The chatter behind her slid right off as the doctor approached. "Princess," she greeted the girl cordially, holding out an arm to help Natalia further into the plane. "Let's get you settled and all of this unpleasantness out of the way, da?" Steeling herself, the princess nodded politely, smile not quite reaching her eyes, and disappeared into the cabin with the physician.
They'd reached cruising speed before the doctor emerged from the private cabin, giving a heavy sigh and straightening her white coat. She put her hands in her pockets as she approached the two security officers, unabashedly taking a cigarette from Nikolai's pack and lighting up with her own lighter before speaking.
"Well. Gentlemen. You will be pleased to know that other than exhaustion, dehydration, and malnutrition, there seems to be nothing else amiss with Her Imperial Highness." Forthright and business-like, she continued right on. "A few contusions, one or two strained muscles, and, thank God, no sign of rape or sexual abuse. She complains of being overly tired, which is expected, and to still have a very bad headache, but there's no sign of a concussion."
She stubbed out the smoke and added, "I'll know more once we land, and I can do a full, more thorough examination, but for the moment, all she really needs is to rest."
It's a relief to hear that she is not more injured than a few bumps and bruises and when the doctor says that Natalia merely needs to rest, Nikolai feels a great deal more confident. There's no way she'll rest without him nearby so he gets a blanket and goes to her, lifting the armrest in the seat so that she can sprawl across it and into his lap.
"Come, sleep here while we fly home. It will be a little while but I will keep you company. Nothing will bother you while I am here, just as always."
He had failed that promise recently but he will not fail it again.
She still felt a little...violated, considering some of the things the doctor had asked her, but Natalia didn't hesitate to lift her arms to her beloved when he appeared, more than willing to be pulled into his embrace and snuggle close.
"...Nikolai..." she purred happily, burrowing her nose into the curve of his neck as they settled together. Petrov could just wait; she needed the former Winter Soldier right now.
Cuddled beneath the blanket, Natalia felt Nikolai's warmth slowly seeping into her bones, and she stirred only slightly when she asked, "...she said...she said I was okay, da?"
"She said you were just fine," Nikolai says, pulling her into his arms and holding her tight enough that he feels secure with her. Losing her had made him feel adrift until she was back and this embrace is as much for him as it is for her; she's his touchstone.
"We are going to rest on the flight and then when you get back to the Winter Palace, it is bed and tea for you and I will debrief Petrov. You will not have to speak with him. I think it would be too much on you to talk about it just now and you should not have to do it."
Natalia was quiet for a moment, then she shifted enough to gaze up at him, eyes weary but determined. "I can do it, Nikki," she told her possessive guardian. "And I need to. I still remember...everything that happened there, and Officer Petrov needs to know." A small warm hand gently stroked his cheek, and a corner of her mouth lifted in a smile. "I'm not such a fragile flower anymore, moya zvezda, I'll be all right."
Rather than hear him protest, the princess instead coaxed him to her for a soft, sweet kiss, lips lingering as they snuggled together. This section of the jet was partisaned away from the rest, and no one would dare enter without express permission. And, God, but she'd missed the taste of his kisses, and the gentle strokes of his hands.
No, no one was going to come back here but Nikolai still keeps the kiss brief. She needs her rest, he thinks, and the last thing he wants is to be caught off-guard again when she's in his care. She'd been taken this last time and recovered but what if they weren't so lucky the next time?
No, there couldn't be a next time.
"Keep close for a little while, then. I don't want you out of my sight for right now and you need to sleep."
Natalia definitely wasn't going to argue, not this time. She was asleep in less than ten minutes, secure and warm in Nikolai's arms. The flight to St. Petersburg wasn't overly long, and the princess slept until she had to buckle her own seat belt to land, and Petrov then reported to Nikolai that the Tsar had sent a private helicopter to transport them to the Winter Palace; no automobiles required.
That news made the Grand Duchess breathe a little easier, and she forced a small smile when everyone began to gather their things after landing. No doubt there would be cameras on the landing strip, but she wasn't too worried; she'd be well ensconced behind several large burly men, and her own personal bulwark would be right beside her, at that.
There were cameras on the landing strip but Nikolai does his level best to keep Natalia tucked in against him and well out of sight. She doesn't need all of that while she's still recovering from being kidnapped and she deserves her bed and a nice, long convalescence. He intends on giving her that.
Once they're inside, Petrov is chomping at the bit for Natalia to be debriefed and Nikolai fights it, wanting her to be feeling better and have had more rest before she has to spill everything that happened to her. Ultimately, though, the decision is up to her.
