ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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"I'm sure they'll put me back in the field," Bucky says. "So maybe there's a beautiful, single spy who will put up with my ass and I'll have someone who finally understands me."

It's not meant to be serious because honestly, could that person even exist? His experiences in life are so singular that he doesn't think anyone could truly know him anymore. He remembers wanting to settle down with a nice girl eventually but he doesn't think a nice girl would understand anything about him.

"I hurt you, yeah? Shot you twice and all? My programming told me to clean up everything. Why wouldn't I have killed you either time? It's weird, don't you think?"

She was going to start making a smart-assed remark about the first comment but the heavier one comes in. She had been wondering when this would come up, but she wasn't expecting it quite so soon.

She sighs and reaches to grab the remote and pause the credits, they could find something later and the sound was distracting. She moves off the couch and sits on the coffee table right in front of him and reaches out to touch his cheeks head leading to the side.

"Think about it James, why would you have gone against your programing to leave me alive?"

Her voice is soft, guiding, she's not going to just give him the answer but she's here to help coax it out of him.

Bucky frowns, trying to work it out. He's also trying to work out why Natasha is touching him and both are equally confusing. He's at least used to gaps in his memory; he's not used to a beautiful woman touching him like they've been dating for years and not mostly strangers.

"I don't know," he says finally. "It just doesn't make sense. I remember killing innocent bystanders for less than I shot you for. It was all programming. I couldn't make choices then but those shots weren't accidents. It was purposeful."

He meets her eyes with his and frowns still, though it's more thoughtful than anything else.

"You like to touch me - you keep doing it."

She doesn't really realize how much she's touching him until he points it out. Her hands drop from his cheeks and she shakes her head looking down into her lap.

"Sorry, I just thought, it might help you put some of your stuff together in your brain."

She stands up from the coffee table and goes to pick up her empty tea mug heading over to the sink to fill it with water as she gives him a moment before coming back into the room keeping further distance this time as she ads.

"The only time I ever disobeyed a direct order on a mission was when I thought I knew better then the person giving the orders."

"They let you think, though. They didn't afford me the luxury of that," Bucky says softly. Natasha has stopped touching him and he feels bad for pointing it out, especially since she'd said she was doing it to try and help him remember things easier. She's trying to help and he rejected it so he reaches his hand over toward her.

"I'll put it down with weird shit I don't understand about myself, I guess," he says. "And you didn't have to stop touching me. I...well, I like it, but I don't want you to think there's some kind of mixed signals or that I'm expecting anything because you're being kind. I'm just trying to figure myself out and it's taking longer than I wanted."

She doesn't come closer this time. She keeps her distance, looking at him inquisitively as she takes a drink of the cold water letting it calm her nerves. She'd been just trying to give him some touch, for healing, and it probably would have been the level she'd touch anyone she tried to make feel better.

But it was clearly setting off some sort of feelings inside him that he didn't understand with the things he was saying.

"That you remember. Surely, there must have been something there from earlier, prior wipes, that made you think it was a good idea to go against an order," she tells him leaning up against the wall just looking at him like she had all the time in the world but that she wasn't going to answer everything for him.

"I guess. They wiped me a lot," Bucky says. "I remember a lot of things from before the fall but the things I remember when I was under the programming are just...some of them are clear memories of missions and other ones are hazy instead. I want to remember everything, you know? I want to know everything that happened - even if it's all bad."

"I remember being in Siberia. I was there for a long time because that's where they made me learn all the things I know about weapons and languages and combat. I remember red on snow but I don't think it's blood. No idea what it could be, though. Maybe a symbol or a scarf or something. It's something I'll have to write in my book."

He's been keeping a diary with these memories so he doesn't forget any of them.

"That sounds like a good idea, writing it down," She encourages him before setting the cup down on the table. She approaches him once more and smiles softly.

"It's getting late James, I'll leave you to your thoughts, yes? Let you write down what you can remember about Sibera and some of the earlier wipes, and I'll drop back by tomorrow if you want. I don't have anywhere to be for the next couple days?"

It's an offer she says as she glances down at him with a sad smile, like she wishes she could give him a hug or something but instead she just offers him a hand as if to help him up off the couch.

"Yeah, absolutely. Please come back? I don't want to run you off," he says. "And definitely not because I decided to get melancholy and weird about not remembering things. I had fun today and it feels strange to put all those words together in a sentence referring to me."

