ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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She huffs out a laugh at the comments. It's a combination of them all that get her though and it's the last one that she follows.

"I flirt with lots of people, it's part of being a Widow. But I'd first with James Barnes even if I wasn't. You're handsome James, and once you spend some time getting your memories sorted out I think you'll see that too."

There's an odd bit of confidence there. If he were to ever remember her, he'd at least know that she does find him handsome. Also then he'd remember he's had sex with at least one person since the forties. With his eyes open she has the urge to climb into his lap and kiss his lips and tell him everything will be okay, but that would just create far more problems then they currently have.

She never knew how to calm him with words, it was always touches when he was having a bad day, or his head was bothering him. She'll have to try her best though.

"It's not the handsome part I'm so worried about. It's all the mess in my head," Bucky clarifies. "And I know you just said when I get my memories sorted out I'll see that but right now that seems pretty impossible. Everything is so scattered around that I don't remember things that happened between 1945 and 2014, give or take."

Bucky bites his lip at looks at Natasha, looks at the fondness in her face. She has more confidence in him than he has in himself and while it's strange (don't they barely know each other and most of it is trying to kill her?) it's welcome. He likes feeling as if he's wanted for the person he is now and not the person he used to be.

"So is my hair gonna be soft and pretty when you're done with it?"

"Shuri just got the programing out, give it time James," she says softly before she starts to rinse the conditioner out of his hair making sure to get it all so there's no oily build up left behind.

"I know what it's like to have my mind messed with too, you know." She reminds him incase that part of the file is missing in his brain. Sure, it hadn't been to the extent of it all that Hydra had done. The Red Room was more careful with it's operatives, it's one of the reasons he'd started developing a personality there anyways, too many erasures made them unstable. When they'd been caught though, she'd dealt with it too.

"Yes, it's gonna be nice. Now we just got to let it dry."

"I know, I'm just in a hurry to remember everything," Bucky says. "Because I need to know what I did and who I was before I can start moving on from it. I need...I don't know. I just need to know."

Natasha seems to be the only person who understands what it's like to have been used, though, and it's nice to talk with someone who gets it. No one else does because no one else has been through anything like this in their life.

"Am I the first guy to be a customer of the Romanoff Salon?"

"You're nosy about other men, James..." She says with a chuckle, bringing the towel to his head to towel dry his hair. There's something warm that crawls inside her, clawing at her stomach at the idea that he might be jealous of other men's attention.

"You can't force the memories, but we can drink beers and watch Bond movies, and I only do that with my favorite men," She tells him fondly with a grin.

“Well, I can accept being a favorite man who can watch Bond movies with you,” Bucky says. He hasn’t watched anything like that since being here and it’ll be an activity he shares only with Natasha. Something inside him really likes that and he feels a warmth in the pit of his stomach that he probably shouldn’t feel.

“The hair washing thing was nice,” he says. “I didn’t realize how nice it would be until you did it but now I kinda think I want to ask for it again sometime. Not too soon, though. I don’t want to be annoying about it.”

"You're right, too often would be annoying." She says rubbing the towel over his head before letting it go to let him deal with it himself. She figures it can air dry, and that he can brush his own hair because now that it's nicely conditioned it should really only take one hand to keep up with it in an okay way.

She shoots him a sideways glance before going over to flop onto his couch. "Do you know how to work this fancy TV of yours here or is that something that they haven't gotten to teach you yet, old man?"

"I've figured it out," Bucky says. He decides he's just going to leave his hair alone for the time being and whatever it does, it does. He thinks it'll probably curl up a little because it does that at this length (and explains the cowlick he'd always had when he had short hair) and then brush it later if it needs it.

He chooses to sit down next to Natasha on the couch instead but he doesn't grab the remote or anything. "But if you want to teach me technology for old people, I don't mind taking a lesson. It's always good to be learning something and I can use the practice."

She laughs at the idea of teaching him technology for old people and settles on the couch shaking her head. "Absolutely not, I did my work at the salon thanks. Now you get to pay me back by dealing with the TV and brining me beers whenever I need a new one."

She says it like it's not a suggestion, because it's not for her. She's perfectly content to make herself at home on his couch and even stretches out over two thirds of it, leaving a small amount for Bucky to join her.

"You didn't think I provide services for free, did you James?"

"I see how it is. Unfortunately, I have no beer for you because I didn't know you were coming and Steve doesn't drink."

Sam does and when he comes to visit, he and Bucky drink a few, but Steve doesn't touch alcohol unless he's sad and he hasn't been that kind of sad in front of him since the 40s. He'd heard that Peggy died, though, and he knows that probably tore him up inside; they never talked about it.

"I can make you more tea and find you a movie, though, but I need more space than that or you're going to be in my lap."

She doesn't make an effort to move and just shakes her head giving him a smile anyways.

"I washed your hair, and you have no beer for me, the least you can do is let me use you as a foot rest?" She says lifting her feet up to make room for him, making it evident she plans on flopping them into Bucky's lap.

"Next time you can make sure we have vodka though," She has to catch herself when she almost says you always did like vodka and bites her tongue shaking her head like she almost made a mess. "I have a much higher tolerance then Sam you know," she adds quickly to try to play it off.

"I'll have vodka next time. Actually, we should have gin," Bucky says. "If we're really going to watch Bond movies, we need real martinis and real martinis mean gin. Can you believe I woke up after being a mass-murdering popsicle for decades only to find out that they make martinis with vodka now? I had to specify gin the one time I ordered one."

It's still incredulous to him but he guesses the world really has changed. He settles Natasha's feet in his lap and then turns to the television to find something.

"All right, we've got all the Bonds so what's your flavor? New or old?"

She settles her feet on his lap and grin when he brings that up. She wants to make a comment at mass-murdering popsicle but she figures that letting him be a little self depricating should be allowed and she'll let it slide.

"What bars in Wakanda have you been going out to, sir?" she add with a laugh.

"Honestly, you can probably blame bond for that somehow. Who the hell shakes a martini all you get is watered down liquid," her face curls up reaction to that. She doesn't really care what movie it is so she shrugs.

"Dealers choice, surprise me."

"Right? Shaking a martini is absurd," Bucky says. "And there's a bar in the palace but they don't really drink a lot here. It's just not in the culture. I've been trying to learn about it since I've been here and there's lots of celebrations and stuff but definitely not like what we have in America."

Bucky chooses one of the older ones from the 60s with Sean Connery because that's closer to his own time than the recent ones and he thinks it will be more fun to watch that.

"Here you go. Dr. No. Terrible name, great movie."

She smiles over at him. The fact that he already knows what Bond he wants to watch, means he's been watching some. That is also another sign, just as she suspected that the man who was with her all those nights under the programing was this man right in front of her.

"Connery is the best bond anyways, so I approve of your suggestion." She glances around the couch to grab the blanket that was hanging off the back and pulls it over her lap and his to make them settle in like this is the most natural thing that they've done before.

Because they have, he just doesn't remember it. She goes quite during the movie, sometimes quoting big lines, and smiles one time when they quote one together.

It's cozy, sitting like this, and Bucky wonders what it might be like if it was with someone and it was real. He doesn't think he can be with anyone because he's too messed up inside and, besides, Natasha Romanoff can do a lot better than him but if he could have it, it would look a lot like this.

There's points in the movie where he focuses more on how close he is to Natasha and how comfortable and natural it feels to have her feet in his lap and the blanket thrown over them but, again, it's not a thing he can have so he shouldn't be wanting it.

"He has a new girl every movie. I guess that's the only spy-accurate thing, huh? Can't be with anyone when you have that kind of life. Nobody understands you enough."

She thinks about that, how it all might work when he says that.

"I think there was a movie called Mr. and Mrs. Smith with some spies who ended up with targets on each other, and then went from shooting at each other to fucking, it was kind of hot," she says with a pause glancing over at him when he brings it up.

"So I suppose if you were to work together, you could really have that too. You just have to get a much more capable girlfriend then some of these bond girls," she said it like she meant the royal 'you' but she may have been leaving the suggestion of it for the future in James head. She couldn't help herself.

