ostavil | open post

"Owed 'em to you," Bucky says, shrugging. He's supposed to be casual like Becca and Carol said so he's trying to be casual without being aloof or seeming like he's angry or he doesn't like her anymore. It's hard. What if she thinks he just isn't interested anymore because it went bad? He guesses that's the risk he has to take.

"Somebody missed you so I thought I'd bring him down. He wants to go on a walk and I figured hey, I have private beachfront property, we can do a walk with a view. But he wanted another buddy so that's why I'm here. He's very insistent."

Yes, good, blame it on the dog.

Her eyebrows rose in surprise. "Oh. Um...well, sure." She hadn't been out of the guest house in four days. "Let me...put on some shoes, and grab a jacket." The wind was cool off of the Pacific. Natasha opened the door for both Bucky and Brooklyn to come inside; the back patio had a boardwalk down the small hill to the open sand.

Thankfully she'd opted for her comfortable yoga pants and a t-shirt; she didn't have to change, just add another layer or two. A light windbreaker sufficed, and it took only moments to pull on socks and tennis shoes. A messy ponytail completed the ensemble, and Natasha emerged from the bedroom with a friendlier smile than the one she'd offered at the door.

"All set."

She met Bucky's eye only once, trying not to let her mind's eye wander back to just a few short (long, devastatingly long) nights ago, when she'd been intimately tangled with this man in more ways than one.

"We can go across the patio, if you'd like."

"Patio's fine," Bucky agrees. It's the easiest way to get down to the boardwalk anyway and with his hands full of Brooklyn, he won't do something stupid like reach for her hand to hold it. Hopefully he can keep it together and not be an asshole or overwhelming or whatever else.

"You holding up okay? I think my mom probably sent over enough food for fifteen people when Becca told her you were sick."

It had been a convenient lie, at least, even if Carol hadn't seen through it. Carol sees everything, though, and she's not much of a talker. She's not one to spread gossip.

Natasha led the way down the staircase, saying back over her shoulder with a small laugh, "I'm good, promise. Your mom's chicken soup is wonderful, by the way. I have nearly an entire pot left over in the fridge. Which is great because I don't have to cook for a while." Yet another thing she hardly knew how to do.

When they reached the sand, she paused and gave Bucky a speculative glance of her own. "And are you okay? Becca said you'd been working nonstop, and trying to find inspiration at the bottom of a bottle." The disapproval in her voice was palpable; she couldn't hide it entirely.

"Is what it is," Bucky says, brushing it off. "Not gonna burden you with it. Pretty unfair to do that." Carol had said to stop doing that shit so this is him not doing that shit. It's easier to just...not talk about it than try to go halfway so for right now he's not talking about it.

"Chords aren't great when I'm drunk, have to go back and correct them when I'm sober, but the lyrics come out okay. Might use them on the album, might not. Haven't decided."

Brooklyn is sniffing just ahead of them and Bucky wishes he had something to say that isn't a grenade. Goddamnit.

"My liver can take it until I'm done having a bender."

Well. That was answer enough. Natasha abruptly closed her mouth and focused on walking, rather than being concerned. She too turned her focus to the pup, scampering here and there in front of them. And of course, now everything was even more awkward than before.

She should leave. She should just pack her things, her things, and move elsewhere. France, maybe. Or Saudi Arabia. Half a world away from this man who kept her in a constant state of frazzled. Because now, Natasha wasn't even sure if they could be friends anymore, not after the disaster of last weekend.

But she was still a professional, and the segue she offered next was, pray God, tepid enough not to erupt into a nuclear disaster. "How's Steve?"

"Good. Coming by this weekend. Look, Natasha, the advice I was given was to leave you the fuck alone. So this is leaving you the fuck alone," Bucky says, shrugging. "Feelings were made clear to me and I wanted one thing and it's not a thing you want. It's fine. We were friends before, we can be friends now."

Carol had said to talk about it with her so he's talking about it now. She'd also said something about asking Natasha out but that just seems like a bad idea.

