit of confidence there. If he were to ever remember her, he'd at least know that she does find him handsome. Also then he'd remember he's had sex with at least one person since the forties. With his eyes open she has the urge to climb into his lap and kiss his lips and tell him everything will be okay, but that would just create far more problems then they currently have.

She never knew how to calm him with words, it was always touches when he was having a bad day, or his head was bothering him. She'll have to try her best though.

"It's not the handsome part I'm so worried about. It's all the mess in my head," Bucky clarifies. "And I know you just said when I get my memories sorted out I'll see that but right now that seems pretty impossible. Everything is so scattered around that I don't remember things that happened between 1945 and 2014, give or take."

Bucky bites his lip at looks at Natasha, looks at the fondness in her face. She has more confidence in him than he has in himself and while it's strange (don't they barely know each other and most of it is trying to kill her?) it's welcome. He likes feeling as if he's wanted for the person he is now and not the person he used to be.

"So is my hair gonna be soft and pretty when you're done with it?"

"Shuri just got the programing out, give it time James," she says softly before she starts to rinse the conditioner out of his hair making sure to get it all so there's no oily build up left behind.

"I know what it's like to have my mind messed with too, you know." She reminds him incase that part of the file is missing in his brain. Sure, it hadn't been to the extent of it all that Hydra had done. The Red Room was more careful with it's operatives, it's one of the reasons he'd started developing a personality there anyways, too many erasures made them unstable. When they'd been caught though, she'd dealt with it too.

"Yes, it's gonna be nice. Now we just got to let it dry."

"I know, I'm just in a hurry to remember everything," Bucky says. "Because I need to know what I did and who I was before I can start moving on from it. I need...I don't know. I just need to know."

Natasha seems to be the only person who understands what it's like to have been used, though, and it's nice to talk with someone who gets it. No one else does because no one else has been through anything like this in their life.

"Am I the first guy to be a customer of the Romanoff Salon?"

"You're nosy about other men, James..." She says with a chuckle, bringing the towel to his head to towel dry his hair. There's something warm that crawls inside her, clawing at her stomach at the idea that he might be jealous of other men's attention.

"You can't force the memories, but we can drink beers and watch Bond movies, and I only do that with my favorite men," She tells him fondly with a grin.

“Well, I can accept being a favorite man who can watch Bond movies with you,” Bucky says. He hasn’t watched anything like that since being here and it’ll be an activity he shares only with Natasha. Something inside him really likes that and he feels a warmth in the pit of his stomach that he probably shouldn’t feel.

“The hair washing thing was nice,” he says. “I didn’t realize how nice it would be until you did it but now I kinda think I want to ask for it again sometime. Not too soon, though. I don’t want to be annoying about it.”

"You're right, too often would be annoying." She says rubbing the towel over his head before letting it go to let him deal with it himself. She figures it can air dry, and that he can brush his own hair because now that it's nicely conditioned it should really only take one hand to keep up with it in an okay way.

She shoots him a sideways glance before going over to flop onto his couch. "Do you know how to work this fancy TV of yours here or is that something that they haven't gotten to teach you yet, old man?"

"I've figured it out," Bucky says. He decides he's just going to leave his hair alone for the time being and whatever it does, it does. He thinks it'll probably curl up a little because it does that at this length (and explains the cowlick he'd always had when he had short hair) and then brush it later if it needs it.

He chooses to sit down next to Natasha on the couch instead but he doesn't grab the remote or anything. "But if you want to teach me technology for old people, I don't mind taking a lesson. It's always good to be learning something and I can use the practice."

She laughs at the idea of teaching him technology for old people and settles on the couch shaking her head. "Absolutely not, I did my work at the salon thanks. Now you get to pay me back by dealing with the TV and brining me beers whenever I need a new one."

She says it like it's not a suggestion, because it's not for her. She's perfectly content to make herself at home on his couch and even stretches out over two thirds of it, leaving a small amount for Bucky to join her.

"You didn't think I provide services for free, did you James?"

"I see how it is. Unfortunately, I have no beer for you because I didn't know you were coming and Steve doesn't drink."

Sam does and when he comes to visit, he and Bucky drink a few, but Steve doesn't touch alcohol unless he's sad and he hasn't been that kind of sad in front of him since the 40s. He'd heard that Peggy died, though, and he knows that probably tore him up inside; they never talked about it.

"I can make you more tea and find you a movie, though, but I need more space than that or you're going to be in my lap."

She doesn't make an effort to move and just shakes her head giving him a smile anyways.

"I washed your hair, and you have no beer for me, the least you can do is let me use you as a foot rest?" She says lifting her feet up to make room for him, making it evident she plans on flopping them into Bucky's lap.

"Next time you can make sure we have vodka though," She has to catch herself when she almost says you always did like vodka and bites her tongue shaking her head like she almost made a mess. "I have a much higher tolerance then Sam you know," she adds quickly to try to play it off.

"I'll have vodka next time. Actually, we should have gin," Bucky says. "If we're really going to watch Bond movies, we need real martinis and real martinis mean gin. Can you believe I woke up after being a mass-murdering popsicle for decades only to find out that they make martinis with vodka now? I had to specify gin the one time I ordered one."

It's still incredulous to him but he guesses the world really has changed. He settles Natasha's feet in his lap and then turns to the television to find something.

"All right, we've got all the Bonds so what's your flavor? New or old?"

She settles her feet on his lap and grin when he brings that up. She wants to make a comment at mass-murdering popsicle but she figures that letting him be a little self depricating should be allowed and she'll let it slide.

"What bars in Wakanda have you been going out to, sir?" she add with a laugh.

"Honestly, you can probably blame bond for that somehow. Who the hell shakes a martini all you get is watered down liquid," her face curls up reaction to that. She doesn't really care what movie it is so she shrugs.

"Dealers choice, surprise me."

"Right? Shaking a martini is absurd," Bucky says. "And there's a bar in the palace but they don't really drink a lot here. It's just not in the culture. I've been trying to learn about it since I've been here and there's lots of celebrations and stuff but definitely not like what we have in America."

Bucky chooses one of the older ones from the 60s with Sean Connery because that's closer to his own time than the recent ones and he thinks it will be more fun to watch that.

"Here you go. Dr. No. Terrible name, great movie."

She smiles over at him. The fact that he already knows what Bond he wants to watch, means he's been watching some. That is also another sign, just as she suspected that the man who was with her all those nights under the programing was this man right in front of her.

"Connery is the best bond anyways, so I approve of your suggestion." She glances around the couch to grab the blanket that was hanging off the back and pulls it over her lap and his to make them settle in like this is the most natural thing that they've done before.

Because they have, he just doesn't remember it. She goes quite during the movie, sometimes quoting big lines, and smiles one time when they quote one together.

It's cozy, sitting like this, and Bucky wonders what it might be like if it was with someone and it was real. He doesn't think he can be with anyone because he's too messed up inside and, besides, Natasha Romanoff can do a lot better than him but if he could have it, it would look a lot like this.

There's points in the movie where he focuses more on how close he is to Natasha and how comfortable and natural it feels to have her feet in his lap and the blanket thrown over them but, again, it's not a thing he can have so he shouldn't be wanting it.

"He has a new girl every movie. I guess that's the only spy-accurate thing, huh? Can't be with anyone when you have that kind of life. Nobody understands you enough."

She thinks about that, how it all might work when he says that.

"I think there was a movie called Mr. and Mrs. Smith with some spies who ended up with targets on each other, and then went from shooting at each other to fucking, it was kind of hot," she says with a pause glancing over at him when he brings it up.

"So I suppose if you were to work together, you could really have that too. You just have to get a much more capable girlfriend then some of these bond girls," she said it like she meant the royal 'you' but she may have been leaving the suggestion of it for the future in James head. She couldn't help herself.

"I'm sure they'll put me back in the field," Bucky says. "So maybe there's a beautiful, single spy who will put up with my ass and I'll have someone who finally understands me."

It's not meant to be serious because honestly, could that person even exist? His experiences in life are so singular that he doesn't think anyone could truly know him anymore. He remembers wanting to settle down with a nice girl eventually but he doesn't think a nice girl would understand anything about him.

"I hurt you, yeah? Shot you twice and all? My programming told me to clean up everything. Why wouldn't I have killed you either time? It's weird, don't you think?"

She was going to start making a smart-assed remark about the first comment but the heavier one comes in. She had been wondering when this would come up, but she wasn't expecting it quite so soon.

She sighs and reaches to grab the remote and pause the credits, they could find something later and the sound was distracting. She moves off the couch and sits on the coffee table right in front of him and reaches out to touch his cheeks head leading to the side.

"Think about it James, why would you have gone against your programing to leave me alive?"

Her voice is soft, guiding, she's not going to just give him the answer but she's here to help coax it out of him.

Bucky frowns, trying to work it out. He's also trying to work out why Natasha is touching him and both are equally confusing. He's at least used to gaps in his memory; he's not used to a beautiful woman touching him like they've been dating for years and not mostly strangers.

"I don't know," he says finally. "It just doesn't make sense. I remember killing innocent bystanders for less than I shot you for. It was all programming. I couldn't make choices then but those shots weren't accidents. It was purposeful."

He meets her eyes with his and frowns still, though it's more thoughtful than anything else.

"You like to touch me - you keep doing it."

She doesn't really realize how much she's touching him until he points it out. Her hands drop from his cheeks and she shakes her head looking down into her lap.

"Sorry, I just thought, it might help you put some of your stuff together in your brain."

She stands up from the coffee table and goes to pick up her empty tea mug heading over to the sink to fill it with water as she gives him a moment before coming back into the room keeping further distance this time as she ads.

"The only time I ever disobeyed a direct order on a mission was when I thought I knew better then the person giving the orders."

"They let you think, though. They didn't afford me the luxury of that," Bucky says softly. Natasha has stopped touching him and he feels bad for pointing it out, especially since she'd said she was doing it to try and help him remember things easier. She's trying to help and he rejected it so he reaches his hand over toward her.

"I'll put it down with weird shit I don't understand about myself, I guess," he says. "And you didn't have to stop touching me. I...well, I like it, but I don't want you to think there's some kind of mixed signals or that I'm expecting anything because you're being kind. I'm just trying to figure myself out and it's taking longer than I wanted."

She doesn't come closer this time. She keeps her distance, looking at him inquisitively as she takes a drink of the cold water letting it calm her nerves. She'd been just trying to give him some touch, for healing, and it probably would have been the level she'd touch anyone she tried to make feel better.

But it was clearly setting off some sort of feelings inside him that he didn't understand with the things he was saying.

"That you remember. Surely, there must have been something there from earlier, prior wipes, that made you think it was a good idea to go against an order," she tells him leaning up against the wall just looking at him like she had all the time in the world but that she wasn't going to answer everything for him.

"I guess. They wiped me a lot," Bucky says. "I remember a lot of things from before the fall but the things I remember when I was under the programming are just...some of them are clear memories of missions and other ones are hazy instead. I want to remember everything, you know? I want to know everything that happened - even if it's all bad."

"I remember being in Siberia. I was there for a long time because that's where they made me learn all the things I know about weapons and languages and combat. I remember red on snow but I don't think it's blood. No idea what it could be, though. Maybe a symbol or a scarf or something. It's something I'll have to write in my book."

He's been keeping a diary with these memories so he doesn't forget any of them.

"That sounds like a good idea, writing it down," She encourages him before setting the cup down on the table. She approaches him once more and smiles softly.

"It's getting late James, I'll leave you to your thoughts, yes? Let you write down what you can remember about Sibera and some of the earlier wipes, and I'll drop back by tomorrow if you want. I don't have anywhere to be for the next couple days?"

It's an offer she says as she glances down at him with a sad smile, like she wishes she could give him a hug or something but instead she just offers him a hand as if to help him up off the couch.

"Yeah, absolutely. Please come back? I don't want to run you off," he says. "And definitely not because I decided to get melancholy and weird about not remembering things. I had fun today and it feels strange to put all those words together in a sentence referring to me."

He liked being with Natasha even if getting his hair washed isn't a typical thing he has done for him. He wonders how often you're supposed to wash your hair - he used to wash it every day when it was short.

"Maybe you can do my hair again?"

She wants to give his shoulder a pat and tell him anytime. But the frown he'd given her when he said she liked to touch him still stung, in a way she wasn't quite prepared for. That was a weird, new feeling that she was going to have to process on her own time.

"Sure, I'll come back by tomorrow," She promises him giving him half a smile. "You didn't make things weird," she adds, okay so that's an exaggeration but she doesn't want him to think that he did fully.

"It just sounds like you could use some time to think about stuff without me being here making it awkward." It's an excuse really as she slips out the door giving him a wave.

"Good night, James." she tells him in Russian on the way out.

"And you, vixen.

What the fuck? Bucky has no idea where that came from and while he knows why he can speak Russian and fluently (it had been his operating language for the entire time he was the soldier) he has no idea why he'd be pet-naming Natasha in it. He barely knows her, really.

"God, I don't know where that came from. Maybe I mixed up...anyway, love to see you tomorrow."

She hasn't heard him call her that in years, so it comes as a bit of a shock, but she hides it on her face with a smile as she heads back to her hotel. She needs the time alone to spend and process that.

The next day she heads over to see him just before lunch, with a basket of food that she'd gotten at the suggestion of Shuri of some local favorites and heads to visit him figuring they can eat lunch together. That's a normal activity to do with your ex-boyfriend who doesn't remember you right?

This time she's dressed more casual, a pair of jeans, and a t-shirt that's a couple sizes too big, hair pulled back in a ponytail, looking extremely casual because she wasn't sure if they'd eat outside or whatever and goes and knocks on his hut.

Wakanda can get hot and there is a rainy season but it's neither of those things today so when Natasha knocks at the door, Bucky is more than happy to join her outside to eat instead of cooping up inside and depriving them of the beautiful skies. Maybe he's not the happiest guy but he can appreciate a good view.

"You got educated on local cuisine," Bucky says, giving her a grin. "Gotta appreciate a woman who brings me good food. I have to eat like three elephants to maintain this metabolism."

For some reason, he feels like Natasha knows that. Well, she's been around Steve...

Bucky gets a blanket to spread out on the ground in front of the hut so they have somewhere to sit and spreads it out as best he can with just one arm; he's getting the new one soon, at least.

"Shuri says she almost has my new arm done. Then I'll have to wash my own hair."

"Food always makes things better, James. How are you feeling?" she asks as she starts to take the food out and make him a plate of lots of delicious local foods and fruits handing it over to him before taking another and making herself one just as large as him.

"I always used to love getting to go out on missions during my time in the Red Room, you always got to eat real food instead of the junk that was some sort of bullshit premade perfect nutrient balanced bars that tasted like cardboard."

She explains like she's justifying all the food she's taking. Truth is, she's just really hungry.

"I'm okay. Conflicted, somehow," he admits. He doesn't know why it's easier to talk about the state of his emotions with Natasha than anyone else but it seems to just roll out naturally with her in a way that it doesn't with anyone else. Everyone else, he keeps it closed up tight but not with Natasha. He doesn't feel like ice with her.

"I had dreams but they were all in Russian," he explains. "But they were just confusing dreams, not mission dreams. It was almost like there was someone with me just off-screen and I wasn't upset or being hurt. I was content, for lack of a better word. I didn't think I did any face work as the Winter Soldier, though. I was just an assassin. I didn't see anything in my file about infiltration or cover work."

She listens to him eating but watching him talk. She wants to give him all the space he needs, if he asks her questions, she'll answer them but she doesn't wanna solve things for him when he's wondering. It feels like it's forcing too much into his brain or forcing things.

The dreams of past memories though, that's she sure. She takes a bite of a piece of fruit and look at him like she's considering it for a moment. So she's playing this a bit more as a role, but it's to protect him, that's what she tells herself even if it's also to protect her.

"If you were ever an asset for someone other then hydra, they wouldn't have all your working details. The other group might have tried to keep it away from them, say, if you were a rental or something. Are there any breaks in your files that don't seem like cryo time?"

"I'm sure I was loaned out. I was used for...other things sometimes. Things HYDRA wouldn't need me for but that I remember all the same. They're nothing I want to talk about with anyone, though. They're even more horrible than having to kill people."

Still, the dreams about being content but still clearly under confuse him and he wants to know who the person with him was and how he could find them. Could they fill in the blanks?

"This person, though, they weren't doing any of that. As much as it confused me, I was content with this person. We spoke in Russian but they were kind. It doesn't fit with what I know."

"You don't have to talk about it, I wasn't trying to push you on it..." she says eating some more food so that she can distract herself. She doesn't want him to think she's being pushy, its tricky trying to help someone and not come across like you're trying to dig into their brain.

There is a pause before she looks up at him with a smirk.

"Don't tell me you're surprised by the idea of a kind Russian, James. This isn't the cold war." It's a joke, because she has to say one otherwise she's going to want to yell at him that 'it's me you dumbass' which won't get them anywhere.

"No, I'm aware that there are a wide variety of cultures and ethnicities within the former USSR and satellite states and hospitality is often a treasured tradition among them," Bucky says, meeting her joke with a more laconic one. If they had to pack his brain full of knowledge about any and everything, he's going to use it for his own purposes as much as he can - even if it's for a joke.

"Kindness from a Russian is not negated by my experience at the hands of other Russian nationals. I'm just having trouble reconciling a period of time when they would have let the soldat off his leash to have downtime with someone who seems...friendly. Kind. Loving, maybe. I never saw a face or heard a voice - it was muffled - but I got the sense it was a woman. Something to hunt down, I think."

"You think you'd want to find her?" she raises her eyebrows curiously like this is news to her. She really wants to scream at him even more now. To look at her, to listen to her voice and really see her. She was sure he could sometime even when he was looking right past her.

She sighs.

"I obviously don't know everything about everyone's mind control. But the Red Room liked to use it sparingly, they believed that erasing people could create instability, so it was always saved for the most top secret of things, or the worst of punishments."

"I'd want to find her, yeah. It seems like she gave me some calm and kindness when I didn't have any. I'd want to thank her for giving me that without getting anything back for it."

When she mentions how Widows didn't get mind wiped as much because of instability, Bucky gives a sharp nod.

"Any time I was too erratic, they wiped me. Sometimes it was multiple times a day because I would be stuck on something and they couldn't scrub it out. I remember one space of time that it felt like they were doing it over and over like trying to get blood off linens and they just...couldn't do it. I don't remember the memory but I remember them strapping me down and doing all those wipes over and over and over to blot it out into oblivion. Must have been something important to me."

"Hydra was full of idiots," she says in response to that. It's clear, obvious and strong that she's judging that. "The Red Room would have said that would make someone unstable, unable to fully follow orders, or get lost in their programing."

She explains for a moment before adding.

"You're welcome, James." It's not a direct response to the first comment of wanting to thank her, but after, like she was suggesting she knew better. He might not even connect it but she wanted to mention it.

Natasha has a high opinion of herself so when she says You're welcome, James he just takes it as a quip about how she'd figured out why there might be gaps in his time as the soldier. He doesn't take it badly because Natasha is awfully smart and damn good at reading people and dissecting tangled webs.

"Maybe I should have belonged to the Red Room instead. I'm not the beautiful ballerina they want, though. My dance is a lindy hop and I don't think I could get this body into an Écarté Derrière or À la Seconde. And before you ask, yes, I know a little about ballet. I've never done it but it seems to be packed in with random soldat knowledge. It's like an encyclopedia up there."

"Ah yes, Soldat, a fine lover of the dance," She says with a smirk like it's a joke. It isn't though, he used to love to watch her dance. The way she moved, when they'd sneak away on overnight missions they sometimes even danced together.

She looks down at her food and picks at it some more. It's frustrating, having this conversation and not being able to say anything. The way he acts she wants to smack him sometimes, tell him to see her. To just scream at him 'look at me, please' but it's something she'd never do.

"I don't mean to pry you know, but if you want help unraveling the threads..."

"You're the only one interested in doing it, honestly. Everyone else tiptoes around it like the bombs in my head are rigged to explode at any moment. Trust me, it's gonna be bad when they finally do but maybe we need to try and defuse them and not wait on the timer to count down to the inevitable."

Bucky chews on his lip for a moment before reaching for his glass and drinking a good third of it, thankful that it's just cool, clear water and nothing else because he doesn't think he could handle anything else right now.

"You're the only person who looks at me and sees me as what I am right now."

