ostavil | open post

Jason more or less carried the conversation; Natalia gave only yes or no answers, and believed the boy had to be the biggest idiot to see that she wasn't really "here" for this particular episode. But she was shuffled back to their VIP box seats in time for the next curtain call, and wanted to weep in miserable frustration when the music started up again, just as loud as it had been before.

It sent her temples to throbbing.

She made it halfway through the last act before she'd had enough. Without stopping to think, or consider the ramifications, Natalia abruptly stood up, gave Jason back his jacket, stammered her apologies, and fled the box, hurrying as fast as she could in those ridiculous shoes.

Finally fetching up at the top of the stairs leading to the exit, Natalia paused for a deep breath, seeing stars still wheeling in her vision as her head throbbed unmercifully. "...Nikolai," she whispered to the dark shadow that had materialized at her side, a looming but oh-so-comforting presence, her own personal darkness, "...take me home. I want...to go home."

"I'll get the car," Nikolai says calmly. Once the car's brought around and he can ease Natalia into the backseat, he looks at her with a bit of concern; he hadn't thought the sunburn was so terrible but should he have told the PR woman to back off and let the Grand Duchess rest?

"Are you sick?" he asks quietly, sitting a little closer in the back of the car than he might have normally. He frowns a little and touches the fingertips of his right hand to her forehead.

"I didn't think you were too ill from the sun. Did I make a mistake?"

At least the interior of their car was quiet; Ivan drove quickly and carefully through Malta's narrow streets. The princess had her eyes closed and her head resting back on the flawlessly upholstered interior, giving only a soft start when she felt warm fingertips touch her forehead.

"Mm? Oh, nyet, moya zvezda," she replied quietly. "Just a headache, is all." She tried for a reassuring smile but it fell a little...flat.

"It was really loud in there, and the noise was just making my head hurt all the more." Natalia straightened, not wanting to appear like a whiny child than she already had. "I'll be...fine. When we get home and I can get out of this dress."

"All right," Nikolai says. She calls him moya zvezda like she always does and he hates seeing her in pain so he moves closer and slides his arm around her so she can pillow her head on his chest. He drifts his fingers through her hair to soothe her, too, and keeps his voice low so he doesn't make the headache worse.

"I'll get the peppermint oil when we get inside so you can put it on your temples," he says softly. "And turn down the lights for you. You should be feeling better once you have a chance to get in bed and be away from noises and smells and lights."

The offered arm startled her at first, but it was offered, and she was just miserable enough to take advantage. Natalia hesitated only a fraction before accepting, sliding her small arm around Nikolai's torso to hold him close as he soothed her. Her eyes closed as she inhaled his familiar, beloved scent, and she felt tears threaten her tightly-shut lids.

Natalia didn't trust herself to speak, so she merely nodded, more than willing to allow her Nikolai to take care of her. The way he always had. The way he always would. And it wasn't long before the car pulled up in the circle driveway, the yard lights glowing softly. The sound of the waves was a pleasant dullness, but the little princess didn't have very long to enjoy the view or the sounds, because the moment she stepped out of the car, her Nikki swept her up into his arms, cradling her gently.

Letting him carry her wherever he wanted, Natalia simply rested her head on his broad shoulder and soaked up his nearness, cherishing the feel of him close, near, and with her once more.

Nikolai carries her back up to her bedroom and sets her on the edge of the bed before pushing the door closed. Normally, he'd let Natalia undress herself but if she's not feeling well, he doesn't want her to have to expend any more energy than she has to and the dress is more complicated than her usual clothes.

He gets out a pair of soft, silk pajamas and lays them out on the bed before moving to start undoing her dress for her. "I'm sorry you're not feeling well," he murmurs softly. "But I'll get you tucked in and go get the oil for your temples and some tea if you want it. Don't worry about anything, printsessa."

Oh, but she was so tired. By now, her headache was just a dull throb, not too sharp but irritating and stubborn. She allowed Nikolai to help her out of the ridiculous dress, then slipped into the silk pajamas he'd brought over, but when he mentioned getting the oil and tea, she shook her head.

"I don't want any tea," she negated, sitting up further in her bed. And held out her arms, entreatingly. "I just want you, lying here with me, Nikki." Unshed tears glimmered in green eyes. "...please?" She tried to swallow a sob, and failed. "...I-I miss you...so much..."

Nikolai feels as if she's just ripped his heart from his chest and he feels awful for having made her suffer. She'd hurt him, yes, but nothing she could do to him feels as awful as this - as seeing her miserable because he'd taken a stand against her.

"I'll stay," he says softly. "I made it complicated, before." He kisses her forehead and turns his back to her to undress, letting the tuxedo jacket fall to the floor and undoing his shirt and gun rig before finishing with his trousers and stepping out of them and his shoes.

He's only in his boxers but it's enough for right now, he thinks. He doesn't think anyone would look twice at it. He tips his head toward the bed. "Move over so I can get in."