"Are you ready to talk with Petrov now? Do you want me with you when you do?"
"After I see my father," the princess replied firmly. Though she was still a bit ashen, pale, and wan, there was steel in her still. And she was ever-so-grateful for Nikolai's solid presence right at her side; she hadn't wanted to face all of those cameras once they'd deplaned. It was a necessary evil of her surname, but she'd just been through hell, and thought she deserved a little respite.
"And yes," she added, nodding decisively as their helicopter landed at the Winter Palace. "I'd like you with me, Nikki." Natalia could already see her father, charging through the double glass doors despite the hangers-on trailing after him. It made her way to cry all over again, the quickness of his stride, and the urgency with which he approached.
"--help me out of this harness," she begged, trying to get the straps undone so she could fall into her father's arms and hug him tightly.
Nikolai leans over and undoes the harness easily, pulling it away so that Natalia can go and greet her father. The Tsar had been anxious the whole time she was gone and had peppered them all constant questions about her condition and their intelligence. He had been an intelligence officer himself so he knew exactly what to ask.
"I brought her back, your Excellency, just as I promised." The Tsar ignores Nikolai for his daughter, wrapping her into a fierce hug.
"Were you hurt? Tell me how you're feeling. Tell me everything."
After a long and tearful with her father, during which the Tsar alternated from sobbing over his beloved daughter to lavishing heartfelt, tearful thanks to her looming guardian, Natalia insisted on giving her report to all parties concerned, ending up in one of the palace's small parlors with Nikolai perched on the divan beside her.
She was brutally honest in her recounting, speaking in a level but youthful voice as to what HYDRA had done to her; the needles they had stuck into her skin, the blood samples they had taken over and over, and how she'd constantly felt so nauseous and sick, but coherent enough to realize what was happening, and then how she'd drifted off into a sickly dream of barely conscious, waking only after Nikolai had delivered her from that cold, hellish place.
The little princess snuck an arm beneath Nikolai's as she said this last, the first warble marring her tone at those recollections. "...and I'm still very tired," she finished, rubbing her eyes with the back of her free hand. "My head aches, and I just feel...exhausted. Like I could sleep for a month and never stir."
Nikolai wants to sleep beside her, too, but he doesn't know if he should
allow himself to get distracted again. It isn't lost on him that she was
taken when he was fooling around with her in what he thought was a secure
vehicle and it cements for him that he cannot let himself get distracted,
even when it seems safe. Still, if he stays awake while she sleeps on him,
there's no one who could get through to her. He'll fight too hard to keep
her safe and not make the same mistakes as last time. He won't. He
can't.
He leads her back to the bedroom they've shared many times over and sits on
the edge of the bed. "You might not have been taken if I was more aware of
us and our surroundings. I should be more vigilant and not let my guard
down, Natalia. I can't lose my head around you anymore or I could make
things unsafe."
She'd opted for a quick but hot shower in lieu of a long, warm soak, because she really was so tired she didn't believe she could keep her eyes open for much longer. Yet as the princess sank so gratefully into her own bed, with her Nikki sitting beside her, she slowly frowned as his words unfortunately sank in.
"...it wasn't your fault," she told him in a soft little voice, sitting up to put her arms around him. "It wasn't." She'd never let him take the blame for it, not ever. "They were ready, Nikki. There were so many more of them than they could have possibly needed, it was like overkill or something. Stupid, and rash."
The princess rested her head on his right shoulder, holding him close. "Don't you dare feel guilty, moya zvezda. Don't you dare."
Perhaps he cannot shoulder all the blame, they had come prepared and prepared for him specifically, but he has a death on his hands and Natalia's kidnapping which might have been avoided if he'd been at his sharpest. He shouldn't be fooling around on duty and he takes precious little time to himself as it is; should he work every day, all day?
"I'm afraid to even take my own leisure time here in the palace for fear that they will find you."
Natalia bit her lip, melancholy. More than that, she too felt the weight of guilt because logically, Nikolai was right. They could never be, not safely, not what they wanted to be to each other. And it was heartbreaking, because she loved him so much, but duty aways trumped desire. Always.
"So...so should we not, anymore?" A lump sat in the back of her throat, and an uneasy knot in her belly, but she needed to know. Needed to know if she had to try to get over him, and put what she felt for him aside, buried under the freezing wastelands of Could Never Be.