She gives him a smile when he says that because it takes a lot to say as she sits quietly with her thoughts. She takes another bite of fruit before reaching over to add more to her plate and his, she knows he's hungry and shouldn't have to think about all the food he needs to eat while he's thinking about everything else.

"So tell me, why do you think that is? That I see you for as you are?"

"Because you don't pretend like you know me," Bucky says. "Steve knows the person I was. Shuri and Sam know the person they want to see. You just look at me without expectations. You don't decide who I am before I open my mouth you just...I don't know. You just get it."

Bucky isn't sure why considering he knows her the least of everyone but maybe that's why it's easier with her.

"It's peaceful with you."

"Only those who truly know what it's like to go through the fight, can understand what the peace is..." she says softly in Russian. It's cryptic and confusing and she doesn't know what else to do or say. She reaches for her own glass of water and takes a drink before setting the food down and laying out on the blanket onto her back and just taking in the nice weather.

"You need to feel the cold of the winter to appreciate the sun, or maybe the heat of the sun to appreciate the cold."

"The star that always guides me home, Bucky says quietly in Russian. He doesn't know if they're quoting poetry or just speaking from the heart but it comes to him as easily as his next breath and he feels like he's said before - maybe several times before - and he wonders why he would have such a reason to express that sort of sentiment.

"I really want to know who that woman was," Bucky says. "You'll help me find her, won't you? The one who was so kind to me? Because I need to know who that is."

She's still looking up at the sky, not really concentrating on him when he asks her but she doesn't even turn to look. It's a good thing because the first line might have been enough to have an expression on her face when he said it if she had been. She lifts her arms to set behind her head like a pillow and just takes in the blue sky.

"When you're ready to find her, I will help you find her," she promises him. That's one she can keep, she's sure of it.

"I wish I knew what she looked like. It's just impressions and they're just not clear enough. Maybe I'll get that dream again and not one of the nightmares. I liked that dream."

It's confusing, yes, but the puzzle of that dream is something worth looking into while the nightmares aren't anything he wants to examine any time soon. He wants that feeling of peace that he had in the dream and wants to keep having these moments of peace in Wakanda. There's always a fight, though.

"Do you think I'll ever have a chance to stop fighting a war? Because I just want to stay here."

"The more you think about it the more you're probably likely to see it, at least for me, the longer I was away the more good dreams came. The nightmares never stop, but they come less often."

Her eyes are up in the clouds still but she can almost imagine what his face looks like when he says that.

"Come lay down with me, and enjoy the clouds. I think there's one that looks like the lion -- that is to say, you can stay here for as long as you want. If that's what you truly want."

"I don't think I've ever cloudwatched with someone before," Bucky says. It doesn't take much motivation to get him to do it, though and while he doesn't fold his arm behind his head the way that he would if he had two arms, he rests comfortably next to Natasha all the same.

"Did you know that I love the sky at night? It's so clear here in Wakanda. I can see all the stars here because there's no light pollution. I think about asking for a telescope but I don't want to ask them for anything more when I already ask them for so much."

"Who knows, maybe letting the slow things like clouds set in will let your brain rest a bit, it feels like you've been pushing it a long time, at least from what you're talking about," She says glancing over at him laying next to her. It was familiar and she cant help but give him a soft smile.

"I could bring you a telescope the next time I come to visit, if you'd like that?"

"You don't gotta buy me a gift, Natalia," Bucky says and then wonders why he translates her name into Russian and doesn't use Natasha. Natalia is more formal, if anything, and he wonders why he does it. Maybe it's because she calls him James? He's not sure. There's weird little things he does with her that don't make sense but feel as natural as breathing.

"But if you'd like to bring me one, I would get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Cloud-watching is slowly becoming appealing too, though."

It's easier to talk when he's focusing on the shapes the clouds pile into and start identifying them in his head as cirrus, cumulus, stratus.

"I'm sure I could probably expense it or something, so I don't even know if you could consider that a proper gift," She explains going quite for a little bit before she points up at a cloud passing by.

"That one kind of looks like a lion doesn't it? With the big puffy mane, do they have Lions here? Or is it just like a panther thing?" She asks curiously, figuring it's a less hot topic that can hopefully help him relax a little bit more.

"There are lions but this is slightly on the edge of their range. Lions prefer savanna type habitats and Wakanda isn't exactly that. Plenty of panthers and other large cats here, though, and several species endemic to Wakanda alone due to genetic isolation."

He's doing it again, sounding like a textbook, and he wonders why the soldier makes him do that. Why would the soldier retain things like that? He keeps looking at the sky though because it's easier to talk than if he's looking directly at her.

"It feels good when you touch me and that's selfish of me to want it."

"Do you like it?" She asks curiously, that was as surprise to her. "You frowned when you brought up me doing it, I thought you didn't like it."

She explains, it almost makes her blush, how much she had misread that. She's a spy and confident in her ability to read people, but the version of him she knew was interfering with her ability to read him straight as the person he was now, and he'd made that mistake.

She untucks her hands from her arm so she can slide over closer to him and take his hand in hers giving it a squeeze.

"I don't think it's selfish."

"I was confused as to why you'd wanna touch me when there's a lot of other guys out there worth touching. It didn't mean I didn't like it," Bucky clarifies.

He likes that she's holding his hand and he doesn't let go of it. Instead, he squeezes hers back and keeps looking at the sky.

"Sometimes I frown when I'm thinking about something. It doesn't mean I'm upset. It's just...a thing my face does."

She squeezes it right back. It's reassuring, that he likes that. She's not sure what she would really do if he had actually hated it and not been overwhelmed so she just chuckles at that.

"The serious Soldat must never look like he enjoys anything or anyone..." she says off hand. She's not really sure why she keeps changing to Russian other then it seems to be jogging his memory and hopefully that can really help with it. She doesn't want to push anything too much, but allowing the water to slowly flow through the cracks seems like the right way.

She makes a point not to entertain the comment about the other men. It would just make things awkward to say the truth, that even if she didn't like him, she wasn't only allowed to touch people who she wanted to jump into bed with. It might just confuse him even more.

"Winter Soldier must be immune to pleas of mercy and unable to deviate from mission orders," Bucky says absently in return. He must have been told it a thousand times or more and it's stamped in his brain as much as those horrible words are. Even hearing those words in other languages is enough to make him go cold but Russian is the worst. Weirdly, though, speaking Russian with Natasha does not upset him. He squeezes her hand again.

"Machine more than man. Extension of the weapon he holds. Tactical, brilliant, unfeeling."

The words just keep coming and while he isn't...upset exactly he wonders why he's remembering them now of all times and places. Maybe Natasha just makes him feel more comfortable than anyone else. She certainly doesn't push at him as hard as other people do.

She squeezes his hand back in reassurance. It's okay to say those things, even if they make her stomach churn with nerves. It had been very clear how horrible hydra had been in the last few years. It had been different in the Red Room, like he was more human, it's no wonder he had such a hard time imagining any humanity at all for him.

"The Winter Soldier is the best trained operative we have ever seen, you can learn lots from studying him, girls." She says in a voice that sounds like she's doing an impression of an older woman.

"Wait. Hold on. I remember that."

It isn't the same voice because it's pitched like Natasha's impersonating someone and she's not saying it herself but the words make sense. Everything makes sense that someone said that about him and that he was in the room when it was said. The room is fuzzy, though, and he can't tell who was there other than, clearly, a bunch of women.

"Who would study me? They used to test poisons on me and things like that - loan me out to labs or to other countries to test chemical weapons but that didn't sound like this. This sounds like I was teaching something or demonstrating something. Where would I do that? Who would I even do it for? I was a solo operative."

She keeps a hold of his hand but moves to sit up so she can look at him. She bites the bottom of her lips. Was this as rhetorical question that he was trying to talk through himself or should she answer him. She decides to go for something that's in the middle cocking her head to the side a little bit as she looks at him.

"People who they wanted to become great assassins?" She offers in return. She knows that is the answer but she cants her voice a little bit at the end to still indicate the question in return.

"If you were the best they'd want others to learn from you."

"Yeah, I guess," Bucky says. "Maybe...God, I can't even think of anyone who would be sketchy enough to use the Winter Soldier except the Red Room but I don't know anything about the Red Room and this had to have been before you would even have been born. I was more stable before I got wiped so many times so I assume it would have been earlier along."

Still, he can't shake the feeling that he knows the people in that room, knows them well, just like he knew the woman in his dream. It's a lot to go through, these thoughts, and he doesn't know where up or down is to navigate himself.

"We'd have to get their records and I'm sure the Red Room isn't exactly on the internet in a document dump. I know a lot of HYDRA stuff got dumped after the Triskelion fell but...as far as I know, the Red Room would still be active and has always been separate. Do you even still know anywhere we'd start to even look?"

"I brought down the Red Room by killing Dreykov, it was part of the conditions of my defection to SHIELD, Clint and I did it..." she says thinking about it. She doesn't know yet that it didn't work, that the Red Room is working right now. Controlling girls right now using a program that her mother derived from the Winter Soldier program.

"When you're feeling up to it we can go to Russia and see what we can find, I'd go with you, if it's something you really want to know details about. If you don't want to remember, that's okay too."

She adds the last bit trying to add clarification to herself incase he ever asks her anything directly.

"I need my head straight first. I can't do anything with one arm and my thoughts all mixed up. I need to be in good physical condition again and capable of handling a fight if I need to. It's not something I could run off and do right now."

Bucky gives her a look that's more determined than anything else.

"But when that time comes, I think you need to be there. You know more about this stuff than anyone else. You were in there. You know how they work. No one else has that advantage and tactically it's smart to go in with knowledgeable backup. I'd be comfortable with you covering me."

"What, you don't think Sam and Steve's loud burst in and punch things first ask questions later style of playing Rambo is the way to go on this one?" she teases him softly and before dropping his hand.

"I'll go with you but let's get one thing straight," she says.

She reaches down to brush some hair out of his face and gives him a wicked grin.

"The Black Widow is no ones back up. We can be partners though."

"Yeah, I'd like to not cause international incidents that I'm actually responsible for and those two are a good way to start one," Bucky says dryly. He doesn't think Steve or Sam are the guys to go on this mission with him. They'll want to burst in with proverbial guns blazing and use brute force and Bucky thinks this calls for more subterfuge, subterfuge that he and Natasha are far more capable of accomplishing.

When she brushes his hair out of his face, he can't help the slow smile that blooms but he snorts when she says she's no one's backup but they can be partners. He rolls his eyes playfully.

"Oh, well, partners of course. I just always think of myself alone. If you wanna be side by side, though, I don't think I'm gonna complain one bit. You're good at what you do and I don't need to comb through your records to know that. You just have that...sway to you. That confidence. You don't have to fake it. You can't fake it."

"You're going to find out that the twenty-first century term for that is big dick energy," She says with a grin and fluffs his hair playfully before removing her hand from his hair.

"And yes, I absolutely do, because I am the best at what I do," She reassures him. What exactly does she do? Honestly it's gotten more and more complicated over the years since the Avengers official formed and it wasn't just a SHIELD thing anymore, but hopefully he wouldn't ask that question.

"Just because you think of yourself as always alone though, doesn't mean that you are. I'm sure if you work on that a little more you'll find memories of loved ones."

"I don't know if I'm comfortable with anyone saying I have big dick energy if they haven't seen my dick," Bucky says. "Of course, that would require me acting like it, so I guess it might never be an issue for me. But you, though. You couldn't be incompetent if you tried."

She fluffs his hair and he leans into it before she pulls her hand away. He suddenly wants her hand back as soon as she takes it away but he doesn't know if he's allowed to ask for things like that. Maybe she likes giving touch on her terms but asking for touch is something else.

"I like you being here. I know you can't stay because you have stuff to do but if you came back sometimes, I would really like that. This has been really nice."

"To be fair, you have no idea who all has seen your dick until you get your memories back," She challenges him. She doesn't even mean it in a romantic way, but just a general, army guys end up in weird naked situations in showers and crap together anyways so she waves a hand at him.

"Of course I'm coming back, with a telescope remember? I promised, and Natasha Romanoff does not break her promises to anyone."

"Probably a hundred people considering the war and HYDRA," Bucky says, sighing a little. "But I don't think any of those people were taking evaluations. Sure hope not, anyway. That would be...weird at best."

He's fine with the concept of big dick energy, though, because it seems to be more about confidence than what's actually in his pants and if someone thinks he's as confident and capable as Natasha, that's a good thing. He comes down on the side of it being a compliment if anyone says it to him.

"You still don't have to bring me a telescope, Natasha. I would love it but I don't need gifts from you. I just need you." Bucky frowns a little. "I mean, that came off really intense, I'm sorry. I just mean like, your company. I like you being around."

She's about to raddle of a 'Stop telling me what I can and can't do, James' when the words of need hit her like a freight train. He corrects his intensity of the statement but she still smiles over at him a little reassuringly.

"Don't worry, I didn't take that intensely at all..." she waves her hand. It's a boldfaced lie, but sometimes you've got do that. "However, stop telling me what I can and can bring you, you're getting all weird about it. I told you I was brining a telescope and so stop arguing with me Barnes, just say 'thank you Natasha' " she tells him with a smile.

Edited 2023-08-30 20:40 (UTC)

"Thank you, Natalia," he says in Russian and he doesn't know if he should have used that version of their name but they've been switching between Russian and English so easily that it feels natural to do it. When she says to stop being weird about her bringing him a gift he nods and just decides he'll have one for her, too, and then they'll be even. He just has to figure out what it'll be.

There's time between Natasha's next visit, though, time enough that he gets his new arm and there's enough leftover vibranium to make Natasha a pendant. Shuri laughs at it and accuses him of having a crush and he frowns at her and says it's just a present. Still, he puts it in a nice box and leaves it waiting for her for whenever she does come back and spends the time training with his new arm to get back into fighting form and to regain the weight and muscle that he'd lost.

The palace tells him he's going to have a visitor and that it's Natasha so he is happy about that, lighter on his feet than he's been for a while.

It's almost a month before Natasha's next trip to Wakanda. Steve and Sam had had a lot of free time and she didn't want to push into the rotation too hard and strike up any sort of suspicion or weird thoughts about anything. She wasn't worried about Steve so much, Steve thinks Bucky is the best friend in the world and thinks anyone would want to be friends with him. Sam though, that was her concern.

She is carrying a large fancy case that's very clearly holding a telescope when she heads out to meet him and sees how good he looks with the arm and the smile as she approaches him.

"Hey there handsome, got a whole new arm and lookin' good I see."

"Yeah, trying to get used to it." Bucky is trying to get used to a lot of things - chief among them being called "handsome" by Natasha. She seems to flirt so much as breathe, though, so he tries not to read anything into it and just enjoy her company.

He sees the case he assumes is the telescope and shakes his head.

"I told you that I didn't need presents but because I knew you'd bring me one, I got you one too. Bring that inside and let me get you something to drink, yeah?"

She holds the telescope out to him, letting him deal with it. It was surprisingly heavy and those super soldier genes should be good for something. She watches him as he takes it, her hand brushing his just the slightest it making her smile softly as she does. God, he is handsome.

"I told you I was gonna do it, now tell me you've got a beer. I know it's only noon but I'm on vacation and I could really use one..." she says with a smile as she follows him into his house.

"I did get beer," Bucky says, laughing. "Local brewed and everything. Of course, everything in Wakanda is locally sourced. It's the joy of being in an isolated country."

But a hell of a lot better than the former USSR was. Goods weren't so good there but here, here they're of the highest quality.

"Take a seat and I'll bring you one," Bucky says. He goes and gets two of the beers and palms the little box with the pendant in it to tuck in his pocket. Will he give it to her? He's not sure. For now, he hands Natasha a beer.

"You made good on your promise."

She takes the beer and reaches out to give him a cheers with it when he brings them back out.

"What are we toasting too James?" She asks taking a drink not waiting for him to actually announce it. Her mind is all over the place, but she hopes that the alcohol will help reel it in a little bit.

"I never fail a mission, besides I had a few favors to call in. It's supposed to be one of the best you can get at that size, so hopefully it will help you explore the Stars. Personally, I'm sick of them after that alien invasion of New York, but no reason that should stop you."

"My new arm and a telescope, I guess," Bucky says. He has the necklace burning a hole in his pocket but he doesn't know whether or not to give it to her right now. He takes a long pull on his beer instead to hide the nervousness.

"I had something made to give to you but it's kinda...I don't know. It's kinda personal. If you don't want to accept it, I understand. It might be too intense a gift."

Maybe that's not a good setup.

"You had something made? And you say I went out of my way..." she smiles at him though, because it sounds nice. He'd always been a gift giver, even when he didn't have anything he used to lift small things to bring back to her from missions when he could.

God he's just as sweet as she remembers.

"Why wouldn't I accept a gift, gifts are nice. People like gifts, James."

"Well, it's kind of an intimate gift," Bucky says, pulling out the box and handing it to her. It's just a pendant but that pendant is made of the same gold-threaded vibranium as his new arm and that's very, very intimate. It's a tie between them that she might not want or be comfortable with.

"I thought maybe you'd like it or think it was pretty," he says softly. "And it's basically indestructible."

God, he hopes she accepts it.

He says that and she goes quite and take the box and opens it with a smile. She glances up at him with a playful grin.

"Intimate? This isn't a sex toy..." she tease and leans over to push on his shoulder of his new arm playfully, clearly noticing how much they match. She takes it out of the box and puts it over her head so she's wearing it.

"How does it look?"

"It looks nice," Bucky says. He's at a loss for words, honestly, and she had brought up sex toys and thrown him for a loop even if it was just a joke. He touches the little pendant piece.

"Maybe it's like you have a little extra protection, yeah? I didn't really think it through when I asked them to make it. I just wanted you to have it."

"Yes, if a stray bullet happens to go right there I'll be set..." she teases him and reaches up to take his hand and give it a squeeze before she tugs him in for a hug arms wrapping around his shoulders to give him a squeeze.

"Seriously though, James, I love it. I never get myself jewelry and I always think I could use another necklace to wear." She really does appreciate it, she'd been wearing the same on since she got out of the red room most days when a mission didn't require something similar. She was sure she'd be wearing this one a lot too.

She lets him go an gives him a reassuring smile. "It's like I got a little piece of you with me."

"Yeah, I guess. I wasn't making claims or anything. I just thought you'd think it was pretty."

Bucky feels like he's tripping all over his feet with her as usual but at least she seems interested and pleased by the gift and not offended. Not that Natasha is ever offended by him.

"I don't...want you to think I'm coming onto you or something."

She looks at him cocking her head to the side in consideration taking in both things he said and trying to process exactly what he was feeling without being able to actually get inside his head. This was something that was new and different that she was trying to adjust to.

Her Soldat had always been more confident, comfortable around her. James isn't, and it's not bad, she just doesn't know what's pushing him too much.

She gives his metal arm a squeeze. "I do think it's really pretty, and I also think you're really pretty too. So, I wouldn't mind if you were, even though I completely understand that you're not, because you just said so."

Bucky swallows thickly and tries to decide how he feels about her calling him pretty and not minding if he thought she was. He just doesn't know what to do with his feelings about her and surrounding her and he doesn't want to mess up because he has half a brain and half a body and half of well...everything.

"It's not that I'm uncomfortable if you think I'm attractive," Bucky says after a moment. That, he knows is true. No one could think that, he thinks, and he definitely doesn't.

"It's more that I know I wouldn't be a good partner to anyone and when you tell me that I'm attractive, sometimes I think about what it might be like if I could be with you and that's not something I should be thinking about. I really couldn't be as good to you as someone else could. There's better than me, you know?"

She is trying her best to read him. She's pretty sure he's got a crush on her by the way she says it, but it seems wrong to just function on that and ignore his words alone, especially when navigating something new like this. She's holding all the cards, has all the information, and he's flying blind.

She squeezes his new arm watching his blue eyes as carefully as she can. Trying to get more of a read when she asks the question.

"Regardless of if you think you're good enough for me, James. Do you like it that I like you like that?" It's a simple question, trying to get to the root of the situation.

"Well, yeah," Bucky says. It comes out automatically because who wouldn't want Natasha Romanoff interested in them? He thinks you'd have to be flatlined to not want attention from her and he's far from that. Instead, his heart is flying faster than it should even be able to with the serum and he's really glad she's squeezing his left arm because if she squeezed his right, he might be trembling.

