ostavil | open post

After a long and tearful with her father, during which the Tsar alternated from sobbing over his beloved daughter to lavishing heartfelt, tearful thanks to her looming guardian, Natalia insisted on giving her report to all parties concerned, ending up in one of the palace's small parlors with Nikolai perched on the divan beside her.

She was brutally honest in her recounting, speaking in a level but youthful voice as to what HYDRA had done to her; the needles they had stuck into her skin, the blood samples they had taken over and over, and how she'd constantly felt so nauseous and sick, but coherent enough to realize what was happening, and then how she'd drifted off into a sickly dream of barely conscious, waking only after Nikolai had delivered her from that cold, hellish place.

The little princess snuck an arm beneath Nikolai's as she said this last, the first warble marring her tone at those recollections. "...and I'm still very tired," she finished, rubbing her eyes with the back of her free hand. "My head aches, and I just feel...exhausted. Like I could sleep for a month and never stir."

"Come on, then. I'll put you in bed."

Nikolai wants to sleep beside her, too, but he doesn't know if he should allow himself to get distracted again. It isn't lost on him that she was taken when he was fooling around with her in what he thought was a secure vehicle and it cements for him that he cannot let himself get distracted, even when it seems safe. Still, if he stays awake while she sleeps on him, there's no one who could get through to her. He'll fight too hard to keep her safe and not make the same mistakes as last time. He won't. He can't.

He leads her back to the bedroom they've shared many times over and sits on the edge of the bed. "You might not have been taken if I was more aware of us and our surroundings. I should be more vigilant and not let my guard down, Natalia. I can't lose my head around you anymore or I could make things unsafe."

She'd opted for a quick but hot shower in lieu of a long, warm soak, because she really was so tired she didn't believe she could keep her eyes open for much longer. Yet as the princess sank so gratefully into her own bed, with her Nikki sitting beside her, she slowly frowned as his words unfortunately sank in.

"...it wasn't your fault," she told him in a soft little voice, sitting up to put her arms around him. "It wasn't." She'd never let him take the blame for it, not ever. "They were ready, Nikki. There were so many more of them than they could have possibly needed, it was like overkill or something. Stupid, and rash."

The princess rested her head on his right shoulder, holding him close. "Don't you dare feel guilty, moya zvezda. Don't you dare."

"But how can I not?"

Perhaps he cannot shoulder all the blame, they had come prepared and prepared for him specifically, but he has a death on his hands and Natalia's kidnapping which might have been avoided if he'd been at his sharpest. He shouldn't be fooling around on duty and he takes precious little time to himself as it is; should he work every day, all day?

"I'm afraid to even take my own leisure time here in the palace for fear that they will find you."

Natalia bit her lip, melancholy. More than that, she too felt the weight of guilt because logically, Nikolai was right. They could never be, not safely, not what they wanted to be to each other. And it was heartbreaking, because she loved him so much, but duty aways trumped desire. Always.

"So...so should we not, anymore?" A lump sat in the back of her throat, and an uneasy knot in her belly, but she needed to know. Needed to know if she had to try to get over him, and put what she felt for him aside, buried under the freezing wastelands of Could Never Be.

"I don't know."

That is a genuine statement, vague though it may be. Nikolai doesn't know what to do because this is the woman he loves but to protect her, he may have to stop loving her. Is this what most men have to choose for themselves or is this a special type of torture reserved only for him?

"I would rather not be with you and you be safe than make another mistake," he says, voice low and pained. "But I want you. It is difficult to decide what to do."

She didn't know, either. "...I love you," Natalia whispered into Nikolai's neck, clasping him tight as if the world would at this moment rip him out of her arms. "But...but we have to do our duty, don't we?" More of a reminder than a question. "No matter how much it might hurt."

The princess pulled away slowly, morose and sad as she slipped beneath the bolster, shoving all of her aches and pains way down beneath her breaking heart. But she wouldn't cry. Nikolai didn't need that burden, as well.

Biting her lip, and she knew that it was so unfair, she did reach for him, plaintive. "...one more night? Stay with me just one more, Nikki? Please, moya zvezda?"

"One more is going to turn into one more," Nikolai says, sighing a little. "It's...I don't say it to mean anything bad. I just know myself. I won't be able to give you up. I know I won't be able to give you up. You're what made me the person I am."

He wouldn't even be a person without Natalia and the thought of losing her and losing that had been too much to bear. Even still, is he all right with sacrificing duty for pleasure? Nikolai doesn't remember ever doing that before.

