ostavil | open post

None of this is going according to plan. Bucky knows the odds of him having a natural child with Natasha were 0% before Shuri worked her magic and maybe he got a little fast and loose with thinking they were the lucky ones. The first few months of pregnancy were a dream and Bucky had enjoyed doting on Natasha and playing house. It's not the life he thought he'd get after his life but it's the one he's always kind of wanted.

Everything came crashing in on him when Natasha woke up in pain. Bucky knew something was genuinely wrong, different than the other times he'd worried, and now he's spent most of the last day white knuckled and frightened to death. When Shuri's tech comes out and tells him that he has a daughter, he's torn between being terrified that Natasha is still in surgery and thrilled that their child is finally here. He barely processes that she needs to be put in an incubator and the words are out before he can control himself.

"I need to hold her," he says, hand trembling a bit. "I need to hold my daughter." Natasha can't hold her right now and he can't hold Natasha through this surgery but he can hold the child they've made together. He asks the nurse again if he can hold Rebecca and gets the yes he wants, getting led down to the incubator to do just that.

"Not for very long, White Wolf. She needs the incubator to help her breathe and keep warm," the nurse warns him. Bucky can't focus on anything but the tiny child with the softest skin and downy brown hair. She yawns a bit when he shifts her into the crook of his arm and he doesn't think he's ever seen anything so beautiful.

"Look at you," he coos softly. "It's hard work getting born, isn't it? Daddy's got you right now and then you can have a nice, long sleep."

Little Rebecca was small, petite even, and her breathing was still very shallow - an anxious nurse hovered near Bucky's elbow as he held his daughter - but she yawned and grunted a small mew as her father's voice soothed her tiny ears, and she opened her eyes the slightest bit to gaze up at his face. A small, perfectly formed fist wavered in the air, gently batting against Bucky's chest before she quietly drifted off to sleep again, snug and secure in that protective embrace.

Perhaps an hour later, an exhausted Shuri came through the laboratory doors, shedding her outer layer of scrubs and handing them off to one of the techs before addressing the three waiting men in the corridor. "We have her stable," was the Princess's initial report. "She lost a lot of blood, and her heart stopped twice, but we managed to get her back both times." Shuri rubbed her tired eyes. "I've put her into a stasis coma, to let her body recover, and now we have to wait until she wakes up."

But then she smiled at Bucky, giving his right arm a gentle punch. "And congratulations, White Wolf. Your daughter is beautiful, a stubborn fighter just like both of her parents."

Holding his daughter is both the most wonderful thing he's ever done and the most terrifying thing he's ever done. Rebecca is tiny and perfect, such a comforting weight in his arms even if it's not nearly enough weight and he nearly weeps when a nurse takes her away and puts her back in the incubator. He knows that she needs it to grow stronger but it still takes all he can do to just let her go.

He feels as if a thousand years have passed when Shuri comes and gives him a status report on Natasha. None of it sounds good, at all, and he wishes there was a way to give her the healing factor from the serum, a way to give it to their daughter, a way he can help without uselessly watching from the sidelines.

"When can I see her, Shuri? Can I at least sit with her and hold her hand?"

Shuri smiled, though her eyes were tired. "Of course you can. We are moving her to a more comfortable room now, you may stay with her as long as you wish." The princess glanced at her brother and he nodded. "You know you do not have to ask, White Wolf." She placed a gentle hand on Bucky's arm. "I will arrange to have your daughter nearby, so that you can also see her as often as you can."

In the recovery ward, Natasha lay comatose, breathing steadily despite the tubes and medical tape here and there. Her skin was ashen, eyes shadowed by dark hollows, but her heartbeat was regular and steady, if not exactly as strong as it had been before. Not just yet. A nurse was carefully smoothing loose red curls away from Natasha's face when a shadow fell over the doorway, and the Wakandan glanced up, then nodded invitation.

"Come in, White Wolf." She gestured. "We have brought a chair for you, and a few extra blankets. If you need anything else, do not hesitate to ask."