"I'm a man, Natasha, and I'm not a blind one. I just don't think...I don't have my shit together, you know? I can't even take attention from a woman without getting panicky about it and that's not how a man is supposed to react. If I was the old me, I would already have made my move and we'd be together. Now I'm scared to do it because I desperately want to be enough."

She's said she likes him as he is but being patient now and being patient later are two different things. He doesn't know how long it's going to take for him to get anywhere close to secure in himself to be able to be supportive of someone else the way you should be in a relationship.

"I don't think I could take it if you hurt me."

Her hand slides down his arm to take his fingers of his new metal arm, it feels different then the one she's used to, but still familiar. The only man she'd ever held hands with who had a metal hand, so that is a whole thing.

"Well how about you stop worrying about that then. We don't have to be together, or anything. We can just be here together and that's enough." She squeezes that hand trying to be reassuring.

"Nothing to fuck up, no expectations, just us, enjoying our time in Wakanda. And if you ever decide you're ready and you want to leave, I will let you take me on a proper date and we can give things a try."

"I still question your taste in men," Bucky says, laughing nervously. He knows he isn't who he used to be and he doesn't think he can ever be that cocky, suave man again but maybe one day he won't be the eggshell that he is right now. He feels like kintsugi, a fractured vase pieced back together with vibranium in the cracks, and he doesn't know if it's all going to hold together because the delicate pieces are so weak between the strong ones.

"It's good that you keep coming back, though. It's nice to have someone who wants to spend time with me and not who I used to be or who they want me to be or someone they can poke at to get a laugh when I'm not quite ready to laugh yet. It's nice. It's better than nice, honestly."

Bucky wants to be able to say things more elegantly than he does but while his thoughts are eloquent, he can never seem to pluck the right words out when he's talking to her.

He's so soft, how can she even deal with how soft he is? She reaches up and gets a hand behind his neck and pulls him down so she can give his cheek a kiss trying to reassure him that it's exactly why she's here.

"James Barnes, is this is as far as our romance ever goes I am happy to call you a close friend who I am comfortable sticking my feet in his lap for foot massages during movie night," she says reassuringly.

She doesn't want to keep rehashing the same conversations with him about how others don't see him, because she's pretty sure it wont stick anyways. She's pretty sure it wont help either, and that they just need to exist more for him to get more comfortable.

"Speaking of, do you have a selection of movies curated yet?"

Bucky is a little stunned by the kiss and he doesn't have a chance to process it before Natasha asks him if he has a movie list curated. That, he did, because it was a task he could do to organize his mind and he nods in confirmation.

"I did make a list, yeah. I made a couple different lists of movies, actually. I didn't want to just settle on spy films so I thought if I made a couple other...collections we would have stuff for whatever mood we were in. It's probably overkill but once I got started, I couldn't stop."

That, at least, is very much the truth. He thinks for a moment about what she says regarding their romance not necessarily needing to go further than foot massages and movies and he thinks that this isn't what he wants. He doesn't know what he wants and how to get it but he knows he wants more than just a friendship.

She takes a drink of her beer watching him carefully when he starts to discuss the lists and cocks her head to the side.

"So are you going to show me the lists, or am I going to have to ask? Or is there perhaps a superior list that you've already decided that's the one we're marathoning?" She asks as she settles back away from him with a smile. Her fingers trailing idly in around the edges of the bottle as she continues to try to read him.

Something had set him off, was it the kiss or the suggestion that they could just be friends who cuddled, who knows, she's not quite sure yet but she's hoping to find out.

“Oh, I can show you the lists,” Bucky says. He’s made them in the same notebook he uses to record stray memories and these are neat lists in block letters of films in various genres. He hands the notebook over to Natasha and is a little nervous she might flip through it some more and see the other things he’s written down here and there.

“So I think it’s a solid start for us, yeah? I feel like I just must have always been methodical and organized because I don’t think this kind of thing just shows up out of nowhere.”

She takes the book and doesn't flip through it at all, instead just looks right at the list with the things jotted down on them and smiles at him.

"Honestly, I haven't seen a lot of these -- so I'm down for any of them. Except I wanted to ask, you aren't too board by just sitting around and watching movies with me when I come are you?" She says. She really enjoys the downtime they can spend together like that, not having to watch her back or be in danger, but she wants to make sure that she's not boring him to death either.

"Let's start with Casablanca. A classic."

"Yes, I'm bored going through film classics with a beautiful redhead next to me," Bucky deadpans. There's no way a person could be bored in Natasha's company and even if he was bored with her around, it's better to be bored beside her than be without her.

"Casablanca's a good one. Saw that one the night it came out, actually, me and Steve. It's magic. Can't be bored watching a movie like that."

When he says he saw the movie when it came out it doesn't surprise her-- he'd expected that was a hot date night ticket. It does surprise her though, when he mentions Steve and she gives him a stupid grin.

"Steve Rogers and not some hot date? I guess I had the wrong assumption about what you were like back in the day hm..."

She had always been convinced he'd been charming based on the way the soldier talked, his confidence. It didn't come from anywhere, so she'd just assumed he'd been one of those guys who went on all the dates and made out with all the women.

"Oh, well, I always went to see the good ones with Steve first," Bucky says, laughing softly. "Because when we went, we paid attention to the actual movie. I took the girls later after I already knew what happened so if I got distracted halfway through I didn't miss a good one."

It had just felt important to share those first viewings with Steve and not some girl who would hate him the next week and he'd always felt that way about it.

"Except the cartoons. I never took girls to see those. I just went to them with Steve because he liked the animation."

"When I was growing up in Ohio I used to love the cartoons. Except for the one with the moose and the squirrel...." she says with a laugh. Mostly because of Boris and Natasha and they were so funny.

She moves to get up and wraps her arm in his, holding him like that, a more casual way then holding hands and tugs him towards the hut with a smile.

"We can watch cartoons together some morning and eat milk and cereal and that will be like when I was a kid."

"Your childhood was different than mine," Bucky says, grinning at her. "My mother had me up doing chores, not watching cartoons and eating cereal. I grew up in the Depression and everyone worked no matter what that work was."

He squeezes her a little. "But I think watching cartoons with you some morning would be a hell of a lot of fun. We can recapture some of the magic, yeah?"

He thinks they both need reminders that there are good things in the world in spite of everything they've seen.

"I would imagine that it would be, seeing as how the most normal two years of my childhood were spent as a spy living in Ohio before I got sent the the Red Room to be trained a Widow," she says leaning into him a little bit as they walk.

"But those two years were pretty nice, I can't argue that it was probably more fun then depression living for those two years, but outside of that..." she says with a bit of a sigh. She hadn't gotten to be a kid, girls are just clay to be molded in the Red Room.

"I'm glad you got to have it," Bucky says. "Truly. Our lives were taken from us in different ways so any time we get something normal, it's something to cherish."

Bucky holds the door open for her even if it's something she can certainly do for herself and gives her a smile that's a little shy.

"I got beer and wine if you want something," Bucky says. "And I got popcorn."

She let's him hold the door open for her and gives him a nod. She doesn't need a man to take care of her, but she doesn't mind when they do things like that.

"Popcorn and another beer, and a food rub sound like heaven. I was undercover all last week in high heels and my feet are killing me James." She says as she makes her way over to make herself comfortable on his couch. She doesn't need the invitation anymore, she's just taking over like she owns the place.

Bucky laughs at that. Who would have thought that the Winter Soldier would be rubbing a Black Widow's feet? As silly as it sounds, it also sounds like the sort of domesticity that he's longed for and he wants to have that with Natasha even if it's occasional visits.

"Well, get comfortable and I'll make us snacks and get us drinks," Bucky says. It doesn't take long to do both, even if he's old fashioned and makes popcorn over the stove, and when it's done he settles on the couch beside her.

"I was promised feet in my lap? Take a beer and some popcorn while I get you comfy."

If only he knew it was something he'd done many times in the past before missions. She leans over the couch and watches him pop the popcorn idly, not in a rush to talk about anything but just enjoying the quite and being there. She takes the popcorn and the beer and slides her feet into his lap tugging the blanket over them.

"Was on mission undercover and the stupid heels were absolutely murder, I swear I'm getting to old for this James.."

Bucky laughs at that. "You should wear boots on missions like a normal person would. Heels are ridiculous. Why is it that I get to stomp around in something perfectly functional and you have to be sexy? That hardly seems fair."

Bucky rubs the arch of her foot with his right hand and tries to find all the points where she's holding tension. He's never worn high heels but he can imagine the physics of it.

"I think it makes you better than me, to do it all dressed up."

She melts back against the couch closing her eyes at the touch. It feels nice and breaks down some of the stress there in a way things haven't in a long time.

"Alas, I was in Madripoor and infiltrating a gentlemen's club, so I don't think combat boots would have gone over right with the crowd. It's a shame though, I'm sure that kink is somewhere but it wasn't that kind of joint.." she says opening her eyes and grinning at him.

"Did you ever got to any of those kind of places back in the day, I realize they were different but I know there were cabarets and such that were popular with the soldiers back then."

"Oh, I went to plenty of gin joints in my day," Bucky says, laughing. "But I've been to Madripoor too. More times than I want to admit. It was all for assignments and not for...pleasure but I surprisingly remember an awful lot about it. Sometimes I have really clear memories about things."

He starts the movie and lets it play for a bit before saying anything but he keeps touching her, hands massaging her foot and then up her calf where it might be cramped too from wearing heels for a long time.

"Mission successful, I'm guessing?"

"Oh yes, I got the information I needed..." she says contently answering and then watching the movie a little more. It goes on for almost an hour before she works up the nerve to untuck her feet from his hands. (Seriously? How does he give such good foot rubs for so long she wonders.)

She moves to slide over closer to him and lifts his metal arm so that she can curl up under that arm tucked against his side. Her feet tuck up side as she leans into him quietly not saying a single word, just making herself right at home.

Bucky isn't sure how Natasha can be so casual and suave about such a thing when he would be impossibly nervous about trying to make a move. Maybe it's a good thing that she's forward and he isn't. He likes the feel of her body against him, though.

"This was always a good one," Bucky says softly. "I think I saw it like ten times in the theater. It cost like a quarter back then but that was a lot of money."

God, he wants to kiss her, but he doesn't know how to do that.

If Natasha knew that Bucky thought she was smooth she'd be giggling, but instead she just lays her head on his metal shoulder and relaxes watching the movie.

"I've seen it a bunch too, but only on occasions when I'm feeling some nostalgia never so quickly together..." she says fondly. It's unclear what nostalgia she's talking about but there's something fond in her voice when she says it. She relaxes into it, melting against him like she has not a care or worry in the world.

Like all that matters is this man next to her, and the film that's on the TV that she quotes under her breath occasionally.

"Nostalgia for the 40s, huh? If you lived it, you might not be so nostalgic," Bucky teases. It's a light tease, though, and his heartbeat is coming fast when he turns his head a bit and presses his lips against her hair. It's barely a kiss by anyone's standards but it's as much as he can do without getting terrified about it.

"This is nice, you know. I like spending time with you like this, Natasha. I feel comfortable with you in a way I don't with anyone else."

"More nostalgia for the first time I watched it with someone I cared about," she says in a passing tone.

She smiles fondly at the kiss, not reacting to it just staying contently close to show she likes it. She likes it a lot, him becoming more comfortable with her even if he doesn't remember her. It's funny how that works, she's pretty sure she'd be okay even if he never remembered her so long as he likes her.

"I'm comfortable with you too, James. It's easy."

"Surprising, but welcome," Bucky says. He doesn't think anyone should feel comfortable with him, knowing what he's capable of, but Natasha clearly does and he should treasure it and not question it. He watches the movie a little more and as he does, he lifts his hand to stroke her hair a bit.

Will she like that or will she pull away? He doesn't know but he's about to find out, he guesses.

"At least you know I can defend you."

She leans into the fingers in her hair, it feels nice, easy. She can't help but giggle and turn her head to look up at him when he brings up the idea that he can defend her. It's right in some way, with that new arm, he's a tank and could run through anything she needs him for.

That's not why she needs him.

She's got a bit smile when she turns her head up to look at his face, head still on his shoulder.

"You think I need anyone to defend me, James?"

"Well, no," Bucky says. He's a little embarrassed at being caught out about that but he guesses it's as good a time as any to talk about it. He doesn't pull away from her, wanting the contact, but stills his fingers in her hair.

"You're perfectly capable of handling yourself. You survived me twice, even. I know you don't need me to do that. It's more...it's more that I want to, you know? That I want to protect you more than I need to protect you because you can't do it yourself."

She nudges her head back against his fingers to let him know that it was okay, and he doesn't need to stop that. Her lips are curled in a smile as she watches him carefully while he explains.

"Awe, that's sweet, but the closest I've come to death any time recently is directly in this room as you said previously..." she gives him a wink to let him know she's not holding a grudge about it though.

"This new arm will do a pretty good job at protecting me though, I suppose. I like it as a pillow more though."

"Can't be a comfortable pillow. It's made of literal metal," Bucky says, laughing at her a little. "I'm sure the other side is probably way more comfortable than this one but if you have strange tastes, I don't think it's my place to change your mind."

Bucky strokes her hair again because she's tilted her head into his hand and he has a soft smile. Touching her makes him happy.

"I bet there's other more comfortable things to use as pillows around here."

That reaction just makes her lean her cheek against the arm after she shakes her head. She likes this, it's him. It's a different metal but the cool feel of it against her skin is reassuring, kindling memories of long ago that were hidden in the back of her brain, tucked away because she didn't allow herself to feel them anymore.

"No thanks, I'm good with you as a pillow..." she doesn't bring up the arm again. It took everything she had to say she'd used it many times and it had never been a problem before so she didn't think it would be now.

"Strange girl," Bucky says. It makes him happy, though, having Natasha so close and when the movie ends, he finds that he doesn't want it to be over. He wants her to stay right here and maybe even fall asleep in his lap but he doesn't know how to subtly send her that kind of signal.

"If you want to stay over, bed's free. I can take the couch for a night so you can be comfortable."

There's no way he won't offer the bed to her. He's a gentleman.

She shifts against him and moves to sit up a little bit, turning so she can look at him. She's close, almost in his lap, but not quite and it's full of tension like she just wants to let herself crash into him like that.

"I just told you that I want to use you as a pillow, I'm pretty sure that would be difficult if you were on the couch, James."

Bucky hopes to god he's not blushing but his face feels hot and he thinks it might be giving things away he doesn't want to give away right now. He doesn't move away from Natasha, though, and she's pressed close enough that she's almost in his lap.

"I guess you're right about that. I can't be in two places at once so I guess we gotta share. I mean...if you're all right with that and all that entails."

"Oh I think we can somehow manage..." she says fondly and moves to get up off the couch offering him a hand. She's not used to leading him, but she's used to leading men in general so it's easy enough. She tugs him over to the bed and then glances down at her clothes and makes a face.

"Do you have a big t-shirt or something I could borrow to sleep in? Jeans kind of suck for being comfortable with that."

"Oh, yeah, I'm pretty sure anything I own will be big on you," Bucky says. He goes to look through the one dresser he has here and pulls out a t-shirt, just plain black, and gives it to her.

"That should work. You're small enough that it should be a dress on you, more or less. If you want something else, I'll see what I can find."

"Yep, no problem" she says and takes the t-shirt before heading to the bathroom to change. She folds her clothing in a nice pile and waits a few minutes, assuming that it is giving him time to change into sweats before she comes back out in just the t-shirt smiling at him.

"It is absolutely bigger then some night gowns I own, that is for sure. How's it look?" She asks and gives him a twirl.

Bucky had taken the time to change into sweats but she's so quick that he hadn't gotten a shirt yet before she comes back out of the bathroom. Men are shirtless all the time, though, so it's not like it's anything she's never seen anymore but he feels...seen.

Her, though. It does something to him to see her in his shirt and it takes him a minute to respond to her question.

"Oh, yeah, you look great. But you always look great no matter what you wear."

"You know how to make a girl blush," she says, but she's not actually blushing. She's gotten much better at controlling those kind of emotions then when she had originally met him. She crosses the space over to him, closing it and stepping in close.

She looks up at him, thinks about wrapping her arms around his neck for a slow moment before she places a hand on his chest. The other widows always called him the handsome American, because that what he was.

"Gonna keep me safe from the wild cats?"

Bucky is a little surprised she has her palm on his bare chest but should he be? Natasha has never been shy about touching him. Still, he feels like that point of contact is burning him like a brand even if he can't pull himself away from it.

"Uh, yeah. I can protect you from the wildlife. Don't normally have a problem with it out here but if it comes up, you can get behind me. I can take it."

She looks up at him and brushes a thumb over his chest. Over the tshirt is the necklace he got her, she hasn't taken it off and under there's a silver chain that's tucked away that you can just see around her neck. She stays for a moment longer before patting his chest and stepping away to crawl onto the bed tucking herself under his covers without even waiting for an invite.

"There's a word in Japanese called skinship, and how important it is for people to have skin to skin contact -- even platonically. I think maybe your body is craving it after so long..."

What Natasha is saying makes sense. People aren't meant to be isolated and alone the way he's been for so long; they're social creatures, simply put, and he's been pushing the limits of the measure of solitude a man can stand without going insane.

Natasha has already gotten into bed and Bucky feels like that's an invitation to join her even if he feels like it crosses some invisible boundary. Maybe she wants the boundary to be crossed - why mention skinship if she didn't want to cross it?

Get in the damn bed, Barnes, he thinks to himself, and slides in alongside her.

"In spite of speaking Japanese, I don't think I've ever heard of that."

"Yeah, well I suppose you were more used to words for weapons and tactics," she says with a smile. She can tell he's nervous, it's almost sweet to watch, but once he's in bed she tucks up close to him sliding up against his side and resting her head on his shoulder. One hand moves to rest on his chest and she just holds herself there close, skin on skin and sighs softly.

"It's not your fault that you were so much weapon you forgot how to human, James. I'll help you remember... a long time ago someone helped me feel human too when I didn't know how to be."

"That was a lucky someone," Bucky says. It's hard to think when Natasha is curled up against him like this and he can smell the faint scent of her shampoo and feel the softness of her hand against his chest. He wonders what it would be like to be her lover. Not one of her marks, one of those people that get seduced for information, but her lover. He wonders what it would be like to be the person to have her heart.

But Natasha flirts like breathing and while she's said she'd be with him if he'd ever wanted it, that she'd go on dates with him and that she thinks he's handsome, is it real? Are there emotions there or is it just physical? At one point in his life, physical was enough, but he doesn't think it is anymore.

"I'm not the kind of guy who can do this without feelings," he blurts out and he feels like he's made a mistake as soon as he's said it. He can't take it back now. "I'll get hurt."

"He was pretty great..." she says off handedly. It's casual like she's not ready to put much thought in it. Instead she's just enjoying his touch, the softness of his skin, the feel of being close to him again after all these years.

After all they had been through. Yet he doesn't even know that they had been through half of it. When he says he'll get hurt she always blurts out that it was always him, that this isn't lacking feelings, that those feelings never left.

They stayed with her every day she was without him. Even the years she thought she'd never see him again. Until that time he attacked her again.

"I told you, James. I'm here for as much or as little as you need, that I'd let you lead."

"I know, you did say that, it's just...Natasha, I'm a mess. I'm fragile. I can't take it if it doesn't work out, you know? I was under too long to want anything but the real deal but people aren't perfect and you...you've got a lot of options. That's all."

Still, she's chosen to be in bed next to him and not out there pursuing any of those options so maybe he should just shut up about that and just enjoy how it feels to hold her. It feels good to have someone pick him over other people, to choose him over all the better bodies they could have.

"I want someone I could love someday and that could possibly love me back. That's a lot to ask of a person."

The way he talks makes her want to get out of bed and run far away. It feels like he's judging her even though he knows it's more complicated then it being simply that. She tightens a little bit as she listens to him.

She pulls back just enough to look down at him slowly, carefully taking in each part of his face and his concern.

"Some day you're going to think back to this conversation and think you were a real idiot for saying this to me, just so you know."

Her face is soft after she says it and she leans back in to tuck down against him.

"I said whatever you want, and need and I fucking meant it. Don't make me say it again, James."

Bucky realizes now that she'd taken what he'd said as a judgment on her and not on himself and now he's embarrassed and apologetic all at once. She's settled back against him and he sighs heavily enough that she can surely feel the movement of his chest.

