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Nikolai sees her on the corner and curled up in her bathrobe and he shakes his head. This isn't what he'd meant to cause. He'd meant to tell her that she affected him as much as he affects her, that it's so very mutual. He had hoped it would make her feel good about herself.

"Printsessa, please be comfortable," he murmurs. "Curling up with you doesn't put me in pain or anything. I would be upset if you didn't want me to hold you and love you."

He gives her a soft smile. "I told you so that you'd know how much I want you. Not to hurt you."

"But...I have to take care of you," she insisted, keeping her eyes closed. "And...I don't want to make you uncomfortable, especially if we're doing...that." He was her responsibility, after all.

"...I don't want you to have to leave, whenever we're...you know." She wanted him to hold her and love her more than anything else in the world. But not at any expense. That was truly the last thing she'd ever want.

"--you say that you want me," she heard herself just blurt right out, "...but then you...don't." Natalia gave a heavy sigh, sitting up and crossing her legs Indian-fashion, tucking her hands in the sleeves of her robes.

"Maybe we shouldn't, Nikolai," she suggested, staring at the floor. "Since it seems to just...cause problems."

Nikolai sighs a little and sits beside her, rubbing his palm over her neck and back. He doesn't want her to feel tortured over this like she's done something wrong. He just wants things to go slow for her benefit, that's all, and they'll get there eventually.

"I do want you. I could fuck you right now," Nikolai points out. "But it would make me an asshole and I'm not going to be that man to you, Natalia. I want to go slow in case there's something you...if we did everything at once and you regretted it, I would never forgive myself."

She wished he would believe her when she insisted that she'd never want anyone else, just him. But Natalia could also understand Nikolai's hesitation; it was the 'meeting-in-the-middle' that was driving the both of them insane. She didn't pull away when he came to sit beside her, letting him soothe her as only he could.

Hearing that, again, he did want her, and could prove it right here and now rekindled a little spark in her belly, sending a rush of heat through her blood to flush her skin a pretty pink. Natalia whispered Nikolai's name right before crawling right into his lap, her knees straddling his hips and her arms winding possessively around his thick neck.

The girl immediately covered his mouth with hers, the thick terrycloth between them abrasive, but necessary.

Nikolai accepts the kiss for a moment and then he pulls away, his own eyes a little startled. He hadn't expected that exactly and goddamn, how is he going to keep going slow if she keeps doing this? How is she going to just...get him this way?

"Natalia," he says, firmer this time. "When I say slow, I mean slow. We kissed earlier. We'll kiss later. But right now, we're not kissing. You deserve more than me tossing you down onto this bed and fucking you like any other woman. You deserve for me to ease you into it, which I'm trying to do. I'm giving you things as we go on, I am, but you have to trust me."

She jerked back as if he'd struck her, eyes wide. Then a frown creased her brow, and Natalia abruptly left Nikolai's lap, sliding out of the damned bathrobe and flinging it on her bed before whirling in a flash of red hair and storming out of the room.

The princess stalked the hallways, fuming and angrier than she'd ever been in her entire life. She wasn't used to this roil of feelings that had been roller-coastering her up and down the last few weeks, and she didn't know how to handle them. She wanted Nikolai. Wanted him. As a lover, as a Consort, when it came to that.

But the man was being so damned impossible just now. And the logical part of her young mind understood that, but the impetuous, hormone-driven teenage part didn't care. Too well-bred to just scream her burning anger to the ceiling and wave her arms and rant, the Grand Duchess ended up in a large wing chair on the first floor's open terrace, arms crossed as she stared dark and moody out over the lagoon, the beauty of the setting sun lost on her ire.

It takes him a few minutes to get fully dressed again and a good twenty more to find out where the printsessa has stalked off to. It was handled badly, even if he needed to say it, and when he finds her he has his head down and palms spread wide. Contrition and absolution now, he thinks, before they discuss the meat of it.

"Are you still angry with me, Natalia?"

Nikolai carefully doesn't use a pet name, lest she think it's patronizing, and watches her carefully. Bruising her ego in a time like this isn't a good idea.

