ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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"Where'd you hear that quote from?" she asks curiously. She's surprised but it's not unwarranted, his brain is like a filing box with everything tucked away in a way that brain. She knows that some of it will start to unpack and make sense in his head.

"Just let the feelings," she reassures him and just brushes his shoulder a little bit more. "Close your eyes, just relax, and let the feelings have you. Try not to even think about it..."

"It's a book. A children's book, I guess, but surprisingly deep. I guess when I was learning all those languages, they gave me a bunch of things to read and didn't really care what they were. Immersion is the best way to learn one, anyway, so a children's book might be a good place to start. I think it was called Le Petit Prince."

Sometimes he knows things and he doesn't know why. Quotes from books, pieces of art, facts about places that you can barely pick out on a map. It's something new every day and Bucky's learned to just go with it.

Just like Natasha's inviting him to do now. She wants him to go with his feelings. His feelings want him to do a lot more than just lay here and relax, though, so he doesn't quite go with them. He does, however, close his eyes and try to relax.

"It's started to come back, you know. Desire. It wasn't there for a long time after I escaped. Now...well, now I feel it sometimes."

She blushes a little bit against his shoulder nuzzling into his shoulder to hide it a little bit. It's comfortable to hear that though, and makes her feel nice even if she wasn't expecting it.

"That's natural, you know. And it's okay," she says softly against his skin eyes already closed like she's relaxed against him. "But tonight let's just stay like this okay? I want you to be able to be comfortable and trust me, when you act on it."

Part of her is afraid he'd have sex with her and then freak out and never want to see her again, she's not really ready for that either.

"Oh God, I wasn't coming on to you," Bucky says, mortified that he'd even brought it up. He hadn't meant to make Natasha think he was going to jump her or something. He doesn't know what he intended, honestly, except he was relaxed and felt like being truthful instead of holding everything in.

"Not that you're not...you're beautiful, you know that, I just would never pressure you for that and I was just talking in general about...you know. Progress and stuff."

"Shit." Yeah, that just about sums it up.

She listens to him fumble his words and just presses up on one arm so she can lean in and give his lips the softest of kisses to shut him up from his fumbling of his words that he's tripping over.

The kiss is soft, and only lasts a moment before she's tucked down again next to him. She wants him to know that it's okay if he wants her, that it's just a lot right now.

"Don't worry too much, like I said, just relax and feel things out."

Bucky squeezes his eyes shut. He feels the kiss, soft against his mouth, and part of him wants to deepen it and really kiss her and not just play at it. She doesn't want that right now, though, so he doesn't chase it. She's settled back against him quick enough that he couldn't have caught her in the act anyway.

"I just didn't know if I still could physically, that's all. But I can. That's all I meant to say. It wasn't a proposition."

He's glad he didn't properly come on to her, though, because being told to relax and feel things out if he put himself out there probably would have stopped him from ever trying again. At least it isn't that situation.

That feels bad, wrong. He thinks things because he doesn't remember and it makes her insides churn a little bit like she's holding it away from him and it's bad. That's one of the reasons she's not ready to be intimate with him until he understands that.

She reaches for one of his hands and entwines their fingers before saying in the softest voice she could muster.

"I already knew that you could."

"Because of Steve?"

That's the only other person he knows that was subjected to the serum and frozen under ice for decades. If Steve could, it stands to reason that he could too and maybe he'd talked to Natasha about it. They are friends, after all, and while she says it wasn't romantic, she did say she tried to set him up on dates. If Steve was with people without problems, maybe that's why she knows.

"That's the only person I know in my...unique situation. But it'd make sense if you knew because of him."

"Just to clarify, I absolutely never slept with Steve," He doesn't ask more specifics, but she wants to make sure that he doesn't think there's anything going on with her and his best friend.

She squeezes his hand after she says that before just melting into him a little more. It's awkward, still, feeling like she shouldn't be saying things like this to him. She has no right but she just adds.

"Some of the Widows used to talk about their missions with the Winter Soldier, and how fun he could be. I was pretty sure they were making it up but..."

Bucky's eyes fly open at that. He does not remember ever being around Black Widows during any of his missions. He'd been aware of them, naturally, but the Winter Soldier was a solo operative. He'd never worked with anyone. Bucky has all these memories of all these kills and never once had he worked with anyone.

"Wait. I never worked with anyone. I've never...the Winter Soldier works alone. The Winter Soldier doesn't cooperate. He can't. He's programmed with orders and carries them out and there's no flexibility. To work with someone you need flexibility. He definitely wasn't fun. They were lying. About all of it. Maybe they saw my picture and made up a story but there's no way they ever saw me. It's not possible."

She drops his hand a that, shifting away from him she moves to sit up in the bed, pulling her knees up close and her arms hug around them and she sits quite for a few moments while he processes that. She doesn't even look at him but is instead looking off in his little hut.

"You were wiped a lot by hydra after you left the red room, it made you unstable, and into that. It wasn't always you James."