"I wasn't judging you, Natasha. I was just...I don't know. But it wasn't a judgment on you at all."

She says that he'll think he's an idiot for saying this to her one day and he doesn't quite know what that means but maybe she means she's willing to put a hell of a lot of investment into him. That makes absolutely zero sense - he's got a lot of work to do before he's healthy enough to be a good partner - but she keeps insisting she's there for anything he needs. Instead -

"What makes me special to you, Natasha? Why are you fighting so hard for me?"

It's tempting to want to say so many things to him. To explain things so she just sighs a little bit and stays quite while she's thinking about it.

"How much do you want to know about that?" she asks curiously. It's only a moment before she adds to it though. "Because I know what it's like to be controlled and used, and I know that under all that rust of it that needs to be knocked out there is a wonderful man underneath it all."

It makes sense, relating to him on a base level because she's been a Widow and he was the Winter Soldier. Nobody else has the experiences they have and no one else can understand them. Sure, they can say they sympathize and say sorry and say they wish that you hadn't gone through them but they don't know. They don't know what it's like to have to murder without a choice in the matter.

Natasha does.

"That's why you feel safe when you're with me? Because you get it? Because I'm pretty sure you're the only person who can get it."

"It's some of the reason that's for sure..." she explains voice soft a hand stroking along where his metal arm meets the flesh of his shoulder. She pauses for a moment, thinking of words before adding.

"Everyone says they don't know me, they can't know me, because I'm too many people or pretend to be. It feels like you see me though, James." She doesn't add that it always felt like he could see her over the years.

"I don't really know how to explain it all though."

"The most important things can never be explained by something so inadequate as words," Bucky says. She's touching him still, hand stroking at his shoulder where it fits in with his metal arm. It's sensitive there but no longer painful after being fitted with the new arm and he closes his eyes. He wants to make noises that are absolutely inappropriate but he bites the inside of his cheek to keep them in.

"L’essentiel est Invisible pour les Yeux."*

The French comes easily, accented well even if you can still tell he's an American, and he gives her a little smile.

*( What is essential is invisible to the eye. - The Little Prince. )

"Where'd you hear that quote from?" she asks curiously. She's surprised but it's not unwarranted, his brain is like a filing box with everything tucked away in a way that brain. She knows that some of it will start to unpack and make sense in his head.

"Just let the feelings," she reassures him and just brushes his shoulder a little bit more. "Close your eyes, just relax, and let the feelings have you. Try not to even think about it..."

"It's a book. A children's book, I guess, but surprisingly deep. I guess when I was learning all those languages, they gave me a bunch of things to read and didn't really care what they were. Immersion is the best way to learn one, anyway, so a children's book might be a good place to start. I think it was called Le Petit Prince."

Sometimes he knows things and he doesn't know why. Quotes from books, pieces of art, facts about places that you can barely pick out on a map. It's something new every day and Bucky's learned to just go with it.

Just like Natasha's inviting him to do now. She wants him to go with his feelings. His feelings want him to do a lot more than just lay here and relax, though, so he doesn't quite go with them. He does, however, close his eyes and try to relax.

"It's started to come back, you know. Desire. It wasn't there for a long time after I escaped. Now...well, now I feel it sometimes."

She blushes a little bit against his shoulder nuzzling into his shoulder to hide it a little bit. It's comfortable to hear that though, and makes her feel nice even if she wasn't expecting it.

"That's natural, you know. And it's okay," she says softly against his skin eyes already closed like she's relaxed against him. "But tonight let's just stay like this okay? I want you to be able to be comfortable and trust me, when you act on it."

Part of her is afraid he'd have sex with her and then freak out and never want to see her again, she's not really ready for that either.

"Oh God, I wasn't coming on to you," Bucky says, mortified that he'd even brought it up. He hadn't meant to make Natasha think he was going to jump her or something. He doesn't know what he intended, honestly, except he was relaxed and felt like being truthful instead of holding everything in.

"Not that you're not...you're beautiful, you know that, I just would never pressure you for that and I was just talking in general about...you know. Progress and stuff."

"Shit." Yeah, that just about sums it up.

She listens to him fumble his words and just presses up on one arm so she can lean in and give his lips the softest of kisses to shut him up from his fumbling of his words that he's tripping over.

The kiss is soft, and only lasts a moment before she's tucked down again next to him. She wants him to know that it's okay if he wants her, that it's just a lot right now.

"Don't worry too much, like I said, just relax and feel things out."

Bucky squeezes his eyes shut. He feels the kiss, soft against his mouth, and part of him wants to deepen it and really kiss her and not just play at it. She doesn't want that right now, though, so he doesn't chase it. She's settled back against him quick enough that he couldn't have caught her in the act anyway.

"I just didn't know if I still could physically, that's all. But I can. That's all I meant to say. It wasn't a proposition."

He's glad he didn't properly come on to her, though, because being told to relax and feel things out if he put himself out there probably would have stopped him from ever trying again. At least it isn't that situation.

That feels bad, wrong. He thinks things because he doesn't remember and it makes her insides churn a little bit like she's holding it away from him and it's bad. That's one of the reasons she's not ready to be intimate with him until he understands that.

She reaches for one of his hands and entwines their fingers before saying in the softest voice she could muster.

"I already knew that you could."

"Because of Steve?"

That's the only other person he knows that was subjected to the serum and frozen under ice for decades. If Steve could, it stands to reason that he could too and maybe he'd talked to Natasha about it. They are friends, after all, and while she says it wasn't romantic, she did say she tried to set him up on dates. If Steve was with people without problems, maybe that's why she knows.

"That's the only person I know in my...unique situation. But it'd make sense if you knew because of him."

"Just to clarify, I absolutely never slept with Steve," He doesn't ask more specifics, but she wants to make sure that he doesn't think there's anything going on with her and his best friend.

She squeezes his hand after she says that before just melting into him a little more. It's awkward, still, feeling like she shouldn't be saying things like this to him. She has no right but she just adds.

"Some of the Widows used to talk about their missions with the Winter Soldier, and how fun he could be. I was pretty sure they were making it up but..."

Bucky's eyes fly open at that. He does not remember ever being around Black Widows during any of his missions. He'd been aware of them, naturally, but the Winter Soldier was a solo operative. He'd never worked with anyone. Bucky has all these memories of all these kills and never once had he worked with anyone.

"Wait. I never worked with anyone. I've never...the Winter Soldier works alone. The Winter Soldier doesn't cooperate. He can't. He's programmed with orders and carries them out and there's no flexibility. To work with someone you need flexibility. He definitely wasn't fun. They were lying. About all of it. Maybe they saw my picture and made up a story but there's no way they ever saw me. It's not possible."

She drops his hand a that, shifting away from him she moves to sit up in the bed, pulling her knees up close and her arms hug around them and she sits quite for a few moments while he processes that. She doesn't even look at him but is instead looking off in his little hut.

"You were wiped a lot by hydra after you left the red room, it made you unstable, and into that. It wasn't always you James."

"So I was myself and I chose to do those things. That makes me even worse than I thought I was. It was bad enough when I thought I had no control, when all my memories are being locked inside my body while I carry out orders. Now you're telling me that I was fun. That I was me. I did those things as me."

God, it makes him sick to his stomach to even think about it and he gets out of the bed and shoves a hand through his hair while he paces in tight circles around the room.

"So which ones did I choose? Which people did I kill with a smile on my face? You seem to know. You knew. If I thought it would kill me, I'd put a bullet in my brain right now. I was me. Some fucking hero I am. I'm even more a monster than I thought I was."

"Stop it. STOP it." She says firmly but she moves to crawl out of the bed and goes to get her clothes from the bathroom because she is not having this discussion, argument, whatever it is in a t-shirt in bed. She doesn't put them on though and the second she walks out of the bathroom she looks at him with a glare.

"Is that what you think of me? That I was killing people for fun, because I can fucking remember. That I wasn't manipulated at all and it was just fun, because I worked in a team? Fuck you, James." She starts to pull on her pants glaring at him.

"Widows are different and you fucking know it. You don't have a choice as a Widow. They condition you from birth and it's like being in a cult. You're so programmed that you'll do anything even if you're aware of everything around you. It's not the same as me. I was a soldier. I didn't grow up like that. I would have fought."

Not that Natasha wouldn't have fought - she did, eventually, and got herself out.

"I would have killed myself before I hurt anyone because I knew a life outside of HYDRA. It's not the same as you and I don't think that about you or any other Widow. You're all manipulated."

"Stop being such an idiot." She says buckling her pants clearly getting ready to leave because she's frustrated. That's what Natasha does when things go rough, things are too tough. This is why she doesn't do people, why she likes to work alone.

"If they programed you to be a machine they could program you to think that your job was a fucking killing machine for a different program, that you could work with a team to do things. Stop being so stubborn."

She doesn't change the shirt she just goes to grab her bag she'd brought with her.

"So much for being here for me. Gets tough, you get out. And yeah, I'm a fucking idiot. I knew it wasn't real. Who the fuck would want this mess? When did I become the mark? Who asked you to do it? Steve? The Wakandans?"

Bucky has no idea why he would be useful as a mark at this point. He'd told Steve everything he remembered, forward and back, and if there was more information that they wanted he would have happily gone into a debriefing. This just seems cruel.

"Who asked you to come and try to put sad, broken Bucky back together again? Because you almost did it, you know. I was falling for you. I was eating it up. I was beginning to think that a beautiful woman might be willing to be patient for me. I thought I mattered."

The words hurt, but not in the way she expects them to. She's too frustrated at the idea, that somehow the idea that being with her, spending time on missions with her that he would have rather killed himself then do that.

She takes off the necklace he made her and sets in on the table gently. She then reaches under her shirt and pulls out a silver chain that has on it a single silver ring, it's a stylized band of cords that are entwined, nothing fancy. It looks cheap and is a little tarnished but she tosses it gently at him on the bed.

"You asked me to. Years ago, when you told me you loved me. But I guess you would have rather put a bullet in your brain then love a killer. Because you're an America soldier right? And I'm just some dirty Russian whore."

"I don't fucking remember," Bucky shouts but that's before he realizes what she's said completely and lets it settle over him. He asked her to. When he told her that he loved her.

When he told her that he loved her.

"You're not a whore, Natasha," Bucky says, voice softer. He crosses over to the table and picks up the ring, turns it over in his fingers a few times to see if it sparks any memory. It doesn't There's nothing there. He doesn't remember Black Widows, he doesn't remember Natasha, he doesn't remember being in love. It's blank.

When he told her that he loved her.

"I don't remember," he says again, softer. "Nothing's there. Why make up a story that makes you so vulnerable? That's not something you do for a mark. That's exactly what you don't do for a mark. But I don't remember."

"You don't have to remember, you just have to trust me enough to believe me. When I tell you things and not get angry about them.." she sighs and rubs her fingers across her brows in frustration.

"I told you I'd wait as long as you need and I fucking will, but you can't ... You can just not believe me about that you weren't a monster because..." She trails off, she can't even bring herself to say, to explain.

"You were talking about feelings, and doing things, and it wouldn't be right to not get you to understand .. it's .. not consent to explain that we're complicated."

"I was ready."

It's a heavy thing to admit, that he was ready to trust her and be intimate with her when he barely remembered anything but killing people over and over for decades. He'd started to trust her as much as he trusts Steve and Bucky doesn't think he's ever trusted anyone that much in his life. Except now he knows that apparently he and Natasha were in love, once, and he'd given her a token of that love.

"I wanted to be intimate. You were so giving and so affectionate and I was falling, hard, and I didn't know what to do with it. I wanted to be loved."

Now Bucky isn't sure what he wants. He doesn't think it's fair to Natasha to be with her romantically if he doesn't remember their past and while he trusts her when she says they were together (how does that benefit anyone to lie about something like that?) he doesn't remember any of it. It makes them uneven and it means he'll hurt her if he doesn't do or say the things that he did when they were together. He doesn't think he's the same person she fell in love with. He can't be.

"Now...now, it's not fair to you for me to do that because I don't remember. You love someone I don't remember. Someone that probably isn't me. He looked like me and maybe said some of the same things but I don't think he was...this. I'll hurt you if I'm not him."

She closes her eyes and nods. She was expecting it, really, this was the only way this could end she supposes. She lives the ring in his fingers though, because it's really not hers to take.

"Okay then, that's clear at least," It hurts to say like that because she does like this version of him too but she's not going to push him it's not his fault. "It wouldn't have been fair James, to start something without you knowing either. It wouldn't have been fair to you..."

She shakes her head and opens her eyes and looks right at him, giving him a soft smile.

"I'll get out of your house, but just... know it was never only because I was looking for the man I used to know. I liked you for you, and your romance movie list, half of them are movies we used to sneak to watch on the tvs in hotel rooms on missions."

She turns to start to leave and looks over her shoulder and adds.

"Don't hate him when you remember him, he was a good man, and it wasn't his fault that the stupid program made him think it was his job to do all those things... Just like me" she adds softly before she's at the door and walking out.

She's right, of course, that it wouldn't be fair and as much as it hurts, he appreciates the honesty. If she'd started a relationship with him and never told him about their past, he'd feel betrayed and hurt and might not be able to repair anything between them ever.

Maybe it's better to end this before it starts.

Then she says it wasn't just that she was looking for the man she used to know but that she liked him as he was, that the movies he picked out were ones they used to watch together and he clenches his left hand in a fist just hearing the words.

She's leaving. She asks him not to hate himself when he remembers and he doesn't know if he can promise that but he does think he owes her an apology. How do you apologize to your ex that you don't remember your relationship? They don't make a greeting card for that.

***

Time passes. Steve visits again but wisely says nothing about Natasha. He brings everything he knows about the Black Widow program with him but asks him, pointedly, if this is a door he wants to open. Bucky knows that it is. He thinks he owes it to Natasha to try and remember who he used to be so he can resolve this thing between them.

It's a somber visit, honestly, and when Steve's gone, he starts poring through all the files. There's nothing about him in them. There wouldn't be - he's a very well-kept secret - but maybe there's something that's not so obvious between the lines.

There's mentions here and there of "an instructor" and "the American" and he guesses that's him. They're all very vague. No mission rundowns. No dossier. Nothing. It's a useless dead end. Everything is a dead end.

Then the dreams start.

It's never mission work. It's always being crammed into a hotel shower with Natasha or lying in bed with Natasha. It's stealing her little things to give to her that are literally worth nothing at all because it's a game between them and she smiles every time she gets some penny candy or a carved wooden toy or paper bill from some currency they've never seen before that he's folded up into a rose. It's stupid things, always, but she treats them like treasures.

He doesn't even know how to call her. He does know how to call Steve, though, so he does and he leaves a message asking for Natasha. If anyone can help him with this, it's her, and he still has feelings for her even if everything is fucked up right now.

It's hard to leave but she does. The next day she's out of Wakanda, but she leaves a burner phone with Shuri for him to get in contact with her if he ever asks. It seems he doesn't though, because her phone never rings.

She thinks of him everyday but some are harder then others. She buries herself in her own work, going deep into Russia and dark for a while trying to dig up all the information on the soldier program that she can. She doesn't come up with much, and thinks too much about how it would have been better to be doing this with Bucky anyways. She misses him.

She doesn't come out from being dark for another two weeks past when Steve is asked about her. He tells Bucky she's dark but from the moment she hears about him asking to talk to her she doesn't pause to wait for a call or to try to call she hops in the quinnjet to Wakanda. She wants to see him.

She's sitting out under the tree they ate at one time in the morning when he comes out. For her it's the very next day, but it's two weeks past him asking for her.

"I heard you asked for me?"

"Uh, yeah. I did."

Bucky had hoped this wouldn't be awkward but it is, still, and he wishes he could go back to the awkwardness of just being shy and unsure around her instead of this where he doesn't know where he stands. Natasha looks as beautiful as she always does and while he had asked for her two weeks ago, he'd understood she was busy. It makes sense. Her life isn't about sitting around waiting for him to recover his memories.

"I wish I could tell you I remember but I don't," Bucky says, swallowing a lump in his throat. God, he wishes he remembered. He wants to remember that time they spent together and how they fell in love and the words they said to one another. He wants to know what they had that was so important that she wanted to come see him and try to coax it back out.

"Steve got me some files. I saw some vague mentions of what could be me. Not that I didn't believe you, or anything, just that it's corroborated. I've just been having...dreams. That's mostly why I wanted to see you."

"It's okay, James. I'm not holding it against you not to remember me." That's really not what she had been struggling with at all, just at his frustration, with her not seeming to believe him when about any of it. She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a breath.

She's got a bag next to her and she reaches to pull out a file from it biting her lower lip as she opens her eyes and looks at him.

"I was working on getting my hand on something else, this might be a little more complete then what Steve has... there's still a lot of redacted things though." She offers him the file holding it out.

"You can ask me anything, you know. I'll tell you whatever I can."

"I saw enough from Steve's to know I was there," Bucky says. "So maybe this will fill in a little more of the picture. I don't want to look at it right this second, though. Is this just a drop and go or do you have some time to come in?"

Bucky doesn't know if he can repair what they had where she was so comfortable with him and willing to be so patient with him while he was figuring out who he was and what his place in the world is but he'd like if they were at least friends.

"You could at least get a little break to have something to drink or something to eat even if you have to get out of here."

"I would have just sent the file if it was drop," it's a lie. That information is too personal and he didn't want it getting into anyones hands anyways but she's trying to play it cool.

"Sure, I could use some food-- but I gotta ask, is this all you wanted to talk to me about? Just to let me know that Steve got you info?" she asks curiously. She didn't know what she'd been expecting, a question or something more, but not this so she's treading the waters carefully.

"No."

His voice is soft when he says that. Bucky doesn't know how to fix what happened last time because he'd destroyed the good thing they had because he didn't take Natasha at her word and now he doesn't remember anything about this relationship that they had, the relationship that was so important to her that she wanted to rekindle it.

"I just didn't know how to ask you to visit me," he says, just as quiet. "I fucked it all up last time and I can't remember all the important things about us that you fell in love with. I didn't think it was fair for me to just...hold you emotionally hostage."

"It's okay, it's not your fault, I should have told you in a better way... right off the bat or something. I don't know.." She says softly as she shakes her head. Honestly, she really didn't know how to do such a thing, or what the right thing was and she'd replayed it over and over in her mind these last few weeks.

"Like I said, you can as me anything. Just believe me okay. That includes asking me to come visit."

"Yeah. I just...don't know how to be that guy and I'm afraid to have emotions about...that. I don't think it's fair to not be who you love and expect anything. I need to remember."

It's difficult to say that because he wants to be with Natasha. He wants what they had before he knew even if knowing the truth is better than living a lie. Knowing is better than not knowing all around.

"So I don't want you to feel tied down."

"James, you can focus on you because that's enough. I'm a big girl, and I can keep myself safe, I promise." She takes a step closer to him but doesn't reach out to touch him, just meets him half way incase he wants to come closer.

"You don't always have to try to protect me like that. I know what it's like for things to change, for people to change, but I know that somewhere in there, those memories are. I know that it wasn't a completely different person I was in love with, just a part of him..." she says with a smile, because she's sure of that.

"Besides, you were dreaming about me, which says to me you like me too."

"I never said I didn't like you," Bucky says. Like feels like too weak a word for the feelings he had been developing for Natasha before everything came out about him having worked with the Widows before and them having a relationship while he was still under. He had been falling in love with her and now he feels like he's encroaching on another man's woman.

"And yeah, I had dreams. I never stopped wanting you. I just feel like I'm encroaching on the ghost you loved. I feel like you're a widow and I'm the new man coming in after your husband died except the husband was...me. A different me."

And clearly a more confident him.

She cocks her head to the side a little bit thinking on his statement which is different and and interesting way to look at it.

"And would you think that about someone who's husband died? That her second husband was loved any less then the first one?" she asks softly, like she's trying to judge his reasoning there. She's a little frustrated in the way that he always seems to be convinced he's right about everything -- but it's also just like how he always was, so there's also some assurance to that.

"Tell me about your dreams James."

"I don't know how I'd feel, Natasha. It's a pretty unique situation, don't you think? This one? I think it'd be different if it was two different men but this like...two halves of myself and I can't access one half of it."

Bucky makes a frustrated noise and when she asks about the dreams, he thinks that's easier to address.

"Dreams about showering with you, about lying in bed with you, about stealing you little things just to make you happy. You loved that man. Me. But I don't remember it the way I remember us curled up and watching movies, you know?"

