ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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"Yeah," Bucky says. "I do feel better. A lot better." Nothing happened to him when he was with her and he feels closer to Natasha, not violated. It's...good. It's good to share that with someone again.

"I didn't do anything for you, though," he murmurs. "I have to do something about that. I can't just...not. You deserve it."

She presses closer to him and nuzzles at his jawline. It doesn't bother her if she doesn't get off, really at all. She's in no rush, and she still felt really good grinding on him.

"If you wanna get me off, I can show you one of my favorite old tricks we used to do?" She asks curiously but doesn't make an effort to move away from him right now she's just happy to be close and laying half on top of him.

"I think I would be interested in seeing that, actually," Bucky says, laughing warmly. "If it's something really weird, though, I'm going to question the other half of myself and his preferences."

Or maybe not because clearly it was something they did together and Natasha had enjoyed it.

"What did we used to do?"

She giggles at that, the idea that it’s somehow very weird is amusing to her. The craziest they got was hushed quickies in places they could get caught.

“Sit up against the headboard because you are very much going to enjoy the show, I promise…” she says moving to push to sit up and kneel on the bed next to him.

Bucky moves up back against the headboard and settles himself, enjoying how beautiful Natasha looks. He'd have to be blind not to enjoy it and she says he'll enjoy the show and he wonders, exactly, what kind of show he's going to get.

"All right, I guess I'm gonna see a show."

“Gimme your left hand…”

She crawls over his lap to straddle him, taking his hand and holding it out. She adjusts to fingers and a thumb into the right position and slides slowly onto the fingers, adjusting his thumb a little bit to get it just right as she starts to grind slowly against his thumb hips rolling in an easy pattern as she grins down at him.

“God I forgot how good this could be …”

Bucky is a little shocked. He's never looked at his left hand as anything but monstrous and now, with Wakandan help, it's a tool to be used but seeing it as an object to be used during sex is something else entirely. He's not actually sure what he feels about it.

Natasha certainly feels a way about it, though, because her face shows she's enjoying it and he thinks he needs to just relax and go with it. If she's enjoying it, after all, shouldn't he be enjoying it too?

“Can you feel anything with this one?” She asks curiously as she just slowly rides his hand, putting on a little bit of a show for him. This had all started with him years ago when he figured out the lack of fatigue with it meant he could absolutely drive her nuts with orgasm after orgasm. That was when they had the rare chance to take their time on each other.

She reaches for his other hand and brings it to one of he breasts that bounce with each thrust of her hips. She’s just trying to make him relax and properly enjoy it cause she still can’t figure out if he is.

It's better when he's touching her and Bucky lets himself get more into it, rolling his thumb against her nipple and arching his own hips up a bit while she balances on his arm. When she asks if he can feel anything, he shakes his head.

"No, I can't feel anything," he says. It's wistful, though, because he wishes that he could.

“You’d feel how damn wet you make me…” she reassures him and starts to rock a little quicker against him, like she’s urgent and horny after all of this. Because honestly she is.

“You used to like to watch me do this for hours, orgasm after orgasm ….”

Bucky is trying to imagine that. He watched her for hours and hours while she got off on his left hand? This is...a lot. Still, if it's her thing, it's her thing.

And it definitely looks like her thing.

"What kinda stuff did I used to say to you? Did I teach you English dirty words?"

The reaction in his face is enough to slow her motions and slip off his hand moving to lay on the bed as next to him. She doesn't pull away from him, it's not an effort to run away, but it's too much to want to feel good anymore and she just goes quite, not answering the question. She tugs at a blanket to pull it over her, in a sign that she had no intention of running off, but she just closes her eyes and tries to brace herself again.

It had gone from so much fun, to trying to continue it after he came and she feels gross now.

"Natasha...shit. This is why I was afraid," Bucky says softly. "Because I'm not him. I'm not him and I hurt you."

God, he doesn't even know what to do. He doesn't even know what to do. He doesn't want Natasha to feel unwanted by him, especially when she'd made him feel so wanted before.

"I'm sorry."

"Just shut up for a second please..." she sighs and as takes a deep breath and let's her emotions settle. Trying to calm all the stupid bullshit that things like hormones do to your head, it's why emotions are dangerous when they interact with sexual things. That's why she never did things with anyone that she actually liked. Meaningless sex, that was what was safe.

It's a long moment before she turns on her side so she can look over at him.

"This has absolutely nothing to do with you not being him, please stop using that as an excuse."