That is a genuine statement, vague though it may be. Nikolai doesn't know what to do because this is the woman he loves but to protect her, he may have to stop loving her. Is this what most men have to choose for themselves or is this a special type of torture reserved only for him?
"I would rather not be with you and you be safe than make another mistake," he says, voice low and pained. "But I want you. It is difficult to decide what to do."
She didn't know, either. "...I love you," Natalia whispered into Nikolai's neck, clasping him tight as if the world would at this moment rip him out of her arms. "But...but we have to do our duty, don't we?" More of a reminder than a question. "No matter how much it might hurt."
The princess pulled away slowly, morose and sad as she slipped beneath the bolster, shoving all of her aches and pains way down beneath her breaking heart. But she wouldn't cry. Nikolai didn't need that burden, as well.
Biting her lip, and she knew that it was so unfair, she did reach for him, plaintive. "...one more night? Stay with me just one more, Nikki? Please, moya zvezda?"
"One more is going to turn into one more," Nikolai says, sighing a little. "It's...I don't say it to mean anything bad. I just know myself. I won't be able to give you up. I know I won't be able to give you up. You're what made me the person I am."
He wouldn't even be a person without Natalia and the thought of losing her and losing that had been too much to bear. Even still, is he all right with sacrificing duty for pleasure? Nikolai doesn't remember ever doing that before.
"I don't trust us. And I don't mean that in a bad way."
She closed her eyes. Tightly. And bit the inside of her cheek against the words she was about to say. Because they cemented the breaking of her heart, but they were necessary. And duty was all that really mattered, wasn't it.
"Then go." Natalia swallowed a sob and held her voice steady. But she couldn't meet his eyes; couldn't even look at him. "That's an order, Nikolai. You have...have my leave to go. Do it now. Get out of here, get out of my room." So you won't have to see me cry.
The princess took a deep breath beneath her covers. "I'll...I'll send for you in the morning."
It's not something he's ever really done, defied a direct order, but he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay. Every part of him that's dutiful tells him that he should go because he's too close to her but it's because he's so close to her that he has to stay. He has to stay and be with her in ways he'd denied himself before.
"If you truly want me to go, I will, but I want to be in your bed. I want you in ways that would get me killed if we were found out but I just don't care about any of that. I don't want to go."
God, but he couldn't tell her things like that! Because she was only fifteen years old, and so hopelessly in love with him that she would willingly shed every last drop of her own blood just to spare him the slightest bit of pain. She clenched her fists beneath the covers and curled into a tight ball, fighting not to beg him to stay.
"You said--" she finally ground out, voice trembling but not yet breaking, "--you said that we shouldn't. That we couldn't. Because being together is dangerous. Someone would get hurt, again." Her head ached, but not nearly as much as her heart.
A sob finally escaped, and her tears gave way. "...Nikki...you know I don't want you to go!"
"It hurts me to leave, too," he says softly, words scraped over a rough voice. "Maybe if it was only in the palace where it's safe..."
He moves closer and takes her hands in his, rolling the thumb of his right hand over the back of hers. "I don't want to be distracted in the field where you might get taken again, no, but it could work in here, couldn't it? This palace is a fortress."
Who would dare breach the security inside the palace itself? Not even HYDRA, he thinks, and he doesn't think he'll be his best if he's not with her.
She'd sat up when he began to speak again, and let him take her hands in his, fingers gripping his tightly, both flesh and metal. Natalia finally threw all caution to the wind and crawled right into his lap, winding her small arms around his neck and holding him close, her cheek resting against his as she fought not to cry.
She couldn't give him up. He was hers, body and soul. And she was his, every fiber of being that she possessed belonged to him. To give him up would be tantamount to suicide; she knew she'd never be able to survive without him.
"...I love you," she whispered, lips resting against the corner of his mouth, breathing his breath. "Stay with me," was her next fervent plea, young body trembling against his. "...stay with me tonight, Nikolai..."
No one is going to bother the Grand Duchess, not after her ordeal, so Nikolai feels safe enough stripping down to his underwear before crawling into the bed and waiting for his Natalia. The servants in the palace are discreet and most know about their special sleeping arrangements anyway; it's not like that's looking any different.
"Come to me? I need to make sure all of you is safe and sound."
Even as Nikolai divested his clothing, Natalia did just the same; peeling out of her pajamas until she was left in naught but slim lace bra and matching panties, and all but dove beneath the covers and into his arms the second he spoke again. She needed to feel his skin against hers, keeping her warm the way nothing else ever could.