She wants to get frustrated at that, ask him if that means she shouldn't be allowed to like this one now then, but she doesn't. She just focuses on what he says about the dreams.

"Those sound like memories, not made up ones. You used to fold me these little paper currency bills into flowers, or give me other trinkets." Her face has a little bit of a sad smile when she remembers that and shakes her head.

"When I was missing you out there working, I was missing watching movies on the couch with you too you know, you can stop trying to assume you know exactly how I feel, and just ask."

"Look, I just...I needed to know. You're not wrong for telling me. Steve's files showed me enough to confirm I was there. I'm sure what you've brought me will tell me even more about what I did when I was in the Red Room and why I was there."

Bucky runs his hand through his hair; it's so long now that it gets in his eyes easily and still gets tangled.

"I just don't want to let you down. That's all."

"Hey... James..." She says quietly and she reaches out to take his hand.

"You're not going to let me down, okay? That much I am sure of," she adds softly smiling at him and squeezing his hand for a moment in reassurance. She brushes her thumb over the back of his hand quietly and just gives him a moment to process all this.

"Nothing else, literally, is gonna run me off okay. Just, please, stop trying to apologize and push me away and let me be by your side."

"Yeah, I'm just overthinking it," Bucky says. It's hard not to overthink it though because this is such a strange situation and he doesn't think anyone else would have to compete with their past self in a romantic relationship. It's just...yeah.

"It's just difficult to know there's a part of me missing and not know how to get it back. I feel like it's not fair to either of us for me to not have it, you know? I guess it'll come back eventually, though."

"Don't you think that spending more time together, would probably help with some of that?"

It's quite, she's not going to beg him to let her stay there. She still wants to run away sometimes when he gets like this, but she's figuratively digging in her heels and not letting herself turn this time.

"Stop explaining, just feel."

"Just feel," Bucky agrees. There's no harming in just letting himself feel and he remembers when Natasha said he'd feel stupid about feeling nervous with her and now he understands what that meant and, well, he does feel a little stupid about it. He offers his hand to her.

"Remember when you said I'd feel stupid about being nervous? I think I know what you mean, now. I didn't have to feel nervous because you already knew me, right? Or some of me, at least."

She squeezes his hand and steps a little closer, looking up at him with a gentle smile. The kind that's soft, and she's kept just for him all these years.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I meant, you already had me hook line and sinker, there was nothing for you to worry about. I'm a sure thing Barnes, and you're going to think you're extra dumb when you were suggesting I'd probably rather be off with one of your friends yeah."

"Well, I'm pretty sure Steve's heart is taken," Bucky says, laughing softly. He's never seen anyone look at a person the way Steve had looked at Peggy Carter and he's not sure why he ever entertained the thought of Steve and Natasha being together.

"But I guess you could say my heart's taken too," he says, squeezing her hand back. "Come on inside. I'm not the kinda guy to just leave a girl standing on the porch when she's the most beautiful girl I've ever met."

She melts a little bit when he says that. She really wants to throw herself at him and wrap his arms around him and just give him a big hug but that just feels a little too much.

"Lead the way, James.." She says instead but she doesn't let go of his hand as she follows him into his home quietly. She knows she's been pushy, and a lot and she'd like to just let him a relax a little bit more.

"You always told me I was the prettiest girl in the world.." she chuckles, "My pretty little spider" She says off hand in Russian, but with an American accent like he speaks.

"I didn't use spider. I couldn't possibly have used something as on the nose as spider," Bucky says, giving her a narrow-eyed look. He leads her inside and goes to get them both something to drink while he turns that over and over in his head. Pretty little spider. Nah, no way. That's never a nickname he'd use.

"Vixen," he substitutes, still in Russian. "That's more like me, I think. I won't believe spider until I remember it myself or have video evidence."

And the latter cannot possibly exist.

She grins at that, hoisting herself up on his kitchen counter to sit taking the drink he hands her and takes a sip looking over at him pointedly as she says it. It's somehow very funny to imagine that this James is much cooler and convinced he is then the one he knows.

"Just so you know, I told you the other Widows used to talk about you, but it was bullshit... you're right you only had eyes for one vixen." She says reassuringly with a grin.

"Guess I'm just too prefect."

"I told you that was bullshit. No one would describe me as fun," Bucky says. It's light-hearted this time, though, not broken and brittle and painful. It's something he can laugh at a little bit now because it's been bandaged over. It's not fixed, not at all, but he can poke a little fun at it.

"I would say I would need a personality transplant to be fun but that's not actually funny since I had one," he adds. "But me only having eyes for you? That tracks. I don't think there's any woman alive or dead who could hold a candle to the great Natasha Romanoff."

"You know, I'm starting to think you've gotten a hell of a lot funnier, James." She says fondly and holds out her arms for him to come closer to her sitting on the counter. She wants to wrap her legs around him a little bit but him standing between them will make it up to that idea.

"I'm sure there's prettier women out there in the world, but I'll settle on being the prettiest in your eyes, because those are the only ones I care about anyways. Plus, let's be honest, I could kick pretty much anyone elses ass."

Bucky moves to stand in front of her so Natasha can wrap her arms around him while she's still sitting on the counter. She's so short that doing this basically makes her the same height as he is and he finds it amusing that finally, this is the way they get face to face.

"I'm pretty sure I'm not funnier. The truly funny version of me died in 1945. I think what I am now is laughable, which has the root of laugh but does not, in fact, speak to my ability to deliver jokes. And yes, you could kick everyone else's ass."

She sets her drink on the counter and drapes her arms around his neck and smiles at him, he's handsome and it's easy to get lost in his eyes. She just looks at him fond, quite for a moment before adding. "Maybe we need to get a comedy movie list then, get your comedy sense up in reaction to it. Bet you'd pick it up soon..."

She takes one of her hands away to bring it up to comb through his hair with a gentle smile.

"It'll get better James, you just have to give it time. When I first got out I was so afraid all the time, kept looking behind my back constantly."

"What did my hair look like then?"

It's an impromptu question, only asked because Natasha has her hand in his hair again and it feels so good that he almost can't string a sentence together. He wonders if she touched his hair like this back then, back during those times he doesn't remember. His dreams showed him with long hair but he has long hair now so he might have simply imagined it that way because it's how he looks now.

"Was it like this?"

The first question he's asked, and she's more then happy to answer that. She smiles at that carding her fingers through his hair a bit quicker in response to it.

"It was long, just like this," she says with a smile. "Sometimes when your head was hurting you'd lay your head in my lap and I'd just run my fingers through your hair for hours, it's why I decided to ask to wash it."

She explains the first day they'd spent together here in Wakanda.

"I thought it might help you relax still to this day."

"Huh. I did like it when you washed it," Bucky admits. He likes her touching it right now, too, and her description of stroking it while his head's in her lap sounds like the most relaxing thing in the world. He realizes now that her washing his hair had been just as much for her as it was for him.

"I thought nobody had ever done that for me," Bucky says. "But it felt so good that I didn't know how to ask for it again. Guess you know me better than I know me at this point considering you can fill in all my blanks."

She combs her fingers through his hair a bit more, brushing some out of his face. He’s handsome, she wonders what he would look like with shorter hair, she’s pretty sure he’d be handsome no matter how his hair was.

“Not all of them, but some. And I’d be happy to fill in what I can for you whenever you want … if you ever decide that you do.”

“I can wash your hair again tomorrow for you if you want, it looks nice today still, I don’t think it’s quite ready for another wash yet.”

"Maybe we could see about actually doing it in a shower this time. Unless that's...crossing a line. It doesn't have to be sex, it can just be a shower."

They've both seen each other naked dozens of times, surely, even if he doesn't remember it and he's not so out of control that he can't see a woman naked and not keep his hands to himself. It can just be hair washing. It's just more convenient in the shower.

She starts to giggle at that and gives him a look.

“I will absolutely have just a shower with you- but you should know that shower was absolutely the first place we ever got dirty together,” she tells him carding fingers through his hair.

“I tried to sneak up on you, and you caught me … then we “practiced” my English and you taught me some very dirty words” she adds with a chuckle.

"I can imagine how many dirty words I taught you," Bucky says, laughing softly. "I went through an entire war. I think I know filthy words in every language, not just English."

It then dawns on him that she said that's the first time they ever got dirty together and he colors a little.

"The first-first time?"

“I am somehow not surprise at all that you know all the dirty words…” she says grinning at him. It’s like that idea has him relaxed a little bit. However when he asks the next question to her the grin fades and something a bit more nostalgic takes over her expression.

“Well, it was my first time with someone I got to choose, the first time just for fun. So you might say it counted like that —“ the seriousness changes as she adds teasingly. “Don’t tell me you’ve got a virginity kink”

Bucky gives her an awkward look and wonders how he can play this off. Being called out on a specific kink - whether it is his kink or not - is a little embarrassing for him. Maybe it won't always be that way and maybe it wasn't when he worked with the Red Room but he's still finding his footing right now and trying to feel comfortable in his own skin again.

"Well, I didn't know. I just thought if I was your first, it was important to know. But I kinda was, I guess, so it doesn't matter. The actual physical...for fucks' sake, Natasha, I'm terrible at talking about this. Are you sure I used to be smooth? Because I was in the 40's but I sure as hell am not now."

She picks up on the awkwardness that he’s feeling and she just melts a little more pulling him in for a hug so she can lean in and kiss his cheek for a moment.

“Sweetheart, you just made sure to check with me to make sure you understand how important something like that is to me. That is smooth and caring — I’m the idiot who turned it into a joke..”

She pulls back and looks him in the eye and shrugs. “I guess sometimes I’m still bitter about the work I had to do sometimes when I was in the room…”

"I'm bitter about it too. What I remember of being the Winter Soldier...I got used too. Maybe not the same was as Widows because you have to use your sexuality to get information, to eliminate targets. I remember being locked up in my body while I got used."

On this, they can agree, and Bucky is sad that they can. Nobody should have to go through the things they've been through.

"It's not fair to have to use something as intimate as sex as a weapon."

She nods, it's true and he's right. They both have been through too much and it's not fair for either of them.

"It was too much for both of us, but now we're out -- and we never have to go back James. Instead we get to be the good guys..." She says and looks at his eyes carefully trying to judge how he feels about the idea of working in the field at all and adds.

"Or you can be a cute stay at home boyfriend, who keeps a lot of plants and cooks dinner."

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back out there," he admits. "So I might be staying at home for a while." Bucky does stumble over "boyfriend" a little and turn it over in his mind because that implies that Natasha wants something with him, something real, and it's a little hard to believe that she does even knowing their history together.

"You ready to agree to that? Being in a relationship? Or was boyfriend just casual and something to make the joke flow well?"

She moves her hand from his hair down to his cheek to cup his face giving him a soft smile.

"Darling, I figure whenever you want that, I will want that. Whenever it is..." she says softly with a smile. "You got me wrapped around your finger and don't even know it."

Then she gets the impulse and she leans in to kiss him, because well, she's not sure it will do them any harm and she wants to kiss him. Besides, he's looked at her like he'd like to kiss her often and she can't help but want to kiss him.

So she does, it's soft and gentle, and slow but it's clearly romantic trying to pour all her feelings over him so she can stop talking about it. She hates words sometimes, and there's been so many words between them recently.

The kiss is a surprise but perhaps it shouldn't have been. Natasha's lips are soft and Bucky hasn't kissed anyone in so long that he doesn't even know where to start. It's easy to remember, though, and he puts his hands at Natasha's waist and deepens it after a few moments.

It feels good to kiss her, to resolve some of these feelings that have been bouncing around in his head, and some of the confusion he's been feeling is melting away. She's said over and over that she's a sure thing, that she's waiting on him, but he hasn't felt that truly until right now.

She let's him kiss her slow, gentle, but she wraps his legs around his waist because she can, keeping him there, close. When the kiss breaks she doesn't let him go and instead just smiles against them for a moment resting her forehead against his.

"Stop worrying, and just feel yeah?" she says softly, a promise something that both of them can do. "It'll all work out, we just have to let it okay?"

"It's really okay that I'm not him?"

Bucky is nervous about it, truly nervous, and he doesn't want to ruin this thing he wants because he's missing his memories. He wants everything. He wants to have someone care about him so he can care about them back and have something to tether him so he doesn't feel so lost.

"Just be you, James."

It's a statement, a hint of a order behind the voice. She's not going to spend a decade arguing this with him but she knows she'll have to remind him for a while now. She's starting to think that maybe he needs a stronger push to tell him these things then her wishy-washy answers of that she'll always be there waiting or whatever.

"Stop trying to compare things and just be you."

"Did you still want to get that shower?"

Natasha had said his hair looked fine today but you don't always have to wash your hair in the shower and Bucky thinks that's a way to maybe...relive something. Maybe it's a stupid idea but if she's up for it, he is, and he thinks maybe it's a good start on being together.

She's still got her legs wrapped around him as he asks and she hums for a moment like she's considering it. She's not really, but a girl can't be too eager to get naked with her ex that would just be weird. Okay, well, the entire situation is weird already.

"I suppose we could try that if you carry me, because I'm pretty damn comfortable right here, Soldat."

Bucky laughs at that. If carrying her is the price to get her to share a shower with him, he thinks that actually benefits him more than exchanging anything. It's something he'd like to do regardless, not to trade for something else.

It's nothing to pick her up into his arms and she's so light she might as well be a duffel bag. He lifts her up with her legs still wrapped around him and makes his way to the bathroom that way before setting her down.

"One carry for Natasha Romanoff so I think that means one shower for Bucky Barnes, yeah?"

"I can't argue with that logic, James," She says teasingly and tugs off her t-shirt. She's wearing a sports bra under it, practical, like she does pretty much all the time that's not a specific date night or anything like that. Look, she's a practical woman and it just makes sense.

She throws her shirt at him playfully.

"Next time you're taking me to a hotel that has a big bath, just so you know. I like baths."

"I think it would be a lot more fun in a big bath," Bucky agrees. He tugs off his own t-shirt but he doesn't have the benefit of another layer beneath it so it's bare skin he shows immediately and not more clothes.

He reaches down and pops the button on his jeans before he thinks about it and he decides that if he thinks too much about this, he'll get nervous, and he doesn't want to get nervous. No. He needs to just strip and be done with it.

So he does.

He leans over to start the shower and only after he has it going does he look back at Natasha. He keeps his eyes on her face for the moment, trying to see her reaction.

"Are you ready?"

She might have spent a little too much time checking out his cute butt while he stripped to have actually done anymore herself. So instead she just finds an excuse to delay him for a moment while she strips down the rest of the way herself.

"Tie your hair back, don't get it wet." She instructs before kicking off her underwear and hopping in the shower ahead of him blushing a little bit. She's not even sure why she's blushing or nervous but she is. She feels like she did when they first met all over again.

Bucky ties his hair back like she suggests and by the time he does, Natasha's already in the shower. Maybe it's a weird first date but they've done it before even if he doesn't remember it and maybe it's a way to be intimate without being completely intimate yet.

He steps into the shower and sets his hands on her shoulders, trying to keep her close to him even if the shower sort of forces that.

"Tell me why you call me James. Did I not remember I was Bucky when I was him? Or do you just like James better?"

She leans back into his touch relaxing under the water, closing her eyes as he asks the question. It's easy to give into his hands, they're so familiar, even if one is a different metal then it now was. It's hard to argue that the combination of flesh and metal was the thing that made her relax though.

"I just like the name James, it suits you. We didn't know your name before. I used to call you My Soldier or my darling or my love depending on the day."

In truth she'd also referred to him as The American or The Soldier around other people, but she didn't think that's what he was asking. He was asking about what she called her on her own.

"So it's something you picked for me now, then," Bucky says. Somehow, he likes that better. It's not something the old him had with her and she carried on but something she learned about him and decided on after she met him now.

"Then I'm glad you use it. I liked it anyway but now it feels like something that's between us, you know? Something new. Not that the old things are bad but I like knowing that the name is something just between us now and not something the old me had."

He chances looking down and sees her breasts and the muscles of her arms and stomach; Natasha is not an idle woman and he loves that about her.

She's quite for a moment, not sure how to react to that. It's really interesting to her that she's here, naked with him, and he's still caught up about what they previously had. She wants to get his mind off it still, but she's not sure if it's the right way.

It feels too much like a widows job, to turn and kiss him and touch him and let him turn his brain off and just feel. Yet, she's fresh out of ideas otherwise so she does just that quietly she turns in his arms and presses a kiss to his shoulder, her hands moving to wrap around him as she presses her body against his pulling him more closely into the spray of the water so they're both just close and warm.

The kiss shouldn't be a surprise but it is and he folds Natasha in his arms and kisses her like it's his next breath of air. She has her body pressed up against him and she's slick from water and smooth skin.

He runs his hands down her back to put them at her hips but doesn't move them any lower right now, just wanting to make sure that they're both okay with touching more.

She's surprised when he pulls her into the kiss but melts into it a little bit enjoying it. It's soft and slow and lazy like they have no where to be, or anything to do, which she supposes is exactly right. She has a few days here in Wakanda, even if she hadn't been planning on it, but things were going much better then the last time.

When the kiss breaks she gives him a grin.

"I can tell you wanna grab my ass, it's okay, James. You can do whatever feels right to you."

Bucky laughs at that and ducks his head a little, embarrassed at being caught out. Maybe he shouldn't because she wants to be in a relationship with him and this is apparently not the first time they've done this but it's the first time he remembers it and is doing it as himself.

He slides his hands down to her ass, though, and squeezes her ass before kissing her again.

"Am I that easy to read?"

She's torn between pressing her ass back into his hands and forward into his body, feeling him turned on. She gives in and presses her ass back into his hand. She leans in to give his jaw a couple of kisses.

"I have the advantage of knowing your body language..." she says teasingly before asking. "If you don't want me to assume these things though, you can tell me how you want me to take care of your little attention seeking bit there.."

"Oh, so it's attention seeking now? Good to know," Bucky says, laughing softly. Bucky squeezes her ass and then reaches for his soap because he wants to feel her skin all soaped up and slick against his hand.

"Let me wash your back where you can't reach," he says, stroking her skin. "Charity and all of that."

"Your dick against my stomach? Yeah it seems like it wants attention..." she teases him and gives his lips a quick peck before she turns around for him, letting him wash her back because that's what he wants. She's not going to stop from giving him what he wants, besides it feels nice to have those hands on her.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure you're just touching me for charity, absolutely nothing in it for you at all, Darling?"

"No, it's completely for charity," Bucky deadpans. It's not and they both know it but it's fun to play at it. It's strange to shower with a woman and not actually have sex, he guesses, but he's enjoying this time with Natasha just as it is.

He pulls her back against him, feeling the softness of her body up against his dick. He dips his head down to kiss her neck, lips soft.

She tilts her head to give him more access to kiss her neck, because damn that feels good. She lets out a gentle moan at the attention leaning her body back into him more. The only issue with this is that she can't get her hands onto him and she wants to properly.

"James if you keep that up I am going to want a lot more then just a shower..."

Bucky lifts his head and kisses again, this time right below her ear. She says she'll want a lot more than just a shower and Bucky doesn't know if he is ready for that yet but he does want to keep kissing her and touching her.

"I'm working on what I'm comfortable with," Bucky says. "But I'm not counting it out."

She bites her lower lip, trying to hold bag a groan of a reaction when he kisses such a sensitive spot and whispers against his ear. She's trying to be good and not pressure him but it's so easy to get turned on by those fingers and hands over him.

"And that's okay, but I'm warning you that it's making me turned on..." she murmurs softly.

"Well, what if I just touched you? Would that be all right?"

Bucky doesn't think he's ready to have full on sex without worrying about how he performed or if he stands up to his past self but he can get Natasha off, he thinks, and he wants her to feel good about taking a chance with him. It's easier to give than receive for him at this point in time, he thinks.

He slides his right hand lower, palm flat against her.

"You can always touch me.. if that's what you want," she moans and moves to turn in his arms a little bit. She gets an arm around his shoulders so she can press her face into his shoulder and lean into him to show him that she's enjoying the idea very much.

"Do you have any idea how sexy I find you, James?"

"Yes and no," Bucky admits. She's told him, of course, but he's still finding his feet and trying to get comfortable in his body again and part of that is getting comfortable with the idea of being intimate with someone again. Being the Fist of HYDRA had done a lot of damage to him in a lot of ways.

"Do you mind telling me about it?"