Bucky is glad they thought to bring blankets because he's not planning on going anywhere any time soon. He scoots the chair a little closer to the bed so he can take one of Natasha's pale hands between both of his. It's cold, too cold, and he tries to fight off the sense of dread that's lurking in the back of his mind. There's no doctors better than the ones right here in Wakanda and Natasha has always been a fighter. There's no way she's going to go out without fighting like hell and it seems like she's stable for now even if she isn't up and walking around.

"Nat - Natasha," Bucky says, keeping his voice low. "I wish you could have seen Rebecca the second she was born. She's the prettiest baby I've ever seen and I've been alive long enough to see my fair share of them. She's got your nose and your chin and I think she's going to be much better looking than I am, so you did a good job there. I got to hold her and she's small, yeah, but she's such a fighter. She fights hard like her mom does."

He avoids saying anything about how she has to get better or how she can't leave him because Bucky can't let those kinds of thoughts intrude on him right now. He's got to operate under the assumption that Natasha is going to pull on through.

Steve came in a while later, knocking gently before entering the room. "Hey, Buck," the former Captain smiled, coming to stand near his friend's chair and place a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "Shuri said everything looks good, so far." Steve gave Bucky's shoulder a light squeeze. "And your little girl's just beautiful."

A nurse came in on silent feet, unobtrusively checking vitals, recording readouts, and once done, she gave the two super-soldiers a polite nod and slipped out again. No change, not yet.

Both hands now in his pockets, Steve stood beside his friend silently for a few minutes, then offered, "Want me to bring you some food or something? Oh, and T'Challa wanted me to tell you not to worry about your farm. The village kids are taking care of your animals, and keeping an eye on the place for you."

"My goats get cranky if they don't get milked on time," Bucky says, laughing a little. It's hard to laugh when Natasha is laying there pale and still but he thinks he has to force good cheer and not dwell on how fucking scared he is right now. Steve being there is a help, though, and he decides he'll take him up on his offer for food.

"I don't want to miss her waking up," Bucky says, "but I'm not going to run much longer if I don't eat. I'm a super soldier but you still have to feed me if I'm going to function appropriately. Of course, I'm preaching to the choir on that one, aren't I?"

Bucky's been a POW and a prisoner of HYDRA and his own mind but this is harder, he thinks, because it isn't happening to him, it's happening to someone else and he can't do anything about it.

Steve nodded understanding to both points. "You are, pal, you surely are." He gently clapped Bucky's shoulder again. "Don't worry, I'll have them bring in a buffet. Or two," he added with a wink. "And don't worry," he added after turning to go, "she'll pull through." He nodded at Natasha with a quiet smile. "She loves you too much to quit on you now." Then he was gone, softly closing the door behind him.

As promised, one of the orderlies brought a cart full of delicious Wakandan dishes, all tasty, hot, and plentiful. A nurse also brought baby Rebecca in for short visits periodically, placing the small bundle in Bucky's arms as he dutifully sat at his wife's bedside. The little girl always waved her hands and smiled at her father before yawning and drifting back to sleep, and the nurse seemed fascinated by that.

"It's as if she already recognizes you," she marveled, gently taking the tiny blanketed child from Bucky after one of their visits. "That's almost unheard of, especially for one born so early."

"She knows I'm not going to let her down," Bucky says. No matter how exhausted he is, seeing her face perks him right up and he hopes soon they can go home and all just be a family together. Bucky is currently trying to hold his daughter with one arm and hold Natasha's hand with his free hand; it's multi-tasking at its best.

"Can I have her just a few more minutes? I keep hoping Nat might wake up while she's here and get a chance to see her. I wouldn't want her to miss seeing her daughter," Bucky says softly. "I think it would help."

Nurse Lindie relented and handed the baby back, although she did say in gentle warning, "Not for too long, White Wolf. She needs the incubator for a good while yet, to help her breathe easier and to keep her from getting too chilled. But you hold her a little longer, I'll be right back."