"So I was myself and I chose to do those things. That makes me even worse than I thought I was. It was bad enough when I thought I had no control, when all my memories are being locked inside my body while I carry out orders. Now you're telling me that I was fun. That I was me. I did those things as me."

God, it makes him sick to his stomach to even think about it and he gets out of the bed and shoves a hand through his hair while he paces in tight circles around the room.

"So which ones did I choose? Which people did I kill with a smile on my face? You seem to know. You knew. If I thought it would kill me, I'd put a bullet in my brain right now. I was me. Some fucking hero I am. I'm even more a monster than I thought I was."

"Stop it. STOP it." She says firmly but she moves to crawl out of the bed and goes to get her clothes from the bathroom because she is not having this discussion, argument, whatever it is in a t-shirt in bed. She doesn't put them on though and the second she walks out of the bathroom she looks at him with a glare.

"Is that what you think of me? That I was killing people for fun, because I can fucking remember. That I wasn't manipulated at all and it was just fun, because I worked in a team? Fuck you, James." She starts to pull on her pants glaring at him.

"Widows are different and you fucking know it. You don't have a choice as a Widow. They condition you from birth and it's like being in a cult. You're so programmed that you'll do anything even if you're aware of everything around you. It's not the same as me. I was a soldier. I didn't grow up like that. I would have fought."

Not that Natasha wouldn't have fought - she did, eventually, and got herself out.

"I would have killed myself before I hurt anyone because I knew a life outside of HYDRA. It's not the same as you and I don't think that about you or any other Widow. You're all manipulated."

"Stop being such an idiot." She says buckling her pants clearly getting ready to leave because she's frustrated. That's what Natasha does when things go rough, things are too tough. This is why she doesn't do people, why she likes to work alone.

"If they programed you to be a machine they could program you to think that your job was a fucking killing machine for a different program, that you could work with a team to do things. Stop being so stubborn."

She doesn't change the shirt she just goes to grab her bag she'd brought with her.

"So much for being here for me. Gets tough, you get out. And yeah, I'm a fucking idiot. I knew it wasn't real. Who the fuck would want this mess? When did I become the mark? Who asked you to do it? Steve? The Wakandans?"

Bucky has no idea why he would be useful as a mark at this point. He'd told Steve everything he remembered, forward and back, and if there was more information that they wanted he would have happily gone into a debriefing. This just seems cruel.

"Who asked you to come and try to put sad, broken Bucky back together again? Because you almost did it, you know. I was falling for you. I was eating it up. I was beginning to think that a beautiful woman might be willing to be patient for me. I thought I mattered."

The words hurt, but not in the way she expects them to. She's too frustrated at the idea, that somehow the idea that being with her, spending time on missions with her that he would have rather killed himself then do that.

She takes off the necklace he made her and sets in on the table gently. She then reaches under her shirt and pulls out a silver chain that has on it a single silver ring, it's a stylized band of cords that are entwined, nothing fancy. It looks cheap and is a little tarnished but she tosses it gently at him on the bed.

"You asked me to. Years ago, when you told me you loved me. But I guess you would have rather put a bullet in your brain then love a killer. Because you're an America soldier right? And I'm just some dirty Russian whore."

"I don't fucking remember," Bucky shouts but that's before he realizes what she's said completely and lets it settle over him. He asked her to. When he told her that he loved her.

When he told her that he loved her.

"You're not a whore, Natasha," Bucky says, voice softer. He crosses over to the table and picks up the ring, turns it over in his fingers a few times to see if it sparks any memory. It doesn't There's nothing there. He doesn't remember Black Widows, he doesn't remember Natasha, he doesn't remember being in love. It's blank.

When he told her that he loved her.

"I don't remember," he says again, softer. "Nothing's there. Why make up a story that makes you so vulnerable? That's not something you do for a mark. That's exactly what you don't do for a mark. But I don't remember."

"You don't have to remember, you just have to trust me enough to believe me. When I tell you things and not get angry about them.." she sighs and rubs her fingers across her brows in frustration.

"I told you I'd wait as long as you need and I fucking will, but you can't ... You can just not believe me about that you weren't a monster because..." She trails off, she can't even bring herself to say, to explain.

"You were talking about feelings, and doing things, and it wouldn't be right to not get you to understand .. it's .. not consent to explain that we're complicated."

"I was ready."

It's a heavy thing to admit, that he was ready to trust her and be intimate with her when he barely remembered anything but killing people over and over for decades. He'd started to trust her as much as he trusts Steve and Bucky doesn't think he's ever trusted anyone that much in his life. Except now he knows that apparently he and Natasha were in love, once, and he'd given her a token of that love.

"I wanted to be intimate. You were so giving and so affectionate and I was falling, hard, and I didn't know what to do with it. I wanted to be loved."

Now Bucky isn't sure what he wants. He doesn't think it's fair to Natasha to be with her romantically if he doesn't remember their past and while he trusts her when she says they were together (how does that benefit anyone to lie about something like that?) he doesn't remember any of it. It makes them uneven and it means he'll hurt her if he doesn't do or say the things that he did when they were together. He doesn't think he's the same person she fell in love with. He can't be.

