ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only | Expand All

Bucky is trying to imagine that. He watched her for hours and hours while she got off on his left hand? This is...a lot. Still, if it's her thing, it's her thing.

And it definitely looks like her thing.

"What kinda stuff did I used to say to you? Did I teach you English dirty words?"

The reaction in his face is enough to slow her motions and slip off his hand moving to lay on the bed as next to him. She doesn't pull away from him, it's not an effort to run away, but it's too much to want to feel good anymore and she just goes quite, not answering the question. She tugs at a blanket to pull it over her, in a sign that she had no intention of running off, but she just closes her eyes and tries to brace herself again.

It had gone from so much fun, to trying to continue it after he came and she feels gross now.

"Natasha...shit. This is why I was afraid," Bucky says softly. "Because I'm not him. I'm not him and I hurt you."

God, he doesn't even know what to do. He doesn't even know what to do. He doesn't want Natasha to feel unwanted by him, especially when she'd made him feel so wanted before.

"I'm sorry."

"Just shut up for a second please..." she sighs and as takes a deep breath and let's her emotions settle. Trying to calm all the stupid bullshit that things like hormones do to your head, it's why emotions are dangerous when they interact with sexual things. That's why she never did things with anyone that she actually liked. Meaningless sex, that was what was safe.

It's a long moment before she turns on her side so she can look over at him.

"This has absolutely nothing to do with you not being him, please stop using that as an excuse."

"I'm not comfortable with the same things he apparently loved," Bucky says softly. "And I ruined it for you and I'm sorry. There's stuff I do like, though. Things I know I like. I can...I can make it better."

Bucky just wants to make Natasha happy and he feels like he's let her down just now.

"And that's okay that you don't like the same things..." she says with a sigh bringing her hand up to cover her eyes in frustration. She's not going to get mad at say things that will hurt him even though in some minds she wants to because it feels like she's dealing with a toddler.

"You don't have to be, but you can't look at me like I'm fucking horrible James. You just have to say things. Change the action on whatever it is... You're allowed to be different but you can't judge me for it. You have to use your goddamn words."

"I didn't realize I was looking at you like that. I didn't mean to," Bucky says. God, he's really fucked it up, and now he doesn't know what to do. Flipping her over to go down on her is probably not going to solve the problem at all and he thinks it might make it worse.

"And I'm not ever going to judge you for anything. You like what you like, Natasha. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't judge you for what you like, I promise I don't."

It's a long pause and a sigh before she sits up, holding her blanket across her body to hide it and she is just glaring daggers into his eyes.

"You are not listening to me. Stop it. Stop it!" She adds the second one with emphasis. His lack of ability to communicate is driving her nuts at this point and she just shakes her head.

"I don't give a shit that you're not him. I don't give a shit that I didn't get off. I do give a shit that you just keep apologizing and won't fucking talk to me. Be you! Talk to me! Just fucking give me a chance and stop trying to be so sure you know what I want, you fucking idiot."

Bucky blinks a little, taken aback that Natasha has yelled at him and called him a fucking idiot. He hadn't expected that, honestly, and he doesn't really know what to do with it. He's been apologizing because he had done something wrong but now he's not supposed to apologize?

"What am I supposed to say? The woman I'm falling in love with tells me this is how she wants to get off and I do it but it's strange to me because I've never done it before," Bucky says. He knows he's raising his voice and he shouldn't.

"I just want to be with you, Natasha. That's all. I keep fucking it up because I'm scared. You mean everything to me."

"Sweetheart, no..." she softens looking at him gently his reaction taking her aback a little bit. "I didn't want to do it just because I love it, I was trying to show you something because you keep talking about memories and I was trying to help you with that..." she sighs.

It had been something simple because grinding on him had felt good, so the continuation of that had made sense for her. It obviously hadn't for him however.

"How about instead of being scared, and guessing. You just tell me -- you were uncomfortable. What made you uncomfortable about it? Was it because you'd already come?"

"No, it's because it's my left hand," Bucky says quickly. "Doesn't matter to me which order we come in as long as everyone has a good time. But my left hand...I only ever use it to hurt people or now it's just a tool. I don't look at it or think about it as a sexual object."

Bucky sighs a little. "But I didn't want to disappoint you because you said you liked it so much and we used to do it together. That's all."

"It's not, but even if it was -- this arm is not. This arm is brand new and to be used for whatever you want to use it for James.." she says softly.

"I'm not afraid of this arm, and I'm not afraid of the other one either," She assures her and leans in to lean against his shoulder to try to give him some affection. "It's not some sexual object, it's just a part of you, but if you don't want me to touch it because it makes you uncomfortable."