He liked being with Natasha even if getting his hair washed isn't a typical thing he has done for him. He wonders how often you're supposed to wash your hair - he used to wash it every day when it was short.

"Maybe you can do my hair again?"

She wants to give his shoulder a pat and tell him anytime. But the frown he'd given her when he said she liked to touch him still stung, in a way she wasn't quite prepared for. That was a weird, new feeling that she was going to have to process on her own time.

"Sure, I'll come back by tomorrow," She promises him giving him half a smile. "You didn't make things weird," she adds, okay so that's an exaggeration but she doesn't want him to think that he did fully.

"It just sounds like you could use some time to think about stuff without me being here making it awkward." It's an excuse really as she slips out the door giving him a wave.

"Good night, James." she tells him in Russian on the way out.

"And you, vixen.

What the fuck? Bucky has no idea where that came from and while he knows why he can speak Russian and fluently (it had been his operating language for the entire time he was the soldier) he has no idea why he'd be pet-naming Natasha in it. He barely knows her, really.

"God, I don't know where that came from. Maybe I mixed up...anyway, love to see you tomorrow."

She hasn't heard him call her that in years, so it comes as a bit of a shock, but she hides it on her face with a smile as she heads back to her hotel. She needs the time alone to spend and process that.

The next day she heads over to see him just before lunch, with a basket of food that she'd gotten at the suggestion of Shuri of some local favorites and heads to visit him figuring they can eat lunch together. That's a normal activity to do with your ex-boyfriend who doesn't remember you right?

This time she's dressed more casual, a pair of jeans, and a t-shirt that's a couple sizes too big, hair pulled back in a ponytail, looking extremely casual because she wasn't sure if they'd eat outside or whatever and goes and knocks on his hut.

Wakanda can get hot and there is a rainy season but it's neither of those things today so when Natasha knocks at the door, Bucky is more than happy to join her outside to eat instead of cooping up inside and depriving them of the beautiful skies. Maybe he's not the happiest guy but he can appreciate a good view.

"You got educated on local cuisine," Bucky says, giving her a grin. "Gotta appreciate a woman who brings me good food. I have to eat like three elephants to maintain this metabolism."

For some reason, he feels like Natasha knows that. Well, she's been around Steve...

Bucky gets a blanket to spread out on the ground in front of the hut so they have somewhere to sit and spreads it out as best he can with just one arm; he's getting the new one soon, at least.

"Shuri says she almost has my new arm done. Then I'll have to wash my own hair."

"Food always makes things better, James. How are you feeling?" she asks as she starts to take the food out and make him a plate of lots of delicious local foods and fruits handing it over to him before taking another and making herself one just as large as him.

"I always used to love getting to go out on missions during my time in the Red Room, you always got to eat real food instead of the junk that was some sort of bullshit premade perfect nutrient balanced bars that tasted like cardboard."

She explains like she's justifying all the food she's taking. Truth is, she's just really hungry.

"I'm okay. Conflicted, somehow," he admits. He doesn't know why it's easier to talk about the state of his emotions with Natasha than anyone else but it seems to just roll out naturally with her in a way that it doesn't with anyone else. Everyone else, he keeps it closed up tight but not with Natasha. He doesn't feel like ice with her.

"I had dreams but they were all in Russian," he explains. "But they were just confusing dreams, not mission dreams. It was almost like there was someone with me just off-screen and I wasn't upset or being hurt. I was content, for lack of a better word. I didn't think I did any face work as the Winter Soldier, though. I was just an assassin. I didn't see anything in my file about infiltration or cover work."

She listens to him eating but watching him talk. She wants to give him all the space he needs, if he asks her questions, she'll answer them but she doesn't wanna solve things for him when he's wondering. It feels like it's forcing too much into his brain or forcing things.

The dreams of past memories though, that's she sure. She takes a bite of a piece of fruit and look at him like she's considering it for a moment. So she's playing this a bit more as a role, but it's to protect him, that's what she tells herself even if it's also to protect her.

"If you were ever an asset for someone other then hydra, they wouldn't have all your working details. The other group might have tried to keep it away from them, say, if you were a rental or something. Are there any breaks in your files that don't seem like cryo time?"

"I'm sure I was loaned out. I was used for...other things sometimes. Things HYDRA wouldn't need me for but that I remember all the same. They're nothing I want to talk about with anyone, though. They're even more horrible than having to kill people."