"I don't trust us. And I don't mean that in a bad way."

She closed her eyes. Tightly. And bit the inside of her cheek against the words she was about to say. Because they cemented the breaking of her heart, but they were necessary. And duty was all that really mattered, wasn't it.

"Then go." Natalia swallowed a sob and held her voice steady. But she couldn't meet his eyes; couldn't even look at him. "That's an order, Nikolai. You have...have my leave to go. Do it now. Get out of here, get out of my room." So you won't have to see me cry.

The princess took a deep breath beneath her covers. "I'll...I'll send for you in the morning."

"I don't want to leave."

It's not something he's ever really done, defied a direct order, but he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay. Every part of him that's dutiful tells him that he should go because he's too close to her but it's because he's so close to her that he has to stay. He has to stay and be with her in ways he'd denied himself before.

"If you truly want me to go, I will, but I want to be in your bed. I want you in ways that would get me killed if we were found out but I just don't care about any of that. I don't want to go."

God, but he couldn't tell her things like that! Because she was only fifteen years old, and so hopelessly in love with him that she would willingly shed every last drop of her own blood just to spare him the slightest bit of pain. She clenched her fists beneath the covers and curled into a tight ball, fighting not to beg him to stay.

"You said--" she finally ground out, voice trembling but not yet breaking, "--you said that we shouldn't. That we couldn't. Because being together is dangerous. Someone would get hurt, again." Her head ached, but not nearly as much as her heart.

A sob finally escaped, and her tears gave way. "...Nikki...you know I don't want you to go!"

"It hurts me to leave, too," he says softly, words scraped over a rough voice. "Maybe if it was only in the palace where it's safe..."

He moves closer and takes her hands in his, rolling the thumb of his right hand over the back of hers. "I don't want to be distracted in the field where you might get taken again, no, but it could work in here, couldn't it? This palace is a fortress."

Who would dare breach the security inside the palace itself? Not even HYDRA, he thinks, and he doesn't think he'll be his best if he's not with her.

She'd sat up when he began to speak again, and let him take her hands in his, fingers gripping his tightly, both flesh and metal. Natalia finally threw all caution to the wind and crawled right into his lap, winding her small arms around his neck and holding him close, her cheek resting against his as she fought not to cry.

She couldn't give him up. He was hers, body and soul. And she was his, every fiber of being that she possessed belonged to him. To give him up would be tantamount to suicide; she knew she'd never be able to survive without him.

"...I love you," she whispered, lips resting against the corner of his mouth, breathing his breath. "Stay with me," was her next fervent plea, young body trembling against his. "...stay with me tonight, Nikolai..."

"I won't go anywhere," he promises.

No one is going to bother the Grand Duchess, not after her ordeal, so Nikolai feels safe enough stripping down to his underwear before crawling into the bed and waiting for his Natalia. The servants in the palace are discreet and most know about their special sleeping arrangements anyway; it's not like that's looking any different.

"Come to me? I need to make sure all of you is safe and sound."

Even as Nikolai divested his clothing, Natalia did just the same; peeling out of her pajamas until she was left in naught but slim lace bra and matching panties, and all but dove beneath the covers and into his arms the second he spoke again. She needed to feel his skin against hers, keeping her warm the way nothing else ever could.

And she couldn't help but kiss him; his cheeks, his nose, his chin, his forehead, raining sweet affection all over her broken solder, loving him the only way she knew how. Her arms were tight around him, and a pale bare leg hitched high over his hip, holding him to her with all the strength she could muster.

"Not ever letting you go," she breathed against his neck, burrowing into his arms far too eager and needy to ever be able to exist without him.

"Me either. But you must promise me it only happens in the palace where we're secure? I don't want to risk you again and my attention can't be divided in the field where you might be hurt or taken again."

He fits his palm against the curve of her tiny waist and leans in to kiss her slow and deep, kisses her the way he's wanted to since they recovered her from HYDRA but he hadn't dared.

"Promise it to me?"

Natalia melted into Nikolai's kiss, kissing him back with all the teenage courage she could summon. Wiggling and sinuous, she eagerly nodded to his restrictions, not really hearing them, but understanding the gist. They had to be careful. They had to be discreet. They had to be safe.

"Da," she panted softly, rubbing his nose with hers. "Da, Nikki, I promise." Although had the moon been within her grasp, she'd have promised it to him, too. But she knew the risks, and she simply couldn't stand the longing anymore.

