ostavil | breakout

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loki

breakout

( Bucky actually hasn't had his own mind in decades and now he does. It's a secret - a huge one - but he can think for himself. The words aren't gone so if anyone knows he's not just a blank slate waiting to be commanded, he'd be completely wiped and put on ice again, but if he's careful no one will notice. He's quiet and taciturn as the soldier and he's quiet and taciturn as Bucky.

He owes it to an unlikely source. It's Loki, of all people, and from what he understands, Loki had just tried to take over the entire world and then gone in with HYDRA to see if he could still get control and cause mayhem that way. In spite of all that, Loki had chosen to bring him along when he left and Bucky still isn't really sure why. Loki hasn't made that explicitly clear. Bucky's not naïve enough to think a mischief god has done this out of the goodwill of his own heart but it's a better option than staying where he's used and abused so going with him is no question. Where they're going is a bigger problem. )

You know that they know how to track me, right? Did you think this through?

( His whole life has been nothing but rigid commands and structure between the Army and being the Soldier and he doesn't know what to do with someone who simply broke him out of the hell he's been living in without informing him of what the plan is. Bucky knows how to hide and stay off the radar because his work as the Winter Soldier had been more or less covert but he also knows that HYDRA had provided for him in those instances and given the directions as part of his orders. They'd find him very quickly if he went to any of those safe houses. He knows how to survive on the street, too, but Loki doesn't carry himself like someone who is used to being on the street or wants to be on the street. He carries himself like, well, a god, and he's going to be noticed. )

Is there a plan?

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So you don't care about any of that, right? Being good, having a sense of heroism, wanting to be a good person? Doesn't line up with you saving me. I think you do want to be good even if it's only a little bit. Might be something you don't even know about yourself.

( Completely bad people don't go out of their way to rescue someone and then not bend them to their will and Loki hasn't done anything but keep him out of trouble. )

I think you have a conscience, Loki.

[ his eyes flash a sorcerous green as loki lets out a quiet hiss. ]

Do not ascribe your reductive morality at me. I do what I want. Nothing less, nothing more. Whether it fits a paradigm has little interest to me.

You don't gotta get defensive about it. It's okay to want stuff. Even if it's not selfish stuff. It's not like I'm gonna tell on you, Loki.

( Sure, it amuses him to poke the bear but he's also grateful to Loki and feels like he owes him a debt for getting his life back so there's some morality on his part even if Loki doesn't care about those things. )

It's all right if you want the company. Everyone needs someone else.

[ his expression flickers and he looks askance. if that were true, then there would be someone who needed him. without the manipulation, without engineering it. just needing him as himself without having to bend himself into shape.

no, he's done with all of that. either people take him as he is or he'll do with no one. ]

Hm. Do they?

Yeah. People aren't meant to be alone. I spent a lot of time locked up in my body and while I was doing things, horrible things, I still wasn't getting to interact in any meaningful way with anyone. Anything I remembered got wiped, over and over. I haven't gotten to talk to anyone but you in decades. I'm not ashamed to admit that it feels good to be able to do that.

( Bucky squints at him for a moment, trying to read his face. )

Do Asgardians not need anyone? Cause everyone needs to be social sometimes even if it's not a lot.

[ loki huffs. he deeply dislikes this topic. ]

Asgardians need people. We're used to having someone for hundreds of years. Life for you is a blink of an eye. A heartbeat. We must be used to sturdier ways of life.

But need is another thing altogether.

Like I said, it's okay to need someone. I would be recaptured by HYDRA already if you hadn't helped me but you did and we're safe for now. I repay loyalty with loyalty.

( Maybe it's not what Loki is looking for but it's what he has, at least, in Bucky. )

And hey, I don't age like humans do. They changed my DNA.

[ loki gives a throaty laugh. they make it sound so small. like needing air to breathe or water to drink. loki doesn't want that. he wants someone's lungs to burn when they cannot see him. he wants someone to feel parched when he's not around. ]

Are you offering yourself then, James?

I mean, if you wanna put it that way, sure. I don't have any friends either, Loki. I'd like to have one probably as much as you probably want one even if you don't admit that kind of thing.

( It's been a long time since he's had anything at all, honestly, and he wants to cling to what he's been given and not have it run away on him. )

I'll probably just annoy you into it anyway by existing until you get used to me.

