"Enjoy your work," Bucky says. He wants it to be clipped and cold but it comes out softer and more hurt than he wants it to. "Be sure to let Howard know where to find me if he needs me."
He wants nothing more than to just pull her into his arms and forgive her, bring her to Switzerland and coax her into sharing the secret with him, but he knows he can't do that. He's the one who's fucked up now, who can't trust what's real and what isn't and he doesn't even know if his whole relationship was real. Was any of it real? Or did he just have some information she wanted? He's sure he's spilled plenty of it on the pillow.
Had he fucked the Allies against HYDRA? Is she a spy or something? He has no idea what's true and what isn't and decides that until he knows his own brain again, he can't be sharing himself with anyone else. Especially not her.
"I think...I don't think I'm the kind of guy you wanna be with anymore." He fingers some of the papers on her desk. "And maybe I haven't been for a while but I know I'm not now. But I love you even if it's not...if I'm not me anymore. It was all real for me."
It seemed impossible that only a few short hours ago, they'd been entangled in each other's arms, warm beneath her blankets. Now, they were stilted and cool, both of them pretending they didn't hurt as much as they did. She recognized the signs, at least. It was a game she'd been playing all of her life.
She started to inform him that she wasn't his damned secretary, and that if he wanted Stark to know where he was going, that he should tell him his own damned self, but she bit her tongue against the hot retort. Natalia had resumed her seat before Bucky spoke again, and this time, the words made her hands still.
"...that's not true," she finally answered, looking up at him softly. "You're still the same man you were before, nothing's changed." God, if only that were the truth. "But...take the time you need, James. I'll...I'll be all right." What choice did she even have?
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He wants nothing more than to just pull her into his arms and forgive her, bring her to Switzerland and coax her into sharing the secret with him, but he knows he can't do that. He's the one who's fucked up now, who can't trust what's real and what isn't and he doesn't even know if his whole relationship was real. Was any of it real? Or did he just have some information she wanted? He's sure he's spilled plenty of it on the pillow.
Had he fucked the Allies against HYDRA? Is she a spy or something? He has no idea what's true and what isn't and decides that until he knows his own brain again, he can't be sharing himself with anyone else. Especially not her.
"I think...I don't think I'm the kind of guy you wanna be with anymore." He fingers some of the papers on her desk. "And maybe I haven't been for a while but I know I'm not now. But I love you even if it's not...if I'm not me anymore. It was all real for me."
no subject
She started to inform him that she wasn't his damned secretary, and that if he wanted Stark to know where he was going, that he should tell him his own damned self, but she bit her tongue against the hot retort. Natalia had resumed her seat before Bucky spoke again, and this time, the words made her hands still.
"...that's not true," she finally answered, looking up at him softly. "You're still the same man you were before, nothing's changed." God, if only that were the truth. "But...take the time you need, James. I'll...I'll be all right." What choice did she even have?