"I'm not gonna barge into the house on you, you're welcome in my house, things will go on the way they should have. Does it hurt? Sure. But I'll drink my way through it and it'll...eventually it won't hurt anymore."

Hearing all of that, Natasha jerked to a halt, staring at Bucky with wide, surprised eyes. "...the advice?" Shocked, and a little hurt, she very nearly fell into a tirade of incredulous anger, but swallowed it back just in time. For it to be replaced with a cold, stony expression, that settled like concrete over her features.

"I appreciate it," she finally replied, white around the lips. So angry she could hardly keep from trembling, Natasha just clenched her fists, thankfully hidden by the long sleeves of her windbreaker, and forced a completely fake smile, cold as frozen bones. "But I don't think you'll have to worry about me anymore, Mr. Barnes. I've abused your hospitality for long enough. And while I can't thank you enough for your...kindness, I can get out of your hair quickly and let you...get back to work."

Or whatever the fuck he was doing, locked in his studio for days on end.

"Carol guessed," Bucky says softly. "I didn't tell her. I was keeping it a secret but she guessed, okay? She said to back off you because of Alex and be friends. And I am your friend. I was that before we slept together and I'd like to be that now. And I want you to stay so you have my security because I care about you."

Bucky rubs the bridge of his nose.

"I can't stop having feelings just because you don't have them, you know? So yeah, it hurts. I can't lie about being hurt. But it takes two people to be in a relationship no matter what kind of relationship it is and you don't want that with me. So I'd like to have what you'd like to have. That's it. Please don't be mad at me?"

His explanation about Carol cooled her temper a little, and Natasha felt some of her tension evaporate. Bucky then asked her not to be upset with him, and she could sense his sincerity, which went a long way towards easing the rest of her heated anger. Exhaling a sigh, Natasha crossed her arms, protective, and turned her head to stare out over the ocean, seeing nothing.

"...I don't know," she heard herself say, wooden. "What I want, I mean." She heaved another sigh, plunking down on a large rock protruding from the sand. "I know what I don't want," she added then, resting her arms on her thighs, hunched over. "I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what to do, I don't know...much of anything," she realized with a brittle laugh. Then shook her head.

"All of my life, I've had to pretend to be someone I wasn't. And now...now that I don't have to...I have no idea who to be. Because I've never known myself well enough to figure it out."

"Carol didn't know all that," Bucky says, "but she said your relationship was bad and you probably needed to figure yourself out. You can trust me, though. I'd never hurt you. Not on purpose. And I'd do anything to keep you safe. Natasha, I'd cut my right arm off for you and not even question it."

Bucky looks out at the ocean because that's easier than looking at her for the moment.

"When we...did what we did. I did it in love. Maybe you don't know who you are yet and you don't know how to be someone without pretending but you can trust that that night, everything I did was out of love for you. It wasn't just an act to me. And if that's all I ever get, it's all I ever get. Your well-being is more important than my feelings, you know? Love is selfless and unconditional. I just want you to be happy."

It was still so hard to hear it. That he cared about her, that he loved her, when he didn't even really know her. She didn't know herself; how could Bucky Barnes know her?! Natasha dropped her head, eyes closed against the idyllic scenery. She could grant the man a healthy sex drive - it wasn't the fact that they'd had sex that bothered her so much, because honestly, it'd been the most amazing thing she'd ever in her life experienced - but the fact that he so quickly tumbled head over heels for her, by his own admission.

"...I know," she finally whispered, not lifting her head. When she did, it was to again stare out over the crashing waves, pounding angry against the wet sand. She bit at her lower lip. "...and...and I'm sorry, James. That I can't return any of it." The wind whipped at her ponytail; she absently pushed it away, voice falling to a rough whisper. "...I just can't. ...and you deserve so much better than me..."

"There's not better," he counters. "Because you're the best there is. But you can't return it and I have to get over that. I can't keep pushing you into something you don't want and make you hate me. Then I don't get to be around you at all."

