001 wakanda

[ostavil]

There's peace in Wakanda. Bucky had spent a little while under the ice while Shuri figured out a way to work on his deprogramming and while it's been a painful process, it's a necessary one and he's glad for all her work on the tangled knot that's HYDRA and the mess inside his brain. It's all wired incorrectly, a bomb that never went off but still needs to be defused, and he's scared every time she goes in there that something will go wrong and he'll attack her; it hasn't happened yet.

When he isn't working with her or Ayo, he has a little hut to himself where there are goats and sometimes children come visit him to see the curious white man who has taken up on the fringes of Wakandan society. Steve has visited a few times but when they announce a visitor this time, it's apparently not Steve. They're still at the palace being received, though, so Bucky takes the time to tidy up where he's been staying as much as he can one-handed; he's neat by nature but he also isn't used to having company come by either.

Who could it be? Sam? Sharon? Bucky isn't sure who would come to visit him aside from those two and Steve. Tony Stark certainly wouldn't and he isn't sure the Wakandan government would even let him in. Would Wanda come to see him? He's not certain. He imagines she's in hiding the same as he is, trying to avoid the Sokovia Accords and their inevitable consequences on her. It seems she's suffering more from them than anyone else, even himself, so he doesn't think she'd risk coming to see him.

He catalogs the other people he knows and he comes up with Natasha. He's got a strange history with her. He's shot her twice while the Winter Soldier but curiously, both times, he'd shot her non-fatally. It's almost as if he'd known that she needed to live even if he didn't know her and that's not what the Winter Soldier does. He doesn't leave loose ends. He kills whoever is necessary, even an innocent bystander, and Natasha has been actively opposing him both times he's encountered her. Even when he'd been activated by Zemo he'd attacked her but didn't take her down. There's something in him that protects her and he wonders why that is and always has. He doesn't know why she'd visit him but he wouldn't turn it down, either, so when he hears someone at the door he calls for them to come inside.

"Come in, I'm not busy." He's just finishing up wiping down a counter in what counts for his kitchen and when he comes into view of the visitor, he sees that it is Natasha. Curious.

"Hi."

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[ostavil]

She's dead.

Bucky's used to the idea of needing to go dark for a while; when you work in the shadows, sometimes you need the shadows to engulf you before you come back out with your prize. Still, he doesn't expect Shuri to come see him and deliver the news that Natasha had died with the words that "she suspected he needed to hear it from a friend."

It's right he needed to hear it from a friend, Shuri's that and more, but when she leaves he punches the wall hard enough to scrape his knuckles and tries to decide what he needs to do about it. He shouldn't have gotten attached and he knows that but Natasha had made it kind of impossible NOT to get attached and now he's heartbroken with bloody knuckles.

She at least deserves to have her body buried and honored the way spies never get and he decides that even if he has to go to Siberia to do that, he will. He has gear and he can get weapons from the Wakandans if he explains what he wants to do but before he does that, he pulls out the burner she'd left him with and sends a text she won't ever get to read.

You made me happy and they stole it. I'm sorry. I should have gone with you.

[widowsdance]

She doesn’t get the message as she’d had to lose the phone in the mess. That night though her jet is able to land in Wakanda with only the royal palace knowing of it. Wakanda was able to keep secrets for years and while she might not want anyone knowing it was the safest option.

Plus she had to see James and let him know that she’s safe. She picks the lock on his hut door in the middle of the night stepping it.

She knows better to scare him away from getting close to him so instead when she’s inside the door she announces herself for wherever he may be, asleep or not.

“James ?”

[ostavil]

Bucky's asleep and while he used to be a light sleeper he isn't so much anymore and when he hears Natasha call his name, he knows it has to be a dream. Or a hallucination. Both are possible at the same time, honestly, and he sits up in bed and plows a hand through his hair before going out to the front room to just...check. Like he always does.

And he sees a ghost. "If I'm hallucinating shit, I don't know what kind of therapy I need for that but clearly I need it. You're actually a ghost, you know. You're not real."