She wasn't too surprised when Nikolai appeared, and in just the time she'd allotted him to dress and search the rest of the house. He approached and spoke, and she sensed the softness of his tone and the submission in his posture, but she kept her gaze on the far horizon, not even trusting herself to look at him just now.

"Yes," she stated coolly, because it was the truth. "I am." But she was also angry with herself, for being so pathetic and needy, and that was a hard lesson to teach oneself. She still felt petulant and childish, and it was infuriating, because she knew better.

"But I am angry with myself, too." As always whenever her emotions ran high, her voice took on the edge of her native land, becoming clipped and a bit more guttural than her carefully practiced English. "You should go. I will be fine. Eventually."

"I should have protected you from me," Nikolai says quietly. "And I didn't. So you deserve every bit of anger and hatred you have for me right now. I'll go and when you need me again, you know where I am."

Nikolai is still her guard, after all, and he still has to sleep in the room that is alongside hers. It's been nominal for years since he's been sharing her bed to keep their nightmares away but right now, he does have to use the adjoining room and keep his ear to the ground to ensure her safety.

Ohhh-! Natalia suddenly jerked up out of her chair, threw her unruly curls back over her shoulder, whirled around, and stomped one Imperial foot in a rare display of pure Cossack temper.

"Nikolai Aleksandrovich, don't you dare walk out of that door! Your Imperial Princess has not given you permission to leave her presence!" It was exquisitely rare that the Grand Duchess ever use the royal "We", but she was too upset, sad, and angry to do otherwise.

Speaking thus allowed her to step outside of her own personal wants, and she used the tone well, along with the defiant tilt of her chin, and the stern set of her brow and mouth. She was just hovering between childhood and adulthood, and it was such a confusing place to be!

That is no tone to trifle with and instead of leaving, Nikolai drops to one knee instead and keeps his head bowed. For all that they pretend to be equals while spending time together, they aren't, and this is the reason they'll never be the same.

"Imperial Printsessa, forgive me. I did not mean to remove myself without your express permission. What would her Excellency want of me?"

It's been so long that he's had to do this, not since he first came to serve in the Tsar's household, but he hasn't forgotten how. It'd been drilled into him before being released from his previous captors just how he was to behave in the home of his new ones.

It broke her heart, to see him immediately drop to a knee and lower his head in abject deference, but she had to make him understand that she meant what she was going to say. So she steeled her spine, parked her chin parallel with the floor, and spoke in that same hard tone.

"It has come to Our attention that the Grand Duchess's education is lacking a rather serious course of study. Therefore, We have tasked you, Nikolai, to remedy this oversight. You are therefore required to educate Her Highness in all matters of...of..." Here she groped slightly, but rallied on nevertheless. "...of intimacy and everything thereof adjacent. The Grand Duchess will adhere to your protocols on this matter, if strict rules and a lesson outline are provided before commencement."

Now, Natalia's eyes narrowed. "And We will hear no more of this self-depreciation from you, Nikolai Aleksandrovich. I trust that is quite clear?"

"So that's it, then?" Nikolai asks, lifting his head. "A girl's game? Do you know what happens to me if I displease you or your father? Do you know where they send me if I disgrace the Imperial House of Romanov? Do you know what they told me when I came here, how I was to act, how I was to take every order?"

He inhales sharply and shakes his head. "I'm sure you don't. They would put me in the ice again if I did anything to make you angry or upset. If I were spoken to like this by you or your father I was supposed to expect it. You would play upon my fear for a game? I'm not your toy, Grand Duchess."

Except that he is and while his face is defiant, he's still kneeling on the floor.

His response made her blink, completely taken aback. Then she frowned at him, thinking he could be mocking her, even if that was thoroughly unlikely. "What?" So surprised was she that she automatically lapsed back into English. "No--Nikolai, that's not--what are you talking about?"

As if she'd ever let her father take him away! "You know I'd never let anyone do that to you, Nikolai!" Her brows drew down even farther. "You belong to me, and no one else!" And that he thought her tirade just some girlish, silly...game stung her even harder.

"Did I sound like I was dictating a game to you, Nikolai? I was absolutely serious, and telling you that way was just to make you listen, since you didn't seem to want to otherwise!" Again, she stomped a small foot, hands balled in to fists at her sides. "I'm not a child anymore! And I don't want you to treat me like one!"