She presses a couple kisses to his neck while he asks that, pressing closer to him trying to reassure him how much she's into him. She nips at his shoulder playfully before pulling back from the skin enough to answer the question.

"The way you touch me, the steam behind those blue eyes that look like they could pierce my soul... " she starts with things that are less physical but then can't help but add. "And your goddamn perfect cock that I just want to drop to my knees and wrap my lips around and worship."

Honestly, Bucky doesn't expect her to just come out and say it like that but it feels damn good to hear it. It's clear Natasha loves his body but she also loves how he looks at her, how he touches her, how he just is and those things mean more to him.

"I think it's stupid to say I didn't expect you to say something like that," Bucky says. "But goddamn it was hot to hear it. It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world."

She tips her head up and leans in to give him a few kisses, deeper this time, more hot passionate ones. The kind that are more desperate, hot, trying to keep that feeling of him being on top of the world going. She gets a hand up into his ponytail to fist before she pulls back with a groan.

"I really think you should let me suck your cock then, because I'm really good at it, and I need you to know that."

Bucky knows his eyes are a little wide because he doesn't remember anything sexual that wasn't against his will (even though he's had dreams about times with Natasha and he believes her when she says they were together) so he doesn't want to get upset when she's in the middle of it.

But he wants it. He more than wants it. Maybe if it's not full intercourse he'll do better with it. Small steps.

"Yeah. I want you to. Please?"

She grins back at him when he responds like that and gives him another couple kisses for good measure. She'd been happy to be in the shower until this point but she's ready to draw the line here. She's not getting her hair wet.

"Okay then let's go to your bed, because I don't wanna get my hair wet and it'll be way more comfortable."

Bucky laughs at that and turns off the shower. Somehow they've managed not to get their hair wet and he thinks that's a miracle in and of itself. He grabs a towel to dry himself off and then hands one to Natasha so she can do the same before heading back to the bedroom.

The bed's plenty big enough for two, especially considering that Natasha is a hell of a lot smaller than him, but Bucky feels a little strange just flopping on the bed naked. Still, he wants it, so he gets over it and lays back against the bed.

Natasha brushes the towel over herself quickly before dropping it on a chair as she follows him to the bed. She crawls on top of him, straddling his waist as she leans in to press kisses to his lips lovingly, starting to work up the tension that was lost in th shower. She takes one of his hands as they kiss and guide it up to her breast to let him feel them, encouraging him to explore her body on his own.

"You are so gorgeous, I'm going to eat you up."

It feels good to be complimented like this and it doesn't take long for Bucky to get into the mood again. She guides his hand up and he cups her breast in his hand while putting the left at her waist. God, Natasha is beautiful, and he can't believe she's interested in him of all people.

Except that she'd met another side of him, a part that's still in there, and Bucky hopes he can find it again.

"You're so beautiful," he murmurs, capturing her lips again.

She has a hand on his shoulder the other stroking over his chest as they kiss. Her fingers just exploring all the skin, touching places that she was sure hadn't been touched in a long time, taking her time as she kisses him back deepening it a bit more.

God she could kiss him forever. While she's doing that she starts to rock her hips slowly, grinding down against his hips with no care that there's no fabric between them. Normally she'd save something like this for a clothed make out session. However she wants to make him feel good, and it absolutely makes her feel good. She moans gently into the kiss to assure him of that.

It feels good when Natasha rocks her hips against him and Bucky tips his head back in a low moan. He had told himself that he wouldn't have intercourse with her because he wasn't ready and while Bucky thinks he's going to stick with that for now, it feels damn good to have Natasha grinding against him.

"I didn't want to...I wanted to take it slow," he murmurs. "I want to make sure it's right before I go all the way. I don't want to hurt you."

She breaks the kiss enough to bring her hand that was wandering his chest up to her cheek and brush a thumb over his lower lip as she looks at him with hungry eyes.

"No one said we had to have sex... could just get off like this even..." she says voice low and hot. She actually intends to slip down and suck him off in a bit, but sometimes she likes to get herself all worked up too.

"Do you want me to stop it?"

"No, no, I don't want you to stop," Bucky says. He thinks he even sounds nervous which is probably not good. He's enjoying himself, more than enjoying, but it's also kind of overwhelming at the same time. He puts his hands at her hips and cups them so he can rock up against her.

"It just feels like a first time for me, that's all. I haven't had sex in a long time."

He knows, he knows he and Natasha were together but he doesn't remember and this feels like the first time he's wanted it and chosen it since 1945.

She slows her hip movements, but doesn't pause as she strokes over his cheek. He's over thinking it and it's a mess. She's rushing through her head trying to think on how to fix this situation and she just sighs against his lips.

"My darling, how do we get you to turn off your brain and just feel?" She asks but she's not looking for an answer to the question.

Instead she just reaches between them and wraps a hand around his cock and gives it a few strokes long and slow.

"Should I do this? Tell you how good your cock feels when I grind against it? Make a bigger mess of it all?" She's listing off possibilities between kisses, but the only thing she's doing is stroking him with her hand.

"I just need to relax, I know," Bucky says. Then his breath comes sharp because Natasha's wrapped her hand around his cock and it feels so good that he doesn't even know what to do. It's been so long since he's been touched that he feels like he's going to catch fire.

"Please don't stop touching me? Please?"

If she stops touching him, he'll die.

"I got you.." she reassures him and keeps stroking him. It's at that time she leans in to start kissing him, hoping that if she can occupy his mouth it will help occupy his brain a little bit.

Her strokes are long, slow, but firm. It only takes a few times before she stops for a moment and reaches between her own legs to coat her fingers before wrapping them back around them letting him clearly know how wet he has made her. Once she's stroking him again she breaks the kiss.

"I know you love this... you can let go at any time baby."

Bucky's brain is going a million miles a minute but then Natasha is kissing him and it seems to just stop for a while. She has her hand wrapped around his cock and then she does something that just makes him short-circuit -

She reaches between her own legs and wets her fingers before wrapping them around him again. God, she wants him. She wants him.

Bucky kisses her hard and when he comes, it feels like the weight of the world is finally off his shoulders. Jesus Christ. Finally.

She grins against the kiss as he comes, jerking his hips up into her hand and keeps stroking him all the way through it. She only breaks it once she's sure he's done and pulls back to grin at him.

"Mmm. Do you feel better now baby?" She asks all soft, voice fond like she doesn't want to overwhelm him with the options. She shifts off him and moves to lay down next to him, unbothered by the mess that is her hand she just lays it on Bucky's chest where half of his come ended up anyways.

"Yeah," Bucky says. "I do feel better. A lot better." Nothing happened to him when he was with her and he feels closer to Natasha, not violated. It's...good. It's good to share that with someone again.

"I didn't do anything for you, though," he murmurs. "I have to do something about that. I can't just...not. You deserve it."

She presses closer to him and nuzzles at his jawline. It doesn't bother her if she doesn't get off, really at all. She's in no rush, and she still felt really good grinding on him.

"If you wanna get me off, I can show you one of my favorite old tricks we used to do?" She asks curiously but doesn't make an effort to move away from him right now she's just happy to be close and laying half on top of him.

"I think I would be interested in seeing that, actually," Bucky says, laughing warmly. "If it's something really weird, though, I'm going to question the other half of myself and his preferences."

Or maybe not because clearly it was something they did together and Natasha had enjoyed it.

"What did we used to do?"

She giggles at that, the idea that it’s somehow very weird is amusing to her. The craziest they got was hushed quickies in places they could get caught.

“Sit up against the headboard because you are very much going to enjoy the show, I promise…” she says moving to push to sit up and kneel on the bed next to him.

Bucky moves up back against the headboard and settles himself, enjoying how beautiful Natasha looks. He'd have to be blind not to enjoy it and she says he'll enjoy the show and he wonders, exactly, what kind of show he's going to get.

"All right, I guess I'm gonna see a show."

“Gimme your left hand…”

She crawls over his lap to straddle him, taking his hand and holding it out. She adjusts to fingers and a thumb into the right position and slides slowly onto the fingers, adjusting his thumb a little bit to get it just right as she starts to grind slowly against his thumb hips rolling in an easy pattern as she grins down at him.

“God I forgot how good this could be …”

Bucky is a little shocked. He's never looked at his left hand as anything but monstrous and now, with Wakandan help, it's a tool to be used but seeing it as an object to be used during sex is something else entirely. He's not actually sure what he feels about it.

Natasha certainly feels a way about it, though, because her face shows she's enjoying it and he thinks he needs to just relax and go with it. If she's enjoying it, after all, shouldn't he be enjoying it too?

“Can you feel anything with this one?” She asks curiously as she just slowly rides his hand, putting on a little bit of a show for him. This had all started with him years ago when he figured out the lack of fatigue with it meant he could absolutely drive her nuts with orgasm after orgasm. That was when they had the rare chance to take their time on each other.

She reaches for his other hand and brings it to one of he breasts that bounce with each thrust of her hips. She’s just trying to make him relax and properly enjoy it cause she still can’t figure out if he is.

It's better when he's touching her and Bucky lets himself get more into it, rolling his thumb against her nipple and arching his own hips up a bit while she balances on his arm. When she asks if he can feel anything, he shakes his head.

"No, I can't feel anything," he says. It's wistful, though, because he wishes that he could.

“You’d feel how damn wet you make me…” she reassures him and starts to rock a little quicker against him, like she’s urgent and horny after all of this. Because honestly she is.

“You used to like to watch me do this for hours, orgasm after orgasm ….”

Bucky is trying to imagine that. He watched her for hours and hours while she got off on his left hand? This is...a lot. Still, if it's her thing, it's her thing.

And it definitely looks like her thing.

"What kinda stuff did I used to say to you? Did I teach you English dirty words?"

The reaction in his face is enough to slow her motions and slip off his hand moving to lay on the bed as next to him. She doesn't pull away from him, it's not an effort to run away, but it's too much to want to feel good anymore and she just goes quite, not answering the question. She tugs at a blanket to pull it over her, in a sign that she had no intention of running off, but she just closes her eyes and tries to brace herself again.

It had gone from so much fun, to trying to continue it after he came and she feels gross now.

"Natasha...shit. This is why I was afraid," Bucky says softly. "Because I'm not him. I'm not him and I hurt you."

God, he doesn't even know what to do. He doesn't even know what to do. He doesn't want Natasha to feel unwanted by him, especially when she'd made him feel so wanted before.

"I'm sorry."

"Just shut up for a second please..." she sighs and as takes a deep breath and let's her emotions settle. Trying to calm all the stupid bullshit that things like hormones do to your head, it's why emotions are dangerous when they interact with sexual things. That's why she never did things with anyone that she actually liked. Meaningless sex, that was what was safe.

It's a long moment before she turns on her side so she can look over at him.

"This has absolutely nothing to do with you not being him, please stop using that as an excuse."

"I'm not comfortable with the same things he apparently loved," Bucky says softly. "And I ruined it for you and I'm sorry. There's stuff I do like, though. Things I know I like. I can...I can make it better."

Bucky just wants to make Natasha happy and he feels like he's let her down just now.

"And that's okay that you don't like the same things..." she says with a sigh bringing her hand up to cover her eyes in frustration. She's not going to get mad at say things that will hurt him even though in some minds she wants to because it feels like she's dealing with a toddler.

"You don't have to be, but you can't look at me like I'm fucking horrible James. You just have to say things. Change the action on whatever it is... You're allowed to be different but you can't judge me for it. You have to use your goddamn words."

"I didn't realize I was looking at you like that. I didn't mean to," Bucky says. God, he's really fucked it up, and now he doesn't know what to do. Flipping her over to go down on her is probably not going to solve the problem at all and he thinks it might make it worse.

"And I'm not ever going to judge you for anything. You like what you like, Natasha. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't judge you for what you like, I promise I don't."

It's a long pause and a sigh before she sits up, holding her blanket across her body to hide it and she is just glaring daggers into his eyes.

"You are not listening to me. Stop it. Stop it!" She adds the second one with emphasis. His lack of ability to communicate is driving her nuts at this point and she just shakes her head.

"I don't give a shit that you're not him. I don't give a shit that I didn't get off. I do give a shit that you just keep apologizing and won't fucking talk to me. Be you! Talk to me! Just fucking give me a chance and stop trying to be so sure you know what I want, you fucking idiot."

Bucky blinks a little, taken aback that Natasha has yelled at him and called him a fucking idiot. He hadn't expected that, honestly, and he doesn't really know what to do with it. He's been apologizing because he had done something wrong but now he's not supposed to apologize?

"What am I supposed to say? The woman I'm falling in love with tells me this is how she wants to get off and I do it but it's strange to me because I've never done it before," Bucky says. He knows he's raising his voice and he shouldn't.

"I just want to be with you, Natasha. That's all. I keep fucking it up because I'm scared. You mean everything to me."

"Sweetheart, no..." she softens looking at him gently his reaction taking her aback a little bit. "I didn't want to do it just because I love it, I was trying to show you something because you keep talking about memories and I was trying to help you with that..." she sighs.

It had been something simple because grinding on him had felt good, so the continuation of that had made sense for her. It obviously hadn't for him however.

"How about instead of being scared, and guessing. You just tell me -- you were uncomfortable. What made you uncomfortable about it? Was it because you'd already come?"

"No, it's because it's my left hand," Bucky says quickly. "Doesn't matter to me which order we come in as long as everyone has a good time. But my left hand...I only ever use it to hurt people or now it's just a tool. I don't look at it or think about it as a sexual object."

Bucky sighs a little. "But I didn't want to disappoint you because you said you liked it so much and we used to do it together. That's all."

"It's not, but even if it was -- this arm is not. This arm is brand new and to be used for whatever you want to use it for James.." she says softly.

"I'm not afraid of this arm, and I'm not afraid of the other one either," She assures her and leans in to lean against his shoulder to try to give him some affection. "It's not some sexual object, it's just a part of you, but if you don't want me to touch it because it makes you uncomfortable."

She lightens the conversation by adding, "It's just the same about if I was like, please don't touch my ass I don't like that."

"Yeah, that's kinda what it's like," Bucky says quietly. "I should have just said something. I just didn't want to disappoint you because it was something you used to do with him."

Bucky has to separate it that way because he doesn't remember that time and he can't pretend that he does and hurt them both.

"But next time I'll speak up if it's something I don't like."

She leans into him a little bit more and takes his flesh hand squeezing it.

"But I don't want to have sex with him, I want to have sex with James. It feels like you can't trust me on this and it's frustrating to me..." she admits, but her thumb is stroking over the back of his hand.

"You didn't want to have sex with me, so I offered something else, it's okay -- I don't react badly to a change of plans, I was okay with not having sex, why wouldn't I be okay with a different way to get off? It hurts that you don't trust me."

"I do trust you," Bucky assures her. "And I'm sorry it doesn't seem like that. I think we need to just bury him like an ex. I'm always going to wonder if I'm good enough to compete to myself and I'm always going to lose. But if he's someone else that's gone, I'm different. I'm another person. So if you want to be with James, you have James."

Bucky hopes this fixes the problem. Maybe if he doesn't think about the previous him, it will be all right.

"Is that all right? Can we do that?"

She doesn't let go of his hand, she's trying to assure him that she's there for him. She is, so the question catches her off guard. She's not particularly sure what he means in that way so instead she just turns a little bit to look at him.

"What exactly do you mean by that, James?"

"I want you to treat me like I'm brand new. We're getting to know one another because I'm still learning you, Natasha, but you already know a completely different version of me. I don't remember that person no matter how hard I try. I want to be James, your boyfriend. I don't want to fight with the past."

Bucky doesn't know if that makes sense to Natasha but it's the only way he can think to explain it.

"I do treat you like you're brand new," she protests and looks at him for a moment before dropping his hand.

"But I'm sorry, I can't, I wont, and I refuse to let you pretend that in your history you have been nothing but a monster who is worth killing. I refuse to cross that line just because you can't remember it. I will wait forever, and I will love you for who you are now. I will not burry my past."

She drops his hand and looks at him with a frown.

"If you want me to leave I understand."

"I don't want you to leave."

Bucky doesn't think it's right for a man to cry and he doesn't really want to do it but he hopes that if he tips his face down a bit, she won't notice it. Then again, she's a spy, so she'll know just by the sound of his voice, won't she?

"I just can't get it right, you know? Let me try again, Natasha. I'll give you a nice date tomorrow, yeah? Do you trust me?"

"If you don't want me to leave, then I won't leave," she says like it's the simplest thing in the world. She reaches back for his forearm and gives it a squeeze.

"James, you'll get it right. Just think about me, don't think about him," she reassures him and sighs. It's like he's more hung up on that then being here in the moment with her. It was obvious with that when they were messing around.

"I don't need a date, but I'll go -- I just need you to concentrate on being with me. I keep telling you this, to feel. James, I don't even know how else to say it."

"Yeah, I know. I'm just fucked in the head," Bucky says. "I have to stop thinking and just start feeling."

Bucky reaches up and strokes her hair, letting the strands play over his fingers. He loves her hair, glossy and smooth, and he wishes he could touch it all the time.

"Can I turn off my brain? Is there a switch?"

Natasha leans into the touches of her hair. It feels relaxing in some of the best ways honestly. She takes a moment and tugs the blanket from the bed to wrap it around her completely so that when she moves to crawl into his lap there's a blanket between them, making sure it doesn't seem sexual.

She lays her head on his shoulder and is quite for a moment when she tries to think of the answer.

"You did a good job when your dick was hard, but obviously outside of that we have a problem. I think we need to work on your impulses though, if you just... do what you want as opposed to thinking about things it might help?"

"When you say it that way, it sounds like I'm extremely selfish," Bucky says, laughing nervously. "That I'm good when I'm getting something for myself but I fall apart when I go to pleasure my girl. We've gotta fix that problem."

Bucky would do it now but he thinks it's better that they have this time to touch and talk and cuddle.

She giggles at that, because it's not what she had been suggesting at all. She leans in closer and nuzzles her face into his neck fondly to hide just how funny she thinks it is.

"I more meant, maybe when all the blood rushed from your head to your dick it kept you from thinking as much."

Bucky laughs at that, an actual full laugh, and he shakes his head. Of course. He's much better at everything when his brain's turned off.

"So I guess we just have to keep me horny all the time so I won't think about anything, yeah?"

"Well figure out other things too okay..." She reassures him but she smiles against his neck when she hears the actual laugh. It feels relaxing too.

"You did pretty good when we were watching movies too, because I think they helped you keep your mind on something else too."

"I think so, yeah. I've got to keep my brain occupied on other things," Bucky says.

"Maybe I should occupy myself with your beautiful face, huh? Every time I look at you, I do seem to forget how to talk."

“You’re sweet…” she can’t argue with him being cute like that and leans her head up to kiss his cheek.

“How about we drag blankets over to the couch and marathon a tv show until we both pass out on top of each other for now though?”

"No," Bucky says, giving her a soft look. "I wanna do something else right now. I want to take care of you."

He wants to make up from earlier but more than that, he just wants to know he can make her feel good. He wants to know that he can get her off.

"Can I do that?"

Well, she’d said he should act and do what he wants so she can’t really argue with that. She pulls back to look at him.

“Oh I think I’d probably say yes to that, I did say you should do what it is you want, didn’t I?”

"You did say I should do what I want," Bucky says, smiling brightly then. "And what I want is to get you off. And I think I'm just smart enough to figure out how to do that."

Bucky leans in and kisses her softly. "C'mere, get under me."

She leans into the kiss a little bit and then wriggles in his lap teasingly for just a second, like she's going to deny the request before she gets off his lap to settle on the bed and pulls Bucky on top of her. She's nervous, not sure that she can get into this mood so quickly again, but she's willing to give him a go.

"Oh you're giving orders now are you?"

"Just for now," Bucky says, leaning in to kiss her again. He hopes he can do something for Natasha, anything, because if he can't get her off he's not really sure what he's going to do with himself.

He keeps it to kissing for just the moment but he reaches down to tug her thighs a little wider so he fits between them better.

"Guess I'll let you..." she says with a grin.

She's easily malleable under his hands and parts her legs carefully as she wraps her arms up around his neck, getting a hand in his hair. It's easy to get lost kissing him, but this time it's slow and lazy, and she's letting him lead. It's a far distance from the desperate quick kisses that she had in the shower, however it's no less interested, just different.