Snug in her blanket and her father's arm, little Rebecca yawned, gurgled, then rested her oh-so-tiny hand atop Bucky's thumb, her small perfect fingers opening and closing, opening and closing. She blinked still-dark eyes up at her father, stared at him for a long moment, then her tiny mouth opened in a brief smile as she hiccuped, then yawned once more.

Her mother's heartbeat was still perfectly regular, her vitals holding steady within their norms. Shuri's stasis coma had shut her body down to the bare minimum, to give it time to heal without trying to over-function. They had taken Natasha off the respirator earlier, and she was now breathing on her own, a good sign, Shuri had assured Bucky.

The Princess herself came in after the nurse returned, asking the former soldier sitting at the redhead's bedside, "When was the last time you slept? I know you haven't left the room since we brought her in."

"I don't need a lot of sleep," Bucky says, waving that off. He can keep going longer than any normal man of his height and weight and he'd been a particularly stubborn man before the serum had got ahold of him. He's pretty sure he'd still be sitting here keeping watch without the biological advantage.

He's still holding Rebecca close, cherishing every little noise and squirm of her body. He doesn't want to give her back even if she needs it and he'll be happy when he can bring his whole family back home with him even if he's grateful for T'Challa's generosity.

"If she wakes up and I'm not here, Shuri, what is she going to think? She's going to think I abandoned her."

"Of course she won't," the Princess lightly scolded. "Natasha knows you would walk through fire for her, how can you believe she would think such a thing?" She made 'give over' motions for little Rebecca. "Come, give her to me. Then you get up, get a shower, and shave your face, Sergeant Barnes." Shuri took the baby from Bucky and passed her over to Nurse Lindie. "I think Natasha would much rather see you sitting here not looking like something the cheetah dragged in, don't you?"

Another tech brought clean clothes, a razor, and soap, and Shuri more or less browbeat Bucky into the nearby washroom, promising that she would stay right by Natasha's bedside until he returned, and if anything happened, she'd come drag him right out of the shower. "And you need to eat, White Wolf," she insisted in exasperation. "I know how many calories your metabolism burns on the daily. You are good to no one if you faint from hunger."

Bucky knows he needs to eat. He might have super-solider stamina but that came with a metabolism that meant he'd be burning away his muscles quicker than the average man if he didn't eat and fast. As much as he hates to leave Natasha and give Rebecca back, ultimately Shuri is right.

He goes and gets a shower and shaves, looking less like a wild animal. He has hollows under his eyes still, yeah, but a clean face and pulled back hair makes him look almost respectable. He goes to get food, protein and carb loading, and when he comes back to Natasha's bedside, he feels almost human again.

"Any change?"

Shuri put away her digital recorder and stood up from Bucky's chair as he reemerged into the room. "Nothing yet," she informed him gently, then gave him a small smile. "But you look a thousand percent more human, White Wolf. And there is food for you, so eat it."

She gestured to the small cabinet against the wall, it now laden with trays filled with snacks, sandwiches, and other plentiful dishes. "Lindie will bring the little one back to you in a few hours, so catch a nap while you can."

The Princess stepped aside and moved to the end of Natasha's bed. "You can even lie down with her, as long as you do not jostle her too much."

"I probably will. I need to eat first, though, and then I'll try to sleep. It's hard to do when I'm worried and I'm hard wired to be a soldier - I've got stamina meant to keep me on my feet much longer than a normal man. I feel so useless. There's nothing I can do to fix this. I can't fight it. I can't rescue it. All I can do is sit and wait and I hate it."

Still, he eats mechanically, knowing he needs to keep his strength up so his body doesn't start shutting down on him when he needs it the most. He needs to be strong enough for everyone.

When he's finished and Shuri's left the room, he crawls into the bed alongside Natasha, taking care not to shift her against his chest or slide an arm around her waist. "I love you, kotyonok. Pull out of this already."

