ostavil | 001 wakanda

001 wakanda

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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"What did my hair look like then?"

It's an impromptu question, only asked because Natasha has her hand in his hair again and it feels so good that he almost can't string a sentence together. He wonders if she touched his hair like this back then, back during those times he doesn't remember. His dreams showed him with long hair but he has long hair now so he might have simply imagined it that way because it's how he looks now.

"Was it like this?"

The first question he's asked, and she's more then happy to answer that. She smiles at that carding her fingers through his hair a bit quicker in response to it.

"It was long, just like this," she says with a smile. "Sometimes when your head was hurting you'd lay your head in my lap and I'd just run my fingers through your hair for hours, it's why I decided to ask to wash it."

She explains the first day they'd spent together here in Wakanda.

"I thought it might help you relax still to this day."

"Huh. I did like it when you washed it," Bucky admits. He likes her touching it right now, too, and her description of stroking it while his head's in her lap sounds like the most relaxing thing in the world. He realizes now that her washing his hair had been just as much for her as it was for him.

"I thought nobody had ever done that for me," Bucky says. "But it felt so good that I didn't know how to ask for it again. Guess you know me better than I know me at this point considering you can fill in all my blanks."

She combs her fingers through his hair a bit more, brushing some out of his face. He’s handsome, she wonders what he would look like with shorter hair, she’s pretty sure he’d be handsome no matter how his hair was.

“Not all of them, but some. And I’d be happy to fill in what I can for you whenever you want … if you ever decide that you do.”

“I can wash your hair again tomorrow for you if you want, it looks nice today still, I don’t think it’s quite ready for another wash yet.”

"Maybe we could see about actually doing it in a shower this time. Unless that's...crossing a line. It doesn't have to be sex, it can just be a shower."

They've both seen each other naked dozens of times, surely, even if he doesn't remember it and he's not so out of control that he can't see a woman naked and not keep his hands to himself. It can just be hair washing. It's just more convenient in the shower.

She starts to giggle at that and gives him a look.

“I will absolutely have just a shower with you- but you should know that shower was absolutely the first place we ever got dirty together,” she tells him carding fingers through his hair.

“I tried to sneak up on you, and you caught me … then we “practiced” my English and you taught me some very dirty words” she adds with a chuckle.

"I can imagine how many dirty words I taught you," Bucky says, laughing softly. "I went through an entire war. I think I know filthy words in every language, not just English."

It then dawns on him that she said that's the first time they ever got dirty together and he colors a little.

"The first-first time?"

“I am somehow not surprise at all that you know all the dirty words…” she says grinning at him. It’s like that idea has him relaxed a little bit. However when he asks the next question to her the grin fades and something a bit more nostalgic takes over her expression.

“Well, it was my first time with someone I got to choose, the first time just for fun. So you might say it counted like that —“ the seriousness changes as she adds teasingly. “Don’t tell me you’ve got a virginity kink”

Bucky gives her an awkward look and wonders how he can play this off. Being called out on a specific kink - whether it is his kink or not - is a little embarrassing for him. Maybe it won't always be that way and maybe it wasn't when he worked with the Red Room but he's still finding his footing right now and trying to feel comfortable in his own skin again.

"Well, I didn't know. I just thought if I was your first, it was important to know. But I kinda was, I guess, so it doesn't matter. The actual physical...for fucks' sake, Natasha, I'm terrible at talking about this. Are you sure I used to be smooth? Because I was in the 40's but I sure as hell am not now."

She picks up on the awkwardness that he’s feeling and she just melts a little more pulling him in for a hug so she can lean in and kiss his cheek for a moment.

“Sweetheart, you just made sure to check with me to make sure you understand how important something like that is to me. That is smooth and caring — I’m the idiot who turned it into a joke..”

She pulls back and looks him in the eye and shrugs. “I guess sometimes I’m still bitter about the work I had to do sometimes when I was in the room…”

"I'm bitter about it too. What I remember of being the Winter Soldier...I got used too. Maybe not the same was as Widows because you have to use your sexuality to get information, to eliminate targets. I remember being locked up in my body while I got used."

On this, they can agree, and Bucky is sad that they can. Nobody should have to go through the things they've been through.

"It's not fair to have to use something as intimate as sex as a weapon."

She nods, it's true and he's right. They both have been through too much and it's not fair for either of them.

"It was too much for both of us, but now we're out -- and we never have to go back James. Instead we get to be the good guys..." She says and looks at his eyes carefully trying to judge how he feels about the idea of working in the field at all and adds.

"Or you can be a cute stay at home boyfriend, who keeps a lot of plants and cooks dinner."

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back out there," he admits. "So I might be staying at home for a while." Bucky does stumble over "boyfriend" a little and turn it over in his mind because that implies that Natasha wants something with him, something real, and it's a little hard to believe that she does even knowing their history together.