She was so tired of fighting by proxy, of being aloof and alone. Forlorn. It was horrible. But hope soared in her breast when Nikolai agreed to stay, and Natalia hurriedly moved aside, unable to help watching with greedy eyes as her beloved shed the fine raiment and returned to the bedside in more acceptable attire.

The princess kicked down the covers, rearranged the pillows, then she was shimmying down beneath the counterpane, it flung back so that Nikolai might do the same, and the second his back mat the mattress, she was in his arms, flung half-across him and sobbing without care to who might hear. She knew she shouldn't - it wasn't his fault, not any of it - but the bulwark against her sorrow had finally broken and she could hold it back no longer.

"Printsessa," Nikolai says softly, rubbing her shoulder. "Don't cry. Please don't cry. I shouldn't...I shouldn't have done what I did. I shouldn't have gotten angry with you. I should have just..."

It's something that he regrets now, having taken his stand on such a thing when he knows Natalia wouldn't have even thought of it in the context of his past, and he wishes he hadn't said anything.

"I shouldn't have said anything."

She shook her head, rubbing one eye with a small fist. "Nyet, you were right." Natalia pulled away a little to sit up in bed, head downcast and misty eyes lowered. "You were right, Nikolai," she whispered, voice soft in the calm quiet. "I was being selfish and stupid." A sniffle. "And I never should have commanded you, especially for...for that." The princess inelegantly swiped the back of her wrist across her nose.

"It was foolish, and arrogant, and...and utterly inconsiderate, taking the choice away from you." That realization had scared the very life out of her, knowing what she did about his past. "I never meant...I mean, I didn't think..." Natalia bit her lower lip, tentatively reaching out to rest her fingertips on the bicep of Nikolai's left arm. "I'd never...use you like that, moya zvezda...not ever."

A few tear-tracks still stained her cheeks, but her eyes weren't misty anymore when she looked over at her beautiful soldier, cheeks flushed and lips bitten red. "...you should be able to tell me no, whenever you want..."

"I know I haven't told you much about that time. I was used before. I was used to kill people - to assassinate people who were a threat to Imperial Russia. I took those people from their families and their friends and I didn't have a choice. They had a way of controlling my body."

It's hard, to speak of this, but it happened when Natalia wasn't even alive or so young she wouldn't be able to understand if he explained it.

"There was a book of words. They could say them and control my mind. Your father found out and was livid, destroyed the department that had me and took me for his own. He told me I would never be with them again, that I would protect his little daughter. He tore the book up in front of me so even he didn't know the words. I still remember them, though. I could never forget them."

Yes, that sounded exactly like something her father would have done. Then, the Tsar had taken this broken man, this wounded warrior, and given him to his only daughter, with good wishes and blessings, and she had broken that hard-won trust. It was enough to have her tearing up again.

"...Nikolai..." There was a sob in her tone, a waver that even her Imperial sternness couldn't hide. "I'm so sorry, moya zvezda." Natalia gingerly tucked her legs in, wrapping her arms around her knees. "Can...can you ever...forgive me?"

"I already had," Nikolai promises her. "I know you didn't mean anything by it. To you it was just...you didn't know what you were doing or what it meant. It hurt me but after I thought about it, I knew it didn't mean the same thing as it would have meant if you had the book."

He rubs his hand under her hair and against the back of her neck, down across her shoulderblades and upper back. He doesn't want her feeling miserable over him - he's hardly worth that. Besides, he's been miserable without her.

"I know you want so much. I want to give it to you but you're young, printsessa, and you're worth more than rushing into it. You deserve to explore and learn slowly with me, to not move so fast that you lose your virginity to me and feel as if I took advantage of you."

Natalia leaned into his touch as he stroked her, slowly uncoiling from her little shell but holding back from diving right back into his arms once more. She'd learned hesitation, if nothing else. Which was also evident in what she didn't say; what she wanted to say was that she loved him so much, she knew he'd never ever hurt her, and that she also knew he'd never ever take advantage of what she was so willing to simply give to him, freely.

Instead, the princess only nodded, because she did, in fact, understand, and she wanted him to know that she did.

"...I'm sorry, Nikki," she whispered after a moment. "I really was too eager, and I should have listened when I didn't." She started for him again, but checked herself, all too conscious of appearing needy and pathetic, miserable and wanton. "Will...will you hold me? If-if you want to? Please?"

"Of course, Natalia," he says, folding her up into his arms the way he's wanted since the night they fought. He isn't his best without her, not in the slightest, and he's missed the free and genuine affection he gets from her. She loves him unconditionally, in spite of how broken and terrible his past is, and he cannot help but love her back.

He slides back into the bed so she can lay atop him and he can keep his arms around her. "I missed this. I missed you. We shouldn't fight again, if we can help it. Not about something important, anyway. I hate to see you miserable over me."