She lightens the conversation by adding, "It's just the same about if I was like, please don't touch my ass I don't like that."

"Yeah, that's kinda what it's like," Bucky says quietly. "I should have just said something. I just didn't want to disappoint you because it was something you used to do with him."

Bucky has to separate it that way because he doesn't remember that time and he can't pretend that he does and hurt them both.

"But next time I'll speak up if it's something I don't like."

She leans into him a little bit more and takes his flesh hand squeezing it.

"But I don't want to have sex with him, I want to have sex with James. It feels like you can't trust me on this and it's frustrating to me..." she admits, but her thumb is stroking over the back of his hand.

"You didn't want to have sex with me, so I offered something else, it's okay -- I don't react badly to a change of plans, I was okay with not having sex, why wouldn't I be okay with a different way to get off? It hurts that you don't trust me."

"I do trust you," Bucky assures her. "And I'm sorry it doesn't seem like that. I think we need to just bury him like an ex. I'm always going to wonder if I'm good enough to compete to myself and I'm always going to lose. But if he's someone else that's gone, I'm different. I'm another person. So if you want to be with James, you have James."

Bucky hopes this fixes the problem. Maybe if he doesn't think about the previous him, it will be all right.

"Is that all right? Can we do that?"

She doesn't let go of his hand, she's trying to assure him that she's there for him. She is, so the question catches her off guard. She's not particularly sure what he means in that way so instead she just turns a little bit to look at him.

"What exactly do you mean by that, James?"

"I want you to treat me like I'm brand new. We're getting to know one another because I'm still learning you, Natasha, but you already know a completely different version of me. I don't remember that person no matter how hard I try. I want to be James, your boyfriend. I don't want to fight with the past."

Bucky doesn't know if that makes sense to Natasha but it's the only way he can think to explain it.

"I do treat you like you're brand new," she protests and looks at him for a moment before dropping his hand.

"But I'm sorry, I can't, I wont, and I refuse to let you pretend that in your history you have been nothing but a monster who is worth killing. I refuse to cross that line just because you can't remember it. I will wait forever, and I will love you for who you are now. I will not burry my past."

She drops his hand and looks at him with a frown.

"If you want me to leave I understand."

"I don't want you to leave."

Bucky doesn't think it's right for a man to cry and he doesn't really want to do it but he hopes that if he tips his face down a bit, she won't notice it. Then again, she's a spy, so she'll know just by the sound of his voice, won't she?

"I just can't get it right, you know? Let me try again, Natasha. I'll give you a nice date tomorrow, yeah? Do you trust me?"

"If you don't want me to leave, then I won't leave," she says like it's the simplest thing in the world. She reaches back for his forearm and gives it a squeeze.

"James, you'll get it right. Just think about me, don't think about him," she reassures him and sighs. It's like he's more hung up on that then being here in the moment with her. It was obvious with that when they were messing around.

"I don't need a date, but I'll go -- I just need you to concentrate on being with me. I keep telling you this, to feel. James, I don't even know how else to say it."

"Yeah, I know. I'm just fucked in the head," Bucky says. "I have to stop thinking and just start feeling."

Bucky reaches up and strokes her hair, letting the strands play over his fingers. He loves her hair, glossy and smooth, and he wishes he could touch it all the time.

"Can I turn off my brain? Is there a switch?"

Natasha leans into the touches of her hair. It feels relaxing in some of the best ways honestly. She takes a moment and tugs the blanket from the bed to wrap it around her completely so that when she moves to crawl into his lap there's a blanket between them, making sure it doesn't seem sexual.

She lays her head on his shoulder and is quite for a moment when she tries to think of the answer.

"You did a good job when your dick was hard, but obviously outside of that we have a problem. I think we need to work on your impulses though, if you just... do what you want as opposed to thinking about things it might help?"

"When you say it that way, it sounds like I'm extremely selfish," Bucky says, laughing nervously. "That I'm good when I'm getting something for myself but I fall apart when I go to pleasure my girl. We've gotta fix that problem."

Bucky would do it now but he thinks it's better that they have this time to touch and talk and cuddle.

She giggles at that, because it's not what she had been suggesting at all. She leans in closer and nuzzles her face into his neck fondly to hide just how funny she thinks it is.

"I more meant, maybe when all the blood rushed from your head to your dick it kept you from thinking as much."

Bucky laughs at that, an actual full laugh, and he shakes his head. Of course. He's much better at everything when his brain's turned off.

"So I guess we just have to keep me horny all the time so I won't think about anything, yeah?"

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject