ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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She takes the beer and reaches out to give him a cheers with it when he brings them back out.

"What are we toasting too James?" She asks taking a drink not waiting for him to actually announce it. Her mind is all over the place, but she hopes that the alcohol will help reel it in a little bit.

"I never fail a mission, besides I had a few favors to call in. It's supposed to be one of the best you can get at that size, so hopefully it will help you explore the Stars. Personally, I'm sick of them after that alien invasion of New York, but no reason that should stop you."

"My new arm and a telescope, I guess," Bucky says. He has the necklace burning a hole in his pocket but he doesn't know whether or not to give it to her right now. He takes a long pull on his beer instead to hide the nervousness.

"I had something made to give to you but it's kinda...I don't know. It's kinda personal. If you don't want to accept it, I understand. It might be too intense a gift."

Maybe that's not a good setup.

"You had something made? And you say I went out of my way..." she smiles at him though, because it sounds nice. He'd always been a gift giver, even when he didn't have anything he used to lift small things to bring back to her from missions when he could.

God he's just as sweet as she remembers.

"Why wouldn't I accept a gift, gifts are nice. People like gifts, James."

"Well, it's kind of an intimate gift," Bucky says, pulling out the box and handing it to her. It's just a pendant but that pendant is made of the same gold-threaded vibranium as his new arm and that's very, very intimate. It's a tie between them that she might not want or be comfortable with.

"I thought maybe you'd like it or think it was pretty," he says softly. "And it's basically indestructible."

God, he hopes she accepts it.

He says that and she goes quite and take the box and opens it with a smile. She glances up at him with a playful grin.

"Intimate? This isn't a sex toy..." she tease and leans over to push on his shoulder of his new arm playfully, clearly noticing how much they match. She takes it out of the box and puts it over her head so she's wearing it.

"How does it look?"

"It looks nice," Bucky says. He's at a loss for words, honestly, and she had brought up sex toys and thrown him for a loop even if it was just a joke. He touches the little pendant piece.

"Maybe it's like you have a little extra protection, yeah? I didn't really think it through when I asked them to make it. I just wanted you to have it."

"Yes, if a stray bullet happens to go right there I'll be set..." she teases him and reaches up to take his hand and give it a squeeze before she tugs him in for a hug arms wrapping around his shoulders to give him a squeeze.

"Seriously though, James, I love it. I never get myself jewelry and I always think I could use another necklace to wear." She really does appreciate it, she'd been wearing the same on since she got out of the red room most days when a mission didn't require something similar. She was sure she'd be wearing this one a lot too.

She lets him go an gives him a reassuring smile. "It's like I got a little piece of you with me."

"Yeah, I guess. I wasn't making claims or anything. I just thought you'd think it was pretty."

Bucky feels like he's tripping all over his feet with her as usual but at least she seems interested and pleased by the gift and not offended. Not that Natasha is ever offended by him.

"I don't...want you to think I'm coming onto you or something."

She looks at him cocking her head to the side in consideration taking in both things he said and trying to process exactly what he was feeling without being able to actually get inside his head. This was something that was new and different that she was trying to adjust to.

Her Soldat had always been more confident, comfortable around her. James isn't, and it's not bad, she just doesn't know what's pushing him too much.

She gives his metal arm a squeeze. "I do think it's really pretty, and I also think you're really pretty too. So, I wouldn't mind if you were, even though I completely understand that you're not, because you just said so."

Bucky swallows thickly and tries to decide how he feels about her calling him pretty and not minding if he thought she was. He just doesn't know what to do with his feelings about her and surrounding her and he doesn't want to mess up because he has half a brain and half a body and half of well...everything.

"It's not that I'm uncomfortable if you think I'm attractive," Bucky says after a moment. That, he knows is true. No one could think that, he thinks, and he definitely doesn't.

"It's more that I know I wouldn't be a good partner to anyone and when you tell me that I'm attractive, sometimes I think about what it might be like if I could be with you and that's not something I should be thinking about. I really couldn't be as good to you as someone else could. There's better than me, you know?"

She is trying her best to read him. She's pretty sure he's got a crush on her by the way she says it, but it seems wrong to just function on that and ignore his words alone, especially when navigating something new like this. She's holding all the cards, has all the information, and he's flying blind.

She squeezes his new arm watching his blue eyes as carefully as she can. Trying to get more of a read when she asks the question.

"Regardless of if you think you're good enough for me, James. Do you like it that I like you like that?" It's a simple question, trying to get to the root of the situation.

"Well, yeah," Bucky says. It comes out automatically because who wouldn't want Natasha Romanoff interested in them? He thinks you'd have to be flatlined to not want attention from her and he's far from that. Instead, his heart is flying faster than it should even be able to with the serum and he's really glad she's squeezing his left arm because if she squeezed his right, he might be trembling.

"I'm a man, Natasha, and I'm not a blind one. I just don't think...I don't have my shit together, you know? I can't even take attention from a woman without getting panicky about it and that's not how a man is supposed to react. If I was the old me, I would already have made my move and we'd be together. Now I'm scared to do it because I desperately want to be enough."

She's said she likes him as he is but being patient now and being patient later are two different things. He doesn't know how long it's going to take for him to get anywhere close to secure in himself to be able to be supportive of someone else the way you should be in a relationship.

"I don't think I could take it if you hurt me."

Her hand slides down his arm to take his fingers of his new metal arm, it feels different then the one she's used to, but still familiar. The only man she'd ever held hands with who had a metal hand, so that is a whole thing.

"Well how about you stop worrying about that then. We don't have to be together, or anything. We can just be here together and that's enough." She squeezes that hand trying to be reassuring.

"Nothing to fuck up, no expectations, just us, enjoying our time in Wakanda. And if you ever decide you're ready and you want to leave, I will let you take me on a proper date and we can give things a try."