[ dryly. ]

That seems to be the modus operandi for humans.

You really have no respect for humans, do you? Well, luckily for you, I'm nice and altered by super serum and I'm not quite human anymore. Maybe I'm not as old and well-preserved as you but I know about life.

( Bucky thinks he doesn't even know a pinky nail's worth of things that Loki knows but maybe it's better than most. )

Tell me something no one knows. I'll go first - I know how to braid hair. You know, the fancy way. Your turn.

[ oh. loki ponders this for a moment. no one really knows him well, not anymore. thor used to. but that was a long time ago. ]

I like keeping my hair short. Not too short, but I never liked keeping it long like most Asgardians do.

Interesting. Figured you'd want to be the height of fashion. Maybe you are because you don't do the normal thing. All right.

People think I'm the best at fighting but I'm the best at dancing instead.

( That wasn't always a secret but it is now and he likes that he can share it with someone now and not have to worry about it looking like a weakness or something. )

There were limits to my conformity.

[ he wanted to fit the mold so badly, but it had hurt every time he did. so he made some concessions until finally he gave up. not that it mattered anymore. nothing loki would ever do would help. now that he knows the truth.

it had just been one big joke. one loki played on himself.

he blinks. ]

Dancing?

Oh yeah, I'm a great dancer. Maybe not the things they do now - I'm not up on that - but in my day, I was really good. It's one of my favorite things to do.

( Surprise from Loki is different considering Loki seems to be bored with humanity and mostly unimpressed and Bucky feels...strange about having impressed him just a little bit. It's sort of nice. )

I love music but I can't make any. Just appreciation over here.

[ loki leans back, his gaze distant. ]

I can dance. And play an instrument. I would put my mind to any skill if I needed it.

[ anything, anything to make him feel good, to be worthy in the eyes of others. even if it turned to ash later. he had been so desperate. like a child. ]

Yeah? What instruments can you play? Maybe I can steal you one so you can entertain me on long, winter nights.

( Bucky sounds like he's joking but he isn't, really, because music reminds him of before he was the Winter Soldier and of times when his life was good and happy. He'd happily get Loki anything he wanted to hear music again. )

[ loki blinks, taken off guard by the invitation. for a moment, he seems lost before clearing his throat and collecting himself. ]

I will . . . consider it.

Consider it? Well, that's going somewhere, isn't it? I really do appreciate music, though. I'm not just saying it to say it. I've always admired people who can make music.

( Bucky studies him for a moment, trying to read him. He thinks reading Loki is trying to read a book in a foreign languages translated into a different alphabet; there's elements of the familiar but most of it's tilted on its side and he hasn't quite figured out how to translate those parts yet. It's going to take watching and learning to figure out. )

Can you sing, too? Or just play?

[ these are such bizarre questions to ask. what worth could they possibly have in the long run of things? ]

I can sing, yes. A strange thing to admire.

Is it? They don't value musicians on Asgard? Music is one of the things I've missed the most since they...had me.

( Bucky thinks it's strange that Loki doesn't think it's admirable and maybe it's just a culture difference? He can't imagine a place that doesn't think being a good musician isn't admirable. )

If I could sing or play something, I could make my own music, but I can't so I have to depend on other people.

[ loki pause as if to digest his thoughts. ]

Asgard is a warrior culture. They care for song, but only in the service of that. But there was appreciation.

[ it just . . . wasn't for loki. it was never for loki. ]

Why are you asking these things?

You're the first person I've had the chance to talk to and get to know in decades. Why wouldn't I ask them? Getting to know people is a natural enough thing.

( Loki seems taken aback by what Bucky thinks is normal get to know you things and Bucky wonders if the world has changed. He frowns a bit, thoughtful. )

Do you not want me to ask?

No. It's just . . . not what I expected to be asked.

[ what kind of secrets could be gleaned by such a thing? bizarre. this is an assassin. loki is a — well, he's not entirely sure what he is anymore, but certainly nothing good. ]

Well, maybe I'm just not what you expected. The longer I'm out from under the programming, the more me I feel. It's still in there, unfortunately, but at least nobody's around to lock me down with the words.

( Bucky has the sense that Loki is one of the few people who could handle him when he's the Winter Soldier. )

So I guess I'm a little...chattier.

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