[widowsdance]

She’s quiet for a long moment. The idea that he thinks she’s a ghost instead of a spy sends shivers down her spine or guilt. It’s not like she’d planed any of this but it’s somehow worse knowing she’d caused him any sort of pain.

“James, honey, it’s me, I’m home. I’m so sorry…” her voice is a little shaky as she tries to push through the emotion. She wants to run to him and hung him but figures it’s better to give him any space he needs.

[ostavil]

"You faked it? Is it my brain or is it real?"

Most days, he has it sorted out, but sometimes his brain tricks him and he doesn't want this to be one of those times. He's fine with being crazy but he'd like to keep that to bad dreams crazy and not actually hallucinating while awake crazy. Or is he awake? Hard to tell.

[widowsdance]

"I had too, there were too many people on my trail from both sides," it's soft and she holds out a hand, he's still across the room but she's offering it to him anyways so he can feel her.

"I'm here James, it's not your brain." She bites on the corner of her lip, she feels horrible that he thinks he's hallucinating, she wishes she could have planned all this better. Warned him somehow, but there wasn't time and it was too risky to go for any communication.

[ostavil]

Bucky crosses the room and touches her hand, then the other, and it takes him a moment to realize she's a mess. Her face is bruised, she seems to be favoring one side and whatever happened to her, it hadn't been pretty. If he'd been there, he would have taken those hits and protected her. He should have gone.

"Get your clothes off. You're hurt and I need to see what I need to do about it," he says. "Stitches and bandages at least. If it's worse than that, I'm sending you to Shuri."

[widowsdance]

She lets him take her hands and nods, but doesn't actually move to strip though she follows him. That is, until he mentions sending her to Shuri, she can't be seen in such a place. She trusts the family, but there's too many people in the castle who could cause issues.

"James, you can do whatever you want but I can't leave for a while. I need people to think I'm dead I can't just go off anywhere.."

She follows him into the kitchen and sits on the table wincing as she hoists herself up on it. She's clearly favoring her right side when she does so.

[ostavil]

"Well, I'm not going to let you die in the middle of Wakanda with me for a doctor," Bucky says stubbornly. "I have the serum and you don't. It's a lot easier to nurse me back to health in secret."

Still, he starts working on her clothes. Tac gear is made to be practical and functional but it still isn't the easiest to pull off in an emergency and he's careful with it, not wanting to hurt her any more than he has to. Once the vest is off and the shirt underneath, he can see there's a nasty wound on her right side.

"What the fuck did this? Someone try to flay you alive with a butcher's knife?"

[widowsdance]

"I wouldn't have made it all the way here on the damn jet if it was that bad..." she protests as she helps him with the clothes groaning as she has to move some of the biggest gash on the side.

"You can stitch it up and it'll be fine..." she protests glancing down at the wound in the memory of it all. Apparently falling out of the sky tends to be tough on the body.

"Caught some shrapnel in a crash is all.." she mutters letting him tend to the wound.

[ostavil]

"Yeah, yeah. If it was not so bad you wouldn't be hobbling around. Hang tight so I can get my first aid kit."

It's more than a standard first aid kit - Bucky has sutures and staples, antibiotics and painkillers and anesthetics. He gets some gloves out and slides them on and rubs the wound down with anesthetic. He has some forceps and he gives her a look.

"Was it a through and through or is the shrapnel still in there? Because I gotta get it out before I stitch it. I've got lidocaine but you might feel it."

[widowsdance]

"It should be clear," she groans as he starts to work in the wound. She doesn't need or want the pain killers particularly. Sometimes the pain itself is a good reminder of that they're still here and living.

"You can sew it up and it'll be fine, I've had people far less skilled then you do some of these over the years," she comments her mind thinking about the bullet wounds that he put in her himself. She winces when he starts to work on it more, unable to help herself.

"Besides you're the only one that will be stuck looking at the scar if you mess up too bad."

[ostavil]

"Oh, yeah, the scar is gonna be so awful," Bucky says, rolling his eyes. He hardly cares about that, honestly, and she should know. They both have scars inside and out. Once the wound's clean, he injects her with some of the lidocaine because he has it and if he can give her less pain, he will.