Bucky takes his time with just kissing, trying to relax himself and feel Natasha relax beneath him too. He slips his mouth from hers to kiss her neck and murmurs in the crook there between neck and shoulder.

"I wanna taste you. I didn't get to before," he says, soft and low. There's nobody that could hear them regardless but even still, he wants to keep it intimate and it feels more intimate like this with his voice soft and his body pressed up against hers.

She tilts hear head to the side to give him more access to the spot on her neck he's working on, letting out a soft sigh that makes it sound like she's relaxing very well. Her body softens a bit, though not completely under him. It shudders a little bit when he says what he wants to do.

It shouldn't catch her that off guard, he always used to love to do that anywhere and everywhere when they knew each other before. Surely, some things had stayed the same.

"Mmm, okay but it's not my fault if you get hard doing it..." she protests.

"Well, I can deal with it if it happens," Bucky murmurs. "And it probably will. But this is about you, not me."

Bucky slips down and kisses between her breasts and then down her abdomen where there's flat muscle there under the softness of her. There's no doubt in his mind she could have him dead in two minutes flat - especially when he moves lower and gets his head between her thighs. She's already tried to kill him this way twice and almost succeeded. It'd be a damn good way to go.

Bucky kisses her hips, taking his time with it. This isn't just to do something and exchange favors, it's something he wants to do, and he wants to savor it. When he finally gets his mouth on her, it's soft, and he doesn't push it too fast to make it end too quickly. No, he wants to spend time on her.

"Go on then..." she says, she almost adds soldier to the list but her brain stops it before she can. Her hand goes down to grip in his hair with a squeeze, not pushing him down further but also not hesitating to encourage the action. She pulls up her knees and spreads her legs wider to give him space, feet going flat against the bed.

It's intense, she hadn't fully been ready but her body both relaxes and tightens for him in the best of ways he makes her stomach do black flips in delight.

Bucky has plenty of room now and he curls his left hand around her thigh and slides his right down to spread her a little wider for him so he can lick at her lazily. He wants to find the places that make her gasp, the places that make her toes curl, and to do that he has to take his time.

He doesn't remember doing this even though he knows he has before and so it feels new, in a way. It feels like something he's only done with her. His memories of sex are all hazy and the only clear ones are the ones with Natasha in them.

It's slow and lazy and feels great. She's fairly quite but when he gets good spots she'll do things like tug on his hair, or let gentle moans escape her lips. It's clear she's extremely into it, but not too eager. Simply, she's wanting to let him enjoy himself as much as she has.

"Mmm, you're really good at that.." she murmurs between gentle moans making sure he knows how much she likes it.

Bucky likes hearing that he's good because even if he knows, logically, he's had sex more recently than eighty years ago, it doesn't feel like it so he's glad he hasn't forgotten how to do this right. It's especially good to know since he and Natasha haven't exactly gotten off on the right foot in bed.

She's been vocal enough that he knows where the good spots are and he focuses, sucks against her clit a little and works one of his fingers in to add to it. Maybe it's not what they were doing before, the thing she wanted, but it's something that satisfies her all the same.

Natasha isn't great at laying still, and just enjoying. She's the kind of girl that likes to get on top, to jump him and tear off his clothes and be active but she's trying very hard to let him stay busy. When he starts to get all the right spots over and over she rocks her hips back against his mouth in a hungry way, groaning.

"James please...." she whines a little desperately at him.

It's clear that Natasha isn't the type to just lay back and play pillow princess which sort of makes him want to get her to do that even more. It doesn't always have to be about her doing something and she's absolutely allowed to just lay back and enjoy herself.

The way she's rocking up against his mouth is promising, though, and he works his fingers faster, too, and focuses his tongue on all the places she seems to be enjoying the best. He thinks he could do this for hours but Bucky hopes that Natasha will be coming sooner rather than later.

It doesn't take long after his fingers and mouth are working faster that she's coming for him. It's not one of those loud yells though, instead just her toes curling into the bed, back arching off as she let's out the softest whimper before collapsing back against the bed.

She doesn't have quite words to beg him yet as she catches her breath for a moment but her hand that has been tugging on his hair the whole time is pulling him up her body desperately trying to get him close for kisses and clinging.

Natasha is tugging him up by his hair and Bucky slides up to get close to her, grinning at her broadly.

"Guessing that was all right? No need for improvement?"

Bucky doesn't wait for confirmation before kissing her messily, passion making him sloppier than he might normally be. This feels good and right and he hopes they can have more of these moments and less of the uncertain ones like earlier.

She kisses him for a long while not even bothering to answer the question. It doesn't need to before she nudges him over a little bit onto his side silently, pressing closer to him and hiking a thigh up over his hip to drip over him as they tuck close against each other smiling at him softly when she settles like that.

"How do you feel, James?"

"Good," he says, laughing softly. "Real good, actually. That was fantastic." Bucky thinks he might have gotten more out of getting Natasha off than coming himself but he doesn't want to say anything out loud and ruin it.

"What about you? You sounded like you were having a great time but you know, can always hear it out loud."

She grins against his lips when he says that, before catching him for another kiss long, and slow before breaking it and looking at him. Close, sweet, but she can't help but press her hips up a little closer to him as they break with a wicked grin.

"It was good, but I also see I was right about something else as well..."

"Yeah, yeah, you were right," Bucky says but he grins when he does, amused about it. It's better like this and feels more natural than they felt earlier when they were fumbling around.

"You love it when you're right, don't you?"

"I love being right," she agrees and nips his lower lip before hiking her thigh up over his hip a little bit more to give him some access. A hand comes up to stroke along his cheek as he looks at him before saying in a very serious tone.

"I got somewhere perfect for you to put that you know."

"I bet you do," Bucky says, rolling his eyes. It's playful, though, and the way she's shifting means he has easy access to guide his cock into her. It feels so good, too good, and he takes a sharp breath and just stays still for a moment.

"Give me a second. Been a long time."

If she had been eager and pushy when he was going down on her all that stills and she is able to keep still for him. Her arm slides up around his neck, leaning his head forward and just letting the softest gasp out as he slides in and stills.

"Take as long as you need.. that feels real nice..." she murmurs against his lips reassuringly.

"Just need to remember what it feels like," Bucky says softly. He moves then, though, because staying still isn't enough for him and he's sure it isn't enough for Natasha either. Maybe he's done this more recently than 1945 but it doesn't feel like it to him.

"Feels damn good," he says, kissing her quickly.

"Yeah you feel so good in me, James..." she murmurs moving to pull away from the kiss so she can burry her face into his neck starting to kiss there. She's clinging to him, soft and easy and vulnerable in a way she hasn't been with him yet.

"Take all the time you need, just do what feels good."

Bucky doesn't want it to end too quickly so he keeps his pace slow, rocking into her steady. Natasha has her face buried against his neck and he likes that, loves how intimate it feels.

"I want to be the best you've ever had," he confesses. "I want you to only ever want me."

"I do..." she murmurs softly against his neck. She had wondered if doing this would take her back to old times if she'd been remembering them like that but she wasn't, she was here and with him and it was perfect. She shifts her hips just a tiny bit to adjust the angle and moans softly when it hits just the right spot.

"You fit perfect right here.." she assures him.

"Good."

Bucky isn't exactly thinking so much as feeling at the moment and everything he feels is good. Amazing, really, because he's never been attracted to someone the way he's attracted to Natasha.

Natasha has shifted her hips and he's hitting her deeper now than before and it's almost too much. He knows he's making strangled sounds that sound pathetic but he doesn't care.

She pulls back and presses her forehead against his, a hand going to his cheek to cup there. She kisses him a couple times between their moans and groans just trying to explain without words, to make him feel wanted in a way that she hasn't been able to with him before.

It's been hard, it's been weird, but more then all this, this is good.

"Whenever you're ready..." she moans reassuringly against his lips.

Bucky is more than ready, honestly, but he has been holding it back for as long as he can so it won't be over. He just wants it to last forever. It's not gonna last forever, though, and when he comes, he ends up moaning low and buries his face against her neck.

"I'm falling in love with you," he murmurs. "Maybe I was already in love with you and didn't remember. I don't know. It's hard to explain."

She presses closer to him just sticking close not even moving. She presses a kiss to her lips, his nose, then his forehead and sighs softly. It doesn't matter, whichever those are it doesn't matter.

"You don't have to explain..." she says it really soft, fond, trying to make sure that it helps him relax a little more. "Whatever it is I'm good with. I'm here."

"Don't think I could explain it if I tried," Bucky says, glad she doesn't want him to explain it better than he did. He enjoys the attention he's getting right now, though, and it's good.

"I know I want you to stay, though. For right now - for tonight."

"Babe, you'd have to physically throw me out to get rid of me tonight.." she says pressing a couple more kisses to his forehead before going back down to his lips for a long slow one.

"I can only stay for a couple days, but until then you're stuck with me, okay?" she offers him fondly stroking a thumb across his cheek.

"I know I can't keep you here forever," Bucky says. "The world needs you, after all. They don't need me right now."

Eventually, the world might want him to leave Wakanda and do something in service to the Avengers or whoever might handle a threat but for now, he can rest and heal and maybe work on this with Natasha.

"I would keep you, though, if I could."

“Darlin’ I am part of the whole world, and I need you I promise,” she says softly and leans in to kiss him softly clinging to him a little bit before pulling back with a grin. “Next time I’m going to need you to have ice cream ready to feed me after as though…”

She grins a little wickedly teasing him as she says it.

“You’ll learn I have a horrible sweet tooth…”

"Oh, right, I didn't have appropriate post-sex snacks. I should have thought about that," Bucky says, laughing a little. "Next time I'll be sure to have ice cream for you. And popcorn. And whatever else you want."

Bucky thinks he has a snack shortage, actually, and that's probably because he has to eat constantly to keep his metabolism from burning him alive.

"Some people smoke after sex but I guess we're eating ice cream?"

“Well, I will forgive you because I’m pretty sure you had no idea I’d be here today …” she murmurs nipping at his jaw playfully. “Next time though there’s expectations that your girlfriends gonna get spoiled when she gets her you got it?”

She’s actually not serious about the spoiled part but is about the snacks. They never had all they wanted to eat in the red room so snacks were very important. He used to sneak her some when he’d leave on missions and she stayed.

"I think I can manage to get some snacks in here," Bucky says. "It's not gonna be a problem. Besides, contraband is my expertise."

Bucky shifts a little so she can rest comfortably on his left shoulder and chest and he can touch her with his right hand.

"Just leave me a list of what you want."

It’s easy to settle in next to him, natural, like they had never stopped doing this from any amount of time. She closes her eyes and listens to his breath a hand resting on his chest just melting there.

“Hm? What do you mean by contraband bring expertise?” She asks curiously.

"Oh, you know, in the war I was always getting shit that should have cost entirely too much money or shouldn't be available at all," Bucky says, grinning at her.

"You know how much a pair of stockings went for in 1943? I was rolling in money before I shipped out. Had my own little black market deals running. That's how I had condoms when all of them got shipped off to the Army for the morale."

Bucky thinks for a moment. "Shit. I didn't use one. That was fucking stupid of me."

Natasha loves learning about the things he did before he knew her. Sure she'd heard some from Steve in the past but it wasn't the same. This was all different and it was amusing for her. It was similar to how he used to sneak her gifts in the room as well and that makes her smile.

Then he gets nervous and she reaches a hand up to comb through his hair.

"Don't worry about it -- the Red Room made sure that would never be a worry again, for every girl that came through there." She says it softly, trying to keep her composure, not letting it bother her -- it didn't most of the time, but it was still awkward to mention.

"That's...awful," Bucky says, eyes soft with concern. He hadn't known that about Widows but it makes sense, given what they do and how they have to do it sometimes. He wonders if the him from before worried about her whenever she had to do those kinds of things and while she's stroking his hair, he decides to just ask.

"Was I worried whenever you had to do missions that involved potentially having sex with a mark? Or jealous? I just feel like I would have been afraid for you," he says.

It's easy to tell him these things, share these parts with him and she just runs her fingers through his hair a little more. She tips her head up to look at him when he asks that and gives him a smile.

"You were always worried about me, even though you always told me you knew I was capable. It wasn't that you were afraid I wasn't good enough, just that you were afraid for me..." she trails off giving him a soft smile.

"I don't think I ever noticed you feeling jealous though, so if you did you hid it well. Mostly concern, and a desire to go cut off the heads of any men who made me feel bad. Even if you couldn't do that."

"Yeah, I don't think I would be jealous. We do what we have to do," Bucky says. "And it wasn't chosen. Being afraid makes sense, though, and so does being protective. That's how I feel now. I don't want you to ever have to be that vulnerable with someone again. I know you're good at your job but there's a different kind of vulnerability when someone is having sex with you."

He sighs a little and runs his fingers down her skin.

"I can't help but worry."

She can't help but let herself melt into him a little bit when he says that. There's feelings there, more then she could have remembered and she nods leaning in to give him a soft gentle kiss.

"Don't worry, I don't do missions like that anymore," she reassures him hand coming back down from his hair to stroke over his cheek.

"Now I just tease them that they think they can get that far and instead slit their throats."

"Good. Guys like that deserve it," Bucky says. He doesn't like to say anyone deserves death but they do. Men who take advantage of women always deserve what they dish out.

"I'll worry because I'm me but I'll worry less because I know how capable you are at what you do."

She strokes a thumb over his cheek, it's easy to fall into that. He's sweet, and it's been a long time since anyone was worried about her safety and not just the mission or whatever what was involved.

"Well it'll just have to be more motivation, for you to get out there with me. Always can use someone to have my back you know, especially if it means, I get to get good dick after."

Bucky laughs at that, soft and warm. "Is that what I am? Good dick? I'll have to add that to my resume."

He's not sure what his resume looks like at this point in his life but he's pretty sure it's mostly to do with murder and infiltration and less about his skills in bed.

"What's some other things I've got?"

“Oh you’re definitely good at giving dick — also at eating me out — that was pretty great,” she says before giving his lips a soft kiss reassuring him.

“You’ve also got soft eyes, and warm, amazing arms that fit around me perfect- and pretty god damn good skills in movie marathons.”

"Man, all these specific skills. I never knew I was so good at all those things," Bucky says. He tightens his arms around her, though, because he wants to hold her close. He feels good knowing that she likes sex with him because he doesn't have a lot of practice on that front (recently, anyway) so at least he's on the right track there.

"Good enough at dick and eating out that you'll keep coming to visit me, I hope? Because it gets real lonely out here, Natasha. It's just me and the goats."

“You’re good at hitting targets, it’s no wonder you’re good at making women orgasm - or me anyways, fuck if I care if you’re good at other women…” she can’t help but tease him as she lets him pull her closer.

“Babe, I’d keep coming to see you no matter what — I just went on a mess of a mission to Siberia to get you that damn file,” she says nuzzling into his neck. “I promise I’ll keep coming by.”

Bucky nuzzles against her and laughs softly at his ability to hit targets being translated to making women come. Maybe that's accurate but he doesn't think those things are exactly the same skillset.

"I know you'll come back. It's just that I never get to have anything good in my life, you know? So I'm scared you won't come back."

“We can stay in touch, call you whenever I can, and try to make it down here more often…” she wants to tell him she can stay, but she can’t long term, there’s a lot of messes involved in what’s going on outside Wakanda and it’s not practical.

“I came for you before you even really knew who I was, didn’t I? I’m not giving up, James”

"Yeah. Maybe I need to get back into the world," Bucky says. "Maybe it's time for me to just...get back out there and do something about all these problems."

He doesn't know if he's ready for that, though. He doesn't know if he's ready to be a soldier again.

“Hey, not until you’re ready okay?” She reassures him tucking herself impossibly closer if there was any way to do it. “When you’re ready we will explore together but until then I’ll keep stoping by, maybe even teach you how to have phone sex…” she teases the end trying to get him to relax a bit, she doesn’t want to pressure him and the joke is an attempt at walking that back.

“I promise I’ll come as often as I can okay? I missed the shit out of you when I was in Russia last time too, it’s not just you”

Bucky huffs a laugh at the offer for phone sex. "You wouldn't survive phone sex with me. You'd get on a plane immediately and come back for my alleged good dick."

Still, it's good that Natasha seems to support him taking care of himself for a little while before getting back out in the field. He thinks it's probably the best for him, too.

"You'll always come back for me?"

The absolute giggle that rocks over Natasha’s body has her clinging to him and kicking one leg back in absolute amusement.

“Well it’s a good thing I know how to fly a plane if you’re gonna be that good at it, and here I thought I’d be teaching…”

She thinks about giving him a demanding kiss but then Bucky softens. He’s asking the far more intimate question and she pulls back just enough to look him in the eye.

“Always, James. You’re the love of my life, no matter what, me and you babe.”

"Good. As long as it isn't just my dick you come back for," he says softly. "But I don't mind that you like it, either. It feels...good, you know? To know I'm good at something."

Bucky knows he's good at a lot of things but hearing he's good in bed does a lot for a bruised ego.

"Me and you forever," he promises. "Until the end."

“Come on, you know it’s not just for the sex…” she laughs at that but considers rolling him over to lay more on him but instead just drapes a thigh over him and stenches out an arm.

“Do I seem like the type of girl who could stay with a guy just for sex ? I’m much more picky then just looking for a great dick, god I just forgot how much I liked sex until today”

"Well, if I reminded you much you like sex, you must have been completely bereft," Bucky says, laughing at that. Natasha can have whoever she wants whenever she wants them - man or woman - so the fact that she's hopeless for him stuns him a little.

"Surely you had other opportunities than the one-armed goat herder in Wakanda, yeah?"

“What can I say, you get your heart stolen and it’s hard to get over it — “ a pause before she grins and adds “same thing goes for an expert dicking.”

“But yes, lord knows there have been many and women who have tried to get me to sleep with them, most didn’t try the — what if we just shower naked nothing else”

Bucky rolls his eyes at that. "Look, it was just going to be a shower, okay? I didn't think we'd go any further but, you know. I'm not upset at the outcome either. I think we're good together."

Maybe he doesn't remember everything but maybe he never has to remember it either. She seems to like what she has.

"You're the one who wanted my dick."

She might have come to him because she loved him already, but she’s happy here with James, in his arms.

“You know, I’m never going to let you live it down so you might as well accept the fact that I’m going to tease you about it.”

She presses a couple kisses to his lips and smiles at him. “I will however admit that I was a sure thing for you the second I showed up at your hut.”

"Yeah, but I didn't know that," Bucky points out. "And I had no idea why you wanted to wash my hair or why you kissed me when you did it even if it was just a kiss on the shoulder. It makes a hell of a lot more sense now, though, and the next time you wanna do hair care, I'm ever your obedient servant."

He nuzzles against her hair a little and just enjoys holding her for a moment. Even this is just good, just holding her and being with her, and it might be better than the sex part.

"Will you keep coming back? Between work and stuff?"

“I’ll be here as often as I can, so you better stock up on snacks and things for us to do,” she tells him with a smile. “I’m sure I’ll have VIP status with all the stays I have here …” she can’t help but tease that Bucky’s place is like a hotel in that way.

“I like sex and bacon in the mornings — or at least I used to, I suppose that hasn’t changed over the years.”

"I'm a pancakes kinda guy," Bucky says. "And yeah, you have a VIP Club Card with Chez Bucky, don't you worry. All the free stays you could want for a lifetime and all the amenities."

He trails his fingertips along the curve of her waist. "All you gotta do is show up and I'll do the rest."

The giggle that escapes at that is audible as she pressed into his shoulder. “Well then it will be the perfect escape whenever I can get a break from my missions…”

She gets a little more serious once those are mentioned however, her head popping back up to look at him in warning. “I found something I’m not so sure about really, getting that file — a stone I uncovered but I think I need to follow up on. But I’ll come back after”

Bucky frowns a little, brows drawing together in thought. "Is it something you need to do by yourself or do you want me to go with you?"

Bucky hasn't had any desire to go on a mission or anything combat-related since the fight with Tony Stark but now, this, he feels like he might be a part of. It might be something that will unlock his memory and even if it isn't, Natasha could use the extra hand. Two heads are always better than one.

“Darling, you just said you weren’t ready to go do anything for a while?” She asks curiously. A hand goes up to run through his hair with a concerned look. It’s not that she wouldn’t he happy to take him, but she doesn’t want to push him.

