She wasn't good with these sorts of things. She didn't do 'casual relationships'. And apparently that wasn't something this wolf could ever understand. Natalia sighed, wishing that incipient headache behind her temples was just her imagination.
"--I don't expect you to understand," she clipped out. "I just don't have any luck with 'casual flings', or whatever they're called. Did I enjoy what we did? Yes." And how she hated admitting that, but it was the truth. "But it's over and done with, I have more important things to focus on, we should just move on."
Even if she knew that that was going to be damn near an impossibility. Not with him in such close proximity, reminding her each and every time she looked at the bastard of what they'd done together. What she'd allowed herself to do.
"I'm a vampire," Natalia heard herself say, unbidden. "Vampires aren't supposed to enjoy themselves, remember?" That was her past talking. The realization that she hadn't been good enough.
Bucky frowns a little, trying to work that one out. Immortal but can't have any fun? Seems like a bum deal, to him, and he wonders who came up with that goddamn rule. Probably someone who was ancient and already done chasing thrills.
"You mean to tell me all vampires do is eat and hibernate? No fun at all? I gotta say, that's a pretty shitty existence, Natalia. Who told you that you had to follow those rules? The vampire congress? Do they show up at your door if you laugh or something? Because I'm not following."
She gave a soft snort. "Of course they don't. Vampires are the bane of the monster world, James. They look like humans, but they're monsters. They take what they want, use who they want do to it, and just make a goddamned mess all over the planet. Why do you think the Organization exists? To cut down those who don't give a shit about the rules."
Like her entire damned family.
"I'm a Romanova," she reminded him. "That vampire clan has ruled Russia for over five centuries. It rules through terror, fear, and panic. My mother is a tyrant who lives only for her whims and her empire, and she's so damned powerful that not even the entire Enforcer legion could take her on. That's how much fear that name commands."
Natalia sighed, leaning back on the couch and crossing her arms, staring unseeing at the floor.
"So you can imagine, when I was recruited to undergo Enforcer training, how much shit I had to deal with, just because of my surname. Everyone was afraid of me, because of my bloodline. I had to work three times as hard to get where I am now, and I was always cautioned to toe the line, simply because of my name. I can't do anything other than my job, because of the scrutiny I'm always under, even from those I've worked with for years, now." She bit her lower lip, a little crestfallen.
"I'm not talking about trust," Bucky says, looking at her quizzically. "I'm talking about what you do behind your own bedroom door. Nobody knows what we're up to in here. You think they're gonna haul me in to do some kind of vampire mind shit on me? Wouldn't work anyway. I'd just go wolf and they couldn't get human thoughts."
He takes a chance and reaches for her hand with one of his. "You can be a tough bitch out in the world and still have a little fun at home. Keeping up appearances everywhere is fucking exhausting. Why do you think I don't behave in here? I have nothing worth behaving for. Now you let me come out on jobs and I have incentive. People don't work without incentives, even great Romanova vampires. You're still a person. Just...a tightly wound fangy person."
She let him take her hand, though the gesture was a little surprising. Natalia glanced over at him, an eyebrow going up slightly. "...not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, James, but...since when do you care? Yesterday, you didn't give a damn. You were wolf through and through, and fuck the rest of the world and all of its problems. Now, you're trying to convince me to let down my hair a little and enjoy life more."
It made less than no sense, honestly. And he was assuming quite a bit, if he thought that convincing her to "have fun" meant he'd get laid every time he needed an itch scratched. Their previous trysts had been mistakes, each and every one of them. She didn't need any sort of relationship, with anyone, nor did she want the headache of dealing with one.
"...if all of this uplifting sentiment is about you...getting off, or whatever, I can always find you someone who doesn't mind being paid for it, James." Her lip twisted sourly. "It'll be added to the expense report, like the clothes and groceries." It was a disgusting thought, this dog rolling about with anyone else, but the options were rather limited.
"I ain't never had to pay for it in my life, doll, and I'm not starting now. I'm just saying...you should have a part of your life that you enjoy. Something that's just yours, you know? Everyone needs that. Even you. Especially you. Nobody needs to be wound up that tight."
Bucky keeps touching her hand, keeping it more gentle than he thinks he's ever been around her.
"Could be knitting or some shit for all I care, just needs to be something to blow off the steam. Of course, if you liked what we did, I'm definitely not saying no."
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"--I don't expect you to understand," she clipped out. "I just don't have any luck with 'casual flings', or whatever they're called. Did I enjoy what we did? Yes." And how she hated admitting that, but it was the truth. "But it's over and done with, I have more important things to focus on, we should just move on."
Even if she knew that that was going to be damn near an impossibility. Not with him in such close proximity, reminding her each and every time she looked at the bastard of what they'd done together. What she'd allowed herself to do.
"I'm a vampire," Natalia heard herself say, unbidden. "Vampires aren't supposed to enjoy themselves, remember?" That was her past talking. The realization that she hadn't been good enough.
no subject
"You mean to tell me all vampires do is eat and hibernate? No fun at all? I gotta say, that's a pretty shitty existence, Natalia. Who told you that you had to follow those rules? The vampire congress? Do they show up at your door if you laugh or something? Because I'm not following."
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Like her entire damned family.
"I'm a Romanova," she reminded him. "That vampire clan has ruled Russia for over five centuries. It rules through terror, fear, and panic. My mother is a tyrant who lives only for her whims and her empire, and she's so damned powerful that not even the entire Enforcer legion could take her on. That's how much fear that name commands."
Natalia sighed, leaning back on the couch and crossing her arms, staring unseeing at the floor.
"So you can imagine, when I was recruited to undergo Enforcer training, how much shit I had to deal with, just because of my surname. Everyone was afraid of me, because of my bloodline. I had to work three times as hard to get where I am now, and I was always cautioned to toe the line, simply because of my name. I can't do anything other than my job, because of the scrutiny I'm always under, even from those I've worked with for years, now." She bit her lower lip, a little crestfallen.
"Even now, they still don't trust me."
no subject
He takes a chance and reaches for her hand with one of his. "You can be a tough bitch out in the world and still have a little fun at home. Keeping up appearances everywhere is fucking exhausting. Why do you think I don't behave in here? I have nothing worth behaving for. Now you let me come out on jobs and I have incentive. People don't work without incentives, even great Romanova vampires. You're still a person. Just...a tightly wound fangy person."
no subject
It made less than no sense, honestly. And he was assuming quite a bit, if he thought that convincing her to "have fun" meant he'd get laid every time he needed an itch scratched. Their previous trysts had been mistakes, each and every one of them. She didn't need any sort of relationship, with anyone, nor did she want the headache of dealing with one.
"...if all of this uplifting sentiment is about you...getting off, or whatever, I can always find you someone who doesn't mind being paid for it, James." Her lip twisted sourly. "It'll be added to the expense report, like the clothes and groceries." It was a disgusting thought, this dog rolling about with anyone else, but the options were rather limited.
no subject
Bucky keeps touching her hand, keeping it more gentle than he thinks he's ever been around her.
"Could be knitting or some shit for all I care, just needs to be something to blow off the steam. Of course, if you liked what we did, I'm definitely not saying no."