This time, she slid into his arms with absolutely no hesitation, burying her nose in the curve of his neck and shoulder. Natalia dimly felt Nikolai pull the sheet up over the both, but the little princess's arms were tightly wound around her beloved, and she stifled her sobs and calmed her breaths, placing soft, nearly imperceptible kisses to his warm skin.

"I love you," she whispered in their shared tongue, lifting her head to nuzzle beneath his ear, inhaling his rich, clean scent. "I missed you so much, my Nikki...I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat...I didn't want to even leave this room."

And she totally agreed. "We shouldn't fight ever. Not you and me. We're perfect together, moya zvezda. I am yours and you are mine. For always."

"For always," he echoes back. Perhaps someday it will escalate into the physical relationship they both want but now, he cuddles her and holds her close after missing her for just a few scant days. He slides his hands down to cup her ass and hold her close to him, tight enough to remind her that he does want her as a romantic partner but not so much that he's necessarily starting anything.

"One day, someday soon, I'll spread you out under me and I'll give you all the things you've been dreaming of. You just have to trust me, Natalia, and trust my judgment. It's new for me too. I don't even remember the last time I've had a relationship. I've never had one since I've been in the palace and I didn't have one as the Winter Soldier, either. I had one in the haziness that's...before. Before they took me from my life."

She softly squeaked when she felt Nikolai grip her bottom, but she didn't flinch away, not ever. If anything, Natalia snuggled closer, sliding a leg across his thighs to invite more, whatever he wanted to share with her. And although she burned for him, wanted him more than anything ever, it still made her sad to know that before her, he'd been lost and alone, governed by men who saw him only as a weapon, taken from all that he'd formerly known.

"...I just want to love you, my Nikki," she whispered against his cheek, holding him close. "To keep you safe and happy, however I can." Small fingers gently traced the lines over his chest. His left shoulder she touched so tenderly, just the softest touch against the scarred, angry marks.

"...I love it when you kiss me," Natalia purred, resting her head against his, carefully mapping out the lines of his body with soft inquisitive fingers. "But I know, slow. And I do trust you, malyshka, I trust you with all of me." She brushed her lips over his cheek, but didn't press for more. "I'm yours. Now and always."

"Your love is the most important thing to me," he murmurs. "It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel...like I'm warm and I could never be in the ice again."

Nikolai turns his head and kisses her lips, closed mouth and soft, and smiles at her.

"I love you. You taught me that people could be good. I didn't know that when I was theirs. I know it now."

Natalia kissed him back, just as soft, just as sweet. Nothing deeper than what he offered, but she still cherished it all the same. More than enough to slip off of his chest and curl close against his side, both of her arms wrapped around his torso as if she belonged nowhere else.

"You are mine," she told him softly. "You will never be cold again. I promise, Nikki." And she meant it. But her eyes were growing heavy; the lulling of the waves outside and the warmth of her beloved so near was coaxing her deep into sleep, where she hadn't been in days.

"...stay..." was her quiet entreaty, nestled snug against him, safe in his arms.

"Wasn't planning on going anywhere," Nikolai promises. He drifts into sleep himself, the printsessa warm in his arms, and when he wakes it seems she's still asleep on his chest. He rubs her back lightly and whispers against her hair.

"You're sleeping through the day, sweet girl," he murmurs. "You might want to wake up before you miss everything."

It's dawn and only just but he's always been an early riser. He's often slipped out of bed while Natalia is still asleep but he feels like it isn't a good idea today, not when they'd just reconciled the night before.

Natalia, on the other hand, had never been one to "greet the sun" with any certain fondness. She was indeed still asleep when Nikolai stirred, warm and comfortable nestled atop his broad chest with her own arms wrapped around him tightly, as if he might at any moment be snatched away.

Her beloved's voice called to her, however, and her brow furrowed as she automatically negated opening her eyes, but the slow, sure touch gliding down her back had her purring like an affectionate kitten, squirming up just enough to bury her face in the curve of Nikolai's neck, muttering unfriendly nonsense at the idea of waking up.

"...'s too early, Nikki..." And it was Sunday, besides. "...dun wanna wake up..."

"Printsessa," he pleads, hand still working up and down her back as he lets her bury her face against his neck. He's just so glad to have her back and cuddling against him that he can't take another moment without having her awake and being able to kiss her.

"What if I offered kissing," he murmurs, hand sliding beneath her hair to rub her neck. He's playing dirty, he knows, but he knows she'll probably take the bait.

"We could kiss while the sun comes up."

Hearing the mild note of pleading and censure in Nikolai's voice made her giggle against her will; he sounded so plaintive. But kissing was a very good incentive, one for which she was more than willing to swim up from slumber. So she lifted her head, crossed her arms on his broad chest, resting her chin atop them, gazing sleepily at her gorgeous companion.

"Da?" Her own voice was still husky, slurred with the remnants of sleep. "That's a vicious bribe, moya zvezda." But her dimples appeared with her small little smile. "You must like living on the edge, offering a prize like that."

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