"I was hoping you could come with me," Bucky says, somewhat crestfallen. He'd asked for the liberty under the assumption she'd wanted to spend time with him and not that he'd be going off by himself while everyone else was back at base planning the next op. Maybe it's just not...the same. He's not the same.
"I guess you're too busy with the other thing, though, whatever it is. I know I remember that. I know I do. I just don't know why you'd try to lie to me about it. You can trust me, you know."
"Oh." Perhaps she should have expected that, but then he hadn't mentioned wanting to go with her, just that he'd needed to get away from all the war for a while. "I didn't--I didn't realize."
She was just about to say that she could go ask Howard if there was anything he needed across the border, but then James said that, and Natalia paused, frozen. And frowned. "...I have no idea what you're talking about, James." Her heart screamed in pain, but she insisted, "I haven't lied about anything."
Just to have something to do, she thrust a few papers into a folder, adding, "If this is about your--hallucinations, I don't know what else to tell you."
"I didn't hallucinate it," Bucky says sharply. "But fine, don't trust me. I'm not spreading your secret around regardless because I actually love you and don't care who you are. I'm taking my leave. Maybe we'll see each other before I ship out again."
Or, perhaps not, since clearly she'd rather make him doubt his own mind than trust him with her secrets when he's laid himself completely bare for her more than once.
"I've always been honest with you. You're worth that to me."
It stung more than she'd expected it to, that sharp rebuttal. But she made sure her poker face was firmly in place, and schooled herself to a smooth blankness. Natalia cleared her throat softly, automatically rearranging the papers on her small worktable, and kept her eyes on those, instead of the man across the desk.
"...maybe we will," she replied woodenly. "But maybe we won't. No way to know." It was tearing her apart inside, hearing the thread of anger in his voice. But she had no choice, none at all. And if losing him was the consequence of saving his life, then so be it. She'd just have to pay it.
"Enjoy your work," Bucky says. He wants it to be clipped and cold but it comes out softer and more hurt than he wants it to. "Be sure to let Howard know where to find me if he needs me."
He wants nothing more than to just pull her into his arms and forgive her, bring her to Switzerland and coax her into sharing the secret with him, but he knows he can't do that. He's the one who's fucked up now, who can't trust what's real and what isn't and he doesn't even know if his whole relationship was real. Was any of it real? Or did he just have some information she wanted? He's sure he's spilled plenty of it on the pillow.
Had he fucked the Allies against HYDRA? Is she a spy or something? He has no idea what's true and what isn't and decides that until he knows his own brain again, he can't be sharing himself with anyone else. Especially not her.
"I think...I don't think I'm the kind of guy you wanna be with anymore." He fingers some of the papers on her desk. "And maybe I haven't been for a while but I know I'm not now. But I love you even if it's not...if I'm not me anymore. It was all real for me."
It seemed impossible that only a few short hours ago, they'd been entangled in each other's arms, warm beneath her blankets. Now, they were stilted and cool, both of them pretending they didn't hurt as much as they did. She recognized the signs, at least. It was a game she'd been playing all of her life.
She started to inform him that she wasn't his damned secretary, and that if he wanted Stark to know where he was going, that he should tell him his own damned self, but she bit her tongue against the hot retort. Natalia had resumed her seat before Bucky spoke again, and this time, the words made her hands still.
"...that's not true," she finally answered, looking up at him softly. "You're still the same man you were before, nothing's changed." God, if only that were the truth. "But...take the time you need, James. I'll...I'll be all right." What choice did she even have?
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"I guess you're too busy with the other thing, though, whatever it is. I know I remember that. I know I do. I just don't know why you'd try to lie to me about it. You can trust me, you know."
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She was just about to say that she could go ask Howard if there was anything he needed across the border, but then James said that, and Natalia paused, frozen. And frowned. "...I have no idea what you're talking about, James." Her heart screamed in pain, but she insisted, "I haven't lied about anything."
Just to have something to do, she thrust a few papers into a folder, adding, "If this is about your--hallucinations, I don't know what else to tell you."
no subject
Or, perhaps not, since clearly she'd rather make him doubt his own mind than trust him with her secrets when he's laid himself completely bare for her more than once.
"I've always been honest with you. You're worth that to me."
no subject
"...maybe we will," she replied woodenly. "But maybe we won't. No way to know." It was tearing her apart inside, hearing the thread of anger in his voice. But she had no choice, none at all. And if losing him was the consequence of saving his life, then so be it. She'd just have to pay it.
"Enjoy your leave, Sergeant Barnes."
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He wants nothing more than to just pull her into his arms and forgive her, bring her to Switzerland and coax her into sharing the secret with him, but he knows he can't do that. He's the one who's fucked up now, who can't trust what's real and what isn't and he doesn't even know if his whole relationship was real. Was any of it real? Or did he just have some information she wanted? He's sure he's spilled plenty of it on the pillow.
Had he fucked the Allies against HYDRA? Is she a spy or something? He has no idea what's true and what isn't and decides that until he knows his own brain again, he can't be sharing himself with anyone else. Especially not her.
"I think...I don't think I'm the kind of guy you wanna be with anymore." He fingers some of the papers on her desk. "And maybe I haven't been for a while but I know I'm not now. But I love you even if it's not...if I'm not me anymore. It was all real for me."
no subject
She started to inform him that she wasn't his damned secretary, and that if he wanted Stark to know where he was going, that he should tell him his own damned self, but she bit her tongue against the hot retort. Natalia had resumed her seat before Bucky spoke again, and this time, the words made her hands still.
"...that's not true," she finally answered, looking up at him softly. "You're still the same man you were before, nothing's changed." God, if only that were the truth. "But...take the time you need, James. I'll...I'll be all right." What choice did she even have?