When she finally drifted into consciousness, the first thing Natasha was aware of was the pain. Which, granted, wasn't anything new, considering her past and history, but she hated feeling so weak. Yet, there didn't seem to be any danger; she was warm, at least, and her muscles only protested when she tried to move, so she simply lay still for a bit to let herself come fully awake, lashes fluttering and vision blurry right at first.

Cream colored walls met her hazy eyes; the room was unfamiliar, which triggered an instinctive moment of panic, but then she heard a very familiar noise - the soft gentle snores of a certain super-soldier, feathered over her neck, and when she managed to shift her head enough, she spied her husband lying beside her, his beloved blue eyes closed and apparently lost in his own slumber.

Habit and training had her making a mental sweep of her surroundings, and Natasha finally realized she was lying in some sort of hospital bed, with Bucky asleep beside her, and there was an IV in her arm and a monitor beeping very softly on the other side of the bed. A hesitant exploration revealed a new surgical scar, this one marring her abdomen, and a surge of fear bolted through her, but she managed not to flail, as that would take more effort than she could muster presently.

She did, however, manage to slap Bucky's arm with the back of her hand, coughing when she tried to speak. "--J-James!"

Bucky had been sleeping far deeper than he normally does, the deep sleep of the exhausted, but Natasha crying out had him snapping awake and quickly taking a mental inventory of both his body and surroundings. Judging himself to be in no danger, he remembers that he'd fallen asleep alongside his ill wife and had been hoping for her to wake up.

"Natasha," he says, trying to calm her. "Natasha, please. Don't move. You had to have a c-section and you could tear stitches or god knows what. You need to rest and heal."

He takes her hand and holds it in his own, squeezing it tightly. "You're going to be all right. Rebecca's all right."

It took her a minute or so to process this information, but her free hand hovered over her stomach, it no longer round and stretched as it had been before the pains had begun. But Bucky had assured her that their baby was okay, and Natasha knew that he wouldn't be lying here beside her otherwise; he'd be taking the world apart to save their child if need be. So she exhaled a deep breath, and slowly eased back into the pillows, tilting her head to rest it against her husband's shoulder.

She still hurt, but at least now she knew why, although she did manage to squeeze Bucky's hand back, just a little. It took her a moment to speak - her throat was so scratchy - but she finally managed to whisper, "...where is she?" She wanted her baby. The precious miracle she'd risked her life to have, the one gift she'd desperately wanted to give the man lying beside her.

"NICU. She had some trouble breathing so Shuri has her in the incubator as a precaution. It looks bad, I'll warn you, but I've had her out and held her a couple times and she's a fighter," Bucky assures her. "I think she's going to be fine once her lungs develop a little more and she has her mom."

He strokes his fingers idly through Natasha's hair, just thankful she's awake and seemingly herself. He's been running on pure adrenaline the past few days and now with both of his girls accounted for, he thinks he can rest a bit without guilt.

"She's beautiful, you know. Just like her mother."

Hearing that her baby was in the intensive care unit initially froze Natasha's heart, but it only made since, since Rebecca had been born very nearly three months early. But Bucky's reassurances went a long way towards thawing that fear, and Natasha let herself relax against him again, tilting her head into his stroking hand with a sigh.

Letting her eyes close, Natasha shifted slightly, getting a bit more comfortable, and had to huff a small smile at Bucky's commentary. "And her dad, too," she reminded him with a light, gentle nuzzle. "I bet she looks just like you, doesn't she?" Opening her eyes slightly, she gazed up at her husband.

"When will I be able to see her?"

"There's a lot of me in her, yeah. She might end up looking more like you as she gets older but right now, she definitely has my coloring. Maybe she'll have your personality and we'll have to lock her in a tower until she's thirty," Bucky jokes.

"She's a little fighter and she's got one hell of a scream when she's not happy. Her hair is dark, like mine, and she has blue eyes and perfect little eyelashes. There's nothing more beautiful I've seen in my entire life. Present company excluded, of course."

Bucky strokes his hand through his wife's hair, trying to soak up her love for his sake as much as hers.