"And your family showed me I was allowed to be a man with my own thoughts and not a slave dictated by the thoughts and whims of others," Nikolai says back. "But instead of listening to me the way a woman should listen to a man and vice versa, you ordered me to bed you under Imperial edict. I was wrong, yes, but do you see how what you did was wrong too?"

Nikolai swallows and balls his left hand into a fist. "Before I came here, I was told to do everything you and your father said. If you'd been an adult then and ordered me to your bed, I would have done it just to keep myself from the ice out of fear. Ordering me to bed you makes me feel like I have to do it or suffer consequences. It doesn't allow me the freedom of my own choices to say yes or no. Do you see that?"

Hearing it thrown back at her that way brought her up short. And she couldn't help the sheen of humiliated tears that threatened to spill over as she realized exactly what she had done. Her temper abruptly evaporated, leaving the Grand Duchess of Imperial Russia standing there in her old flannel pajamas, feeling like an absolute fool.

Her hands relaxed, falling limp at her sides, and Natalia suddenly lowered her head, feeling chastised and ashamed. She started to speak, no words came, and then she abruptly closed her mouth, shaking her head so that her long hair hid her face from him.

"...Ni-Nikki..." But she couldn't go any further; she felt the weight of guilt hit her like a ton of bricks, and a small, hitched sob managed to escape before she pressed a hand over her mouth, biting at her fingers to keep from crying out loud. She'd been a childish idiot, a shameful, brazen harlot, and she'd cut to the core one of the only men she'd ever in her young life loved.

It took all of the strength she possessed, but Natalia did eventually manage to make the briefest eye contact with the soldier still kneeling on the floor, and whisper, "...I'm sorry," in broken Russian, before she turned and ran off of the terrace towards the beach, hating the feel of her own skin right now.

Nikolai is aware that a fifteen year old girl has no idea what words can mean, especially not one well-intentioned like Natalia, and what she'd thought was a way to get what she wanted ended up fraying the bond between them. It takes him a while to pick himself up off the floor but instead of going to find her, as he should, he decides to take his wounded heart to his own bed instead.

There are other security guards here. He isn't the only one in the entire compound and he's allowed a night off. When's the last time he's had a night off anyway? Never. He strips back down to his underwear and opens the window so the sound of waves and the smell of salt air can come in. That's as relaxing as he can make it before he curls up in a bed that's too soft and forces himself into sleep.

Well after sunset, Natalia trudged back up to the house, the roaming guard at the terrace gate giving her a nod, followed by a strange look when he realized that she was alone, but she didn't bother to explain. A glance up at the house revealed the window to Nikolai's adjoining room open, thus it was hardly a surprise that he wasn't waiting for her in her own quarters. And the door between their bedrooms was, for the first time in her memory, closed.

But she couldn't help it; curiosity and a healthy dose of responsibility, prodded by her aching heart, had her ghosting across to try and open that particular door, and to her surprise the knob turned easily under her hand. The yard lights were just enough for her to make out the familiar form unmoving in the bed, his back to the door, but she didn't doubt he'd heard her approach, and that a weapon lay in his hand or dangerously close to it.

Natalia retreated, still feeling far too much like a fool to even murmur his name, and after brushing her teeth and washing her face - she looked moderately horrible after sobbing uncontrollably for two straight hours - she crawled into her own bed, unable to help curling around Nikolai's pillow and inhaling deep draughts of his scent. Tears splashing on its case, the little princess closed her eyes and silently cried, knowing she'd never sleep tonight.

Nikolai had heard when the door pushed in and held his breath, surprised that Natalia hadn't crawled into bed beside him. She didn't, though, so the next morning he showered and dressed well before dawn and got things together for the Grand Duchess to go to the beach, if she wanted it. He doesn't have friends aside from her but he's usually cheery enough with Mati and the household staff - except for today.

He bolts down breakfast mechanically before Natalia is awake and waits in the back hall of the house reading a newspaper, trying to look nonchalant when he's anything but. If she needs to go out, he hopes she won't be stubborn enough to do it alone.