"You ready to agree to that? Being in a relationship? Or was boyfriend just casual and something to make the joke flow well?"

She moves her hand from his hair down to his cheek to cup his face giving him a soft smile.

"Darling, I figure whenever you want that, I will want that. Whenever it is..." she says softly with a smile. "You got me wrapped around your finger and don't even know it."

Then she gets the impulse and she leans in to kiss him, because well, she's not sure it will do them any harm and she wants to kiss him. Besides, he's looked at her like he'd like to kiss her often and she can't help but want to kiss him.

So she does, it's soft and gentle, and slow but it's clearly romantic trying to pour all her feelings over him so she can stop talking about it. She hates words sometimes, and there's been so many words between them recently.

The kiss is a surprise but perhaps it shouldn't have been. Natasha's lips are soft and Bucky hasn't kissed anyone in so long that he doesn't even know where to start. It's easy to remember, though, and he puts his hands at Natasha's waist and deepens it after a few moments.

It feels good to kiss her, to resolve some of these feelings that have been bouncing around in his head, and some of the confusion he's been feeling is melting away. She's said over and over that she's a sure thing, that she's waiting on him, but he hasn't felt that truly until right now.

She let's him kiss her slow, gentle, but she wraps his legs around his waist because she can, keeping him there, close. When the kiss breaks she doesn't let him go and instead just smiles against them for a moment resting her forehead against his.

"Stop worrying, and just feel yeah?" she says softly, a promise something that both of them can do. "It'll all work out, we just have to let it okay?"

"It's really okay that I'm not him?"

Bucky is nervous about it, truly nervous, and he doesn't want to ruin this thing he wants because he's missing his memories. He wants everything. He wants to have someone care about him so he can care about them back and have something to tether him so he doesn't feel so lost.

"Just be you, James."

It's a statement, a hint of a order behind the voice. She's not going to spend a decade arguing this with him but she knows she'll have to remind him for a while now. She's starting to think that maybe he needs a stronger push to tell him these things then her wishy-washy answers of that she'll always be there waiting or whatever.

"Stop trying to compare things and just be you."

"Did you still want to get that shower?"

Natasha had said his hair looked fine today but you don't always have to wash your hair in the shower and Bucky thinks that's a way to maybe...relive something. Maybe it's a stupid idea but if she's up for it, he is, and he thinks maybe it's a good start on being together.

She's still got her legs wrapped around him as he asks and she hums for a moment like she's considering it. She's not really, but a girl can't be too eager to get naked with her ex that would just be weird. Okay, well, the entire situation is weird already.

"I suppose we could try that if you carry me, because I'm pretty damn comfortable right here, Soldat."

Bucky laughs at that. If carrying her is the price to get her to share a shower with him, he thinks that actually benefits him more than exchanging anything. It's something he'd like to do regardless, not to trade for something else.

It's nothing to pick her up into his arms and she's so light she might as well be a duffel bag. He lifts her up with her legs still wrapped around him and makes his way to the bathroom that way before setting her down.

"One carry for Natasha Romanoff so I think that means one shower for Bucky Barnes, yeah?"

"I can't argue with that logic, James," She says teasingly and tugs off her t-shirt. She's wearing a sports bra under it, practical, like she does pretty much all the time that's not a specific date night or anything like that. Look, she's a practical woman and it just makes sense.

She throws her shirt at him playfully.

"Next time you're taking me to a hotel that has a big bath, just so you know. I like baths."

"I think it would be a lot more fun in a big bath," Bucky agrees. He tugs off his own t-shirt but he doesn't have the benefit of another layer beneath it so it's bare skin he shows immediately and not more clothes.

He reaches down and pops the button on his jeans before he thinks about it and he decides that if he thinks too much about this, he'll get nervous, and he doesn't want to get nervous. No. He needs to just strip and be done with it.

So he does.

He leans over to start the shower and only after he has it going does he look back at Natasha. He keeps his eyes on her face for the moment, trying to see her reaction.

"Are you ready?"

She might have spent a little too much time checking out his cute butt while he stripped to have actually done anymore herself. So instead she just finds an excuse to delay him for a moment while she strips down the rest of the way herself.

"Tie your hair back, don't get it wet." She instructs before kicking off her underwear and hopping in the shower ahead of him blushing a little bit. She's not even sure why she's blushing or nervous but she is. She feels like she did when they first met all over again.

Bucky ties his hair back like she suggests and by the time he does, Natasha's already in the shower. Maybe it's a weird first date but they've done it before even if he doesn't remember it and maybe it's a way to be intimate without being completely intimate yet.

He steps into the shower and sets his hands on her shoulders, trying to keep her close to him even if the shower sort of forces that.

"Tell me why you call me James. Did I not remember I was Bucky when I was him? Or do you just like James better?"

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