"I haven't sutured in a while but I should still remember," he says, starting the needle when she's had a chance to numb up.

[widowsdance]

"I trust you," she says when he starts to suture leaning back against the table. It's uncomfortable but that's it. It's easy to trust him, he's good at everything he does. Besides he knows how much junk he's been in over the years himself.

"I'm sorry I couldn't get in contact to tell you..." she murmurs softly in apology. She knows it must have been hard for him.

[ostavil]

"It's all right," Bucky assures her, concentrating on making the stitches small and neat so they won't come out too soon. He knows spies have to go dark sometimes and while it had upset him to think she was dead, he understands why she had to do it.

"I was just...devastated, you know? I didn't know how to process it."

[widowsdance]

“Well I should hope so,” she says her voice picking up a notch, it’s fond. She reaches out and grazes a hand across his cheek running her fingers across it. He’s soft, softer then he ever was before and it has this way of crawling into her chest and staying there and making her feel soft too.

“I’d be really bummed if you didn’t have feelings about me dying you know.”

[ostavil]

Bucky finishes with the stitches and finds another little spot that he can disinfect and close up with a butterfly bandage. It seems that other than bruises, she's all right now that he patched up the bullet wound, but he's still shaking from fear. He could have lost her.

"I know you can't promise you won't let this happen again but...if you could, god, I would ask you to. I need you too much to lose you."

[widowsdance]

“Hey…” she says softly the arms moving around his neck reassuringly. It’s quite, she watches his eyes carefully before giving him a the softest kind of smile.

“How about we just start with you holding on to me so you can remember I’m here yeah?”

[ostavil]

"Yeah, we can do that. I want to do that." Bucky wants to do it in bed but he thinks it might be a a better idea to start with the couch. He slides his arms around her waist and holds her close for a moment before leading her over to the couch.

"C'mere, let me hold you for a little while. I need to get some touch in for a while so I can remember you're here."

[widowsdance]

It’s vulnerable, the way she climbs into his lap on the couch. Sideways, laying her head against his shoulder. Soft in a way she wasn’t before, just letting him hold onto her.

She doesn’t tell him that he used do this when he’s come back from a mission wiped. When he knew her but didn’t know her fully, finding her again. It was too much to think about.

“My nose is probably all messed up from having broken it, hope you don’t mind me looking all beat up.”

[ostavil]

"Oh no, what will I do? A broken nose? The horror," Bucky deadpans. He runs his fingers over her hair and down her back and just enjoys having her close for now. She's warm and tangible in his arms and he doesn't have to worry about her being a ghost off the grid and for now, he's comforted.

"You know the looks don't matter to me," he says quietly. "I just don't want you to be in pain, that's all."

[widowsdance]

He's teasing her, and she doesn't even have it in her to fight back anymore. She's tired, of everything that happened. Of saving Yelena, of dragging her ass all the way back here and she just presses her forehead into his neck and let's him hold her.

"I'm tired," she murmurs softly there, as if it's an excuse for not being better prepared. Like she's afraid she's done something wrong is and is going to let him down by the way she is behaving here.

[ostavil]

"Well, you oughta be. You were just dead," Bucky says, trying to tease her. He softens for a moment though and just strokes her hair, enjoying the fact that she's here with him and he doesn't have to worry about anything right now.

"Do you wanna go get in bed?"

[widowsdance]

"Absolutely not," she murmurs and shakes her head against his shoulder. She'd flown all the way here and she absolutely is sure that she wants to spend some time here with him. She knows he'd still be here if she fell asleep but that's different.

"It was a fucking nightmare, and I'm not ready to relive that in my dreams yet," she adds with a murmur. She knows he knows exactly what that is like.

[ostavil]

"Well, I can understand that. I just thought you might need the rest with your injury," Bucky says, just wanting to let her know that he was thinking of her and not anything for him. Going to bed was definitely going to sleep and nothing else.

"Do you want to just curl up on the couch for a bit instead? I think you need to rest somehow if you're gonna start healing up."