"I still question your taste in men," Bucky says, laughing nervously. He knows he isn't who he used to be and he doesn't think he can ever be that cocky, suave man again but maybe one day he won't be the eggshell that he is right now. He feels like kintsugi, a fractured vase pieced back together with vibranium in the cracks, and he doesn't know if it's all going to hold together because the delicate pieces are so weak between the strong ones.

"It's good that you keep coming back, though. It's nice to have someone who wants to spend time with me and not who I used to be or who they want me to be or someone they can poke at to get a laugh when I'm not quite ready to laugh yet. It's nice. It's better than nice, honestly."

Bucky wants to be able to say things more elegantly than he does but while his thoughts are eloquent, he can never seem to pluck the right words out when he's talking to her.

He's so soft, how can she even deal with how soft he is? She reaches up and gets a hand behind his neck and pulls him down so she can give his cheek a kiss trying to reassure him that it's exactly why she's here.

"James Barnes, is this is as far as our romance ever goes I am happy to call you a close friend who I am comfortable sticking my feet in his lap for foot massages during movie night," she says reassuringly.

She doesn't want to keep rehashing the same conversations with him about how others don't see him, because she's pretty sure it wont stick anyways. She's pretty sure it wont help either, and that they just need to exist more for him to get more comfortable.

"Speaking of, do you have a selection of movies curated yet?"

Bucky is a little stunned by the kiss and he doesn't have a chance to process it before Natasha asks him if he has a movie list curated. That, he did, because it was a task he could do to organize his mind and he nods in confirmation.

"I did make a list, yeah. I made a couple different lists of movies, actually. I didn't want to just settle on spy films so I thought if I made a couple other...collections we would have stuff for whatever mood we were in. It's probably overkill but once I got started, I couldn't stop."

That, at least, is very much the truth. He thinks for a moment about what she says regarding their romance not necessarily needing to go further than foot massages and movies and he thinks that this isn't what he wants. He doesn't know what he wants and how to get it but he knows he wants more than just a friendship.

She takes a drink of her beer watching him carefully when he starts to discuss the lists and cocks her head to the side.

"So are you going to show me the lists, or am I going to have to ask? Or is there perhaps a superior list that you've already decided that's the one we're marathoning?" She asks as she settles back away from him with a smile. Her fingers trailing idly in around the edges of the bottle as she continues to try to read him.

Something had set him off, was it the kiss or the suggestion that they could just be friends who cuddled, who knows, she's not quite sure yet but she's hoping to find out.

“Oh, I can show you the lists,” Bucky says. He’s made them in the same notebook he uses to record stray memories and these are neat lists in block letters of films in various genres. He hands the notebook over to Natasha and is a little nervous she might flip through it some more and see the other things he’s written down here and there.

“So I think it’s a solid start for us, yeah? I feel like I just must have always been methodical and organized because I don’t think this kind of thing just shows up out of nowhere.”

She takes the book and doesn't flip through it at all, instead just looks right at the list with the things jotted down on them and smiles at him.

"Honestly, I haven't seen a lot of these -- so I'm down for any of them. Except I wanted to ask, you aren't too board by just sitting around and watching movies with me when I come are you?" She says. She really enjoys the downtime they can spend together like that, not having to watch her back or be in danger, but she wants to make sure that she's not boring him to death either.

"Let's start with Casablanca. A classic."

"Yes, I'm bored going through film classics with a beautiful redhead next to me," Bucky deadpans. There's no way a person could be bored in Natasha's company and even if he was bored with her around, it's better to be bored beside her than be without her.

"Casablanca's a good one. Saw that one the night it came out, actually, me and Steve. It's magic. Can't be bored watching a movie like that."

When he says he saw the movie when it came out it doesn't surprise her-- he'd expected that was a hot date night ticket. It does surprise her though, when he mentions Steve and she gives him a stupid grin.

"Steve Rogers and not some hot date? I guess I had the wrong assumption about what you were like back in the day hm..."

She had always been convinced he'd been charming based on the way the soldier talked, his confidence. It didn't come from anywhere, so she'd just assumed he'd been one of those guys who went on all the dates and made out with all the women.

"Oh, well, I always went to see the good ones with Steve first," Bucky says, laughing softly. "Because when we went, we paid attention to the actual movie. I took the girls later after I already knew what happened so if I got distracted halfway through I didn't miss a good one."

It had just felt important to share those first viewings with Steve and not some girl who would hate him the next week and he'd always felt that way about it.

"Except the cartoons. I never took girls to see those. I just went to them with Steve because he liked the animation."

"When I was growing up in Ohio I used to love the cartoons. Except for the one with the moose and the squirrel...." she says with a laugh. Mostly because of Boris and Natasha and they were so funny.

She moves to get up and wraps her arm in his, holding him like that, a more casual way then holding hands and tugs him towards the hut with a smile.

"We can watch cartoons together some morning and eat milk and cereal and that will be like when I was a kid."

"Your childhood was different than mine," Bucky says, grinning at her. "My mother had me up doing chores, not watching cartoons and eating cereal. I grew up in the Depression and everyone worked no matter what that work was."

He squeezes her a little. "But I think watching cartoons with you some morning would be a hell of a lot of fun. We can recapture some of the magic, yeah?"

He thinks they both need reminders that there are good things in the world in spite of everything they've seen.

"I would imagine that it would be, seeing as how the most normal two years of my childhood were spent as a spy living in Ohio before I got sent the the Red Room to be trained a Widow," she says leaning into him a little bit as they walk.

"But those two years were pretty nice, I can't argue that it was probably more fun then depression living for those two years, but outside of that..." she says with a bit of a sigh. She hadn't gotten to be a kid, girls are just clay to be molded in the Red Room.

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