The waves are crashing against the shore and he watches them for a moment or two before he says anything else.

"If you ever can return it to someone, they're gonna be the luckiest person alive. It's just not me and it's not gonna be me. I'm not exactly...the type anyway. It was always gonna be a long shot. I'm not fitting in at the kind of places you're going, y'know? Maybe if I'd been that engineer with a 9-5 and not covered in ink it would be different but...I'm not that guy. The song was never gonna have a happy ending."

Later, she'd blame it on the rough wind that brought them out, but that was a lie, and Natasha knew it. The tears left cold trails on her cheeks, but she didn't call attention by wiping them away. She nearly scoffed at his latter words, wanting to disabuse him of those notions, but she just couldn't force the words out.

She did try, several times, and finally stood up from the rock, recrossing her arms again. "It's not that, James," she told him, turning around to face him. "I don't care about ink or metal music, I never have. But, look at you! You're a celebrity, everyone on the planet knows your name! You're gorgeous, you're famous, you're richer than Solomon, you could have any woman you wanted!"

Natasha was staring at him now, trying to make him understand. "I'm the one who's...well, nobody! I don't have money, I don't have a famous last name, I don't even have any family! It just makes no damned sense at all that you'd ever want someone like me!"

"Love doesn't make sense, Natasha. You can't just write an equation for love. I don't fucking care where you came from or what your name is or if you're famous. You could be homeless and I'd still love you because you're you. You're beautiful, you're smart as hell, you're kind, you make me laugh...I don't care about anything else. It doesn't need to make sense."

Bucky sighs a little.

"And I don't want just any woman, I want you, and you don't want me. And it's okay. I'll heal. But I won't heal if I can't have you in my life somehow. Be my friend, stay in the guest house as long as you want. I burn for you, Natasha, and I have to extinguish the flame before everything catches fire. That's all. That's what I have to do. It's not your responsibility to make me kill my feelings off. It's mine."

After that, Natasha didn't really know what to say. Thankfully, it seemed they silently agreed to just finish the walk, and did so, Bucky whistling for Brooklyn and the two of them continuing on without speaking further. It was just...too painful, and she didn't have anything else to offer. She couldn't be what he wanted. What he deserved. And that hurt more than she was willing to admit.

Becca tried to cheer her up, of course, proposing shopping and trips into the city, but Natasha politely declined, and finally asked the girl to please give her some peace, as she was planning on going back to work soon and needed to catch up before actually heading back into her office. Wilson, as he'd promised, paid her for her work on Barnes' behalf, and it was a relief when she was officially no longer employed by the band's label as their PR rep.

Still, she was a little hesitant about returning to her office; Alex would surely try to corner her there, and she wasn't too surprised when, the third day after she'd returned to work, Alice called her desk and told her that Mr. Shostakov was in the foyer, waiting for her.

Alice sticks her head in and mouths "sorry" before Alex comes in and sits in one of the chairs in her office, taking up more space than his body even occupies. It's a talent of his, being larger than life in some ways, and he's more than utilizing it now. He hasn't seen Natasha since the night she'd left and he gives her a look.

"You disappeared. I tried to find you but apparently you didn't want to be found. Shocking, really, considering we're in a relationship."

He doesn't like being out of control and having Natasha simply be gone for all this time means he's not had control over her.

She didn't blame Alice. It wasn't the girl's place to get involved in this shit. Natasha closed her laptop when the blond pilot strolled in and sat down, as if he owned the goddamn place. She calmly laced her fingers together and rested her hands atop her desk; she wasn't going to be baited ever again.

"Hello, Alex." Calm, professional. Cold. "I apologize if I wasn't clear the night that I left. You and I are no longer in any sort of relationship, personal, professional, or otherwise." She gave him the full weight of her gaze, fine brows furrowed.

"Is that clear?"