And she couldn't help but kiss him; his cheeks, his nose, his chin, his forehead, raining sweet affection all over her broken solder, loving him the only way she knew how. Her arms were tight around him, and a pale bare leg hitched high over his hip, holding him to her with all the strength she could muster.
"Not ever letting you go," she breathed against his neck, burrowing into his arms far too eager and needy to ever be able to exist without him.
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They'd reached cruising speed before the doctor emerged from the private cabin, giving a heavy sigh and straightening her white coat. She put her hands in her pockets as she approached the two security officers, unabashedly taking a cigarette from Nikolai's pack and lighting up with her own lighter before speaking.
"Well. Gentlemen. You will be pleased to know that other than exhaustion, dehydration, and malnutrition, there seems to be nothing else amiss with Her Imperial Highness." Forthright and business-like, she continued right on. "A few contusions, one or two strained muscles, and, thank God, no sign of rape or sexual abuse. She complains of being overly tired, which is expected, and to still have a very bad headache, but there's no sign of a concussion."
She stubbed out the smoke and added, "I'll know more once we land, and I can do a full, more thorough examination, but for the moment, all she really needs is to rest."
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"Come, sleep here while we fly home. It will be a little while but I will keep you company. Nothing will bother you while I am here, just as always."
He had failed that promise recently but he will not fail it again.
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"...Nikolai..." she purred happily, burrowing her nose into the curve of his neck as they settled together. Petrov could just wait; she needed the former Winter Soldier right now.
Cuddled beneath the blanket, Natalia felt Nikolai's warmth slowly seeping into her bones, and she stirred only slightly when she asked, "...she said...she said I was okay, da?"
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"We are going to rest on the flight and then when you get back to the Winter Palace, it is bed and tea for you and I will debrief Petrov. You will not have to speak with him. I think it would be too much on you to talk about it just now and you should not have to do it."
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Rather than hear him protest, the princess instead coaxed him to her for a soft, sweet kiss, lips lingering as they snuggled together. This section of the jet was partisaned away from the rest, and no one would dare enter without express permission. And, God, but she'd missed the taste of his kisses, and the gentle strokes of his hands.
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No, there couldn't be a next time.
"Keep close for a little while, then. I don't want you out of my sight for right now and you need to sleep."
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That news made the Grand Duchess breathe a little easier, and she forced a small smile when everyone began to gather their things after landing. No doubt there would be cameras on the landing strip, but she wasn't too worried; she'd be well ensconced behind several large burly men, and her own personal bulwark would be right beside her, at that.
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Once they're inside, Petrov is chomping at the bit for Natalia to be debriefed and Nikolai fights it, wanting her to be feeling better and have had more rest before she has to spill everything that happened to her. Ultimately, though, the decision is up to her.
"Are you ready to talk with Petrov now? Do you want me with you when you do?"
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"And yes," she added, nodding decisively as their helicopter landed at the Winter Palace. "I'd like you with me, Nikki." Natalia could already see her father, charging through the double glass doors despite the hangers-on trailing after him. It made her way to cry all over again, the quickness of his stride, and the urgency with which he approached.
"--help me out of this harness," she begged, trying to get the straps undone so she could fall into her father's arms and hug him tightly.
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"I brought her back, your Excellency, just as I promised." The Tsar ignores Nikolai for his daughter, wrapping her into a fierce hug.
"Were you hurt? Tell me how you're feeling. Tell me everything."
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She was brutally honest in her recounting, speaking in a level but youthful voice as to what HYDRA had done to her; the needles they had stuck into her skin, the blood samples they had taken over and over, and how she'd constantly felt so nauseous and sick, but coherent enough to realize what was happening, and then how she'd drifted off into a sickly dream of barely conscious, waking only after Nikolai had delivered her from that cold, hellish place.
The little princess snuck an arm beneath Nikolai's as she said this last, the first warble marring her tone at those recollections. "...and I'm still very tired," she finished, rubbing her eyes with the back of her free hand. "My head aches, and I just feel...exhausted. Like I could sleep for a month and never stir."
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"Come on, then. I'll put you in bed."
Nikolai wants to sleep beside her, too, but he doesn't know if he should allow himself to get distracted again. It isn't lost on him that she was taken when he was fooling around with her in what he thought was a secure vehicle and it cements for him that he cannot let himself get distracted, even when it seems safe. Still, if he stays awake while she sleeps on him, there's no one who could get through to her. He'll fight too hard to keep her safe and not make the same mistakes as last time. He won't. He can't.