"I'm not comfortable with the same things he apparently loved," Bucky says softly. "And I ruined it for you and I'm sorry. There's stuff I do like, though. Things I know I like. I can...I can make it better."

Bucky just wants to make Natasha happy and he feels like he's let her down just now.

"And that's okay that you don't like the same things..." she says with a sigh bringing her hand up to cover her eyes in frustration. She's not going to get mad at say things that will hurt him even though in some minds she wants to because it feels like she's dealing with a toddler.

"You don't have to be, but you can't look at me like I'm fucking horrible James. You just have to say things. Change the action on whatever it is... You're allowed to be different but you can't judge me for it. You have to use your goddamn words."

"I didn't realize I was looking at you like that. I didn't mean to," Bucky says. God, he's really fucked it up, and now he doesn't know what to do. Flipping her over to go down on her is probably not going to solve the problem at all and he thinks it might make it worse.

"And I'm not ever going to judge you for anything. You like what you like, Natasha. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't judge you for what you like, I promise I don't."

It's a long pause and a sigh before she sits up, holding her blanket across her body to hide it and she is just glaring daggers into his eyes.

"You are not listening to me. Stop it. Stop it!" She adds the second one with emphasis. His lack of ability to communicate is driving her nuts at this point and she just shakes her head.

"I don't give a shit that you're not him. I don't give a shit that I didn't get off. I do give a shit that you just keep apologizing and won't fucking talk to me. Be you! Talk to me! Just fucking give me a chance and stop trying to be so sure you know what I want, you fucking idiot."

Bucky blinks a little, taken aback that Natasha has yelled at him and called him a fucking idiot. He hadn't expected that, honestly, and he doesn't really know what to do with it. He's been apologizing because he had done something wrong but now he's not supposed to apologize?

"What am I supposed to say? The woman I'm falling in love with tells me this is how she wants to get off and I do it but it's strange to me because I've never done it before," Bucky says. He knows he's raising his voice and he shouldn't.

"I just want to be with you, Natasha. That's all. I keep fucking it up because I'm scared. You mean everything to me."

"Sweetheart, no..." she softens looking at him gently his reaction taking her aback a little bit. "I didn't want to do it just because I love it, I was trying to show you something because you keep talking about memories and I was trying to help you with that..." she sighs.

It had been something simple because grinding on him had felt good, so the continuation of that had made sense for her. It obviously hadn't for him however.

"How about instead of being scared, and guessing. You just tell me -- you were uncomfortable. What made you uncomfortable about it? Was it because you'd already come?"

"No, it's because it's my left hand," Bucky says quickly. "Doesn't matter to me which order we come in as long as everyone has a good time. But my left hand...I only ever use it to hurt people or now it's just a tool. I don't look at it or think about it as a sexual object."

Bucky sighs a little. "But I didn't want to disappoint you because you said you liked it so much and we used to do it together. That's all."

"It's not, but even if it was -- this arm is not. This arm is brand new and to be used for whatever you want to use it for James.." she says softly.

"I'm not afraid of this arm, and I'm not afraid of the other one either," She assures her and leans in to lean against his shoulder to try to give him some affection. "It's not some sexual object, it's just a part of you, but if you don't want me to touch it because it makes you uncomfortable."

She lightens the conversation by adding, "It's just the same about if I was like, please don't touch my ass I don't like that."

"Yeah, that's kinda what it's like," Bucky says quietly. "I should have just said something. I just didn't want to disappoint you because it was something you used to do with him."

Bucky has to separate it that way because he doesn't remember that time and he can't pretend that he does and hurt them both.

"But next time I'll speak up if it's something I don't like."

She leans into him a little bit more and takes his flesh hand squeezing it.

"But I don't want to have sex with him, I want to have sex with James. It feels like you can't trust me on this and it's frustrating to me..." she admits, but her thumb is stroking over the back of his hand.

"You didn't want to have sex with me, so I offered something else, it's okay -- I don't react badly to a change of plans, I was okay with not having sex, why wouldn't I be okay with a different way to get off? It hurts that you don't trust me."

"I do trust you," Bucky assures her. "And I'm sorry it doesn't seem like that. I think we need to just bury him like an ex. I'm always going to wonder if I'm good enough to compete to myself and I'm always going to lose. But if he's someone else that's gone, I'm different. I'm another person. So if you want to be with James, you have James."

Bucky hopes this fixes the problem. Maybe if he doesn't think about the previous him, it will be all right.

"Is that all right? Can we do that?"

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