"I'm sure they'll put me back in the field," Bucky says. "So maybe there's a beautiful, single spy who will put up with my ass and I'll have someone who finally understands me."

It's not meant to be serious because honestly, could that person even exist? His experiences in life are so singular that he doesn't think anyone could truly know him anymore. He remembers wanting to settle down with a nice girl eventually but he doesn't think a nice girl would understand anything about him.

"I hurt you, yeah? Shot you twice and all? My programming told me to clean up everything. Why wouldn't I have killed you either time? It's weird, don't you think?"

She was going to start making a smart-assed remark about the first comment but the heavier one comes in. She had been wondering when this would come up, but she wasn't expecting it quite so soon.

She sighs and reaches to grab the remote and pause the credits, they could find something later and the sound was distracting. She moves off the couch and sits on the coffee table right in front of him and reaches out to touch his cheeks head leading to the side.

"Think about it James, why would you have gone against your programing to leave me alive?"

Her voice is soft, guiding, she's not going to just give him the answer but she's here to help coax it out of him.

Bucky frowns, trying to work it out. He's also trying to work out why Natasha is touching him and both are equally confusing. He's at least used to gaps in his memory; he's not used to a beautiful woman touching him like they've been dating for years and not mostly strangers.

"I don't know," he says finally. "It just doesn't make sense. I remember killing innocent bystanders for less than I shot you for. It was all programming. I couldn't make choices then but those shots weren't accidents. It was purposeful."

He meets her eyes with his and frowns still, though it's more thoughtful than anything else.

"You like to touch me - you keep doing it."

She doesn't really realize how much she's touching him until he points it out. Her hands drop from his cheeks and she shakes her head looking down into her lap.

"Sorry, I just thought, it might help you put some of your stuff together in your brain."

She stands up from the coffee table and goes to pick up her empty tea mug heading over to the sink to fill it with water as she gives him a moment before coming back into the room keeping further distance this time as she ads.

"The only time I ever disobeyed a direct order on a mission was when I thought I knew better then the person giving the orders."

"They let you think, though. They didn't afford me the luxury of that," Bucky says softly. Natasha has stopped touching him and he feels bad for pointing it out, especially since she'd said she was doing it to try and help him remember things easier. She's trying to help and he rejected it so he reaches his hand over toward her.

"I'll put it down with weird shit I don't understand about myself, I guess," he says. "And you didn't have to stop touching me. I...well, I like it, but I don't want you to think there's some kind of mixed signals or that I'm expecting anything because you're being kind. I'm just trying to figure myself out and it's taking longer than I wanted."

She doesn't come closer this time. She keeps her distance, looking at him inquisitively as she takes a drink of the cold water letting it calm her nerves. She'd been just trying to give him some touch, for healing, and it probably would have been the level she'd touch anyone she tried to make feel better.

But it was clearly setting off some sort of feelings inside him that he didn't understand with the things he was saying.

"That you remember. Surely, there must have been something there from earlier, prior wipes, that made you think it was a good idea to go against an order," she tells him leaning up against the wall just looking at him like she had all the time in the world but that she wasn't going to answer everything for him.

"I guess. They wiped me a lot," Bucky says. "I remember a lot of things from before the fall but the things I remember when I was under the programming are just...some of them are clear memories of missions and other ones are hazy instead. I want to remember everything, you know? I want to know everything that happened - even if it's all bad."

"I remember being in Siberia. I was there for a long time because that's where they made me learn all the things I know about weapons and languages and combat. I remember red on snow but I don't think it's blood. No idea what it could be, though. Maybe a symbol or a scarf or something. It's something I'll have to write in my book."

He's been keeping a diary with these memories so he doesn't forget any of them.

"That sounds like a good idea, writing it down," She encourages him before setting the cup down on the table. She approaches him once more and smiles softly.

"It's getting late James, I'll leave you to your thoughts, yes? Let you write down what you can remember about Sibera and some of the earlier wipes, and I'll drop back by tomorrow if you want. I don't have anywhere to be for the next couple days?"

It's an offer she says as she glances down at him with a sad smile, like she wishes she could give him a hug or something but instead she just offers him a hand as if to help him up off the couch.

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