He leads her back to the bedroom they've shared many times over and sits on the edge of the bed. "You might not have been taken if I was more aware of us and our surroundings. I should be more vigilant and not let my guard down, Natalia. I can't lose my head around you anymore or I could make things unsafe."
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"...it wasn't your fault," she told him in a soft little voice, sitting up to put her arms around him. "It wasn't." She'd never let him take the blame for it, not ever. "They were ready, Nikki. There were so many more of them than they could have possibly needed, it was like overkill or something. Stupid, and rash."
The princess rested her head on his right shoulder, holding him close. "Don't you dare feel guilty, moya zvezda. Don't you dare."
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Perhaps he cannot shoulder all the blame, they had come prepared and prepared for him specifically, but he has a death on his hands and Natalia's kidnapping which might have been avoided if he'd been at his sharpest. He shouldn't be fooling around on duty and he takes precious little time to himself as it is; should he work every day, all day?
"I'm afraid to even take my own leisure time here in the palace for fear that they will find you."
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"So...so should we not, anymore?" A lump sat in the back of her throat, and an uneasy knot in her belly, but she needed to know. Needed to know if she had to try to get over him, and put what she felt for him aside, buried under the freezing wastelands of Could Never Be.
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That is a genuine statement, vague though it may be. Nikolai doesn't know what to do because this is the woman he loves but to protect her, he may have to stop loving her. Is this what most men have to choose for themselves or is this a special type of torture reserved only for him?
"I would rather not be with you and you be safe than make another mistake," he says, voice low and pained. "But I want you. It is difficult to decide what to do."
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The princess pulled away slowly, morose and sad as she slipped beneath the bolster, shoving all of her aches and pains way down beneath her breaking heart. But she wouldn't cry. Nikolai didn't need that burden, as well.
Biting her lip, and she knew that it was so unfair, she did reach for him, plaintive. "...one more night? Stay with me just one more, Nikki? Please, moya zvezda?"
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He wouldn't even be a person without Natalia and the thought of losing her and losing that had been too much to bear. Even still, is he all right with sacrificing duty for pleasure? Nikolai doesn't remember ever doing that before.
"I don't trust us. And I don't mean that in a bad way."
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"Then go." Natalia swallowed a sob and held her voice steady. But she couldn't meet his eyes; couldn't even look at him. "That's an order, Nikolai. You have...have my leave to go. Do it now. Get out of here, get out of my room." So you won't have to see me cry.
The princess took a deep breath beneath her covers. "I'll...I'll send for you in the morning."
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It's not something he's ever really done, defied a direct order, but he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay. Every part of him that's dutiful tells him that he should go because he's too close to her but it's because he's so close to her that he has to stay. He has to stay and be with her in ways he'd denied himself before.
"If you truly want me to go, I will, but I want to be in your bed. I want you in ways that would get me killed if we were found out but I just don't care about any of that. I don't want to go."
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"You said--" she finally ground out, voice trembling but not yet breaking, "--you said that we shouldn't. That we couldn't. Because being together is dangerous. Someone would get hurt, again." Her head ached, but not nearly as much as her heart.
A sob finally escaped, and her tears gave way. "...Nikki...you know I don't want you to go!"
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He moves closer and takes her hands in his, rolling the thumb of his right hand over the back of hers. "I don't want to be distracted in the field where you might get taken again, no, but it could work in here, couldn't it? This palace is a fortress."
Who would dare breach the security inside the palace itself? Not even HYDRA, he thinks, and he doesn't think he'll be his best if he's not with her.
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She couldn't give him up. He was hers, body and soul. And she was his, every fiber of being that she possessed belonged to him. To give him up would be tantamount to suicide; she knew she'd never be able to survive without him.
"...I love you," she whispered, lips resting against the corner of his mouth, breathing his breath. "Stay with me," was her next fervent plea, young body trembling against his. "...stay with me tonight, Nikolai..."
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No one is going to bother the Grand Duchess, not after her ordeal, so Nikolai feels safe enough stripping down to his underwear before crawling into the bed and waiting for his Natalia. The servants in the palace are discreet and most know about their special sleeping arrangements anyway; it's not like that's looking any different.
"Come to me? I need to make sure all of you is safe and sound."
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And she couldn't help but kiss him; his cheeks, his nose, his chin, his forehead, raining sweet affection all over her broken solder, loving him the only way she knew how. Her arms were tight around him, and a pale bare leg hitched high over his hip, holding him to her with all the strength she could muster.
"Not ever letting you go," she breathed against his neck, burrowing into his arms far too eager and needy to ever be able to exist without him.
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