“I’m still on the fact finding part of it all, nothing too urgent…”

"Well, no, but I don't want you out there alone if you need me," Bucky says. His face relaxes a little when she ruffles her hand through his hair and he closes his eyes, just enjoying the touch for now. It's good that they're on good terms now and not the way they were before but he's still...worried. He's always worried. About everything.

"But I know you can handle yourself."

“When you’re ready, I’ll be happy to have you by my side,” she whispers before giving his forehead a kiss, “not a second before though.”

Her fingers scratch into his hair reassuringly remembering how much he said he liked that attention.

“But you’re right, I can do everything alone. But once you’re ready I’ll be happy to be able to have sex in safe houses.” She can’t help but teasing him a little bit.

"Yeah? Not so safe houses then if we're fucking in them," Bucky teases. "I've been known to break beds in my day."

He pauses for a moment to see how the joke lands. "I mean, I have to have broken at least one bed in my life, right? If I haven't, we need to find a bed I don't care about breaking so I can make good on that promise and save my reputation."

Natasha laughs, she can't help but shake her head at how silly he is being. It's cute, and clearly it's kept his mind off some of the other things. Which she's grateful for.

"You wanna break a bed with me, Barnes?" She asks eyebrows raised, giving him a look that is absolutely a challenge to him. She's up for it sometime, clearly. She doesn't give any indication if they're already broken one, just enjoying the idea of challenging him.

"Yeah, if we can find one," Bucky says, laughing with her. "Gotta be a real sturdy one so I can show off a little. Don't want you thinking I'm weak or anything."

He's pretty sure nobody could think that, least of all Natasha, but it feels good to laugh in bed with her over something like this.

“Well, when you finally make it to New York and our date, I regret to inform you but my bed isn’t super breakable — plus I kinda like it..” she tells him tucking into his arms a little bit more.

“It’s only like, 7 pm. As much as I want to lay in bed with you all night, we could maybe relocate and work on our movie marathon?” She offers, although she could absolutely lay around with him for more hours.

"Oh, right, you came here for a reason and it didn't have to do with sleeping with me," Bucky says, laughing softly. He leans over and kisses her again, though, and that's not getting him out of bed any time soon. He pulls away to look at her.

"I guess I could concede to moving to the couch with snacks instead of laying around in bed naked."

"Just to be clear, I didn't mean to suggest at all that we needed to put on clothes or that I wouldn't spend the whole time on the couch laid out in your lap.." she says with a grin before leaning in to press a quick playful kiss to his nose.

"And yes, I came here to give you the stupid file... the sex was just a positive extra."

"Yeah, well, piling up on the couch naked sounds like a great idea," Bucky says, grinning wide. "I'll have to keep you warm with my accelerated metabolism."

"And I guess next time you'll have to bring me another file so we can have sex."

"Yeah well, how about you use that super strength and carry me over to the couch hmmm?" She says and leans her face into his neck to nuzzle a spot there before nipping it. The joke about the file makes her giggle though.

"And then you should cue up the most romantic movie you've got on that list."

"Yes, ma'am," Bucky says. It's nothing to pick Natasha up. She has muscle, certainly, but he could pick up three Natashas and not break a sweat so cradling just her in his arms is nothing.

When he gets back out to the couch, he sets her down carefully, and offers her a blanket before sitting down himself.

"Get in my lap and we'll watch something ridiculously sappy. Romantic comedy from the 90s?"

She's a little amused that he didn't just sit down and pull her right into his lap, but instead of asking she just takes the blanket and climbs right into his lap, sitting sideways on the couch so it's easy to lean her head on his shoulder and settles in.

"That sounds perfect, do you have a favorite one yet? I know you probably have only gotten to see a couple of them so far..." she says curiously. She wants to know everything about this version of him, including his taste in sappy movies.

"I've been working my way through Meg Ryan's entire filmography," Bucky says, laughing a little. "Sleepless in Seattle is the next one on my list so I guess that's where we start."

He likes the romantic ones almost as much as the heroic ones. He doesn't like war movies at all and sometimes the kids movies make him cry and he doesn't want to admit to that.

"We watched a Meg Ryan movie in a hotel on a mission one time," she tells him casually, it's not a pressure to remember anything just a reminder. "You started practicing some of the male leads line on me and asking if that'd really get a women to kiss you," she tells him snorting as she remembers.

"I shouldn't be surprised that you like her still, I haven't seen Sleepless in Seattle in years though, so it sounds great."

Bucky laughs. "I think some of the lines are cheesy but I used some in my day that weren't the best and still worked. I don't know how I managed to pull those women but for some reason they were interested."

Bucky messes around to get the movie pulled up and once it is, he pulls Natasha against him and holds her close, just enjoying the moment.

She settles into his lap comfortably and watches the movie for a good while. It’s silly and cute and she’s forgotten about a lot of it. When they get to a really cute scene where the leads mom is telling the story she remembers she laces their fingers together and squeezes them.

The TV says ‘ And then he held my hand. At one point I looked down and I couldn’t tell which fingers were his and which were mine. And I knew… I knew we would be together forever and that everything would be wonderful.’

Her heart races as she listens waiting to see if he squeezes back , or says anything or even notices that she set that up.

It's an opening if Bucky has ever had one and it requires no thought at all to squeeze Natasha's hand back just the way the line in the movie says. He doesn't remember this movie at all but clearly she does so maybe it was one of the ones they watched together all that time ago.

"I care about you so much, Natasha. I want to be like that. You know, the together forever and the wonderful stuff. Is that sappy of me?"

It wasn't one of the movies they'd watched, but she'd always watched more after her defection to SHIELD. They were things that reminded her of their time together, so she'd watched more of them, she found it relaxing oddly enough. Just like she did with the Bond movies.

Natasha shifts in his lap a bit, turning away from the film. She squeezes his hand right back, looking at him a little bit more carefully giving him a soft smile.

"James Buchanan Barnes, I waited for you to come out of the ice without even knowing your name, if that's not sappy I don't know what is."

"Fair. If I hadn't already hit quota for the day, I'd be blushing. You'd be crazy if you didn't think I wouldn't do the same for you, though. You are an absolutely fascinating woman," Bucky says.

"And you make it easy to fall in love."

“Oh sweetheart I know you would,” it’s an odd comment in some ways, she doesn’t know James that well that it’s really just a feeling. She leans in and gives his lips a peck before turning back into the spot where she can watch the movie. Eventually though, her face resting on his shoulder, tucked in soft she falls asleep, safe in his arms.

Natasha falls asleep and he just holds her for a little while before realizing that she's not gonna wake so he shifts her gently into his arms to carry her back to bed.

"Let's get you into bed," he says gently, putting her into bed and pulling the blankets up around her.

She grumbles sleepily curling closer against his chest as he lifts her and takes her to the bed. It takes a moment if being tucked in before her arms are reaching out making sure she’s curling up with James himself although once he settled behind her to spoon the grumbles turn into a happy sigh.

“You were the last man I did this with, just so you know,” she murmurs lovingly.

"Yeah? Well maybe I can be the only man you do it with for now on," Bucky says. He presses a kiss to the crook of her neck and shoulder, enjoying the sweet scent of her hair and skin.

"Even if it means you just have to keep bringing me old files from Siberia so you have a reason to visit."

"Yeah well, it's hard to trust people as a spy..." She murmurs sleepily before falling back to sleep. It's easy to do so like that, with him. The trust is somehow there even if they don't officially know each other very well.

In the morning when he's still asleep she slips out of his arms and pulls on one of his t-shirts that just grazes the top of her thighs like a big night shirt. She tidy's the couch and sets the table before starting to make breakfast with what she can find in the fridge.

Bucky doesn't sleep as light as he used to so when he wakes up to an empty bed, he frowns, and he hopes this doesn't mean that Natasha has left entirely. He pulls on his boxers and goes out into the kitchen, pleasantly surprised when Natasha is looking in the fridge.

"You looking to cook or just eat something quick? Because I've got cereal," Bucky says. "But we could make breakfast, too."

When she hears Bucky she grins, bending over a little more like she's looking deep in the fridge she shakes her ass a little bit, a widow can't help putting on a show for her long lost dead boyfriend when she knows he's got eyes on her ass.

"Sit your cute butt down, I'm going to make you breakfast for once," She says popping back up over the door with some breakfast staples. It won't be fancy but it will be good enough.

"Really? Well, I'm about equitable division of labor but if you're absolutely sure that I need to sit down and wait for delicious food to be delivered to me, I'll do it."

And he does, parking down in one of the chairs at the small kitchen table he has. Normally it's only ever set for one but he has the extra chair out since Natasha is visiting.

“Oh, I’m not. I’m going to make you do almost all the house work to be a kept man Mr. Barnes,” she teases. It’s not completely true but she can’t help but joke about it anyways.

“They skipped the how to be a good house wife classes in the Red Room so you’ll just have to be a good house boyfriend while I save the world,” she smiles over her shoulder at him playfully and blows him a kiss. It’s all some fantasy, a joke, she really can’t believe they have time together like this and she’s going to enjoy it.

“Might even bring you a cute apron next time.”

"Can you bring me a pink frilly one?" Bucky asks, grinning at her. "Because I always wanted to walk around just wearing one of those while I made my wife breakfast."

Bucky realizes he said wife and tries to pretend he didn't, hoping that Natasha doesn't catch it or realizes it was just a joke. He does not want any mixed expectations flying around, especially when he'd do something insane like marry the woman on the spot.

There it is. 'Wife' it's another hint that he has those memories in there, the jokes of calling each other wife and husband because they didn't have his name. She shoots a fond smile over his shoulder before going back to the eggs taking her time making sure everything is just right as she works at it.

"I bet you'd look really good in a frilly pink apron, but I might have to leave some marks on your ass from grabbing it the night before, or maybe a bite, something to really show it off if it's going to be all out there like that."

"You would absolutely not bite my ass," Bucky says, laughing at the thought of it. "I mean, really? Of all places to bite?"

He actually believes that Natasha would do it just because she's not one to back down from a challenge but the thought of it is hilarious all the same.

"Would you at least be nice enough to do it when I was awake or are you gonna wake me up from a dead sleep to do it?"

"I would absolutely bite your ass. Cute little bitemark to claim your cute butt. You know you've got a great ass right?" she says smiling over at him starting more of the breakfast carefully between flirty glances.

"You know, sometime before I then roll you over and give you really good head, because you deserve that too."

Bucky knows he's blushing a little because he's just not used to this much attention from anyone, much less a woman, but all of that sounds incredible and he's nodding along.

"Yeah, I could go along with all of that and then some as long as I get to do the same thing to you. Payback and all of that, right?"

Natasha had originally said she could only stay in Wakanda for a couple days. She can’t bring herself to leave that early though so she stays for 10 before she makes her way back out to Siberia for the work that was intended.

She left a burner with Bucky, so she checks in with him once to let him know she’s going to have to go dark for a few weeks but not to worry. Everything is going well and she’s making progress in the work until her cover is blown and she has to do a what she’s been trying to avoid. The American’s have been hunting her since the fight in Berlin.

She’s left with no other choice then to call them in though, to throw off the path of the red room. Involved in all this she has to fake her death, which she wasn’t looking forward to but the loud media presence would make it easier for her to disappear in the smoke show.

She lays low for a week before being able to finally head back to Wakanda.

She's dead.

Bucky's used to the idea of needing to go dark for a while; when you work in the shadows, sometimes you need the shadows to engulf you before you come back out with your prize. Still, he doesn't expect Shuri to come see him and deliver the news that Natasha had died with the words that "she suspected he needed to hear it from a friend."

It's right he needed to hear it from a friend, Shuri's that and more, but when she leaves he punches the wall hard enough to scrape his knuckles and tries to decide what he needs to do about it. He shouldn't have gotten attached and he knows that but Natasha had made it kind of impossible NOT to get attached and now he's heartbroken with bloody knuckles.

She at least deserves to have her body buried and honored the way spies never get and he decides that even if he has to go to Siberia to do that, he will. He has gear and he can get weapons from the Wakandans if he explains what he wants to do but before he does that, he pulls out the burner she'd left him with and sends a text she won't ever get to read.

You made me happy and they stole it. I'm sorry. I should have gone with you.

She doesn’t get the message as she’d had to lose the phone in the mess. That night though her jet is able to land in Wakanda with only the royal palace knowing of it. Wakanda was able to keep secrets for years and while she might not want anyone knowing it was the safest option.

Plus she had to see James and let him know that she’s safe. She picks the lock on his hut door in the middle of the night stepping it.

She knows better to scare him away from getting close to him so instead when she’s inside the door she announces herself for wherever he may be, asleep or not.

“James ?”

Bucky's asleep and while he used to be a light sleeper he isn't so much anymore and when he hears Natasha call his name, he knows it has to be a dream. Or a hallucination. Both are possible at the same time, honestly, and he sits up in bed and plows a hand through his hair before going out to the front room to just...check. Like he always does.

And he sees a ghost. "If I'm hallucinating shit, I don't know what kind of therapy I need for that but clearly I need it. You're actually a ghost, you know. You're not real."

She’s quiet for a long moment. The idea that he thinks she’s a ghost instead of a spy sends shivers down her spine or guilt. It’s not like she’d planed any of this but it’s somehow worse knowing she’d caused him any sort of pain.

“James, honey, it’s me, I’m home. I’m so sorry…” her voice is a little shaky as she tries to push through the emotion. She wants to run to him and hung him but figures it’s better to give him any space he needs.

"You faked it? Is it my brain or is it real?"

Most days, he has it sorted out, but sometimes his brain tricks him and he doesn't want this to be one of those times. He's fine with being crazy but he'd like to keep that to bad dreams crazy and not actually hallucinating while awake crazy. Or is he awake? Hard to tell.

"I had too, there were too many people on my trail from both sides," it's soft and she holds out a hand, he's still across the room but she's offering it to him anyways so he can feel her.

"I'm here James, it's not your brain." She bites on the corner of her lip, she feels horrible that he thinks he's hallucinating, she wishes she could have planned all this better. Warned him somehow, but there wasn't time and it was too risky to go for any communication.

Bucky crosses the room and touches her hand, then the other, and it takes him a moment to realize she's a mess. Her face is bruised, she seems to be favoring one side and whatever happened to her, it hadn't been pretty. If he'd been there, he would have taken those hits and protected her. He should have gone.

"Get your clothes off. You're hurt and I need to see what I need to do about it," he says. "Stitches and bandages at least. If it's worse than that, I'm sending you to Shuri."

She lets him take her hands and nods, but doesn't actually move to strip though she follows him. That is, until he mentions sending her to Shuri, she can't be seen in such a place. She trusts the family, but there's too many people in the castle who could cause issues.

"James, you can do whatever you want but I can't leave for a while. I need people to think I'm dead I can't just go off anywhere.."

She follows him into the kitchen and sits on the table wincing as she hoists herself up on it. She's clearly favoring her right side when she does so.

"Well, I'm not going to let you die in the middle of Wakanda with me for a doctor," Bucky says stubbornly. "I have the serum and you don't. It's a lot easier to nurse me back to health in secret."

Still, he starts working on her clothes. Tac gear is made to be practical and functional but it still isn't the easiest to pull off in an emergency and he's careful with it, not wanting to hurt her any more than he has to. Once the vest is off and the shirt underneath, he can see there's a nasty wound on her right side.

"What the fuck did this? Someone try to flay you alive with a butcher's knife?"

"I wouldn't have made it all the way here on the damn jet if it was that bad..." she protests as she helps him with the clothes groaning as she has to move some of the biggest gash on the side.

"You can stitch it up and it'll be fine..." she protests glancing down at the wound in the memory of it all. Apparently falling out of the sky tends to be tough on the body.

"Caught some shrapnel in a crash is all.." she mutters letting him tend to the wound.

"Yeah, yeah. If it was not so bad you wouldn't be hobbling around. Hang tight so I can get my first aid kit."

It's more than a standard first aid kit - Bucky has sutures and staples, antibiotics and painkillers and anesthetics. He gets some gloves out and slides them on and rubs the wound down with anesthetic. He has some forceps and he gives her a look.

"Was it a through and through or is the shrapnel still in there? Because I gotta get it out before I stitch it. I've got lidocaine but you might feel it."

"It should be clear," she groans as he starts to work in the wound. She doesn't need or want the pain killers particularly. Sometimes the pain itself is a good reminder of that they're still here and living.

"You can sew it up and it'll be fine, I've had people far less skilled then you do some of these over the years," she comments her mind thinking about the bullet wounds that he put in her himself. She winces when he starts to work on it more, unable to help herself.

"Besides you're the only one that will be stuck looking at the scar if you mess up too bad."

"Oh, yeah, the scar is gonna be so awful," Bucky says, rolling his eyes. He hardly cares about that, honestly, and she should know. They both have scars inside and out. Once the wound's clean, he injects her with some of the lidocaine because he has it and if he can give her less pain, he will.

"I haven't sutured in a while but I should still remember," he says, starting the needle when she's had a chance to numb up.

"I trust you," she says when he starts to suture leaning back against the table. It's uncomfortable but that's it. It's easy to trust him, he's good at everything he does. Besides he knows how much junk he's been in over the years himself.

"I'm sorry I couldn't get in contact to tell you..." she murmurs softly in apology. She knows it must have been hard for him.

"It's all right," Bucky assures her, concentrating on making the stitches small and neat so they won't come out too soon. He knows spies have to go dark sometimes and while it had upset him to think she was dead, he understands why she had to do it.

"I was just...devastated, you know? I didn't know how to process it."

“Well I should hope so,” she says her voice picking up a notch, it’s fond. She reaches out and grazes a hand across his cheek running her fingers across it. He’s soft, softer then he ever was before and it has this way of crawling into her chest and staying there and making her feel soft too.

“I’d be really bummed if you didn’t have feelings about me dying you know.”

Bucky finishes with the stitches and finds another little spot that he can disinfect and close up with a butterfly bandage. It seems that other than bruises, she's all right now that he patched up the bullet wound, but he's still shaking from fear. He could have lost her.

"I know you can't promise you won't let this happen again but...if you could, god, I would ask you to. I need you too much to lose you."

“Hey…” she says softly the arms moving around his neck reassuringly. It’s quite, she watches his eyes carefully before giving him a the softest kind of smile.

“How about we just start with you holding on to me so you can remember I’m here yeah?”

"Yeah, we can do that. I want to do that." Bucky wants to do it in bed but he thinks it might be a a better idea to start with the couch. He slides his arms around her waist and holds her close for a moment before leading her over to the couch.

"C'mere, let me hold you for a little while. I need to get some touch in for a while so I can remember you're here."

It’s vulnerable, the way she climbs into his lap on the couch. Sideways, laying her head against his shoulder. Soft in a way she wasn’t before, just letting him hold onto her.

She doesn’t tell him that he used do this when he’s come back from a mission wiped. When he knew her but didn’t know her fully, finding her again. It was too much to think about.

“My nose is probably all messed up from having broken it, hope you don’t mind me looking all beat up.”

"Oh no, what will I do? A broken nose? The horror," Bucky deadpans. He runs his fingers over her hair and down her back and just enjoys having her close for now. She's warm and tangible in his arms and he doesn't have to worry about her being a ghost off the grid and for now, he's comforted.

"You know the looks don't matter to me," he says quietly. "I just don't want you to be in pain, that's all."

He's teasing her, and she doesn't even have it in her to fight back anymore. She's tired, of everything that happened. Of saving Yelena, of dragging her ass all the way back here and she just presses her forehead into his neck and let's him hold her.

"I'm tired," she murmurs softly there, as if it's an excuse for not being better prepared. Like she's afraid she's done something wrong is and is going to let him down by the way she is behaving here.

"Well, you oughta be. You were just dead," Bucky says, trying to tease her. He softens for a moment though and just strokes her hair, enjoying the fact that she's here with him and he doesn't have to worry about anything right now.

"Do you wanna go get in bed?"

"Absolutely not," she murmurs and shakes her head against his shoulder. She'd flown all the way here and she absolutely is sure that she wants to spend some time here with him. She knows he'd still be here if she fell asleep but that's different.

"It was a fucking nightmare, and I'm not ready to relive that in my dreams yet," she adds with a murmur. She knows he knows exactly what that is like.

"Well, I can understand that. I just thought you might need the rest with your injury," Bucky says, just wanting to let her know that he was thinking of her and not anything for him. Going to bed was definitely going to sleep and nothing else.

"Do you want to just curl up on the couch for a bit instead? I think you need to rest somehow if you're gonna start healing up."

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