She'd actually managed a few hours of sleep, just not consecutively. Therefore, there were dark circles beneath her eyes when she finally staggered out of her bedroom in search of breakfast. Mati had prepared a feast, as usual, but the housekeeper's art was somewhat lost on the princess as Natalia ate automatically, trying and failing not to notice the empty chair at her right.

Mati tried to get her to engage, but Natalia simply gave yes or no responses until the busy housekeeper gave up, having seen Nikolai in the back hallway and was intuitive enough to know that something had gone wrong. But Mati gave Natalia the news anyway, since the princess's press coordinator was already on her way.

"Roberta will be here in half an hour, Natalia," Mati told her, refilling the girl's juice. "She has your schedule for this week, as well as some other events she'd like you to attend. Might be fun, no?" A noncommittal shrug was the only answer, so Mati simply sighed and left the girl to her silence, hoping whatever had happened blew over soon.

When Roberta comes, she has a schedule for Natalia that includes a beach party with royals from the Greek and Danish royal houses. It's a good thing, Nikolai thinks, for her to have a chance to be around people her own age and not just him and the rest of the staff.

"It will be quite an event!" Roberta says chirpily. "And plenty of photographers. We'll get Mr. Aleksandrovich in a suit so he doesn't stick out so much and you'll be on your way to have fun. You won't even notice he's there."

The idea of a beach party made her want to gag, right now. But there was no getting out of it; Roberta had seen to that. Although the woman's comment about Nikolai sparked enough energy for the princess to snap, "He has a suit, Roberta. And he wears it very well." But she didn't elaborate on Nikolai's absence; she simply let the rest of Roberta's team shuffle her back to her bedroom to get her ready for this idiotic foolishness.

While the princess was suffering agonies 'getting ready', Roberta went in search of Nikolai. "Good morning," the woman greeted with a brief nod, even at this hour professional and poised. She handed over a few manila folders, saying, "Dossiers on all the principles at this outing, the Princess's press schedule for the week, and a list of public events where she'll need to put in an appearance."

Riffling further through her briefcase, Roberta went on, "I have her scheduled for the opera tomorrow night, escorted by one of the Greek boys from the beach party, the ambassador's nephew, Jason Baros. Good kid, clean cut, a bit skinny, you know how they are. It's formal, so black tie is required." Her eyebrow went up. "And please, no visible weaponry for this one?"

Nikolai manages to find a tuxedo that accommodates his gun rig without looking horribly out of place and gets ready to escort the Grand Duchess and her date to the opera. Jason's security offered to handle it or split the duty but Nikolai had narrowed his eyes and muttered he would handle it on his own.

He hasn't spoken to Natalia since their fight but the night of the opera, he has to so he cuts across her bedroom while she's behind the screen and leans against the wall. It isn't the comfortable camaraderie he's used to but he needs to give her instructions.

"You remember your safety words, yes? And that I walk you to and from every bathroom trip, every breath of fresh air, every moment you could possibly be alone? We have to be sure of your safety in such an open event, especially since your father is also on tour right now."

The beach party the day before had been...pointless, leaving her with a mild sunburn and a headache afterwards, so her 'primping' team had had to quickly make changed to her wardrobe and hair to accommodate the softly pink skin along her shoulders and upper back. But it didn't sting, thank goodness, and the gown they'd given her was soft fabric and not nearly as form fitting as she'd expected.

It took her a bit to wiggle into it, however, given that she only had two hands, and it wasn't too much of a surprise when she heard the adjoining door open and Nikolai's stern footsteps crossing her bedroom, then his voice as he began to speak, just on the other side of her dressing screen. They hadn't really spoken since the evening of their arrival, and she didn't have words enough to express how much she'd missed him. She hadn't sleep in two nights. And had taken no end of scolding for the dark circles beneath her eyes, which had ended in half an hour of concealer and blending.

Natalia didn't answer immediately, but when she did her voice was flat, monotone, and more than a little sad. "Da. I know. I haven't forgotten."

"If you want to leave early, just let me know. You're not obligated to stay the whole time."

This is a little less flat than before. Perhaps he isn't cultured but the opera isn't his favorite even if he does have good Italian, German and French and he hopes she'll want to leave early and spare him the torture of it. His luck, she won't.

"I'll be standing in the back of the box. I'll let the boy escort you in."

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