"Now...now, it's not fair to you for me to do that because I don't remember. You love someone I don't remember. Someone that probably isn't me. He looked like me and maybe said some of the same things but I don't think he was...this. I'll hurt you if I'm not him."

She closes her eyes and nods. She was expecting it, really, this was the only way this could end she supposes. She lives the ring in his fingers though, because it's really not hers to take.

"Okay then, that's clear at least," It hurts to say like that because she does like this version of him too but she's not going to push him it's not his fault. "It wouldn't have been fair James, to start something without you knowing either. It wouldn't have been fair to you..."

She shakes her head and opens her eyes and looks right at him, giving him a soft smile.

"I'll get out of your house, but just... know it was never only because I was looking for the man I used to know. I liked you for you, and your romance movie list, half of them are movies we used to sneak to watch on the tvs in hotel rooms on missions."

She turns to start to leave and looks over her shoulder and adds.

"Don't hate him when you remember him, he was a good man, and it wasn't his fault that the stupid program made him think it was his job to do all those things... Just like me" she adds softly before she's at the door and walking out.

She's right, of course, that it wouldn't be fair and as much as it hurts, he appreciates the honesty. If she'd started a relationship with him and never told him about their past, he'd feel betrayed and hurt and might not be able to repair anything between them ever.

Maybe it's better to end this before it starts.

Then she says it wasn't just that she was looking for the man she used to know but that she liked him as he was, that the movies he picked out were ones they used to watch together and he clenches his left hand in a fist just hearing the words.

She's leaving. She asks him not to hate himself when he remembers and he doesn't know if he can promise that but he does think he owes her an apology. How do you apologize to your ex that you don't remember your relationship? They don't make a greeting card for that.

***

Time passes. Steve visits again but wisely says nothing about Natasha. He brings everything he knows about the Black Widow program with him but asks him, pointedly, if this is a door he wants to open. Bucky knows that it is. He thinks he owes it to Natasha to try and remember who he used to be so he can resolve this thing between them.

It's a somber visit, honestly, and when Steve's gone, he starts poring through all the files. There's nothing about him in them. There wouldn't be - he's a very well-kept secret - but maybe there's something that's not so obvious between the lines.

There's mentions here and there of "an instructor" and "the American" and he guesses that's him. They're all very vague. No mission rundowns. No dossier. Nothing. It's a useless dead end. Everything is a dead end.

Then the dreams start.

It's never mission work. It's always being crammed into a hotel shower with Natasha or lying in bed with Natasha. It's stealing her little things to give to her that are literally worth nothing at all because it's a game between them and she smiles every time she gets some penny candy or a carved wooden toy or paper bill from some currency they've never seen before that he's folded up into a rose. It's stupid things, always, but she treats them like treasures.

He doesn't even know how to call her. He does know how to call Steve, though, so he does and he leaves a message asking for Natasha. If anyone can help him with this, it's her, and he still has feelings for her even if everything is fucked up right now.

It's hard to leave but she does. The next day she's out of Wakanda, but she leaves a burner phone with Shuri for him to get in contact with her if he ever asks. It seems he doesn't though, because her phone never rings.

She thinks of him everyday but some are harder then others. She buries herself in her own work, going deep into Russia and dark for a while trying to dig up all the information on the soldier program that she can. She doesn't come up with much, and thinks too much about how it would have been better to be doing this with Bucky anyways. She misses him.

She doesn't come out from being dark for another two weeks past when Steve is asked about her. He tells Bucky she's dark but from the moment she hears about him asking to talk to her she doesn't pause to wait for a call or to try to call she hops in the quinnjet to Wakanda. She wants to see him.

She's sitting out under the tree they ate at one time in the morning when he comes out. For her it's the very next day, but it's two weeks past him asking for her.

"I heard you asked for me?"

"Uh, yeah. I did."

Bucky had hoped this wouldn't be awkward but it is, still, and he wishes he could go back to the awkwardness of just being shy and unsure around her instead of this where he doesn't know where he stands. Natasha looks as beautiful as she always does and while he had asked for her two weeks ago, he'd understood she was busy. It makes sense. Her life isn't about sitting around waiting for him to recover his memories.

"I wish I could tell you I remember but I don't," Bucky says, swallowing a lump in his throat. God, he wishes he remembered. He wants to remember that time they spent together and how they fell in love and the words they said to one another. He wants to know what they had that was so important that she wanted to come see him and try to coax it back out.

"Steve got me some files. I saw some vague mentions of what could be me. Not that I didn't believe you, or anything, just that it's corroborated. I've just been having...dreams. That's mostly why I wanted to see you."

"It's okay, James. I'm not holding it against you not to remember me." That's really not what she had been struggling with at all, just at his frustration, with her not seeming to believe him when about any of it. She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a breath.

She's got a bag next to her and she reaches to pull out a file from it biting her lower lip as she opens her eyes and looks at him.

"I was working on getting my hand on something else, this might be a little more complete then what Steve has... there's still a lot of redacted things though." She offers him the file holding it out.

"You can ask me anything, you know. I'll tell you whatever I can."

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