Still, the dreams about being content but still clearly under confuse him and he wants to know who the person with him was and how he could find them. Could they fill in the blanks?

"This person, though, they weren't doing any of that. As much as it confused me, I was content with this person. We spoke in Russian but they were kind. It doesn't fit with what I know."

"You don't have to talk about it, I wasn't trying to push you on it..." she says eating some more food so that she can distract herself. She doesn't want him to think she's being pushy, its tricky trying to help someone and not come across like you're trying to dig into their brain.

There is a pause before she looks up at him with a smirk.

"Don't tell me you're surprised by the idea of a kind Russian, James. This isn't the cold war." It's a joke, because she has to say one otherwise she's going to want to yell at him that 'it's me you dumbass' which won't get them anywhere.

"No, I'm aware that there are a wide variety of cultures and ethnicities within the former USSR and satellite states and hospitality is often a treasured tradition among them," Bucky says, meeting her joke with a more laconic one. If they had to pack his brain full of knowledge about any and everything, he's going to use it for his own purposes as much as he can - even if it's for a joke.

"Kindness from a Russian is not negated by my experience at the hands of other Russian nationals. I'm just having trouble reconciling a period of time when they would have let the soldat off his leash to have downtime with someone who seems...friendly. Kind. Loving, maybe. I never saw a face or heard a voice - it was muffled - but I got the sense it was a woman. Something to hunt down, I think."

"You think you'd want to find her?" she raises her eyebrows curiously like this is news to her. She really wants to scream at him even more now. To look at her, to listen to her voice and really see her. She was sure he could sometime even when he was looking right past her.

She sighs.

"I obviously don't know everything about everyone's mind control. But the Red Room liked to use it sparingly, they believed that erasing people could create instability, so it was always saved for the most top secret of things, or the worst of punishments."

"I'd want to find her, yeah. It seems like she gave me some calm and kindness when I didn't have any. I'd want to thank her for giving me that without getting anything back for it."

When she mentions how Widows didn't get mind wiped as much because of instability, Bucky gives a sharp nod.

"Any time I was too erratic, they wiped me. Sometimes it was multiple times a day because I would be stuck on something and they couldn't scrub it out. I remember one space of time that it felt like they were doing it over and over like trying to get blood off linens and they just...couldn't do it. I don't remember the memory but I remember them strapping me down and doing all those wipes over and over and over to blot it out into oblivion. Must have been something important to me."

"Hydra was full of idiots," she says in response to that. It's clear, obvious and strong that she's judging that. "The Red Room would have said that would make someone unstable, unable to fully follow orders, or get lost in their programing."

She explains for a moment before adding.

"You're welcome, James." It's not a direct response to the first comment of wanting to thank her, but after, like she was suggesting she knew better. He might not even connect it but she wanted to mention it.

Natasha has a high opinion of herself so when she says You're welcome, James he just takes it as a quip about how she'd figured out why there might be gaps in his time as the soldier. He doesn't take it badly because Natasha is awfully smart and damn good at reading people and dissecting tangled webs.

"Maybe I should have belonged to the Red Room instead. I'm not the beautiful ballerina they want, though. My dance is a lindy hop and I don't think I could get this body into an Écarté Derrière or À la Seconde. And before you ask, yes, I know a little about ballet. I've never done it but it seems to be packed in with random soldat knowledge. It's like an encyclopedia up there."

"Ah yes, Soldat, a fine lover of the dance," She says with a smirk like it's a joke. It isn't though, he used to love to watch her dance. The way she moved, when they'd sneak away on overnight missions they sometimes even danced together.

She looks down at her food and picks at it some more. It's frustrating, having this conversation and not being able to say anything. The way he acts she wants to smack him sometimes, tell him to see her. To just scream at him 'look at me, please' but it's something she'd never do.

"I don't mean to pry you know, but if you want help unraveling the threads..."

"You're the only one interested in doing it, honestly. Everyone else tiptoes around it like the bombs in my head are rigged to explode at any moment. Trust me, it's gonna be bad when they finally do but maybe we need to try and defuse them and not wait on the timer to count down to the inevitable."

Bucky chews on his lip for a moment before reaching for his glass and drinking a good third of it, thankful that it's just cool, clear water and nothing else because he doesn't think he could handle anything else right now.

"You're the only person who looks at me and sees me as what I am right now."

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