She's right, of course, that it wouldn't be fair and as much as it hurts, he appreciates the honesty. If she'd started a relationship with him and never told him about their past, he'd feel betrayed and hurt and might not be able to repair anything between them ever.
Maybe it's better to end this before it starts.
Then she says it wasn't just that she was looking for the man she used to know but that she liked him as he was, that the movies he picked out were ones they used to watch together and he clenches his left hand in a fist just hearing the words.
She's leaving. She asks him not to hate himself when he remembers and he doesn't know if he can promise that but he does think he owes her an apology. How do you apologize to your ex that you don't remember your relationship? They don't make a greeting card for that.
***
Time passes. Steve visits again but wisely says nothing about Natasha. He brings everything he knows about the Black Widow program with him but asks him, pointedly, if this is a door he wants to open. Bucky knows that it is. He thinks he owes it to Natasha to try and remember who he used to be so he can resolve this thing between them.
It's a somber visit, honestly, and when Steve's gone, he starts poring through all the files. There's nothing about him in them. There wouldn't be - he's a very well-kept secret - but maybe there's something that's not so obvious between the lines.
There's mentions here and there of "an instructor" and "the American" and he guesses that's him. They're all very vague. No mission rundowns. No dossier. Nothing. It's a useless dead end. Everything is a dead end.
Then the dreams start.
It's never mission work. It's always being crammed into a hotel shower with Natasha or lying in bed with Natasha. It's stealing her little things to give to her that are literally worth nothing at all because it's a game between them and she smiles every time she gets some penny candy or a carved wooden toy or paper bill from some currency they've never seen before that he's folded up into a rose. It's stupid things, always, but she treats them like treasures.
He doesn't even know how to call her. He does know how to call Steve, though, so he does and he leaves a message asking for Natasha. If anyone can help him with this, it's her, and he still has feelings for her even if everything is fucked up right now.
no subject
Maybe it's better to end this before it starts.
Then she says it wasn't just that she was looking for the man she used to know but that she liked him as he was, that the movies he picked out were ones they used to watch together and he clenches his left hand in a fist just hearing the words.
She's leaving. She asks him not to hate himself when he remembers and he doesn't know if he can promise that but he does think he owes her an apology. How do you apologize to your ex that you don't remember your relationship? They don't make a greeting card for that.
Time passes. Steve visits again but wisely says nothing about Natasha. He brings everything he knows about the Black Widow program with him but asks him, pointedly, if this is a door he wants to open. Bucky knows that it is. He thinks he owes it to Natasha to try and remember who he used to be so he can resolve this thing between them.
It's a somber visit, honestly, and when Steve's gone, he starts poring through all the files. There's nothing about him in them. There wouldn't be - he's a very well-kept secret - but maybe there's something that's not so obvious between the lines.
There's mentions here and there of "an instructor" and "the American" and he guesses that's him. They're all very vague. No mission rundowns. No dossier. Nothing. It's a useless dead end. Everything is a dead end.
Then the dreams start.
It's never mission work. It's always being crammed into a hotel shower with Natasha or lying in bed with Natasha. It's stealing her little things to give to her that are literally worth nothing at all because it's a game between them and she smiles every time she gets some penny candy or a carved wooden toy or paper bill from some currency they've never seen before that he's folded up into a rose. It's stupid things, always, but she treats them like treasures.
He doesn't even know how to call her. He does know how to call Steve, though, so he does and he leaves a message asking for Natasha. If anyone can help him with this, it's her, and he still has feelings for her even if everything is fucked up right now.