"I'll fight with Shuri and get her down here so you can hold her, all right?"

As it turned out, "fighting" with Shuri wasn't really necessary, as Steve checked in about a half hour later, and promised to sit with Natasha while Bucky hustled out to find the Wakandan princess. Natasha sent her husband off with a fond smile, a soft kiss, and a fervent promise to stay right here, chuckling under her breath as the once-most feared assassin in all the world hurried out and galloped down the hall.

"Glad to see you awake, Red," Steve said after the door closed behind his best friend, leaning back in the chair with a warm smile at the redhead.

Natasha blew out a breath, rolling her eyes a little wryly. "You and me both," she quipped, taking his offered hand in a fond embrace. "Gotta say, I was having serious second thoughts about this whole 'motherhood' business, if this is how it's gonna go." She shifted, winced, and settled back, grumbling lightly under her breath.

Steve made to help her, but she waved him off, and he sat back on the edge of the chair, lightly admonishing. "Hey, you're a trooper, the strongest person I've ever known, you'll bounce right back, Nat, promise." She made a face at him, earning his low chuckle. "Stuff it, Rogers," Natasha retorted grumpily. "Your sanctimoniousness makes my teeth ache sometimes."

Steve just laughed again, and by the time Bucky and Shuri came back into the room, both old friends were sharing their odd mirth back and forth.

"I have someone who hasn't met you yet," Bucky says, a tiny pink bundle in his arms. Is it cliche to dress his daughter all in pink? Absolutely and he'd been given a tongue lashing for it from Shuri but he didn't care. It's how things are now, traditionally, and he and Steve had always grown up in hand-me-downs. His daughter is going to have nothing but brand new clothes and more of them than she could ever possibly wear before growing out of them.

He gets close enough to sit on the edge of the bed and gently eases Rebecca into Natasha's arms, careful not to inadvertently press against her where she's still healing from surgery, and he hopes Rebecca is in a good mood and cooperates for this visit.

"She's got the prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen," Bucky says, more proud of this than anything he's done in his entire life. "Your nose, which is probably a good thing, my hair, not sure about the height..." he rambles, unable to get everything out that he cares about and loves about this kid.

Natasha abruptly broke off with Steve as the door opened, and Bucky stepped in with a small pink-blanketed package cradled in his arms, and her throat suddenly closed, eyes widening. Her daughter. Their daughter. Then Bucky was sitting down beside her and leaning near to give her the bundle, and Natasha's eyes suddenly filled with tears as she, for the first time, cradled a child of her own in her trembling arms.

"...James..." she absently hear herself whisper, fighting back the strong urge to just sob into his arms as she gazed down at the tiny girl, instantly memorizing her small, perfect features. Rebecca yawned, gurgled, and reached a little hand upwards, and Natasha leaned her cheek into that feather-light touch, feeling her gut clench for an altogether different reason, this time.

She cradled Rebecca against her, murmuring softly in her mother tongue, "Hi, my sweet darling. I'm your mommy, and this big, silly giant here is your dad. We're going to take care of you, pretty girl, because you're the most precious thing either of us could ever have." Natasha looked up from her daughter to her husband, crystal glistening on her cheeks. Pulling him close with one hand, she whispered, "I love you," in Slavic, followed by, "She's so beautiful, James. Thank you."

Seeing Natasha hold their daughter affects Bucky more than he thought it would and his words are caught in his throat for a moment. When he's finally able to say something, though, it comes out in Russian instead of English and he presses a kiss against Natasha's temple as he says the words.

There's nothing more beautiful than seeing you get to hold her, he says, his own throat choking up on him. I was hoping you would pull through and I worried I'd never get to see this. I was afraid I'd never have this.

It's something he'd written off for himself and he'd tried to satisfy himself with living here in Wakanda and mentoring children. He's still going to do that, no question, but a child of his own blood is something so special that he doesn't know if he'll ever cease to be awed by it.

first of all how dare you

u noe how i dare <3

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