"I want you, Nikki," the princess breathed beneath his ear, squirming closer. "Want you so much..."

"Be quiet as you can for me, da? I don't want to have anyone come running in here. Use your hand if you need to."

Nikolai shimmies down so he can flip her onto her back and get his shoulders between her knees. He hasn't done this for her before and he doesn't remember the last time he did do it but he's been wanting it. He'd reserved it, thinking it too far at the time, but that'd been before he nearly lost his precious Natalia to HYDRA. Now, there's no time to waste.

He works her underwear down to her knees before looking up at her. "Do you trust me?"

She went willingly, parting her knees to let him settle between them, and lifting her hips for him to work her underwear down, catching her breath when she realized just what he was about to do. Her belly trembled in sweet anticipation.

Natalia managed a shaky nod. "Da," she breathlessly replied to both questions, small hands instinctively moving to cup her breasts, heavy through the lace still confining them. "Da, Nikki. You know I do."

"This is new," he says softly. "So tell me to stop if you don't like it."

Nikolai always says that, every time, but he feels like he always needs to ask since he's somewhat in a position of power over Natalia, being older and stronger. He doesn't think of that just now, though, and instead parts her with his thumbs so he can lick her, a filthy, slow slide through already wet lips.

"I've wanted to taste you for so long," he mumbles against her thigh, spreading her wider so he can find all the spots he's touched but not seen. He knows where to tease and where to be intense and he teases just for now, the tip of his tongue delicate against her.

At the first touch of his mouth on her tender, intimate flesh, Natalia bowed up off of the bed, one hand flying to her mouth so she could keep from screeching aloud. A pitiful whine left her instead, and her hips bucked of their own accord, unconsciously begging.

"...Nikki--! she managed to gasp, pale thighs trembling around his head. She'd imagined and dreamed of this for what seemed to be forever, and now that it was hers, she didn't know what else to do besides lie there and writhe. And she did, because her Nikki was relentless, lapping against her teasingly.

Natalia whined and mewled, not so loud as to alert anyone outside of her locked bedroom door, but more than plaintive enough to let her Nikki know exactly what she wanted.

Nikolai smirks against her skin and moves his tongue a little faster, circling in on the spot that he's found she likes oh-so-much when he's touched her before. He pulls one of Natalia's hands down and guides her to spread herself so he has more room to work, his own hands going under her ass to bring her closer to his mouth.

He wants her so desperate for him before she comes that she's begging and so needy that she's burying her face against the pillows to keep from making a sound.

He wants to make her his again, over and over.

Her knees were already trembling, and she wasn't entirely sure what he wanted, but Natalia followed his direction and nearly lost her mind when she felt Nikolai's nose bumping against her hand as he continued assaulting her needy flesh with lips and tongue. Her other hand was at her lips, knuckle of her thumb clenched tight between her teeth and wanton little gasps of breath huffed from her nose as she fought not to just screech right out loud.

Her belly tightened, breasts heaved, so tender beneath their lacy restriction, the nipples tight and hard and begging for the heat of his mouth, but he seemed determined to torture her to an earth-shattering climax first, and Natalia didn't think it would be too long before she fell completely apart. Her bare legs were shamelessly spread, propped over her lover's shoulders, and her hips bucked against his hands, trying to press more against his face, needing him to make her shatter into pieces.

That's what he wants. He wants to break her into a million pieces and then have to put her back together in the end. Nikolai fixes his lips against her clit and starts to suck, softly, and hopes this brings her closer to the climax both of them need after the excitement of HYDRA's abduction and the aftermath.

Nikolai buries his fingers into her soft skin, not caring if he makes marks against her pale skin, pulls her even closer so that his mouth and nose and chin are covered with her.

There's nowhere else he wants to be.

It was just too much. The Grand Duchess suddenly stiffened, shivered, and fell totally over the cliff into a white-hot climax, trembling so hard she thought her heart might stop from the adrenaline overload. Her knees shook with her effort not to lock them around Nikolai's head, but her legs clamped tight against his back, holding him as close as she possibly could.

Her teeth were digging into the meat of her palm, but she couldn't care; not when her blood was racing beneath her skin, flushing her a pretty crimson from neck to heel. Natalia whimpered, shook, and whined, lush hips bucking in her lover's hands, begging with her body for him to give her everything she was desperately craving.

She couldn't scream for him, but her dark eyes were hooded and plaintive when she finally managed to look down, seeing her beloved still buried between her legs, and she mewled, wanting.

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