"Not particularly considering I don't accept that," Alex says. "You're just confused and you wanted to get your head clear. You've had plenty of time to think it over and you just need to go ahead and come home. There's no point in continuing this."

To him, it's simple. Natasha is his and always has been and there's no reason for her to live anywhere besides their home. There's no reason for her to keep staying away.

"You've hidden pretty well. I haven't been able to find you at all."

Her eyes narrowed. "It doesn't matter if you accept it or not," she told him frostily. "I ended it, and that's that." It was tempting to start yelling at him like a fishwife, but Natasha refused to let herself be brought down to that level. Histrionics and hot tempers weren't going to solve anything. Not with this man.

She stood up, fingertips resting lightly on her desk.

"Now, I'm asking you to leave my office and this building before I call the police. I don't want to have to do it, but if you insist on harassing me in this manner, I'll file a restraining order against you, Alex. I've already pressed charges for the marks you left on my face."

That court date was coming up very soon, in point of fact.

"Now, you know I just lost my temper," Alex says smoothly. On the inside, though, he's raging. Filing a police report because he got angry one night? That's ridiculous. He exhales through his nose and gives her a look that's cold as ice.

"This isn't finished, Natasha. You're going to come home and we're going to be happy like we always were. You're going to withdraw that report, tell them that it was a misunderstanding, and we're going to go on as we always have. You proved your little point."

"Bullshit," she suddenly snapped, her own temper beginning to flare. Classic Alex, to just take anything and everything she said and ignore it as if she'd never said a word at all. Before, she'd always backed down whenever he began his fit of temper, but in her own office? Never.

"It is finished, Alexander. I'm never coming back there. And I'll never withdraw that report. You will never hurt me again, do you understand me? We. Are. Done." She hit a button on her desk phone, opening the line to Alice in the front office.

"And if you don't get out of here right now, I will have you arrested for trespassing and harassment, and then inform your commanding officer of your conduct unbecoming!"

"It's the guy with the tattoos, isn't it? Fucked you and made you his little groupie so now you think you're the one? You know that men like that can't be faithful. You're being ridiculous. You need to come home, Natasha."

Alex does leave, though, because the threat of being arrested and having his CO called is more than enough to make him get the hell out of there. Once he's gone, Alice comes back into her office.

"Do you want me to call someone for you?"

Thank God Alex left her office, but Natasha was shaking with rage when Alice hesitantly crept around the door, blinking at her. "No," Natasha snapped, then forced herself to calm down enough to speak rationally.

"No." She blew out a breath. "Thank you, Alice. But in the future, if he shows up here again, do not let him inside. Lock the door and call the police. I want him barred from the property." For-fucking-ever, she thought hotly, then snatched up her briefcase.

"Change of plans. Call a taxi for me, please? I'm done for the rest of the day. And the week, probably. Take yourself a long weekend, I'll compensate you for tomorrow." Thank God it was Thursday. "I'll call you about next week, I don't want you involved in this mess. Thank you, Alice." Natasha did manage a smile for the girl, and left her to close up the office.

She took the scenic route back to Malibu, because paranoia suggested Alex might have lingered around to follow her on the off-chance that she did leave, and had the cab drop her at one of the crab shacks near the beach. She called Becca to get a lift back to Bucky's place, but the girl was busy at her mother's, and to Natasha's dismay, Becca chirped that her brother was home and she'd let him know that Natasha needed a lift back to the house.

Becca had called him to go pick Natasha up at one of the numerous little places to eat along the beach and it's kind of weird (why wouldn't she just drive back to the house herself? Makes no sense) but there's been weirder in his life so he says he'll go. He decides since it's a nice day he'll take the Ferrari with the top down and when he pulls up, Natasha is easy to spot.

"Got told I was picking up a redhead. You know her?"

He tries to make it light and teasing but another glance shows that Natasha isn't...looking the best. Hmm. That's interesting. He has no idea what's going on but he can try to get to the bottom of it.

"C'mon, get in. You wanna go for a drive and talk about it?"

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